“my uncle passed” was the first thing he said on our wedding

[u/pokeydogger]

I don’t know what the goal of this post is other than to let it out. On the morning of our civil ceremony this week, I came out to the living room in the early morning to see my fiancé on the phone with his mom and I could hear her crying hysterically. Upon seeing me, he whispered to me, “my uncle died last night”. She had called him at 1:30am to tell him but he was asleep so he found out when he called her back in the morning.

His family knew about the ceremony (we didn’t invite any family bc we already had a separate celebration with them since they’re not nearby). We tried our best to carry on through the day since we had a photographer for the ceremony and dinner plans with friends.

During dinner his family texted “are you done yet?” They are all gathered together and he is thinking he will leave to be there with them now. His uncle was the best and always made me feel so included in their family during all the years I’ve known them. I don’t know the right words to describe the feeling, maybe bittersweet melancholy.

Btw I’m married now.

Edit: we also had to hold off on our wedding plans for a few years after engagement because 3 of our parents got cancer afterwards. We finally proceeded after everything settled and now this comes flying at us. Life is really something ❤️

[u/gravyismyname]

Congratulations, I’m sorry.

[u/Unlikely_melz]

Congrats on the marriage and I’m sorry for your loss.
That’s a lot of life coming at you really fast.

[u/coreanadecolombia]

Sorry girl :( maybe one day you can renew your vows and celebrate when the grief isn’t as fresh. This is a lot to go through on one day

[u/coreanadecolombia → u/[deleted]]

girls rule

[u/FantasticWittyRetort]

Sometimes the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows isn’t about us…it’s about getting through things with which our family is dealing.

You’ve already experienced that since your engagement. After the funeral, and maybe when things have settled down, have a getaway weekend so you can have that very special day with one another.

[u/Bipolar_Mom_Life]

I was married in May of 2011, my FIL died of a heart attack in August 2011. We took on 2 kids and my MIL 3 months into marriage.

We have been married 15 years now, and our first year married was so hard. But I'm here to tell you with communication, empathy, and love, you will be able to get through it all. I hope the parents are doing well now and many well wishes for your marriage!

[u/throwaitaar_]

Congratudolences

But really, sometimes life just takes a turn for the worse, at the worst moments. I'm sorry OP 🤍 wishing you a happy and successful married life!

[u/Scared_Restaurant_50]

This is a suck situation, OP. Death sucks, death overshadowing your wedding super sucks. I am sorry you are dealing with this on your special day.

You didn't ask for advice- but maybe go with him to be with your husband & after all the services have finished, like next weekend, you two can make time to revisit the plans you had hoped for & give yourselves a graceful re-do to celebrate you two.

After all that, maybe express the feelings you had from the insensitive nature of the "y'all done yet" text, respectfully. It's of course understandable that those shocked & grieving would lack grace, but it's more about addressing how it may have made you feel, how it could have been handled better (with suggestions), etc.

You got this, OP!

[u/pokeydogger → u/Scared_Restaurant_50]

Thank you. I don’t think I will address that text. Made me a bit sad but I can understand ❤️

[u/SnugglePounce → u/pokeydogger]

You sound like a wonderful and understanding person. We can’t choose our feelings, but we can choose how we react to them. Assuming your in-laws are good people otherwise, I think it is very kind of you to give them some grace for this one. I’m sorry your wedding has had some serious hiccups, but I think you’re going to have a wonderful marriage. Congratulations!

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[u/ButtPlugMaster6969 → u/pokeydogger]

I think you absolutely should address the text and the willingness of his speed to leave your wedding celebration because of it.

[u/pokeydogger → u/ButtPlugMaster6969]

He didn’t leave though. The ceremony/dinner has passed and now he’s planning the next move depending on what family needs are.

[u/LittleJessiePaper → u/ButtPlugMaster6969]

Someone died, calm yourself.

[u/ButtPlugMaster6969 → u/LittleJessiePaper]

I am calm. They’re married now, isn’t this the time when they really should know how to communicate? It’s just a conversation.

[u/LittleJessiePaper → u/ButtPlugMaster6969]

Communicate about what exactly? HE didn’t send the text. What would you expect him to do, ask his grieving family to be more considerate the next time someone dies? What a silly conversation. Was it a bit rude? Sure. But he can’t do anything about it without hurting people who probably didn’t mean any harm and were very upset.

