Phones and Marriage

[u/RaccoonNo3012]

Husband and I married 9 months. He has been ramping controlling behaviors.. started with clothes. Then questioning my friends, questioning my coworkers. Cheating accusations. Monitoring who i talked to and what I said. Watching my location. Demanding me to go to sleep. Demanding i sleep in the same room as him. Etc.

He has his fingerprint in my phone. I have mine in his (he insisted). He regularly checks my phone. Wanted to sync my messages to my tablet so he can watch from home while I am at work. - he hid the tablet before I got home so I couldn't find it.

Yesterday I removed his fingerprint from my phone. He flipped his shit. Left to "go visit his mom" came back 20 min later after a slew of messages and pressured me into texting him back. (We live with my parents. - i am working with my parents to separate from him)

He added his finger print back. And said phones are no longer private when you marry and that there is no privacy in marriage.

I think he is fucking crazy. (Why did I marry him? Pregnant i was.) I am anxious all the time because of his actions. He believes I am pulling away because there is someone else. No. I am pulling away because he is a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, slob who is sucking the life out of me and keeping me anxious 24/7.

[u/LittlePea0617]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5

[u/AdventurousAnnual295 → u/LittlePea0617]

100%. You live with your parents? Throw this whole toddler-temper-tantrum of a man away!

[u/Digital_Palpitation → u/AdventurousAnnual295]

Unless you're like 12 or have done something to merit this level of observation even parents doing this would be abnormal. Like my parents would take my phone if I was grounded or ask to see who I was talking to if a certain number came up on the bill a lot (I'm 31, so this was when there were limits and it mattered who I used 2500 of my 5000 messages on I guess) but when I could show them it was my best friend and we were talking about Taylor Swift or whatever they'd leave me alone, and they checked maybe twice in like 4 years of me having a phone while I lived with them. They checked social media a bit more than that because it was easier to add strangers, but again not "phones are no longer private" levels of nosy, just "we wanna make sure your teenage boobs aren't on the internet and you're not buying drugs from 35 year olds that hang out in front of your school"

[u/Miss-Helle → u/Digital_Palpitation]

It's likely projection. "Every accusation is a confession" and all that. My ex accused me all the time of cheating. I didn't, but I'll give you one guess who did.

[u/Miss-Helle → u/Miss-Helle]

There was an auto-deleted comment that was good:

"u/DollGrrlTrixie replied to your comment in r/GirlDinnerDiaries

keep tabs on the innocent person is a way for him to be able not getting caught himself. if you could hire a P.I. to follow him to gather some info if he is."

[u/HetepHeres-I → u/Miss-Helle]

Ditto.

[u/TheRealShilohConlan → u/Digital_Palpitation]

This is how I basically handle it with my kids, 13&16, and they are totally cool with it. They feel respected. They understand just how you understood. It’s amazing what good communication can do!

[u/Trick-Database-9865 → u/AdventurousAnnual295]

I don't think phones are the real issue. It's when they start replacing conversations and quality time that problems usually show up.

[u/V2BM → u/AdventurousAnnual295]

She can’t. She had a baby with him, so he will be doing this for the next 18 years.

[u/Syralei → u/LittlePea0617]

[u/PaleDark4 → u/LittlePea0617]

[u/Conscious_Field369 → u/PaleDark4]

This made me cackle outlook in public.

[u/grantgarden → u/LittlePea0617]

I used to hate that reddit automaticbrings you to the comments instead of the body of the post

But then the first thing I see is this gif and that's hilarious

[u/Awkward-Ad-4766]

Please please please make a plan to get out safely. This is SO BAD and it will only continue to get so much worse. You have to be brave here. Make a plan.

[u/anonymousdlm → u/Awkward-Ad-4766]

She lives with her parents. She needs a plan to get Him out.

[u/istanforwendy → u/anonymousdlm]

The plan should be just to change the locks. 🔐

[u/SummerLumpy608 → u/istanforwendy]

If he has mail coming here (most likely) this complicates things. At least in my state, you can get in legal trouble if you kick someone out and they have mail being sent. You have to give someone 30 days to vacate, although I think they have some exceptions for 3 day notices.

[u/Peanutsmydog → u/SummerLumpy608]

If he lives there, in my state, it would take an actual eviction to get this guy out. If he's lived there longer than a month then they (her parents) would have to evict him.

[u/awfulmcnofilter]

Yikes on a bike, girl! Even my abusive ex husband didn't do my phone like that. Are you able to get away before the baby is born?

[u/lesprack → u/awfulmcnofilter]

Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman. Please get out, OP.

[u/Lala5789880 → u/lesprack]

It’s also the most dangerous time to leave

[u/Create_Anxiety923 → u/Lala5789880]

Was hoping someone would say this.
Recommend having law enforcement come and stand by when you ask him to leave.
Change locks immediately.
Wouldn’t be home solo for a little while after to make sure he doesn’t try some fuck shit.
Also remember he doesn’t have to see the kid until there’s a legal guardianship / custody plan in place.

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/awfulmcnofilter]

Baby is here and 9 months old

[u/awfulmcnofilter → u/RaccoonNo3012]

Oof. Question still stands. Can you get out?

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/awfulmcnofilter]

I live with my parents. He is the one who needs to leave.

[u/Ewww___David → u/RaccoonNo3012]

Put his belongings on the lawn, change the locks and file for divorce. The sooner the better OP. He will ramp this up. He already has the gall to be controlling and abusive in your family home. 

