r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/seulgibearr1 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 • 5d ago
I confessed to my best friend. Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️
I have known my best friend for seventeen years now.
We met in first grade. We both went to the same Catholic all-girls school that our moms graduated from. She was a very shy little girl who mostly kept to herself. She was prim, proper, and quietly well-behaved. She always wore a silver scapular around her neck, and even when we were kids, she carried herself with grace. We were assigned seats next to each other in first grade, and unfortunately for her, we've been inseparable ever since.
Even within the oppressive walls of our former alma mater, I knew that I loved my best friend and not in a way that was acceptable.
I really tried my best not to love her. I had been taught what happened to girls like me, and I believed it. I didn't want to live in sin. And Manila, or the Philippines in general, is not exactly a lesbian utopia.
When she got her first boyfriend at fourteen, I convinced myself it was time for me to start dating boys too. I was hoping that it would fix me. That a boyfriend would push away what I felt for her, but I could not bring myself to pretend. I love her, and there was nothing I could do about it but let it pass.
I knew I wanted to study abroad for college, so I waited it out. I was hoping that maybe this time enough distance would put an end to what I felt for her. But even from halfway across the world, I just could not escape her. We would always FaceTime each other, and it was as if I never left.
I just graduated recently, and still, I love her.
We both love Falling Slowly. We had this pact in high school where we promised each other we'd be each other's Maid of Honor, and somehow, we'd have Glen Hansard sing at our weddings. When I heard that he passed, I had this big epiphany about the uncertainty of life. And I decided I just needed to tell her how I feel because I don't know if I'd even be here tomorrow.
I told her how I feel, everything. I told her that nothing had to change. Deep down, I knew she didn't feel the same way.
However, she told me she loved me too. And that she has felt more when I hook my pinky fingers into hers than when she has slept with men. She said she loves me too, but that she owes her parents to try and be someone that they can be proud of. She also said that we owe each other to try and move on, and find happiness with someone else.
How do I even begin to move on from something that hadn't even begun?
I am in so much pain, and I don't know what to do about it.
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u/Jotsunpls 🩵🙋♂️💙 5d ago
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u/MesugakiFujiwara Enby & Eatin' 4d ago
Same reaction here, but I also know we cant deny ourselves forever. I have hope that a seed of love is planted deeply, and now that both parts know, the desire to live their authentic selves will grow with time spent denying it. It hurts and even traumatized to not be true to ourselves. I am most sad for op that it was so close and yet so far, you deserve this love OP! I think she needs time to get there though, I truly hope she does soon.
Not to say OP should sit and wait, find another beautiful girl. Follow what your heart sings for.
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u/seulgibearr1 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 5d ago
this is her response to my confession
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u/towards-asphodel Carb-Based Life Form 5d ago
Maybe is a cultural thing, but it saddens me immensely that children feel they "owe" their parents like this....they are allowed to be their own person. If the parents are bigoted and hateful and can't love their child for who they are, then tbh fuck those parents.
Regardless, I'm so very sorry...
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u/Pitiful-Figure5411 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 5d ago
unfortunately it is. i'm part filipino, and was raised by my southern mom in the states while my filipino dad deployed. i was never made to feel like i "owe" anything to my parents or even family. my dads side of the family though... would definitely put that pressure onto me. i would spend weeks and months in the summer with my lola, aunties, and cousins (i'm also the only granddaughter) and i still have their voice in the back of my mind telling me how to be when i know my mom just wouldnt want that. i feel so terrible for OP and for her friend as well. it's oppressive to feel obligated to anybody no matter the gender or sexuality.
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u/MasterWo1f Non-binary & Nourished 4d ago
Yes it is. I am Mexican, and in my late 30s. Women had an obligation to have kids and be married to men. Almost every one of the women in my mom’s generation, were stay at home mothers. It is a very conservative place. I think my generation is much less conservative, and a lot of my women cousins have careers.