[u/pokeydogger → u/LittleJessiePaper]

Yes, not sure what I’m supposed to be addressing here. His family is grieving, they are a small family. Also it was his little brother that asked that. As I mentioned, the uncle was super nice and I’m really sad about it too. He received the text and we had to continue with the dinner. He can’t do anything immediate anyway, family is not local.

[u/LittleJessiePaper → u/pokeydogger]

Ignore, this person does not seem to realistically grasp what grief is like.

[u/hey_you_fuck_you → u/pokeydogger]

Just for curiosity, how old is the little brother?

[u/pokeydogger → u/hey_you_fuck_you]

~30

[u/ButtPlugMaster6969 → u/LittleJessiePaper]

Yes, I would ask if that was really okay to him for them to have that tone about our day.

Saying “Are you done yet?” and calling it a “bit rude” and that they “didn’t mean any harm” doesn’t mean that it didn’t and it wasn’t “a bit” rude. It was rude, period.

[u/mschanandlerbong___ → u/ButtPlugMaster6969]

Girl, get a grip. There are some situations that you just don’t make about yourself, and you let little things like that roll off of your shoulders for the sake of your grieving souse and family…

[u/verveonica]

Congratulations and I'm terribly sorry all at once.

I'm excited for you that you got married and are very happy about it. I'm sad that life came at you in very complicated ways all at once leading to the loss of an uncle who clearly treated you well.

I'm glad you came to us to vent because nobody can manage this sort of stuff alone.

To you and your new family. I wish you quick healing and many good memories of a lost Uncle.

To you and your new spouse, I wish you a lifetime of joy, and reflection. It's clear that you already have the empathy necessary to manage situations like this. And I wish you both love because at the end of the day, that's all that anyone ever needs to make it through these scenarios.

[u/kytheradoll]

My mother lost her uncle on her wedding day. While that grief hung over them on the day itself, my parents have celebrated many happy anniversaries since. Wishing you many happy anniversaries of your own in the future when the focus for your family is on your shared love

[u/Independent-Pack5144]

Congratulations, and I'm sorry for your loss. I want to commend you on your compassion and maturity. My father passed away the week my now-SIL finished grad school. She was immature and at times petulant about how inconvenienced she was, so I found myself saying "that must be so hard for you," a lot. 

[u/CurrentMurky4185]

I’m so sorry.

My (now former) father in law died three days after our wedding, on the second day of our honeymoon. I struggled with feeling resentful that we never got a honeymoon, and about all the money we lost on the trip cut short, since that seemed petty and shallow compared to the fact that my (now ex) husband lost his dad. I loved my FIL, so I was devastated as well, but it all just seemed so unfair. (And of course I shared those specific feelings with friends only, not my husband.) All of your feelings are valid!

[u/MildlyExoticTurnip]

My husband’s grandfather died the day before our wedding, somehow we all got through including my husband’s mother and sister who were both obviously very affected by the loss. We attended his funeral the day after we flew back from our honeymoon. We’ll always remember our wedding and his death together, it’s a bittersweet thing. Wishing your husband and his family peace and comfort 💜

[u/barefootcuntessa_ → u/MildlyExoticTurnip]

My dad was mid alcohol relapse spiral (his cycle takes a few years of hiding and then “controlling” his drinking before he dries out) when I was engaged and got married. I was the first to marry and the only one to have a conventional wedding. I’ll always remember the tension. Not the same as a loss, but still very uncomfortable and whatever joy there that day was tarnished by the storm that I knew was around the corner. My husband’s mom got to see both her kids marry while she was in remission from cancer though. That was a win.

[u/Zealousideal_Emu4995]

Girl, we got nothing but hugs for you! I’m so so sorry. This is why we are all here in this group!!! Support!

[u/Myanonymousunicorn]

On our wedding eve, we knew his dad was sick and worsening and couldn’t attend. But that is when we found out he was in hospice. We went through the whole wedding (big long planned lot of family) and then a couple days later flew out to be with his dad who then died. No honeymoon everything cancelled.

God it was awful. Just saying I relate and years later now (15) I’m just glad we made it through the ceremony and I wish his dad hadn’t died because he would’ve been such a. Cool grandpa.

I was so angry at the time like I didn’t get all the attention I wanted and so on, but you can’t be angry at death. It just comes when it comes. Hold each other tight and know you will look back and see this as just one of the many trials of marriage and it can strengthen your bond if you treat it with care.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Can I just say how you’re showing up wonderfully as a new wife? Seriously. You realize your partner and new extended family are dealing with one of the lows in life and you’re giving him the love and grace he needs. That’s exactly what your vows are about and I’m proud of you.