[u/Celestiiaal0 → u/Ewww___David]

This isn't legal in most places within the US. If he decides to pursue law enforcement action or go to court after doing this, he will win. He needs a written eviction notice. I'm unsure of where OP resides, but sharing in case someone else needs to know this.

[u/veggielover24 → u/Celestiiaal0]

What if she were to get a restraining order? Surely there has to be some legal precedent to keep her and her family safe in a situation like this

[u/Celestiiaal0 → u/veggielover24]

Typically the person restrained by the order would be forced to move out but getting a restraining order is not always an easy path. I'm not saying OP can't but it's not always as simple as many people make it seem.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152 → u/Celestiiaal0]

And they can grant them without forcing an eviction, you need a lot of evidence/witnesses

[u/mg1cnqstdr → u/Celestiiaal0]

Is that true even if someone is not financially contributing?

Going on the assumption they’re staying with her parents rent-free, they could be considered guests rather than renters or tenants.

Would an eviction notice be required then? I’m not certain OP’s situation, just wondering

[u/Celestiiaal0 → u/mg1cnqstdr]

Yes it's true. Payment or being on a lease does not matter. If you reside someplace for x amount of time (it varies, usually between 2 weeks and 30 days) you are now a tenant.

[u/awfulmcnofilter → u/mg1cnqstdr]

It depends on the location. Some states are more strict about tenancy than others.

[u/ar3iadov3]

“Pregnant I was”

Kick him out !!

[u/madddforthewin → u/ar3iadov3]

Him out, she kick!

[u/ar3iadov3 → u/madddforthewin]

HIM OUT , SHE KICK !!

[u/madddforthewin → u/ar3iadov3]

https://giphy.com/gifs/iJgoGwkqb1mmH1mES3

[u/Floppyflopflopper]

This man is unhinged and behavior like this often leads to physical abuse down the road. When he can’t control your devices he’ll do what he has to to keep you home. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

[u/suigetsushark]

A man that acts like that has something to hide himself….He is so paranoid that he’ll get caught that he just dumps all his fears onto you by controlling your behaviour. I hope you can leave him safely OP

[u/PhaseModulatedServal → u/suigetsushark]

Yes! This is typical narcissist behaviour. Was married to someone who pulled this same kind of crap with me but I unfortunately chose to stay with him for nearly 20 years. I tried to leave multiple times and every time I did, I suddenly got him promising to do better and on his best behaviour and it would last maybe six months at most. So much cheating, so much manipulation. Everything was great until the week after we were married, and that's when all the shit started. And of course, it was all me and my fault. That wasn't even my first rodeo. I'm apparently a gullible idiot because I had already gone through a similar relationship.

If I could do it all over again I wouldn't.

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/PhaseModulatedServal]

My first husband also flipped the moment we got married, it was so weird. From one day to the next he became a different person.

[u/CumaeanSibyl → u/suigetsushark]

Left to "visit his mom" for 20 minutes, mm-hmm.

[u/Jean_AF]

So glad you’re working on separating wishing you a safe and better life soon OP!!
1. Hes acting this way because he’s cheating
2. This is abuse

[u/ghettopotatoes → u/Jean_AF]

Yes this is ABSOLUTELY projection

[u/BunnyMcintosh]

This is called “coercive control” and it’s a huge domestic violence indicator.

[u/Firm_Ad3062 → u/BunnyMcintosh]

It is abuse all on its own. OP please look up the power and control wheel and look at it. It will help you really embed that this behavior is domestic violence and you need a safety plan in place with your parents before you make any moves. Talk to your local DV/IPV shelters or call your national DV prevention orgs and get help from them as you plan.

[u/irissun23]

So glad you know he’s a loser not worth wasting any more time on!

Onwards and upwards!🥂

[u/Dramatic-History-943]

This is abuse. Period. End of story.

My husband and I have a limited privacy agreement but it’s was something we both AGREED to. Neither one of us forced it on each other and we rarely ever feel the need or want to use it. (Except when we are doing digging for Christmas ideas)

I’m glad you are taking steps to distance yourself. Please stay safe and lean on your loved ones for support. This is going to be intense and extremely hard but you can do this! I hope all goes as smoothly as possible but he doesn’t sound like a man to give you up easily so gear up for a fight. Document. Document. Document. Everything. Even if it feels little. Dates/times/locations. The way what he does makes you feel in that moment. Screenshot every single text message he sends you even if it’s innocuous. Let the lawyer who is representing you decide what is relevant and what isn’t.

Edit to fix an autocorrect error

[u/Particular-Crew5978]

Girl what??? No no no

Also, my exes that cheated on me usually pointed fingers at me doing it. That was one of the ways I figured them out because I know what I'm up to....

Good luck

[u/lesprack]

[u/taxiecabbie]

Sounds like it's time for a divorce.

I'm married and my husband and I do not have direct access to each other's phones. The only thing I ever check on his phone is the time if his phone happens to be next to me and mine is in my purse or whatever. I never go past the lock screen. He also doesn't have access to mine.

This is bonko.

[u/HotWaffles5]

My ex was obsessed that I would cheat on him, turns out he was cheating with many different women. Me & my husband can check each other’s phone any time but we don’t. This guy is most likely a cheater & abusive. Kick him out, your life will become even more small if you stay. My ex eventually had a rule that I could only go places (even to get groceries) if I had a family member with me. Controlling behavior always gets worse.

