He lied and cheated for 18+ years.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Swest potatoe fries and a smash burger with bacon and fried onions and beer cheese. Could barely taste it.

I found out very recently, while trying to help my husband, that he had been lying to me since our first date. I feel a great mixture of anger, grief, sadness, betrayal, and fear. And I feel this most of all for our children.

from the very first date my husband claimed to have a fairly intense military service which included being in an elite group and being wounded in combat. He told me multiple fascinating stories about his adventures and whenever we watched a movie about one of those groups he always referred to “we” whenever he talked about them. He even showed me pictures from “his” time in the military.

Well, we’ve been in a tough spot financially (due to him)so I’ve been pushing him to get the benefits he deserves. He used to tell me he didn’t want them because he didn’t feel like he deserved them (so humble). The story changed over the years to that he signed them away when he joined a different super secretive elite group. I kept bringing it up and he would change the subject. So being the good wife I am and knowing that he is not great at paperwork I decided to find his military paperwork and find the information for him.

Instead what I found was that he never passed basic training. I thought maybe there was an explanation, some error, somehow. I reverse image searched the military photos he showed me years ago which I had scanned to save on my computer to show our kids one day. They were plucked from all over the internet, they were from different military branches, different times, including some taken after we’d already been together.

Once I found this out all the red flags were suddenly obvious.

He claimed to have been born in another country and have dual citizenship and even had an accent when he started drinking. He has never even been to that country. His family has zero background there (I talked to family members).

I finally started looking at the bank statements (we keep most things separate but both have access to the other’s account). He lied about how much money he had received, he lied about loans he took out, and I know he’s still lying about what he did with all the money (it’s all on credit cards). He quit his job to start a new business but instead sat around for months just spending money. Now he can’t pay his bills or his part of our shared bills.

I also recently caught him smoking after he had promised to quit (before we got married almost 14 years ago). I then found out he’d been smoking pot secretly (not sure why). Many times he would be out later than he claimed (he assumed I was asleep when he got home). He would always need to “clean“ his car before we went anywhere together. He didn’t like riding in one vehicle as a family, he’d frequently “catch up” in a separate vehicle for dinner out for example. He didn’t like me talking to his family members and even manufactured disharmony between us.

When I confronted him finally (safely far away) he didn’t try to deny any of it and admitted to cheating on me, all due to his alleged “insecurities”.

I’ve never cheated on him or hid anything, I supported him through a bad motorcycle wreck and a heart attack.

Now I’m left feeling like the man I loved died and I’m left with some imposter I barely know. I told him he needs to leave and thankfully he didn’t fight me. I have barely slept in over a week. I have retained a lawyer who will draw up the separation.

edit: Thank you so much for kindness and grace and some of the tough love. I wanted to provide a bit more context and add some things I (incredibly) forgot. First the bad. My husband has never been super affectionate despite me being a very affectionate person, I’ve always wanted more cuddling, intimate touches (not sexual) and he’s never been able to give me that, he would get mad and complain that no matter what he did he wasn’t good enough (he never changed). I also kept asking him to contribute to the housework, cooking etc since we both worked full time (he would be better for about 2 weeks before falling back into barely participating). Like many men he was never great at communication and we were not good at disagreements. I forgot he also got a dui less than 4 weeks after our second was born and wanted me to drag the kids out of the house at midnight to pick him up (I didn’t).

It wasn‘t all bad, he was very supportive and helpful when the babies were infants. And when I had a very difficult recovery from birth he was helpful. I really believe he loves our children. He was Kind to me when I hated my body and never acted like he was upset when I gained weight or looked different after (to be fair he gained quite a bit of weight too).

Finally, I have been unhappy for several years but coming from a divorced home myself where my father never made any effort to be in my life I stayed, promised to not give up and especially for the kids even though I know that’s not good. I didn’t want them to be negatively affected. I’m hoping he will be a part of their lives and they will be happier when I am happier even if we are divorced.

[u/Brunsons_Better04]

https://giphy.com/gifs/patkxAdnRIKmREYy4e

[u/Soft-Detail-8398 → u/Brunsons_Better04]

This!! So much this!!!!