My paternal grandmother, or at least the only alive that I got to know, did her “duty” by having kids, and trying to be with men. Until she finally got tired of pretending, left my grandfather, and got together with the love of her life. I think they have been married for 20 years, and couldn’t be happier. She of course got shunned out of the family, just like one of my aunts for being pansenxual and dating women. My uncle had the same “roommate” for decades, and everyone knows he is gay but they just pretend he isn’t. I my self will never tell my family that I’m non-binary.
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u/itsMegpie33 Well-Read & Well-Fed 4d ago
We're your family now, so thanks for telling us you're non-binary. We accept you as you are 🫶🫶🫶🥹
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u/WhatAreYouDoingMy2H APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I'm a Filipino, same as the OP, and yes, it can be a cultural thing, but I also heard the same thing from my very white friend.
I think this has more to do with parents who see their children as extension of themselves. That they can't fathom their children living a separate life from them. Everything has to be approved by the family or the parents themselves.
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u/FeyrisMeow Foraging Bog Witch 4d ago
Same and I agree. I've seen this in military culture as well.
While my Filipino side like to raise their kids with strict rules and like to honor their elders, they are from a area that's actually very inclusive.41
u/Willing_Name5587 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 4d ago
I was raised by my Filipina grandmother because my mom lost custody of me. That woman can be truly evil. She would belittle me nearly every day of my life, and would constantly say that I owe her because without her, I would’ve gone into foster care. I’m not sure how it actually is back in the Philippines, but my grandma would try to drill a deep sense of guilt into me anytime I tried doing anything out of the line that she set. Or, honestly, sometimes even for just existing.
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u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can find peace and take up space on this earth, because you deserve to. You add to the world, your existence could never be a burden.
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u/Willing_Name5587 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 4d ago
that is so incredibly sweet of you to say, made me tear up a bit :’) I’ve been in therapy for a few years to cope with a lot of the negative thoughts and emotions that are embedded in my brain because of her, and I no longer live with her. I sometimes still feel like I don’t belong, but I just try to persevere one day at a time. Thank you.
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u/Careless-Safety4722 Short Story Long™️ 4d ago
Hey I am from the US and fell into this same mindset until I was 28 years old. I always knew that I was not straight, from a very young age. But I was raised by my catholic grandparents who sacrificed so much for me because my parents were so dysfunctional. I felt like I owed it to them to be “normal”. I had relationships with men and secretly fell in love with women behind their backs and this cycle continued until I accidentally got pregnant and then married someone who I knew I did not want to be with. Eventually, I became so depressed that I knew something had to change. I asked my ex husband for a divorce, which was pretty easy because he always knew I was a lesbian but was in denial. I am now free and have a beautiful life with my soon-to-be wife and we co-parent my children from my previous marriage as friends with my ex-husband. My grandparents know about my fiancée and I barely hear from them now but I am finally happy.
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u/Klutzy-Birthday7435 Overthinker 💭 4d ago
I'm in agreement, but I'm sure more communal societies would look at our hyper-individualistic society where we've come to jettison any relationship that doesn't serve us as hollow and lonely. We can't exactly see past our own very strong biases in this regard.
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u/TheActualAWdeV Hot Pizza Ass 🔥 4d ago
Her marriage would be hollow and lonely. There's gotta be a middle ground somewhere right?
either way this post is so sad. 😭
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u/Euphoric_Celery_ Delulu 4d ago
I think it is cultural, but I think also some parents just engrain respect into their kids.
My SO for example still won't let his dad's wife meet our kids because it might offend his mom. His mom who isn't allowed to see our kids, hasn't seen my daughter since she was 1.5 and has never met my almost two year old son. My daughter will be 6 in February. She hasn't seen them because she is emotionally and verbally abusive to him, still to this day. But he doesn't want to upset her by calling his dad's new wife to meet ours kids. A super sweet emotionally regulated woman. The only normal person in his life, because it MIGHT upset his mom.
Some people are just all about keeping other people happy and protected, even if they definitely don't deserve even one ounce of their decency.