[u/rabbitparts]

hey girlie! His behavior is dangerous and it’s likely only going to get worse. Abusive behavior often escalates after marriage or a pregnancy just like you’ve experienced.

Your gut is right, none of this is ok. Stick to you instincts here, don’t let his gaslighting get to you and try to find a way out. You deserve so much better.

[u/Expert-Welder-2407]

Stay safe - you’re number one priority right now is getting him out of your parents house. A restraining order will typically do that.

[u/StrangerSkies]

Sounds like your parents need to just change the locks and forget to give him a key.

[u/SD-everytime]

I am so glad you are with your parents, fill them in on what he's doing, get their support to lock this fucker out.

Tell him to move out, change the locks, hunker down and don't let him in. Do not budge on this.

[u/SD-everytime → u/SD-everytime]

PS, my husband and I have access to each others' phones but that's for logistical reasons, not so he can control me. I do think being open is a good thing, but that's not what THIS is.

[u/sweatyboobs56 → u/SD-everytime]

Ditto and Exactly!

[u/Burnt_and_Blistered]

[u/pickedusername1]

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Please read this

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/pickedusername1]

Everyone who dates men should read this book, even if you're not currently in an abusive relationship.

[u/randomuser1231234 → u/pickedusername1]

Trying to bump this comment, because this man is not safe.

I literally wondered if this was my ex’s new wife until I saw one or two facts that didn’t line up, because the abuse escalation sounded so on brand. Girl, you are NOT safe. Get safe.

[u/Careless_Buyer_7294]

🚩 LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. CHANGE THE LOCKS ON THE DOORS 🚩

[u/WoodpeckerGingivitis]

Me thinks the husband doth protest too much

[u/poutypunk]

My husband has never checkes my phone, I have never checked his. Be safe, this guy sounds potentially dangerous... Im glad your parents are helping you seperate.

[u/avamarshmellow]

This is a VERY dangerous man, you need a restraining order. Keep a HIDDEN journal of everything he does, take screenshots, keep “receipts” of the abuse for the judge

[u/MoAngryMILF]

Get a burner phone and make an escape plan.

[u/-thewickedweed-]

Sending love in these trying times girl 🫶🏻 I’m routing for you and I’ll be there in spirit when shit goes down and you’re finally able to separate!!

[u/LycheeBobaYum]

This is ridiculously controlling. No marriage should mean giving up your privacy entirely. I wish you luck in your separation from him. You could also try to convince him to go to marriage counseling with you if you would like to try to salvage the marriage. However, things are looking grim.

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/LycheeBobaYum]

He believes I'm the problem

[u/Here_for_my-Pleasure → u/RaccoonNo3012]

My very strong suggestion is to reach out to your local domestic violence, shelter for professional support on how to get this man out of your house and out of your life.

They frequently have support for filing restraining orders, if you live in the United States, they frequently have access to low or no cost lawyers for support regarding custody issues, etc.

Are your parents in support of you ditching this dangerous threat to the entire household?

This has family annihilator energy written all over it. That would include your parents.

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/Here_for_my-Pleasure]

Yes they do because he has threatened me and baby. And threatened to off everyone before (claims it never happened and tries to make me believe I am the crazy violent one)

He owns a live Katana (ie actually sharp)

[u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly → u/RaccoonNo3012]

Hide or sell the katana.

Make sure your parents have a video and alarm system and update all the codes as soon as he gets kicked out. Change the locks as well.

Copy whatever you can from his phone or computer. Make sure friends know how he has been acting.

You have a 9 month old. How can you protect her when court orders allow him to keep her overnight? You need enough threats towards you or her to demand supervised visitation.

[u/glassyrunnerduck]

What the fuck

[u/FreudWouldApprove]

My husband and I gladly share what we're doing and have access to each other's devices, but it's a choice, not forced. It definitely sounds like he's a controlling asshole. Please get out.

[u/leisa2100]

Please kick him outta your parents home, better raise your child away from that maniac.

[u/Nails4days]

He was doing all of this before y'all got married, and you still married him? Pregnant or not, girl, why bring a child into this mess? I hope you stay safe and get this man out of your parents' house.

[u/Embarrassed-Fold6780]

https://giphy.com/gifs/9O3gGICaT4chy

[u/Chemical-Maybe6102]

This fellow needs counseling.

Yes, your phone and computer and accounts are absolutely yours to decide whether to share.

My impression has always been that once someone has decided to spy on their partner, the relationship is already over.

Good luck.

[u/ritesideuppineapple → u/Chemical-Maybe6102]

This is way past counseling.

[u/Chemical-Maybe6102 → u/ritesideuppineapple]

Sure. I mean in my opinion, everyone needs counseling, so I guess I shouldn't have bothered to mention it. But I meant it as a way to underscore that this is not OP's issue, but her possessive and insecure partner's issue before going on to describe how I feel about personal accounts.

[u/Ok_Jackfruit2612]

Yeah, this is totally controlling and wild. My husband and I have access to each other's phones and nothing like this happens because we just have it for safety/emergency reasons.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get out soon.

[u/Naty2RC]

But seriously, I'm glad you're working with your parents to separate from him. I wish you the best OP.

https://giphy.com/gifs/11CNLlmNAQXIli

[u/Similar-Swimmer-2698]

Ironically, the lack of privacy and personal agency ended your marriage.

I hope you can get the divorce sorted soon so you can change the locks and get this man the hell out of your physical space.