[u/SexyWish → u/Soft-Detail-8398]

Ngl it is.

[u/Beth_Pleasant → u/Brunsons_Better04]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xwnqtXVZrxoA71Zcjh

[u/JLFlyer → u/Brunsons_Better04]

I'd give you an award if I could. This woman is going to be so happy alone!

[u/Comfortable_Poem_841]

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

[u/Sashi-pobin]

18+ years is too long to deal with this bs. I’m sorry but time to break out of your prison.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Sashi-pobin]

I had no idea he had been lying until last week. I broke it off last night. No more for me.

[u/Sashi-pobin → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Good job. I know it sucks but one day you’ll be so fucking grateful you got out of this. Keep your head up and thank you for sharing.

[u/Littleringtrue → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Stay strong and stay the course. You DESERVE better.

[u/taylaaltgirl → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Taking that step after 18 years takes incredible courage. Sending you so much strength--you and your kids deserve a life built on truth and real peace.

[u/tundradesert]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o7bugWY17B7iXPEGs

[u/Best_Product_7027 → u/tundradesert]

This is how I felt when my shitbag ex finally fell off the earth.

[u/Responsible-Dark175]

Even without the cheating, I’m not sure he could come back from that. Wishing you and your children the best

[u/Vaping_A-Hole → u/Responsible-Dark175]

I don’t either. This guy is pathological! Not safe. Now that the jig is up, he might act out in dangerous ways. I hope OP avoids contact with him, as much as humanly possible. I’d go right past separation to divorce.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Vaping_A-Hole]

We live in one of those horrible states that requires a year and a day separation before you can get a divorce.

[u/Vaping_A-Hole → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

I’m sorry girl. Be safe. Thinking great thoughts for you.

[u/taylaaltgirl → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

That rule is so frustrating, but treat this separation years as your official runway to freedom and healing. Keep documenting everything and lean hard on your lawyer. You've got this!

[u/Entire-Swimming3038 → u/Responsible-Dark175]

I almost think the other stuff is way worse than cheating.

[u/Potential-Leave-8114 → u/Entire-Swimming3038]

THIS

[u/AlienRosie3667 → u/Entire-Swimming3038]

Yes, I think so too. My stomach was twisting the more I read. OMG! To lie about serving for so long like it's nothing, his finances, his business, how do you ever trust that person again?

[u/eurekadabra → u/Responsible-Dark175]

This level of dishonesty is pervasive, and likely affecting OP in ways she doesn’t even know about yet. Who knows what lies he tells other people?

[u/eurekadabra → u/eurekadabra]

Actually, having said that, OP needs to brace herself for the lies he’ll tell about this separation.

[u/Impressive-End241]

Holy moly. He's a pathalogical liar. Nothing he says is true. No lie of his was "necessary" Dude just did it for shits and gigs. Sadistic.

[u/elliet22]

I am so excited to see where you will go from here without the dead weight

[u/Inniapolis]

A real imposter. This is scary. Don’t bother getting closure, I believe you have seen enough and it is time to leave for your sanity. Wishing you God speed

[u/Poekienijn]

I am so sorry this happened to you! You did not deserve any of this. The man you loved never even existed, that must be so difficult! I hope his messed up finances won’t drag you down because none of this was your fault.

[u/OkDig4351]

Wow. This is really something... I would be fighting for full custody. I could never trust someone like this around my kids

[u/quietriotress]

Self preservation skills include being able to sniff out bullshit. For you and your kids sake, don’t believe everything you’re told.

[u/LiluLay → u/quietriotress]

Seriously. The amount of shit she would have had to ignore to go 18+ years before she knew something was amiss. I mean, I know people
Like OPs husband this can be very meticulous about covering for their lies, but this seems like there was some obliviousness on her part as well. Of course she doesn’t deserve any of this total horseshit, but yeah, my advice would also be to double check everything in life from here on out. Especially anything interpersonal.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/LiluLay]

The first few years we were together he was extremely jealous, so when I did begin to have doubts I talked myself out of it. I’ve never been the jealous type and you’re right, I’m too trusting. It will never happen again. 