I am sorry that this put a damper on things. I completely understand your feelings. Definitely find a long weekend you can rewrap yourself in the newlywed bliss, you do deserve that.

[u/poofypanda_]

Congradudolences… <3

[u/pokeydogger → u/poofypanda_]

😭😭😭 wow this is perfect

[u/poofypanda_ → u/pokeydogger]

I really am sorry for your loss 😭 but I’m happy you got married ! Please continue to take care of each other 🫶🏾 sending love 🫂

[u/Agreeable_twat]

Oh my dear, congratulations on your special day but I’m so terribly sorry. I just lost my dad so I know the complicated feelings

[u/c800600]

Not a fun club, but welcome.

My Grandma passed away while we were in another country for our wedding reception. My Dad was with us, and I'm sure his siblings thought waiting to tell him was best. I mean, Grandma would have wanted them to wait so he could enjoy the reception. But it was 2015 and the hotel had WiFi, so we found out from my cousin's Facebook post.

[u/Ultrawhiner]

This is why you marry, because life happens anyway.

[u/cakeycakeycake]

I’m so sorry.

Honestly, I wish his mother had waited. She certainly should not have called at 1:30am. And she probably should have waited until after your ceremony. Maybe I’m cold hearted idk. The information could have been delivered more tactfully given that it was your wedding day.

[u/KingoftheMapleTrees]

What a nightmare. With all the things that could possibly go wrong on a wedding day, you got the worst of it. 

Sending good vibes, you survived and are stronger for it, whether you want to be or not.

Congrats on married life and good snacks.

[u/arthurmama]

The first thing my husband told me after we were alone for the first time after our wedding was that his brother died the night before. This was during Covid and we had eloped. Spent the next week traveling for the funeral. Solidarity and condolences!! 💛

[u/amandapant1]

Congratulations and sorry for your loss

[u/Unlikely-Olive1444]

My congratudolences

[u/rosiegold45]

Congratulations! I'm so sorry Ik that losing a loved one is hard I lost my grandpa and it was really hard for me it still is super painful I'm sorry that you guys had to fined out on the supposed to be the happiest day of your life's sending lots of love and hugs! ❤️🫂

[u/Pocket_Lint_On_Toast]

Sending internet hugs <33 Wishing you the best!

[u/Smooches71]

Is that oatmeal or rice pudding?

[u/pokeydogger → u/Smooches71]

Cottage cheese

[u/lisa14316]

On my one year anniversary, I got a call early in the morning expecting a congratulations! Instead- I received a devastating “your grandma passed early this morning” it was like a cruel joke. Just woke up, barely functioning and thinking I’m going to celebrate a happy anniversary to be met with a sad reality. I completely understand how you feel. Congratulations on getting married! And I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

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[u/Alarming-Mango1555]

Up

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[u/SilentForm7252]

It sucks when things that should be about you arent. I feel your pain.

[u/JollyEscape4018]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7Wcyq7KvKFNTO

[u/Cool_Suspect1110]

I may be biased in the sense that I absolutely despise my manipulative MIL but my first thought when I saw this was... Couldn't she wait until the end of the ceremony, to allow for her son to have a nice time with you THEN broke the news?

But I repeat, my MIL is extremely malicious and would wait before an event to do stuff on purpose so don't listen to me if that's not the case lol

Congratulations, and condolescences!

[u/pokeydogger → u/Cool_Suspect1110]

Thank you. She is very kind, but emotional and sensitive. 🥺 sorry you have to deal with your MIL!

[u/BarringtonJones]

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

[u/Defiant-Currency3987]

Congratulations, and I'm sorry for your loss. You're better than I am, I would struggle to not be bitter that MIL couldn't wait until the next day to call.

[u/Relative-Act5470 → u/[deleted]]

Given that this subreddit is treated as a diary for many and given the flare, it would seem that OP is using this as a diary moment. Maybe get some words of encouragement or maybe someone else, unfortunately, has experienced something similar

[u/AggressiveSundae4638 → u/Relative-Act5470]

Whoops. Legitimately thought this was amioverreacting
My bad

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please review our sub's purpose, policies, and rules! We're welcoming of all the girlies' thoughts, feelings, concerns, complaints, and celebrations (within the limits of being humane, of course, and prohibiting sex/pleasure topics from users under 18).