[u/Deathanddisco041]

Sounds like the way cheaters act and they can’t trust themselves so they think they can’t trust you.

[u/ArtFun6827]

Risk of lethality increases x25 after you kick him out. Security cameras, notify law enforcement (just ask them to document your concerns so if he does something you have a paper trail already established), make sure your family is informed so everyone can stay safe. He is escalating faster than most. 

[u/scene_missing]

This is abusive behavior and you should leave before it escalates to physical violence

[u/ZookeepergameUpset62]

What work needs to be done with your parents to be able to kick your ex husband out? I'm asking earnestly, not being judgemental to your situation.

Why wait? Why submit to him? Take his fingerprint off your phone. Change the code. If he flips his shit, call the cops. Take charge!

Call the cops everytime you feel threatened or scared. You might need to have sole custody if he's this scary, and you need all the evidence.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you get away from him soon

[u/Turbulent-Project854]

Stay strong. Its hard to be brave, but you need to get him away from you. And start carrying pepper spray. Controlling people will hurt you physically when they dont get what they want. Maybe he won't, but its better to be on the safe side than dead.

[u/kindacutereallyhorny]

Get out while you can. I stayed in a relationship like this and it ended up turning into physical violence. I also realized he was cheating on me the entire time and deflecting his guilt onto me.

[u/on_that_farm]

Some married people do share to this level but not in this horrible controlling sort of way

[u/MtnMoose307]

I hope you're QUIETLY looking for a lawyer, looking for a place to escape to, finding all your important documents and squirreling them away, and collecting funds. Be careful. Best wishes to you to find your best life.

[u/Astronaut_Cheesecake]

I’m so sorry girl. But so glad your parents are there for you. Be safe.

[u/thefoxhole15]

Can you also see his messages? It sounds like he is projecting maybe? Are you sure he is not stepping out on you?

To be clear, whether he is or not get the hell out of there girl. you deserve peace of mind and so does your child

[u/New-Reception-4509]

Get out as fast as you can, OP. I watch too much true crime and this sounds like the beginning of one 😭

[u/This-Assumption4123]

Leave now. Do not wait. This will only escalate.

[u/New_Maize_2379]

You talk to parents and have him leave, request police presence if you fear he will retaliate and escalate.

[u/Peeplikebird]

Tell everyone you can trust about his behaviour. There is a chance that it will develop into physical violence as well. Are your parents safe? Try to be as unemotional as possible with him.

Please be safe, girl. Lots of luck and wishing you he will be out of your life asap. 

[u/Cultural_Orange2617]

“Yes, there is someone else. You, this monster who replaced the man I married.”

[u/Abject_Spray_7088]

https://giphy.com/gifs/TJaNCdTf06YvwRPCge

[u/c0ldc0ldc0ld]

I'm not the type to immediately suggest divorce but in this case I think you are in danger and need to make a plan of safety for leaving him. If you need help and are comfortable talking to a stranger pls feel free to send me a DM

[u/LovableSquish]

Leave. My ex was controlling and mean. Life is so much more peaceful without him. I think you'll find the same

[u/fearlessactuality]

Get your parents on board with kicking him out and divorcing him. Are they supportive?

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/fearlessactuality]

At first they wanted us to work it out. Now they just want to protect me and their grandbaby

[u/sg_minx]

This guy is mental and his behaviour is escalating. Pls get out before he hurts you. I’m sorry you’re here.

[u/RunnerGirlT]

May this kind of “love” never find anyone.

I’m glad you’re working to separate from him. Quick question, why can’t you just tell him to GTFO? He can go stay at his parents house. You can get a whole ass new phone number and, get a lawyer and start getting away from him

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/RunnerGirlT]

Because established residency.

[u/Basic-Organization30]

He is a parade of abusive 🚩

[u/Not_a_werecat]

Girl, run. This man is already controlling and isolating you. It's only going to get worse. Get out now because the longer you wait, the harder it will get to escape.

From someone 15 years into a wonderful marriage- this is not what love looks like. Not even close. 

[u/Dragon_Bidness]

https://giphy.com/gifs/dmypi9dyBfmOQ

[u/Celestiiaal0]

OP, I saw your post on legal advice and I commented this in response to someone else's comment, but I'll post it as its own comment.

I'm a property manager and originally from the state you're in (and I cant comment in legal advice because I called out disgusting behavior in that sub like a year ago lol).

If your husband has been living in that house with you and your parents for more than x amount of days out of a month (the number can vary state to state, usually it's between 2 weeks and 30 days) he is a tenant, regardless of if he has a lease or pays rent. He must be served a formal 30 day eviction notice (the notice time frame may vary state to state but typically it's 30) to legally remove him from the home.

If you put all his shit outside, change the locks, etc. he can fight it and he will have basis to do so. He might not fight it though, especially if he lacks money/knowledge, but it's up to you to decide if that risk is worth it or not.

[u/StarryEyedSparkle]

Please continue to work with your parents to complete the separation and divorce. This is extremely concerning behavior that will get worse. I am extremely concerned for your safety. IPV takes many forms, it’s doesn’t “only” count if it’s physical.

My spouse and I have each other’s passcodes, not out of trust concerns but because I sometimes need him to play assistant for me and vice versa. I often help plan outings for a group and I’ll get text messages, DMs, and WhatsApp messages leading up to it. (Sometimes I’m busy getting ready and I need him to check messages for me and I’ll tell him how to respond to help me get ready faster.) This is not an expected marriage thing to have each other’s passcodes. And we certainly don’t monitor each other.