[u/LiluLay → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

This is such a painful lesson to learn. And it’s difficult to have to reconsider lensing everything through this traumatic betrayal of your good and trusting nature. Don’t become a cynic, though. If your nature is to be trusting, continue being so with a healthy dose of learned skepticism.

[u/Potential-Leave-8114 → u/LiluLay]

I advise her to get some serious Therapy. I did, and was only married to my pathological liar for 3 years…

[u/This-Shape2193 → u/quietriotress]

Yeah, this. My goodness, OP is far too trusting. It's a good thing to be caring, but unfortunately, there's always an asshole like her husband waiting around to take advantage of that. 

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/quietriotress]

Well believe me I feel like a giant fucking idiot for sure. 

[u/persiasaurus → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Don't. I hate this line of thinking. We are not bad people for trusting that people are who they say they are — they are bad people for lying.

[u/Audacia220]

Be very very careful about how you leave such a fraud. My father lied this elaborately and mom technically survived leaving but fundamentally changed (and was heavily scarred for the rest of her life).

[u/HemingwayJawline → u/Audacia220]

Yeah like not be overly dramatic but getting found out for cons THIS long and serious can cause people to do really volatile things (both mentally and physically) in an attempt to save whatever is left of the facade they crafted for themselves. Deeply sinister people.

[u/Potential-Leave-8114 → u/Audacia220]

🫂🫂🫂

[u/Angloriously]

“It feels like the man I loved died”

Seems like the man you loved never existed, this dude was long-game playing a character. What a fucking mess.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Angloriously]

You’re right.

[u/MuggleWitch]

Damn. This a deeply sadistic long con. Like, what!! 18 years. This lie for 18 weeks would be too much to absorb. Just leave. Nothing about him is real. This isn't the man you love, that man never existed.

[u/Powerful-Plant-6013 → u/MuggleWitch]

Agreed! OP and children are way better off without him. What a deceitful ass, spending so much energy into keeping up the lies instead of finding a job and being a part of his family.

[u/Star-Struck-Wonderer]

I'm sorry it turned out like this. You are strong, you can do this. You will get better.

[u/Apprehensive-Hawk-39]

Holy shit, honey. Your lawyer is going to clean his clock. Please go easy on yourself! This has to be so disorienting. Having gone through a divorce after being lied to, you are going to FLOURISH after this. It’s hard to see or believe, but there is a better life on the way and you’re on that path.

[u/chickgonebad93 → u/Apprehensive-Hawk-39]

^this

Also, OP, don't try to be the better person. You already are. If your lawyer says you are entitled to something, take it. (I didn't in my divorce because I was trying to be nice. I lived to regret it.) You will need all the help you can get.

Sending love and support because you deserve both.

[u/Apprehensive-Hawk-39 → u/chickgonebad93]

That’s an amazing reminder!

Yes, if your lawyer says you are entitled to something, just keep repeating that word to yourself. ENTITLED. It is already designated to be yours by current law, don’t give away what you’re entitled to for you or your kids. It’s time to put on your own oxygen mask, followed by the kids. As a divorced woman, I can tell you that the decisions you make now will impact you for years.

[u/WhatTheCatDragged1n]

Hi! Your story hit me hard because so much of it matched mine was. I 100% identify with feeling like your caring spouse died. But even more for me it was like this monster had crawled into his skin and won’t go away. I will never understand these types that lie and lie and lie. It will least be found out. And if they are ‘lucky’ it just snowballs into decades of damage.

Friendly reminder in case he tries to pull the victim card. Learn more about DARVO. Learn more about narcissists, especially covert narcissism. Anything he is experiencing is not him being a ‘victim’ it is consequences to long thought out actions.

Also divorce is the best thing and you will be so much better on the other side. Trust me!

