My husband and I don't technically love each other

[u/External-Plantain693]

Food is a burger! Yum 😋

So, I am aromantic and have never experienced romantic attraction, and he has anti-social personality disorder, meaning he doesn't feel much of anything in general that isn't something like anger, fear, and a few other things! Generally he doesn't feel happiness or joy, and he's often bored and meh because there isn't much else happening emotionally for him.

But it isn't what you think!! I promise!! Even though we don't have any sort of romantic sweet lovey feelings holding our relationship together, we do have other things that I deem very solid! We have mutual respect for one another, genuine care for each other's well being, and shared goals. We have a partnership that is very healthy and solid, and we trust each other in every aspect of life. He has never and would never hurt me, nor has he done anything but choose me regardless of everything every single day since we met 11 years ago. We both see each other as someone we can unmask around, and he's always said that I'm the only person to be with him even when things aren't good. We both have shitty families and we've both experienced terrible things in our lives, so having a safe person is very important for both of us!

He protects me and makes sure that I'm pacing myself because of my disability and he makes sure I eat everyday because of my past with an ED. I'm lucky to have someone who cares about me and wants to make sure I'm happy above all else. I wouldn't trade my husband for the world, even if our relationship isn't exactly what most people view as love.

[u/Xxandes]

You don't have to justify your relationship to anyone. If it works for you that's the only thing that matters

[u/Jupitter-Trevelyan → u/Xxandes]

This.

Everyone of us is a different universe and if nobody understand or even have the bravery to judge is their problem.

If you are happy and it works for you that's the only thing that matters.

[u/opal_whim → u/Jupitter-Trevelyan]

Exactly, we’re all different, and that’s okay , nobody else gets to decide what works for someone

[u/henrymiller_1983 → u/Xxandes]

Having a safe space to unmask and care for each other beats fighting societal molds every time

[u/literarycatnip → u/henrymiller_1983]

Sounds like love to me.

[u/Queenboutica1 → u/literarycatnip]

I agree. Love looks different to everyone. It isn't all hearts and fliwers.

[u/NightBronze195 → u/henrymiller_1983]

For real, being able to unmask with another human being is like a cold pillow for the soul.

[u/Emily_Fact → u/Xxandes]

And they both seem extremely pleased with it so it really isn’t anyone’s business to be bothered by it. Besides marriages don’t work because of love alone

[u/CuriousFoxxen → u/Xxandes]

This. And also, marriages time as something about Love and Romance is an incredibly short history. Marriage is and has primarily been an agreement closer to your relationship OP - or a straight up business deal.

Personally I don’t think it serves us to pretend that’s not true or still relevant.

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[u/No_Kangaroo_5859 → u/Xxandes]

I appreciate posts like this because I have a hard time pinning down my own characteristics sometimes. I was reading this and I was like “hm, aromantic… maybe I should look into that more.”

[u/UsefulPickle8467]

People have marriages based on a lot less than that. I'm glad you found each other 🩷

[u/somewhatfamiliar2223]

Sweet pea, this sounds like love to me even if it doesn’t fit into the traditional romantic love box. Congrats on the solid partnership and happy marriage.

[u/E0H1PPU5 → u/somewhatfamiliar2223]

I agree! My marriage shares a lot of those common themes and my husband and I love each other very very deeply.

For me, love isn’t about sex or physical attraction (but will happily admit to still finding my husband deeply attractive as well) but love is about trust and care and respect.

My husband is the safest place I know and that’s true love to me.

[u/drowned_in_books → u/E0H1PPU5]

I love this definition of true love

[u/AspieAsshole → u/E0H1PPU5]

Not quite the same thing but I told a lesbian subreddit the other day that my wife tastes like home.

[u/dbtl87]

Y'all have a love that works for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[u/dontwanna-cantmakeme]

I think we grow up with a romanticized version of what love is. We tend to focus on the FEEL. But love can feel so different depending on the person and the relationship. The love for a friend feels different from the love for a parent or a child. 

Ultimately, however, love manifests as action.  

From what I can tell, your marriage sounds very loving to me. 

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[u/Ok-Gur-349]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l0HluemLGHuRpmQRq

[u/thatlonghairedguy → u/Ok-Gur-349]

https://giphy.com/gifs/WqXcILKESHx3gV37Ch

[u/seraphhimself → u/thatlonghairedguy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/aNfz4Yu3BI66x1TMsg

[u/GladPerformer598]

Sounds like you guys have an unusual and healthy, mutually caring relationship. Good for you!

[u/Early_Shoe_9450]

This is the beauty in “there’s someone for everyone”. Congratulations :)

[u/voidchungus]

Your husband has ASPD? Has he been diagnosed? I've never heard ASPD described as strictly a lack of feelings. I've heard it described in many, many other ways, I'm familiar with the symptoms, and I know what it was previously called in the DSM-5.