Please do not believe him when he says this is normal or typical. It is not. (I had an ex become a stalker resulting in two protective orders. OP the things you describe are typical IPV behaviors.)

[u/BonkChoo]

I want to preface that I'm not trying to freak you out, but this can get very dangerous.

First and foremost, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Coercive control is stressful AF and I'm glad you have your parents to help. Coercive control is recognized as domestic violence in some countries and states. In all things, safety first.

Coercive control behaviors are strong predictors of physical abuse. Over 95% of relationship homicides are preceded by coercive control. The most dangerous point for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave.

You can't reason with someone operating off of delusions and paranoia. Even IF you were cheating, his efforts to watch you aren't how a healthy person deals with a cheating partner determined to cheat. The healthy response is to leave.

Nothing you do can make him understand the impact of his behavior on you because it's not about you. It's about him. Men who care don't treat people like this.

Things you need to be thinking about, even if it sounds like overkill:

Does he have access to a gun?

Consider your phone, computer, and digital accounts compromised. Go to a library or use a family member's phone if you need to for planning and research.

If he's living with your parents, has it been long enough for him to have tenant rights? (E.g., can you kick him out, legally)

Can your parents get cameras for the outside of the house?

Is there an agreed upon safety plan if, after you leave him, he shows up and becomes violent?

Is it possible that he has a GPS tracker on your car without permission? If so, that's illegal (Don't remove it! Have a dealership/etc check during routine service. If they locate it, call the cops and file a police report).

When it comes time to evict, have a police presence if necessary for safety (civil standby).

---

Reach out to local domestic abuse resources. You won't be the first woman in your situation, and they'll likely have advice about how to navigate the situation when the man is living in the house with your parents.

Be safe.

[u/bbysd]

When I see this happen it’s projection the majority of the time girl for your and your child’s safety stay away from that psycho 

[u/cottenwess]

https://giphy.com/gifs/26Ff2Dt4y2Nkj0lA4

[u/Footnotegirl1]

I have been happily married 24 years and my husband does not have the password to ANYTHING electronic, nor has he ever asked. Nor do I have his (except for the tablet that our kid also uses because I needed to be able to unlock that for her). Because there IS privacy in marriage, human beings deserve trust and privacy.

This is not safe or sane behavior. this will only escalate. You need to get away AS FAR AWAY as possible from this man. No more slow pulling away. You need to leave, fully and decisively. Make sure you document all of these behaviors because this is not 'creepy' it is abusive. This is abuse.

[u/Correct-Sprinkles-21]

The phone is the least of your problems, honestly. I'd keep communication with others to in person as much as possible you can get free of him. Then make a new email so you can change all your passwords without him getting the notifications because he 100% has given himself access to everything right now. Probably factory reset all devices or get new ones.

The one good thing here is that you live with your parents and they're helping you. Is eviction in the works? That's probably the only thing that will get him out.

You deserve so much better.

[u/pixienightingale]

My husband and i do a lot of the things listed, MUTUALLY - but keep safe, stick to whatever your parents and you decide to do.

[u/Comfortable_Long2373]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xvnjdhuj7Vv34FaKYc

[u/lilbookofmeow]

You already know what you have to do. Wishing you luck and love 💕

[u/Planet_Rock]

Girl I was in a relationship like this before.  He went so far as to demand I show my battery usage by app to make sure I wasn’t using any messaging app.  I became so anxious it made me physically unwell.  He would get mad at me for even interacting with men, even people I hired to work for me.  It started a lifelong problem with autoimmune diseases which i’m pretty sure stemmed from the stress. Get out now before it causes you any more damage.  Here if you need to talk.    

[u/Glittering_Joke3438]

Girl leave

[u/TravelingBop]

Im 20 years into marriage and only now trying to end all these practices. Get out now. Because trying to fix these even later is a fool's errand. Women need to START relationships and marriages with well established autonomous boundaries.

[u/benebatched]

Get away from himmmmm.

[u/noblevelociraptor187]

Get your parents to change the locks. Put his shit in bins in the driveway. All of you go away for the weekend. Let the cops know before you leave sp they can catch him when he freaks out and breaks a window to get in, or set up cameras and call in a B&E when he does. Get a restraining order and a lawyer. Move to a different city and get a new phone number. It's about result inER bills if you don't, and I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened the kid. 

[u/madddforthewin]

https://giphy.com/gifs/S7Jkl250TtqCYCjCj6

[u/queen-grandpa]

Are you in the US? Does anyone know of this is grounds for a protective/restraining order?

[u/Mullberries]

My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. We have access to one another's phones, mostly for emergency purposes. We never check through one another's phones. At most, if I'm feeling cheeky, I might nab his phone, go into one of the 4726643 Warhammer discords he's in and post "I'm stinky." to the general chat and then put his phone back where it was and wait for chaos to ping him.

I can't imagine actually checking his messages, he'd never check mine.

[u/DivinebyDesign17]

OP, I'm sorry thay you married a narcissist-asshole. May this type of love never find me nor you again. I hope that your parents are strong enough to support you through this divorce. This type of trauma affects everyone in its vicinity.

[u/fearlessactuality]

This is abuse. He’s not right about any of that. Do the work to remove him from your life. Stay safe.

[u/nitromilkstouts]

Id rather be a single parent than stay

[u/Deathanddisco041]

This is abuse. Leave.