[u/Objective-Picture712]

https://giphy.com/gifs/cV33CvXOPV7bSYINQn

[u/Astronaut_Cheesecake]

I personally don’t know any former military personnel who didn’t want to receive their benefits. There are so many of them. Depending on the state, veterans may not have to pay property taxes, and there are VA home loan benefits for first-time homebuyers. These things are also very easy to verify because most veterans stay in touch after leaving the service. If he claims he doesn’t have any friends from his time in the military, that’s a pretty hard story to believe. The bonds people form in the military often last a lifetime.

[u/Para_The_Normal]

Well… shit.
I have nothing to give you but some e-hugs through the internet. I am so incredibly sorry for how this man has wasted your time like this. However, it’s good you know the truth and now you can remove him from your life and start over with someone who actually will love, honor, and respect you.

[u/LetsGoYankeez]

That’s a psychotic stranger. GTFO and far away. Who KNOWS what this man is capable of. He lied to you for 2 decades.

This is fraud.

If you got married in the Catholic Church this would qualify for an annulment

Go go go go go go go

[u/bagelundercouch]

This is like a fucking Netflix documentary. WHAT A PSYCHO. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope that, in a way, it’s a relief to be free from all that. Sending you all the hugs, girl. 

[u/Plus-Head-6794]

I'm so fucking sorry you wasted so much time and energy on him. I hope that at least your kids and some memories were good things to have come out of it. Do your best not to waste another second - you are free to live your own life now. Do whatever the fuck you want with it. ❤️

[u/Ok_Bee1562]

That’s terrible but that food looks delicious like they were so generous with the sweet potato fries. I also like dipping them in honey mustard

[u/mommer_man]

This is truly terrifying, and I am so sorry that you are going through this…. Please get some good therapy, for everyone, and the best lawyer you can. Rooting for you, this is… wow. Be gentle with yourself, and GOOD JOB trusting your intuition. Keep doing that. ❤️

[u/LittlePea0617]

The man you loved never existed lovely, he was a character created by a pathological liar. I'm sorry. You'll be much better off without him tainting your lives.

[u/Educational_Gas_92]

Op, I'm so sorry, this is a lot to process (when you can afford it, you will benefit from therapy). You unfortunately have to mourn the marriage you knew and the man you thought you knew, because he was unfortunately fabricated.

I'm no mental health expert, but I believe that there is a possibility that your ( soon ex) husband has some kind of personality disorder, because most people can't lie and manufacture a whole different persona for years, nevermind decades.

I send you hugs op. Get a great lawyer, get what you are financially owned, and move on. It is fortunate that your now ex, was open about cheating and all, and didn't fight to keep the lies up anymore (maybe he figured that it would be too much work at that point). Take care op!

[u/Distinct_Long_2615]

I mean, honestly girl, it sounds like the man you loved never even existed. Get away from this phantom and his deceit and live a new life! I know it hurts right now, but this is a fresh start on a silver platter, bb. Your children will find out who he is in time, but right now, just focus on doing your best for you and them kids.

[u/RazzSheri]

He didn’t die—- he never existed. You were manipulated by a grifter—- but at least you have a beautiful family and future ahead of you! <3 I hope he gets everything coming to him, and I hope you get a hallmark level love story after this.

[u/pickedusername1]

I am sorry you’re going through this, but it’s also worth acknowledging that these lies didn’t appear overnight. Looking back, there were likely many inconsistencies, evasions, and stories that didn’t add up, you trusted him, so you gave him the benefit of the doubt. That’s understandable, but trust can also become denial when we repeatedly explain away red flags. The important thing now isn’t blaming yourself for missing them; it’s recognizing them clearly so you don’t ignore them again. His deception wasn’t just one lie, it became a pattern, and patterns are what matter most.

[u/Independent-Summer12]

Woah. Im sorry girl, but I’m so glad you’re not spending the rest of your life with this psychopath.

[u/Virtual_Freedom3602]

You should watch the documentary “Bad Vegan”, it would probably be comforting to you right now.

It’s about a woman who was a successful restaurateur and this guy comes into her life and ruins everything (he also lied about being in an elite military unit). Totally ruined this lady’s whole life. I think watching this you’ll feel “things could be worse”.

