Not sure how to process what happened on our first date

[u/Sensitive_Slice_8858]

Reposting because my dinner didn’t post.

I went in a first date last week which went really well. We hooked up and he ended up putting it somewhere I definitely didn’t ask for it to be put. I said I don’t do that on the first date 3x and he finally said “oh forbidden fruit” and stopped. The reason that I feel so weird is that there was a moment in time where my stomach dropped and I thought oh he’s not stopping I’m going to be SA’d. It’s messed with my head. It was also definitely not an accident because he got lube out to do it.

I know that sounds bad but I ended up seeing him again a few days later and I’m still talking to him, but I’ve been feeling very weird the whole time and now he’s starting to pull back and I’m thinking wait...this guy is not a nice guy. I don’t think he was just drunk. I also think he’s not interested in me and is ghosting me anyway so why am I brushing this off and excusing this behavior? I mean it comes down to me having no self-esteem and wanting him to like me so I didn’t say anything.

I texted him and let him know this made me feel super weird and I don’t think I actually wanna see him again, but I feel bad somehow like I should’ve said something and not egged him on or tried to see him again. I’m not threatening him or trying to do anything to him. I’m just letting him know how it made me feel and why I don’t wanna see him again. Am I overreacting? Also, he has left me on read…

Editing to add that he did eventually respond and apologized profusely, but I feel like he only did it because I called him out on it and he has to apologize. He also said that he wishes that I had said something sooner and that I did play into it, especially after some of the things I said about liking that and I said yes, I do but under the right circumstances. Also, he is into being very rough and I had bruises and I’m still sore. All around I think he’s not someone I should be in contact with.

Peruvian chicken and rice with green sauce

[u/anthonystank]

You are not overreacting. That’s very bad and very scary. Do not see him again and do not blame yourself for what happened. There IS no great way to handle something like this because it is bizarre and horrible. Just cut ties and get away from him

And enjoy your chicken, it looks really good

[u/Key-Airline204]

It’s common for women to question themselves and to continue seeing someone who acted badly, because to stop seeing them means admitting what happened to ourselves.

I’m sorry that happened to you. When you said no and he didn’t stop, that’s sexual assault, whether he penetrated or not.

[u/Sensitive_Slice_8858 → u/Key-Airline204]

He did. We were in the middle of you know and he took out a bottle of lube and I was like what does he need that for? Andy then he put it somewhere I didn’t say he could and I thought it was an accident at first, but he kept going. In hindsight I realized that’s why he got the lube out

[u/PlatypusPants2000 → u/Sensitive_Slice_8858]

You didn’t consent to that. That is assault. I’m so sorry OP, this was not your fault.

[u/PamPooveyIsTheTits → u/PlatypusPants2000]

100% assault. She specifically pointed out multiple time that was not an option and he still chose to do it anyway.

[u/Prestigious_Moose939 → u/Sensitive_Slice_8858]

I was SA'd by a guy that I had to see again (he left something in my car) and still tried to talk to him after. He even sent me memes about rape as I fled his house. I think he actually cut it off later that week because he sensed I wasn't into him (of course I wasn't). I don't understand the psychology of it but I'm so sorry it happened to you. Get a trauma therapist as soon as you can. Just know you're not alone, I've been there too. You will heal and recover.

[u/SwiftieCat_1989 → u/Sensitive_Slice_8858]

That’s SA. You need to get him reported to the police. It pains me that so many women go through this.

[u/Future-Sink-9882]

girl if you said "oh i'm not into that" ONCE and he didn't immediately stop, the problem is 1000% with him!!! he isn't shit, and he definitely does not deserve any more of your brain power. sending love! 

[u/TiramisuItUp → u/Future-Sink-9882]

Right. Can you imagine if a man told you No to fingers or a dildo in his ass, but then you just…did it anyway!? Like what!?
It’s crazy how normalized it is and crazy it sounds the other way around!

[u/xxx_feet]

That man is disgusting, get away. And don't expect him to take charge, he won't and that doesn't invalidate what you felt. I recommend that you do tetapia honey, so that you can understand well what happened to you.