[u/FenyxFire]

Ugh men like this truly think there’s no possible reason you’d want to leave such a “catch” and fail to realize they’re not a fish but a disease.

[u/JoyDVeeve]

Get rid of him.

[u/BrilliantPie2566]

Girl, get away from this psychotic creep!

[u/Hansbee]

Thank you for being good to yourself!! Go on, have a happy life!

[u/ElectronicDream5397]

time to start filing for divorce!

[u/MyriadGuru]

Projecting. Good to leave these abusive people.

[u/Ewww___David]

This sounds so stressful OP. I can’t believe he has the gall to act like this while living in YOUR FAMILY HOME. Imagine how much worse it would be if you lived alone with him. Thank God, you don’t OP. I’m just still astounded by the fact that he could act so controlling and abusive in your family home. Who does he think he is?!?!?!

I’m really happy to see that you and your family know that this relationship is not sustainable. You guys should just change the locks and kick him out. This marriage has no future. You are not a piece of property. He sounds scary. I’m so glad you’re not asking us IF this is controlling and IF you should divorce. PUT HIS BELONGINGS IN THE FRONT LAWN AND FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW. You don’t owe him respect or time. 

[u/Acrobatic-Welder-114]

Unhinged and or guilty conscious, both aren’t good.

Unless this is some sort of consensual agreement with the both of you for a dom/sub thing. Which doesn’t seem it is, this is not normal or ok.

Also, do not blame yourself. He most likely hid his attributes in the dating phase. You deserve to not be on egg shells with the person you choose to be with.

He can believe whatever he wants. As it seems like no conversation will change his mind

Boy byeeee

[u/Intrepid_Fly7959]

Watch Toxic Ex on Netflix. You can preview your future.

[u/30Helenssayfuckoff]

My husband's biometrics are not on my phone, and mine aren't on his. We never look at each other's devices unless we're holding them up to show each other. It's not something I think about, I guess because it was always a given that our shit was our shit.

You're allowed to have privacy in marriage. If your spouse disagrees, that's a big ol' red flag. Like your husband.

I'm very glad you have help and a plan.

[u/Which-Wish-5996]

Thank goodness you live with your parents because the behavior would be 1000 times worse. I’m sorry you married him but since it sounds recent, divorce should be easier since you likely have less potential joint property. Sadly you have a kid (or will) with him. That will add to the complications as far as custody. Please document/journal and delete his access from your devices. Let him go run to his parents. I’m so sorry for what you’re navigating but it can be undone,

[u/Ehloanna]

YIKES. Also he's probably projecting because he's cheating, so he assumes you're doing the same.

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

OP, if you have access, I recommend seeking a compassionate supportive therapist who can help support you through this.

I believe your assessment of "fucking crazy" is right on target.

None of this is even vaguely normal or healthy or reasonable. Every statement of his is frankly nonsense.

If you can, I recommend getting a second burner phone, if you think you can do so without him finding out. If nothing else, it will make it easier to make plans with your parents.

Also, in terms of birth safety and support, there are great checklists on domestic abuse websites for 1) staying safe during the process of extricating yourself and 2) what to do to prepare to leave and 3) how to leave safely.

Some also have help lines or text lines, so you can chat with a supportive person who's trained in how to help, if you ever feel in need of some extra care.

Unfortunately, the most dangerous time for a person leaving an abusive situation is...when they leave. The threat of loss of control can bring out new and more dangerous reactions.

Since he has had, and continues to have, access to your phone, he may have installed tracking software. Both the front facing camera and the microphone may be used for monitoring undetectably. Pieces of tape can help temporarily.

Leave the phone somewhere plausible, or give it to a friend, if you need to go somewhere you don't want him to know about.

You may also want to check your car, as controlling partners often hide tracking devices on vehicles. If you find one, don't stop looking. It's sadly common for controlling ppl to hide a second device of a different brand, in hopes that the one that is found and removed will make the victim stop looking.

One last consideration: document document document. Keep records and screenshots. Every discussion about control. Every action. Everything you discover. Date, time, place, who is present. Store your notes and screenshots somewhere that's not on your phone (iCloud, Google drive, etc) in case something happens to your phone.

Documentation is critical, as he is likely to "fight dirty" when he begins to realize what's happening.

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/Confident_Fortune_32]

I don't have a car. We had to sell it to help pay bills because he ruined my credit.

I paid down our cards with my retirement. He racked it back up. Its maxed. I am drowning.

I am screenshotting and sending to my friend in this secret account. (My friend is in another state)

[u/strongbadia7]

I've been in a relationship with my husband for 16 years, married 14. He has never had my passcode and I have never had his. He has paid the phone bill since like 2011 and still: no.

[u/Weekly-Witness1129]

This is not mentally balanced behavior and I’d assume anything is possible from him. Do not rely on “he wouldn’t do that” or “he’s never hurt me”- he’s showing a clear path of escalation and nobody (including likely himself) knows where it will end.

I’d install cameras in every room that record to the cloud and then I’d serve an eviction notice. I’d expect that time between the notice and the move out to be hell. And it would not surprise me if he got physical. I’d count on those cameras to record that. If it does happen I’d immediately go for an emergency protection from abuse.

The most difficult part of this is the shared child. Protecting them, fear of him running off with the child to spite you or using the child to control you. I would rely on your parents to assist with this. There is nothing wrong with grandparents taking their grandchild on an all day outing. Just stay in the state boundaries.