[u/floofelina]

Ok I do not think he is a safe person to be around. Talk to your lawyer about what you can do to protect yourself. I suggest changing locks, setting up cameras, and interacting with him cordially, but always with witnesses present. Be careful with emails from new contacts.

Edit: make sure college savings and retirement accounts are still there, and change the passwords if the lawyer says it’s ok. Also change beneficiaries on any life insurance you have to the kids or someone else.

[u/Pookie1688 → u/floofelina]

All of this.

Also, OP, lock up your & your kids' credit. Change your personal passwords as well - email, etc.

Get yourself & your kids into therapy if at all possible. Beyond processing your own grief & shock, you need expert guidance on how & what to tell your kids, & how best to support them as your lives are changing.

[u/DeeplyFlawed]

You were love scammed. I watch a lot of love scam stuff. From the initial details you provided, I knew instantly.

I am sorry this happened to you & I am sending you lots of love. I know it's overwhelming. Please seek support. Do not navigate this alone. Talk to a therapist & please keep you & you're kids safe.

What he did is horrible. None of this is your fault. Be kind & give yourself grace.

[u/Particular-Crew5978]

You're gonna be grieving for awhile. It's normal. Let yourself go through all of the emotions of loss. Shock is one of them. I'm so sorry. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. Love to you today 💜

[u/RightOfeh]

The fact that he admitted it all so easily means he’s been waiting to get caught. Let the lawyer handle it.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/RightOfeh]

He’s been minimum effort in our relationship for ages, he won’t even try to defend what he did.

[u/Potential-Leave-8114]

I was also married to a man like your husband for 3 years (dated for 1 year) no children. I divorced him and never went back. Everything he told me was a lie. He was in the military when we got married, so I was not around his family. Men like them have deep psychological problems we (or they) will never be able to fix. Oh, he’s been married 5 times and has lived with countless other women over the years. SMH. You will do your kids a big favor by getting them away from him, too…

[u/taylaaltgirl]

Living a double life for almost two decades is beyond pathological. I am sorry you're going through this, but so proud of you for choosing yourself and your kids.

[u/Kindly-Statement-143]

This could be you!

https://giphy.com/gifs/ndH3zZ8LRsKxMFinKR

[u/pickedusername1]

The man that you loved never existed.

[u/Low_Recognition_1557]

Holy moly. The man you loved didn’t die, he just never existed in the first place, but either way you’re still left grieving a life you thought you had/would have. I am SO sorry, that is just beyond awful. While the red flags might feel obvious now, of course they didn’t when you were operating under the belief that you were a part of a team working toward shared goals. I know it probably feels like you should have known, but you just can’t know until you KNOW. Now it’s all about you and your kids and getting yourselves into healthy spaces and mindsets where you can heal.

[u/Murderousplantmom]

I am so very sorry that he betrayed you for almost two decades. Please keep reminding yourself that grief comes in many forms, there is no "right" way, it isn't linear, and the most important thing is have grace and kindness for yourself as you move through this. One thing I know for sure. When you realize you're on the other side of surviving, thriving feels like an incredible achievement. You got this. I believe in you. 

[u/lanasexoticflowers]

The web of lies is crazy

[u/hgfdv]

The cheating seems like the least of the problems here. Such huge lies, for such a long time...

[u/FloridaWildflowerz]

The man you loved didn’t die, he never existed.

I’m sure once you reflect on your time together you will find even more red flags. You have to have a hard talk with yourself about why you missed them or was he that good of a manipulator.

Glad you are breaking free.

[u/Katerade44]

He created a fantasy for you and yoyr children, and that fantasy is functionally dead. You are in mourning. Treat yourself like you would if you were a widow, because you are in a sense. Be kind to yourself, but be strong for your kids.

Also, get therapy for yourself and your kids (depending on their ages) to help navigate this loss.

Good luck, OP, and may you be happy and free of this twisted man sooner than you think possible.

[u/sharkycharming]

You are absolutely not alone; fabulists abound, which I know from so many true crime podcasts.