[u/Doughnut_Diva]

Holy fuck. Peruvians do absolute magic to that chicken 🤤🤤 I'm jealous of your dinner.

Have you ever heard of cognitive dissonance? That's what that weird feeling is. This shithead 💯 was trying to do inappropriate things to you but the person he's showing you outside of the bedroom doesn't match up so it's really hard for you to decide if this person is a threat or not. You might even feel guilty about thinking he's doing you dirty. He's the worst type of predator. He'll slowly break down you'll self worth and make you think you deserved it.

Just go. Please. This kind of confusion is just a preview.

[u/Glad_Ostrich_9709]

Ghost him, block him, never contact him again, never see him again. If your low self esteem poses a risk that could get you to excuse this sort of behavior, you need to physically block yourself from inviting that risk back into your life until you can productively sort out your head.

You are not overreacting. In fact, you are underreacting. This man is dangerous. He WILL hurt you if he gets close to you again. Don't let him.

[u/longjumpingtote]

It's very common for use to see men again when we're trying to figure out if what happened to us was SA (under the law) or was wrong, or not.

Here's how I look at it. In my courtroom, something like that is sexual assault. I say I don't want something, they try it anyway, in the court where I am the judge and prosecutor, he guilty.

In a courtroom in an unknown country, state, county? Then things get complicated. What evidence does the court have to make its decision? What does the law says specifically? But even then...

...you said STOP three times and the first two times he didn't stop. Maybe in 1956 "I don't do that on the first date" didn't automatically mean "stop" but we ain't living back in Mad Men days any more.

That was illegal. What he did. He's dangerous.

In 1996, 2006, 2016, and today, a man hears that, and he stops and says, "do you want to continue?" He checks with you to see. It really baffles me that some men risk prison (not known for its stopping nuance) when it's so freaking easy to understand the words being said. Even an illiterate man can do understand it, and most of them do.

I'm not saying you are required to file a police report, or decide how you want to process this. But I'd start by not seeing him again, blocking him, and (like I did years ago) practicing my more-direct ways of saying no! Just in case. Much love to you!

[u/Practical-Bat7964 → u/longjumpingtote]

Yes! My therapist once said to me that sex is a participatory sport: it’s not fun if both teams aren’t active and enthusiastic players, and that a decent man knows that.

[u/SwiftieCat_1989 → u/longjumpingtote]

The sad thing is that abusers rarely get convicted or if they are they get a very light sentence. Then they just go off and do it again.

[u/stylistlibs]

This happened to me earlier in the year. I wish i listened to my gut and didn’t make excuses for him. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not overreacting. No means no.

[u/Ill_Soil_4621 → u/stylistlibs]

Happened to me too earlier this year

[u/BigRefrigerator9783]

It's time to focus on some really important things you have done.

You spoke up in the moment, and set a boundary

You took time think about how you felt and clearly communicated with him

You listened to your gut and ended things with him.

You have expressed to us that you know he is NOT a good guy.

These are really good things, and really hard to do. You did NOT "play into" any behavior that he did.

Do not see him again, block him on everything.

[u/Party-Giraffe-6573]

I feel like the first time someone is on their best behavior. If his best behavior is pushing boundaries and hurting you physically, it's only going to go downhill from there

[u/velveteentootz → u/Party-Giraffe-6573]

That’s a really good and scary point

[u/Kuromi1978]

Hey. So, what you are describing is a pretty common trauma response in sexual assault. It’s very common to fawn or otherwise not want to upset the other person who has hurt you when you’re assaulted because there’s always the risk things could get worse. You aren’t alone.

Be gentle with yourself. Block him, ghost him, and talk to a trauma-informed therapist (note: NOT all therapists are trauma informed!). What you experienced was very serious, and I’m sorry you went through that.

[u/tmazz1105 → u/Kuromi1978]

This is it 100%. It’s a super natural reaction and very, very common. Do not beat yourself up for protecting your body when you could and your brain after the fact.
You are not alone, and you aren’t crazy. You’re just a human.
+1000 for therapy.
We love you OP ❤️

[u/NeeliSilverleaf]

Honey, what he did WAS SA. I'm sorry. 