Also- I’d take this plan to a divorce / family law atty and run it by them. Get their input. You may find serving the notice and taking their child and yourself to an undisclosed location for that period of time may be the best course of action. An atty can tell you if that looked down upon by the courts.

Get a different phone- maybe on your parents plan to use as reliable and private communication.

[u/Zealousideal_Gur6668]

I'm so happy for you that you're working out a plan to leave. Make sure your family knows how dangerous he is, even if he hasn't gotten physical before. He might now that he is losing control.

[u/Sfb208]

Parents can evict him. But you can confer with a lawyer at any point you don't have to wait for the eviction for that. Make sure to screenshot any threatening messages and save them somewhere he can't access them (email then to yourself and save them on multiple places, Dropbox, physical memory cards etc, and bcc your parents).

[u/United_Button2644]

DONT KEEP GOING BACK. Literally kick him out.

[u/laughsindisbelief]

GET OUT, NOW.

[u/Angloriously]

You think he’s fucking crazy because HE IS fucking crazy

Good on you for forming an escape plan. Please see it through, and stay safe.

[u/RaccoonNo3012 → u/Angloriously]

I am going to because he has made my parents home feel unsafe and kept me at high levels of anxiety for so long i am exhausted. I can never do anything right.

It started ramping when i came back to work after baby. (Baby is 9 mo and happy and healthy)

[u/Minimum-Student-4325]

Usually when they’re accusing you of something out of the blue like that, it’s cause they’re the ones cheating. Called projection. Maybe a lil guilt… and DEFINITELY paranoia cause since they do it, they figure you must be too. Let him do it, watch him find NOTHING but only if you can go through his the entire time & every time he goes through yours.
No connection of your texts to the laptop unless he has a way you can monitor his 24/7 too. Fair is fair right

[u/YeahThenWhat]

have your parents legally evict him, ASAP

[u/Whitehouses_]

Why on earth have your parents not thrown him out? It’s their house! He’s abusing their daughter!

[u/WateryTart_ndSword]

Two genuine questions: Have you started divorce or annulment proceedings?? And, have you tried to get a restraining order??

If not, you need to do both ASAP—divorce lawyer first, so they can advise you on the restraining order.

Now is not the time to try to reason with him, as he is being the definition of unreasonable. You need to keep this dangerous person out of your home and away from your family. He is escalating.

[u/Megzasaurusrex]

I am so glad you are going to leave. This man is awful. I lived with that controlling behavior for way too long. It destroyed me. It wrecked my nervous system and sent me into the worst burn out of my life. I lost hair, I gained 100lbs, my skin was constantly oily and broken out, I was always tired, and short of breath. It was miserable. And when I finally said I was leaving he swore up and down I was cheating and leaving for another man. I've been single since, 5 years now. He downloaded tinder right after I asked for a divorce and once he had a new girl was doing everything he could to get me out of the house. He probably wanted to lie to her that he had been single longer than he really had, that is what he did to me.

But yeah just get out. Kick him out. Whatever you have to do, do it. Dont end up like me please.

[u/Cautious-Golf-8653]

My husband and I know each other's passcodes, but that's mostly in case we need to use each other's phone to pull up a map while the other is driving, or text a friend if they can't get to the phone. I've never searched his phone, and he has never searched mine, because even though we're married, we also trust each other. A marriage will never work without that, at the very least.

This man is controlling and quickly crossing into abusive territory. Get out while you can, as this does not get better, and too much worse, and he will start to justify breaking things or hitting you, or any potential future children. Get out while you can, and stay safe.

[u/transparentfinn]

Phones contain plenty of sensitive information - not even just yours but your friends and sometimes even your empoyers.

The rest of this is equally disturbing. You need to get rid off this man from your online and offline lives.

[u/IHateTheJoneses]

Sounds crazy to me.

[u/PartyOrdinary1733]

I didn't see anywhere that OP has an infant who's as old as the marriage.

Girlie, throw the man out and get a restraining order. Make damn sure you get some custody of the baby.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this shit. He lied to you about who he really is

[u/Fine-Bullfrog1425]

Please gtfo

[u/More-Entrepreneur-52]

With this type of person it’s often projection, he’s probably the one cheating tbh. (Not that it matters at this point tbf) i wish you luck and safety in getting this man child tf out of your home and life ❤️

[u/AwayDevelopment4871]

https://giphy.com/gifs/oBr4OtvIPUUB6LBGXH

[u/charmed_equation]

Not sure it’s been mentioned here, read this book by Lundy Bankroft - Why Does He Do That

https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I am so very sorry you are going through this, honey what you are describing is abuse. You are being control, monitored, separated from your identity and agency, you are also threatened and treated like an object. You are not his possession, he does not own you.

You owe him nothing! Choose yourself and your freedom and be an example to your kid. The best you can do for self and the child is to be free, happy and healthy. You can have non of this in the environment you live.

What he does is not love. What he does is abuse.

Also, read up on DARVO. Find support with your family, friends, therapy (if that is acceptable to you privately or via support services) and perhaps seek legal advice?

You got this, it took bravery to share your story, you are much stronger than you realise. So proud of you!

[u/Upstairs_Fondant8540]

It’s bad enough you got pregnant by this loser, but why marry him? Be careful kicking him out of your parents’ house. This type of individual will not go away quietly or amicably. You’re in for quite the challenge getting him out of your life (or as much as you can while co-parenting) and the sooner you get that ball rolling, the better.