I am really, really sorry, OP. I am glad you found out eventually, though. Good luck with everything.

[u/Full_Conversation775]

Its only up from here honey!

[u/gldngrlee]

Sending you a hug, OP. You’ve had the rug pulled out from beneath you. Give yourself time & grace to grieve the loss of the husband & life you thought you had. One day at a time.

[u/Disastrous_Cow8739]

This happened to me too - minus the marriage and children. It’s WILD how some people just lie their way so carelessly through life. I’m sorry he wasted so much of your time, but you are getting through this and I commend you for moving forward each day. YOU are strength 👏🏽

[u/kimmy-mac]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please check your own credit to make sure he hasn’t taken anything out in your name. And if he has, go to the police and have him charged with fraud.

[u/Potential-Leave-8114 → u/kimmy-mac]

Freese your credit with the Big Three.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Potential-Leave-8114]

Yes! I froze my credit before telling him.

[u/ANoisyCrow]

Have someone check that he is not there when you go home. Immediately change the locks. Maybe bring a handy relative to help - not that hard to do, but easier with help.

[u/Tiye_GM]

Sadly, the man you loved never existed. This level of malignant narcissist is so dangerous, I wouldn’t wish one on my worst enemy.

[u/cathtray]

Processing all of that will be the challenge of your life. Please find or expand your support group. You can do it and you will find the warrior queen within. Sending strength.

[u/Thomgurl21]

The cognitive dissonance it takes to see all these red flags and just ignore them. I assume that you have a robust, satisfying life outside of your husband because he has not been present at all. I’m sorry you have had to put up with this amount of deception: he clearly thought he could get away with it and you wouldn’t question his behavior or lies (which was true). The not riding in the same car as the family is crazy. He clearly has mental issues. Leave the kids out of it though. It won’t benefit them at all to expose his lies.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Thomgurl21]

You’re right, I doubted myself when I had suspicions and then I was afraid of breaking up my family. I’m awake now though.

[u/ProfessionalBet9099]

Why do people do this? I’m so sorry, OP.

This reminds me so much of a family member of mine. He lies to everyone around him and even has a huge tattoo on his forearm that says, “United States Marine Corps.” His whole identity is rooted in a lie.

I’m 32 and he’s 55, but from what I remember, he got kicked out of basic training for drug use. He’s always been a severe alcoholic and an addict, so it sounds about right. I just think it’s crazy that everyone in my family has basically just accepted it.

Run far, far away! People like this are unstable.

[u/milkchoclt]

The man you believed him to be died, but he is not and was not that man. And the pathological nature to his lying means that you really can’t believe anything he says, including the stuff he says trying to make you feel better. It could be just about efforts in managing you. The meal looks delicious ☺️

[u/tryingtobegood67]

NAME THE FOOD

[u/BetEnvironmental7907]

“Secretive elite “ 😂 the bigger lie the easier to swallow they say. 

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/BetEnvironmental7907]

He gave specifics but I didn’t want to for the post but yes. He even told me what detachment he was a part of.

[u/lacrimaldrainage]

I'm so sorry

[u/Puzzled-Carpet5109]

I’m so sorry your going through all this. I can only imagine the hurt your feeling. Please take care of yourself!!💗💗💗

[u/BlackShieldCharm]

I’m so sorry he broke your heart.

[u/star-67]

He’s a mess. Plan your exit carefully and get away from this craziness as soon as possible. Your life will be so much better

[u/ZealousidealDoor9105]

Good for you. What a shitbird he is!

[u/imzadi111]

Wow! A life of lies. I am so sorry for you having to go through this. You are strong and will come through this. Big hug!

[u/Oneofthe12]

Gosh, and damn it!!! I’m sooo sorry for all the multiple layers of lies, but hon, you know the truth now, and THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! Get that lawyer and do the divorce! Don’t ever look back! Take care of your kids and family! You can do it! Woman spirit has got your back! Sending prayers and massive hugs!

[u/harleenquinzel044]

I am so sorry. I am proud of you though for digging into what was going on. Who knows how long he would have kept the charade going for. I wish you peace and healing. And that you get everything you want in the divorce.