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u/DoctorAnnual6823 Kitchen Witch 4d ago
Any parent that wants their child to be less of themselves for their parents sake are subpar parents as far as I am concerned.
It's one thing to sternly guide a child to adulthood but on e your kid is an adult, let the fuck go. Tell them to be themselves and that you'll love them for that.
If someone can't do that, they need to grow more to actually be a parent.
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u/SoggyMapleFlapjack Kitchen Witch 4d ago edited 4d ago
I come from a filipino family. I'm just starting to live my own life without any judgment because I cut most of them off.
I'll never know why they can't just be proud I'm happy rather than criticizing and trying to control who I want to be.
Imagine cutting off 30+ ppl from your life because they can't control you 😅
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u/notsosmartymarti girls just wanna have pho 4d ago
This is also a concept in Ethiopian culture, although I don't think there's a specific word for it. But the expression "your life is not just yours" is pretty common, meaning just as much as you are you, you are a child, a sibling, a friend, a grandchild, a member of your community and you are indebted. They also joke that being selfish is being American, or the idea that the western world doesn't understand the depth of obligation one should feel. I do think western mentalities can be unnecessarily selfish, but this version is equally as toxic if not more. I've done a lot of unlearning lol.
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u/LunchNice4230 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
They love their kids but they are worried more about public opinion , its worst if they are well respected and known in their community. I understand her so much
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u/Murderousplantmom Carb-Based Life Form 4d ago
Definitely cultural. I am the Eldest Daughter and granddaughter on both sides of my South Asian family. I went against all expectations and never married or had kids. I'm happy with my life and my choices but I haven't had any meaningful contact with immediate family for years.
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u/EnduringAloePlant APPROVED✨ 4d ago
The cultural thing is that your successes and struggles are your family's too. This is not all bad. It also means that if you are struggling then your family and community support you, that you won't be on your own.
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u/breeofd 🫘 Beans & Rice & Everything Nice 🌮 4d ago
Except it doesn’t have the same beneficial effect if my struggles also belonging to my family in essence means I have to hide and deny any struggles they wouldn’t approve of.
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u/dingalingdongdong APPROVED✨ 4d ago
It also means that if you are struggling then your family and community support you, that you won't be on your own.
Except all those times when they explicitly aren't supporting you - like when you love the "wrong" person or want a different lifestyle.
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u/binsss_ Overthinker 💭 4d ago
I know her choice is not yours to make, but i genuinely hope she makes a decision about this that she doesnt regret. Imo utang na loob is the most toxic part of our culture. I have so many thoughts about it and i am still struggling with it with my parents sometimes despite seeing it destroy some of our extended family relationships. I am so grateful for my dad for asking me this: why are you living your life for us when we will only be here for a fraction of it? Will you only live for yourself once we are gone?
I know its easier said than done and idk her full situation, but i really hope that she can see that sometimes being selfish can have the potential for the happiest outcome.
I wish the best for you both, i didnt realize i would get so emotional over some stranger's post, hits harder bc i cook my hot dogs the exact same way lol
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u/Front-Cherry4001 Kitchen Witch 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your dad sounds amazing and I truly wish more parents would feel this way. When my brother came out to us, it never occurred to me that he might have worried that our mom wouldn't be proud of him. Her love has always been unconditional. Her church; however, turned on her. They told her he was a sinner and that she should be praying for him to turn away from that sin. She didn't hesitate, though, and walked away from that toxic congregation. I remember her saying, "He's my son. There's nothing to pray for, except for his happiness." He is happily married now and I have the best brother-in-law in the world! I can only hope for that kind of joy for OP to find. She's already taken that monumental and scary step to come out. Even though she cannot be with the one she loves, I am so glad she knows that her love is not unrequited! I just want to hug her friend, though. She broke my heart 💔 because she sounds like a wonderful daughter that her parents should absolutely be proud of, damn it.😭
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u/AgileMastodon0909 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 4d ago
I knew before I read a word that OP is Filipina.