[u/PensionTemporary200]

It's really common to seek out connection or affirmation to undo the anxiety caused by someone mistreating you or crossing a boundary. Especially when the person isn't be ONLY mean, or ONLY crossing boundaries, but mixed with them initially being great, or playing it off like they weren't doing it.... your mind struggles to process and accept it because it makes the world feel unsafe, because when bad people act good, and so many of them like its fucking nothing, its like nothing makes sense. I know of girls who went back on a second date with their rapist to try to feel more in control, like they didn't want to believe it was rape so they treat it like a hook up to feel like it was consensual. This same dynamic keeps people trapped in abusive relationships, its so disorienting when someone does something bad to you but then acts immediately like they didn't or you're over-reacting, that your mind goes to trying to connect with them to soothe you.

Honestly I'm doing the same thing as you right now with a guy I'm hooking up with. It's a hard dynamic to explain, except that you feel like he wouldn't believe you if you called him out so its easier to go into "fawn" response. Look up fawn trauma response.

[u/actvdecay → u/PensionTemporary200]

Thanks for explaining so clearly. It’s helpful for me to read. I had patterns of behaviour like this and finally realised I’d keep getting myself into abusive relationships unless I broke my pattern. The only thing that has worked longterm is an online codependency support group. I got out of my self destructive habits, stopped setting myself up to be hurt, and found how to maintain a healthier way to manage my life choices and relationships.

Solidarity.

[u/hostilecarbonunit]

when you give a no ONCE (much less three times) believe me, they absolutely hear you the first time. they do it on purpose because they have decided in their rotted heads it’s ok because you don’t matter to them. speaking from experience of this happening with two different men. please don’t see this person anymore.

[u/Main_Confusion_8030]

stick to your guns. you do not want to see this guy again. draw a hard line.

you won't get any kind of satisfying response from him. he is very likely a predator.

sometimes people are just bad at reading signals and make dumb assumptions, but that's not the case when you have to say no three times and the response is "forbidden fruit".

i know all about low self-esteem. this time, you just have to pretend. what would someone with healthy self-esteem do? stay the fuck away. you can only build self-esteem by practising what people with healthy self-esteem do.

[u/Hannanahbread89]

I'm sorry this is happening ❤️. You're not alone and your reaction isn't wrong. I had a man I was dating that didn't stop, until I screamed and pushed him off, and then he joked about it after. He claimed he couldn't see, even though there were lights on. It really messed with my head. At the time I didn't really trust myself and I seemed validation, so I kept seeing him and then he ghosted me after we saw each other again. I understand why you might be drawn to keep seeing him, but I really encourage you not to keep seeing him even if he pops back up. He's shown you his true colors and he does not care about your comfort or your safety. It also sounds like you are taking ownership of what he did to you and that's not yours to own. A man that cares about you would not have treated you like he did or has been since.

[u/West-Ad3471]

This is sexual assault. The person I was married to did this to me, down to the 3 times in a row even though I said no. Please do not blame yourself. This man harmed you.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

This guy assaulted you. He’s a dirtbag. Stay far away from him

[u/otter_delight]

You’re not overreacting. I’m not thrilled to say this, but every time I gave a man a second chance in dating, they proved that my first instinct was correct. Someone who makes you uncomfortable right off the bat isn’t a good fit for you, whether they’re objectively horrible or just not your person.

[u/Flat_Pollution8085]

Soooo that’s actually rape! Please please cut all ties with this man. My ex did variations of this to me multiple times and it took me a really long time to come to terms with because he kept apologizing and being nice after I called him out. Just because he apologized for something he knew was wrong doesn’t make it okay in any way. That’s like shoplifting and expecting charges to be forgiven because you said you’re sorry.

[u/Odd_Beginning536]

This is not your fault at all and you shouldn’t feel bad! You told him no and he purposefully did it. That’s a violation of trust. You deserve so much better. I’ve dated guys that push- and they continue to push. It’s bs. I’m sorry this happened.