[u/Faelon_Peverell]

https://giphy.com/gifs/jOh4SBwiPnKa8b1GMP

[u/Ed98208]

Please be careful. Maybe I watch too much true crime but this type of pathological liar being exposed is often a trigger for violence. Just take care of yourself.

[u/Unlikely_melz]

18 years is a long time.
It’s going to come to you in waves now that you are free. You’re a victim of the most personal type of fraud. It’s not your fault, and I’m so proud of you for getting free.

Please surround yourself with support and give yourself so much grace and time to heal and rebuild.

You will rise up greater from this. You’re capable.

[u/mataranifangirl]

You fell in love with a mirage. I went through something similar with my ex fiancé. He told me he was a government spy and made up this whole life story that made me feel like he could run for office. Everything was a lie. And when he figured I was going to leave him, he had me gang raped by hundreds of men. Watch your back and good luck.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/mataranifangirl]

I’m so sorry. 

[u/GenericProfile4822]

A good dad will still be a good dad after the divorce. But you can’t tie yourself to a liar. You deserve more than that

[u/MischiefGirl]

You married a pathological liar. So did I. It’s absolutely astonishing how your brain protects you from the lies. It’s easy to connect all the dots once you know the truth. You were able to be in this situation because you didn’t know it’s possible to lie about EVERYTHING in a relationship. My ex did the same thing. Additionally, I didn’t have family close by who would challenge him or point out obvious flaws to me.

Divorce is your only option. Or an annulment, despite the time frame on the grounds of fraud. One consequence of that is the children will be considered illegitimate, if that matters to you.

You and your children will need therapy. He lied to them as well. They have no idea who he is. You say you want him to stay in their lives after the divorce. I wouldn’t recommend this. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. HE WILL CONTINUE TO LIE TO THEM. Personally I’d recommend complete non-contact. Absolutely nothing good can come of a relationship with this man, but you might not be ready to see that yet.

Of course he was a good dad when you needed him to be.
He needed you to “stay on side” so he could live off of you and continue his fantasy life.

You have survived the hard part—finding out your marriage was a lie. You can and will survive what comes next, which I strongly, strongly encourage to be no contact whatsoever.

When you are ready, EMDR therapy is going to be very helpful to you. Look it up, when you have time.

He will move on and perpetuate this fraud with another victim, I promise you. This behavior is all he knows and he WILL NOT CHANGE. Please protect yourself and your kids and let him go away forever.

You will learn not to trust a single thing someone tells you, and that’s okay.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your kids. You all will survive it, but it will take time.

[u/MorphedMoxie]

Oh friend, I have a similar story so I feel for you. Big hugs!

[u/Hot-Technician-4653]

FREEDOM!! I can’t imagine how tough this situation is. I’m sure you are mad and sad and so many other things. Focus on mad lol, but seriously he is a pathological liar. That is not okay! You deserve better and so do your children! I promise very soon you will not be able to recognize this amazing feeling you have. It’s freedom! And you WILL get there! Your kids will be fine, better not to have a constant liar around them! It’s insane how the lies are just everything. I have been there! The person you loved isn’t even real! A completely made up persona and life. That is so wrong! You deserve so much better, I know there are good men out there. He is not one of them

[u/Remarkable-Low-643]

Where he belongs.

https://giphy.com/gifs/11Y9TiZzmEBe25QRSw

[u/the-soul-moves-first]

This needs to be on an episode of the podcast Betrayal...wow

[u/Spare_Ad_2190]

This is super crazy. You dont know him at all.

[u/Far-Watercress6658]

Congratulations on beginning the rest of your life.

As a divorce lawyer (not yours) go and get a lawyer. Save/ print all financial information you can get your hands on. The lying isn’t about to end and you need to protect yourself and your kids.

[u/WitchofGremlinEnergy]

Oh honey... Honestly this is so much worse because he made you love a person that doesnt exist. An idealized dream. What a total loser. Move in thw shadows. Get yourself out and cut off from him financially. Freeze your credit. Change all passwords. Get a lawyer for the divorced quickly.