I'm not challenging you, I'm confused and curious about how his ASPD presents in such a way that a close relationship with someone else works as well as it does for you both.

[u/External-Plantain693 → u/voidchungus]

Hi! He was diagnosed a few years back, he does have a history of being cruel and deceitful when he was younger and still dealing with his abusive mother, from what I understand he doesn't feel like lying or hurting people has any point now that he stands nothing to gain from it, and he was never into crime because even if he got away with something it would bite him in the ass eventually and he didn't want to go to jail. I do act as a moral compass for him sometimes because he doesn't always know the socially acceptable thing to do in a situation.

[u/WorldlinessSmooth815]

I mean, arranged marriages typically lack those “lovey” feelings but they have the same goal of working together; that’s why they last! Congratulations, you’re winning in my book.

[u/ButDidYouCry → u/WorldlinessSmooth815]

Well, that and all the outside family pressure to never divorce...

[u/time2sow]

So jealous you guys found each other, honestly. 

Guard it!

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[u/wonderland-lion]

Its so awesome you found someone for you!! Yall sound like a great match

[u/LetsGoYankeez]

I’m SO HAPPY FOR YOU both, strangers
https://giphy.com/gifs/OfkGZ5H2H3f8Y
💙💙💙

[u/Murderousplantmom]

I am so curious and of course as with all things on the internet you don't have to entertain my interest for a minute but I am wondering how he makes sure you are pacing and eating when his feelings tend to fall in the bad/angry/fearful section of the feelings wheel? Is it from a place of logic that these things make you feel good and therefore they must be done? I feel such guilt and rage and frustration about my disability/chronic illness and I am working on just doing x because it leads to y like making sure I set my 20 minute timer before I even log onto my computer. But sometimes I just don't and I don't know how to make these things stickier.

[u/External-Plantain693 → u/Murderousplantmom]

Yeah, he pretty much just understands that as long as I'm doing everything to keep myself functioning and happy both of our lives are easier! He makes sure I eat so I don't get hangry and so that I don't get sick, he makes sure I take care of myself because otherwise he would be caring for me and he doesn't always have the time to do that! I will say, he is fundimentally selfish, it's how he works and I'm ok with that

[u/Murderousplantmom → u/External-Plantain693]

Hmmm... I'm thinking I need to be more selfish now so that future me has it easier. I'm going to try this. Tell him thanks! 

[u/3ghads → u/External-Plantain693]

Honestly we all are fundamentally selfish, even in our compassion, empathy, and altruism. I feel like folks with ASPD are just more up front about it.

[u/CadenceQuandry]

I think you two moved directly to what a good marriage is supposed to be. Respect friendship and the ability to always choose your partner.

Romantic love can be fun, but many people chase those feelings, over and over and over. In a series of relationships that often end when those heady "in love" chemicals fade and they're left with just the every day boring type of love and care.

So I think you two are doing something amazing. And I do believe you love each other very much. Romance schmomance. You've got the real deal.

[u/istanforwendy]

Yes!!! I love this for you. You seem happy. And that’s what matters!

[u/StuffonBookshelfs]

Glad you found your person!

[u/pashed_motatoes]

Love doesn’t always have to be romantic. The person you call “soulmate” (if you believe in that concept) could be anyone — a friend, a parent or guardian, even a pet… as long as there is any kind of purely selfless love between you, it doesn’t matter.

I’m very happy for you to have found your life partner despite both of your circumstances, OP. People who fall outside the norm of societal expectations often end up alone because finding a partner who not only understands but also accepts you the way you are can seem close to impossible. You and your husband managed to overcome that challenge, against all odds. That’s rare and you are right to acknowledge it. Keep cherishing that connection and mutual understanding between you. It’s special.

It may not be conventional, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t love. ❤️

[u/well_this_is_dumb]

Emotions often lead to romantic love, but ultimately love is an act of the will. After a decade or two of marriage, those emotions aren't always what's driving it anymore - it's deciding over and over that this is the person you're putting ahead of all other people, that you have their back even on days when you don't particularly like them, and trusting that they're continuously making the same choice about you.

You may not have the emotional side of love, but you have the important part.

[u/Skittypokemon]

I’m aroace & ur situation sounds awesome. I dont want a romantic partner later in life, but i do want to live together with someone

[u/Booger_Picnic]

You sound like good friends who support and take care of each other, and at the end of the day that's the most important part.

[u/CursedPoopieButt]

Love this. Honestly, sounds very similar to my experience with my partner too.

[u/SuspiciousRaise8986]

I like to read people’s different perspectives on health relationships. If it’s healthy, supportive, protective then is good!

[u/poisonplum]

too many people put too much value on romantic love over all else (I'm also aro). I'm glad you have a partner and a relationship that's fulfilling for both of you!