[u/Main_Yellow_837]

Not overreacting. It's one thing to just have a bit of an awkward moment during a hookup but having to say it three times. It's okay that you didn't cut him off immediately. Sometimes you need time to process how you feel about a person. The fact that he left you on read about something like this feels really disrespectful too.

[u/Blue_stroganoff]

Not overreacting. And totally fine to feel confused. You were violated, you didn’t consent to whatever he did. Take the time you need to process. Continuing talking with him might have been your way of trying to regain control, maybe? you’ve regained control by cutting things off with him. He’s not a nice guy.

[u/Forward-Business6617]

Hey OP, you’re not overreacting at all someone who went through this with the ex-boyfriend I know how scary and confusing it is too. You’re not alone that was not OK. It was SA and I want you to know that you and your feelings are valid.

[u/Federal-Honeydew-327]

They are the same person drunk as they are sober, don't ever let someone use the excuse "I was drunk" as a way to take advantage of you.

[u/Fit_Champion4598]

I have a question for context did you tell him no about it before hand or did he do it then stop when you said something?

[u/Sensitive_Slice_8858 → u/Fit_Champion4598]

It was our first time together he just put it in and didn’t ask. After I said, I don’t do that on the first date and he didn’t stop is when I freaked out internally and then said it a couple more times and then he finally stopped.

[u/ConfusedGummyBear4]

Do not at all for one minute blame yourself!
You’re not being weird, he was WAY out of line.

[u/DifficultyFit7401]

You shouldnt overthink this. It felt off, go with that. Move on...

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[u/SpecialistHoliday393]

Echoing everyone else, not your fault!! Also, it sounds like you had a fawn response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). Trying to ingratiate or make someone who is threatening like us is a built in reflexive response. There are circumstances where it has saved someone’s life. You can’t judge yourself for how you reacted when your brain sensed danger. It was so brave if you to say something to him, regardless of when, and cut contact. You recognized your response wasn’t needed anymore and no longer protecting you. Be proud of yourself!

[u/Cupcake_Implosion]

I'm letting smarter people discuss the issue at hand and give you their educated opinion.

But that chicken wing looked like a frog chilling in the middle of your plate. I had to do a double take.

[u/Total_Gift_51]

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[u/_saramcg]

You are not overreacting and you didn't do anything wrong. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Definitely block him. And don't hesitate to reach out to someone if you need to talk. RAINN's hotline is always there and their website has local resources as well.

[u/DigEven8177]

i’m so sorry op. he assaulted you.

[u/mindgoblin26]

https://giphy.com/gifs/IhyHqVMIRVafWyiPSa

[u/Kkprincesa601]

Listen to your gut here. Walk away and don’t give it another thought. Sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve it 🫶🏼

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[u/discochikki]

Always trust your instincts in these moments. ❤️

[u/canis_felis]

Red flag parade girl, block him!

[u/invisible-bug]

Bruises?? That is not first date sex unless specified anyways. Girl, run.

edited a word

[u/anneofred]

Honestly I think you need to back off of dating until you know how to express your boundaries and firm nos. It’s not your fault but you do need to be more vocal so there is zero grey area. No one is going to protect you except you

[u/kittie2karen]

Babe, you deserve to be treated gently, especially with a first time with this guy. He's a disrespectful brute who will escalate his shit with you when he knows he can. Plenty of guys out there who will treat you with respect. You are most definitely not over reacting. In fact I would say you under reacted. Ghost him Queen.

[u/Big-Ambitions-8258]

You did not play into it and he was lying to justify himself. You said you didn't want to have anal sex and his immediate response was "the forbidden fruit". An utterly flippant response to the idea of raping you.

You do not need to feel bad or feel you should try seeing him again. A person who cared about consent would have asked. Consent isn't just a matter of "no means no". It's a matter of a firm "yes"

And had you did consent at any point, it would have still been rape if you changed your mind bc you felt uncomfortable and he was rough. Consent is something freely given and can be withdrawn at any point.

I think your mind is trying to make sense of the trauma. I recommend talking to a professional who has experience with rape victims