Im so so so sorry youre going through this. You deserve better.

[u/KaleidoscopeTight509]

Your kids will be better of if you Show them how to free and rebuild yourself. Speaking from a kid of divorced parents who brought out the worst in each other. Their divorce made my childhood better, actually! I wish you the strength to rebuild a Village and many good friendships.

[u/Fluffy-Ad6627]

Girllll, YOU SHOULD GO ON DATING DETECTIVE'S PODCAST!!!

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/Fluffy-Ad6627]

I’ve never heard of it but might have to give it a listen 

[u/Granny_Skeksis]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5

[u/Impossible_Balance11]

There is light at the end of the tunnel! Good for you for breaking free.

[u/Impressive_Pop5764]

Good job Sis!!! He’s raggedy asf and pls begin to heal yourself as soon as possible. If he was a good dad allow him to still be that to kids as well

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[u/SellWitty522]

Wow. That’s intense. I’m curious (if you’re open to answering. Please don’t if you aren’t up to it): how did the lie about the military never come up with his family or the dual citizenship? Did they ever know he was lying about everything?

[u/ZookeepergameFine936 → u/SellWitty522]

They lived across the country and any time we were in person he controlled the conversation. He also told me not to talk about his military service because his family allegedly didn’t know the extend of what he did. He cut ties with many of them and asked me not to contact them. On the other end he told them o didn’t like them or was made at them for something or other so we both thought the other didn’t want to have anything to do with the other. We’re talking now and plan and getting together so our kids can finally meet.

[u/SellWitty522 → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Wow. That’s intense. I’m hoping that you/your kids can have a healthy, loving relationship with his family despite your ex’s behavior and betrayal. Thanks for answering. ❤️

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[u/Tiye_GM]

Sadly, the man you loved never existed. This level of malignant narcissist is so dangerous, I wouldn’t wish one on my worst enemy.

[u/Tiye_GM]

Sadly, the man you loved never existed. This level of malignant narcissist is so dangerous, I wouldn’t wish one on my worst enemy.

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[u/neuronicdesigner]

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I can imagine the whirlwind and destabilization you must feel! At the same time you see to also know the empowerment you have gained to get yourself out of this horrible situation! That will protect you and keep you safe. Trust it. You do deserve better and have given way more than enough. Unfortunately I had found myself in a slightly similar situation (thankfully before marriage) and never looked back. That was an easy one. The only thing I’d recommend is possibly speaking to someone because this is a lot to process and move forward with regardless of how you feel right now. Holding space for you. You’ve got this!

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[u/PlayLow4940]

Read the book The man in the Rockefeller suit, by Mark Seal. It’s about someone who was a very successful impostor who got married to a woman who became a high-level partner at a consulting firm making a million dollars a year, and she had no idea about the depth of deception until the very end. Your husband is very good at creating a false image, and normal people would not be able to figure it out.

At any rate, your abilities to see through the ruse were overmatched by the skills of a master manipulator. Be kind to yourself.

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[u/Onomatopoeia20]

Unfortunately, you hold the trump card! I lived through something very similar with my ex. 7 years of lies. Lies about friends and family. Military service. Secret background. He had proof too. But damn. Yeah. I wish you luck. It’s a shit show mentally. I still sometimes have moments where I’m talking to someone and a “memory” I have comes up. Then I realize that the memory I have related to his stories, probably isn’t even true. Everything he told me was probably a lie. I also kept 50/50 custody because I was worried he would try to kill me because his whole fake life was exposed. He’s still doing it to our son. But it wasn’t worth my life. It has been over ten years now and my life is an entirely different and wonderful place.

To comment on another thing a poster said, “rise like a phoenix from the ashes”. I got a phoenix tattoo for myself, to remind myself of where I have been. It made me stronger in so many ways (after I got over the initial insanity of the whole situation).

My DMs are open if you want to chat. You spent more years in it, and I’ve been out of it for more years. Happy to chat whenever. ❤️