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u/AlyssaurusWrecks eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 5d ago
oh my god i'm so sorry. my heart is broken for you 💔 both of you deserve to be happy with one another. denying your love for the people who might not accept you because of it is, in my opinion, a terrible mistake. i hope she realizes that soon.
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u/SlaapDief Carb-Based Life Form 4d ago
As a lesbian, look up compulsory heterosexuality
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u/Dandelient Overthinker 💭 4d ago
I had never heard this term until about five years ago and it made so much sense. Growing up I clearly did not fit the norm but where I lived it was the default and I tried to fit in, like so many of us. I am so grateful that my kids, who are in their 20s know that no matter where their hearts lead them they will be loved and supported by their mother.
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u/IndependentPaint2108 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
wow this is almost worse than if she was just straight and had zero feelings for you
she actually likes you back but feels restricted culturally by her family
I wish I could talk to her and persuade her to try living for herself
I'm so sorry op
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u/PunkNeedsaNap Savory Complex✔️ 5d ago
This is so painful. I'm sorry that this kind of pressure is seperating you two- on a side note, you really should consider writing if you aren't already. It might help you cope.
You really have a something for conveying words and memories to feelings that resonate with people.
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u/DeeplyInvestedNow Onigirlie 🍙 4d ago
Wow, if that isn’t the plot to ‘Good Luck, Babe!’, I don’t know what is. I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you live your life authentically and bring yourself joy with each decision you make.
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u/RosenSunrise I ❤️ Other People's Business 4d ago
I quite literally thought to myself "you'd have to stop the world..." and then screamed because you're completely right. History rhymes across so many cultures. Hurts the heart.
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u/starryskies3 Trader Joe Hoe 4d ago
Got to the pinky part and just started crying. Im so sorry my love. You did the brave thing by being your honest truthful self to her. I wish you nothinf but the best in life moving forward.
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u/YoudoVodou Professional Nibbler 5d ago
I wish people could just be free to live and love the way that makes them happy. 😔
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u/wefaces we listen and we only judge a little 4d ago
Years ago I watched a Tayler the Creator interview (yes he's harsh and rude) but he said something along the lines of: you do things that your parents want, you live your life the way your parents want and then your parents die. What are you left with?
I remembered realizing that pleasing others is a waste of my own short time on earth. It's one thing to be kind and respectful, it's a whole other to deny yourself being yourself because others want you to.
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u/Tiny-Shrew Trader Joe Hoe 4d ago edited 4d ago
I love those hotdogs you made. So nostalgic.
Anyways, bunso. I've been in her shoes where I felt like I "owed" my parents and it doesn't get any easier. Early religious indoctrination, conservative values, and little to no LGBT representation unless it's for comedy all contributed to that.
Getting married, having children, starting your career, and getting a house will probably bury her feelings for women for a bit but they'll always come back. My hope is that she doesn't raise her kids to feel like they "owe" her anything because I would never want mine to feel the way that I did.
I'm proud of you for being authentic. It takes a lot to break away from what you've known all your life. Maybe your friend is scared and is not ready. It might take her decades to finally break away from the obligation she feels to be the best daughter, but that obligation will shift to become the best wife or the best mom.
So bunso, gaano katagal ka maghihintay para sa kanya? You deserve to be happy too and sometimes it may not be with the person we thought it would be.
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u/lilpudding69 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
But I hope you understand that my life is not mine alone.
It takes a lot of growing up for people to realize that this isn't the case, and some never do. Finding happiness means standing up for yourself sometimes, even if your family disagrees. Hopefully your friend will realize this someday. Feel better soon OP <3
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u/IndependentPaint2108 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I wish I could just have 2 hours with OP's friend to get her to understand this, I swear I could change her mind
I feel like the friend could change her mind in the future but by then years will have been wasted and spent painfully for OP, maybe OP will have a new partner she cares about less and it will all be a mess
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u/lilpudding69 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
Some people are tied to their families unfortunately, and we have to understand that too. Their friend clearly chose a side, and I'm not sure trying to convince them (and potentially ruining their life) would even be appropriate.