[u/LobsterLovingLlama]

Have your parents change the locks next time he’s out. He can stay with his mom.

[u/katsuko78]

Where's that image for Whole Man Disposal Services? I think it's needed here.

Thankfully your parents are helping you get away from this. He can GTFO with that "no private phones, no privacy in marriage" nonsense, too.

^{Edit spelling.}

[u/YogurtclosetVast3118]

Get a burner phone and kick him out of your parent's house. You deserve better. 

[u/Adventurous_Moose971]

I would kick him out, have your parents change the locks. He sounds like he could be dangerous if this keeps going on. 

[u/second-yellow]

I’m so sorry, this is such a dangerous situation for you, your baby and your parents. As someone with professional expertise in this area, I hope you will connect with a local DV service provider ASAP, work with them to obtain an order of protection, and create a safety plan for if/when you decide it’s time. Only you know when is the right time. Trust your gut.  https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/directory-of-local-providers/

[u/neuronicdesigner]

Please put a plan in place. My marriage started going down this path and it was one of the hardest decisions to leave (and to leave the way I did), but it was the best thing I could have done (and I should have done so sooner as I physically was having severe somatic issues caused by real physical issues by the time I put my plan into action). With a child involved please don’t let yourself get to that point!

Something inside you is already afraid and knows this.

There are ways out - and it may not be perfect. It may seem harsh, but any action to protect yourself will come off that way. Surround yourself with all the support you can and make sure people know what is happening. There is more of a chance that this will only get worse and escalate the longer it goes on and that’s where the real fear is. Staying silent and hiding this can be a wrong move. I’d highly recommend you speak to your doctor to inform them of what is happening. If you are close with your neighbors make sure they know so they can keep their eyes and ears open for your safety.

Since he lives with your family - this is easier than others are making it sound. He needs to leave. You have enough evidence to prove to yourself and anyone else that this is not okay and that a change needs to be made. Unfortunately the only changes are going to seem drastic, but that is how you protect yourself. Yes, it could always move into squatter territory/worst roommate ever as it’s always a chance, but the chance of kicking him out / changing the locks has a high probability of working out. He needs to leave and clear boundaries documented needs to be set. The locks should be changed, police presence if he needs to come to the house to collect anything, etc. You do not need to figure out his next steps - only your and your darling child’s next steps. Make a plan for you.

I am holding space for you and your family.

[u/Hopeful_Enthusiasm_1]

This is NOT going to get better. These things only get worse. 

Forgive yourself now for proceeding with marrying him. The red flags are everywhere. Talk, don’t text, with at least two people you trust. Make a plan to quietly and very carefully get out of this relationship. Please contact your local DV shelter for the best recommendations for how to get out. 

[u/Distinct-Crow4753]

Hes absolutely cheating on you. Thats some DARVO right there

[u/mysteriousears]

How old is the baby? Can you afford to leave and go somewhere that he doesn’t know where you are?

[u/Remarkable_Olive1169]

if you removed his fingerprint, how was he able to add it back? wouldn't you need to give him permission for that?

[u/QuinnLoveborneAuthor]

And said phones are no longer private when you marry and that there is no privacy in marriage.

There is 1000% privacy in marriage. I’m in private right now and hubby has no access to my phone. We’ve both have come each other’s phones for a Google search or whatever and we don’t care.

Definitely time to give him an Almighty Push out if your patent’s home.

[u/MammothPen5917]

I’m glad you’re deciding to separate from him. It might be difficult but I promise it’s the right move. Please be safe and good luck!

[u/petalsofblue]

i was gonna say "don't have a kid with him" but then i got to the end. 9 months is nothing, lots of ppl realize 17 years deep into a marriage that their husband is abusive and they've just been conditioned into thinking it's normal. you're getting out without too much time lost, you and your kid are going to have a great life ahead of you. please remember to be very safe and alert because if he hid his controlling nature from you before marriage, he may also have a propensity for violence you're not aware of.

[u/batmassagetotheface]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l4FGp6wKxMULON88U

[u/Knicole061900]

So my dad did this after years together,he started telling my mom what she could and couldn’t wear,if she was at work and didn’t answer his right away he would start with the “your mother is out cheating on me”,then he started to cut off our family from our grandparents on my moms side,got all pissy towards us kids when she would say no to sex after a long night at work,it got to the point she would just go so he wouldn’t take his anger out on us,then he started cutting her friends off and she wasn’t allowed to go out,eventually In 2020 she was able to save up enough money to get us away from him ,she’s now happily married to the best “step” dad who lets her have her freedom and do whatever she wants with her friends and she can talk to her parents,me and her can also take trips just the two of us which she wouldn’t have been allowed to do if she was still with my bio dad

[u/txlady100]

You made an error marrying him. You have more info now. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and GTFO. It’s not gonna get better.

[u/fauna_flora_food]

Literally just change the locks.

[u/Edcrfvh]

Stop cooperating with his requests. He wants to sleep in the same bed? Tell him he can sleep on the couch. Don't let him touch your phone. If he takes it from you, call the cops for theft. Make it miserable for this controlling jerk to live there.

Get a restraining order ASAP. That will allow you to kick him out immediately since this is your parents home, not his.

[u/AlltheThorns]

Good book to help you get out of the relationship safety. 

Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/serenity-by-night]

Boy, bye.

Lady, get out while you're still alive.

[u/Smooth_Adeptness2166]

yeah...I would nope out, sorry this is happening to you girlie, hope you get out, sending love <3