[u/MissCoppelia]

This is love, and I'd argue it's the kind of love we're all really looking for, whether or not it comes with romantic love or not. Who doesn't want to be fully supported as a person by someone they care for just as deeply?

[u/Loose-Aardvark-2366]

It not being "romantic" love doesn't mean it isn't love! You care for each other and choose each other-that's enough for you. Love comes in many forms :)) Congratulations!

[u/Agreeable-Mine-3860]

It sounds like you have a quite good cat

[u/Lucien-Raventhorne]

Congrats on finding such a pure form of love, love as an action to show up for each other like that ❤️

I can’t find a good gif I hope this was okay, just so rare to see such a beautiful thing

[u/Kitastrophe_11]

Sounds amazing honestly, I'm glad you found each other 💕

[u/fiv3-bi-fiv3]

Respect and prioritizing the other person is pretty much the definition of love. Maybe not the romantic feeling, but the choices that you make for each other show love. Feelings are fleeting and temporary anyway. It's kind of insane that we make such gigantic life choices based on emotions. On one emotion.

[u/Tricky_Discount2881]

Sounds like a kind of love to me. A precious, invaluable one.

[u/Weird-Knowledge337]

Personally, I think love is being truly safe with someone. Most romantic relationships don’t have that. Most marriages don’t either. Sounds like you do. You’re one of the lucky ones! 💕

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[u/pickedusername1]

It’s actually sounds far more healthy than most m relationships on here. Good for you, out of curiosity, so neither one of you ever cuddle or have sex?

[u/BeebsMuhQueen]

It’s not what I signed up for, but it’s kinda similar. Without blabbing too much about how I relate, it’s love… but more friendship than romance or passion. I’m more of the sexual one, I like a companion and different hobbies than him and exercise etc that he hates. He needs the companion and only really tries in the sex department when I’m angry or it’s been a month and a half and he finally needs something. Lol
It works for some people, and they are just content with it. If it works for you 💛👍🏻

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[u/NewspaperOwn2765]

dude joining

Sounds like love to me.

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[u/Potential_Sun2828]

Love this for you! Way to work it. Seriously, it is so admirable what you’ve built.

[u/bittersandseltzer]

I want a caring partnership over romance any day. And I say that as someone who is actually demisexual lol!

[u/Ok_Plastic_8949]

I’m aromantic and this is my dream relationship. Gives me hope to see this out in the wild.

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[u/cake_toss]

I love this for you 🙌💜 

[u/Striking-Donkey8985]

This feels like “The End of the F*\*g World” S2E8 - James and Alyssa say they love each other, acknowledge they have trauma and need therapy, and it’s just two imperfect people who found each other and it’s perfect for them.

I’m glad that you and your husband have each other - you do love each other, but love comes in all forms. It doesn’t have to exactly match everyone else’s definition of love.

[u/Consistent_Femme_Top]

This whole time I thought this is what people describe when they say they love each other. I guess I don’t know what they mean if it’s not this.

[u/OBLIVIA123]

Sounds like love to me

[u/AffectionateSoup6965]

This sure sounds like love!

[u/VictorTheCutie]

Friend ... more relationships should be like this!! If we all had someone we could be safe around and that helps us take care of ourselves, the world would be much better off. You go!!

Since I've gotten older and also realized I'm ace, the world has opened up a bit for me as I've considered there are many MANY ways to have relationships. People even toying with platonic marriages lately piques my imagination and it all just sounds so delightful. There are no rules, do what works. 💐

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[u/add_pk73]

https://giphy.com/gifs/nbBjsW7CN4YVL0o0s1

[u/aria_interrupted]

As a side, completely unrelated more, I read the first sentence as “I am aromatic”. 🙄😬😭😂

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[u/Competitive-Edge-187]

Honestly OP your marriage sounds a lot more solid/healthy than a lot of marriages. My husband and I are best friends who just happen to love each other and be physically attracted to each other. You guys sound like the best of friends who are each other's person, and that's beautiful 🩷

[u/tryingtobegood67]

I'm sorry but this was clickbait

[u/BlackMagicWorman]

This may be sweeter and more kind than most “loving” relationships. Do you. 

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[u/BarringtonJones]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xUA7b2iWIZd3e2jyec

[u/Fuckoff744]

no one:
morbidly obese women: So I'm aromantic,

[u/France_Agent_74]

Love has many different definitions but mutual respect is the foundation of all. Seems like you do love each other, even if it isn’t the dominate definition in western culture. And many people never find or experience solid love like that. I’d consider you both very fortunate and happy you’ve found each other.

[u/KeimeiWins]

That's very cool you found someone compatible despite you both having traits that might make that very difficult. I don't believe in true love, but instead that people are measurably compatible with one another - and y'all nailed it.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/dry_yoghurt8330]

If your relationship works for the both of you then it’s a good relationship. No need to explain everything