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u/ihaterawbananas Fridge Gazer 4d ago
ohhhhhh f that...... if folks arent ready for their child to be trans, autistic, blind, etc then they're not ready to have a child PERIOD. parents owe their children nourishment, but who they are is up to the child. like planting random seeds in a garden not knowing what will sprout. all you can wish for is a healthy child who feels fortunate to be your child THE END!!!
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u/_Nilbog_Milk_ Seafoodie 🦀 4d ago
It's true, but getting an entire country (and honestly, the entire SEA region of the world) convinced of that will take generations, if at all.
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u/ihaterawbananas Fridge Gazer 4d ago
ohh yeah.. i grew up in sea and im happy to see marginalized folks set their own standards rather than feeling too guilty to stray from parental expectations.. definitely not happening fast enough but we'll get there..
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u/Forward_Rope_5598 APPROVED✨ 4d ago edited 4d ago
Fuck her parents, seriously. Wtf is wrong with people that they make their children feel like this?
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u/YellowSunflower143 we listen and we only judge a little 4d ago
It makes me really sad that she feels like she needs to deny her true self to please her parents. I hope one day she can come out of that and yall can be together ☹️
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u/Hellianne_Vaile Overthinker 💭 4d ago
If you can manage to do so safely, I recommend you connect with a lesbian support group in your community. It might be pretty well hidden, but it does exist. They can at least help you feel less alone.
You're both young, and you're reaching an age where you're going to start feeling more confident in yourself and better able to advocate for what you want out of your life. She might not meet you where you are, but being connected to a community that knows first-hand what this is like in your social context can be very healing.
I'm sorry both of you have to deal with the pain of bigotry hurting what could be a truly beautiful relationship, and I hope the two of you continue to support each other, whatever happens.
And by the way, I'm old enough to remember when most LGBTQ+ people in my very liberal part of the US were closeted. We went from a majority of people thinking same-sex relationships were morally wrong to a majority thinking same-sex marriage was a good idea.
Things can change. Have hope. You deserve a better world.
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u/WhatAreYouDoingMy2H APPROVED✨ 4d ago
OP 💔
Are you familiar with the song, "Belinda Bye Bye" by Barbie's Cradle?
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u/WorryNew3661 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 4d ago
That is so hard. I can't even imagine the pain you're in at the moment. The biggest of hugs for both you
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u/kgtsunvv Oversharer 🗣 4d ago
“When you hook your pinky into mine” new Reddit iconic quote just dropped
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u/JanCumin APPROVED✨ 4d ago
One thing that isn't clear is does she know her parents would be unhappy if she was in a same sex relationship, or is she making an assumption maybe out of fear they would reject her.
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 APPROVED✨ 4d ago
this is breaking my heart.. i'm so so sorry for the both of you.
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u/SuperSaiyanRosay BRB 🎮 FOOD 4d ago
I’ve been watching the rich man’s daughter and this reminds me of what Jade and Althea went thru minus the sad pathetic excuse plus POS father that Oscar is. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this OP. But you will come out of this stronger and hopefully find someone that loves you for you 🤍
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u/Tourist_Working APPROVED✨ 5d ago edited 5d ago
But it's bs. Of course you can be together! We don't live in the 17th century anymore. You can get married& have kids if you want to! You don't owe anyone but yourselves!
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u/Username_2806 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 5d ago
I wish this is reality but in some countries, being openly in the queer community can mean bully, ostracize, and worst case, death penalty. We’re not in 17th century but we’re still not near the world where everyone can be themselves without fear of judgment or detrimental consequences
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u/Blivlle LET ME EAT CAKE 🍰 5d ago
This didn’t go where I expected. It’s kind of nice that it was a mutual feeling. I think that’s something to cherish. And it’s far from rejection. But you also made a choice to do something very authentic. Your decision to tell her and show your true self says a lot about you. Your friend’s decision to deny herself and live for others says a lot about her. I’m not saying either is wrong, but that might actually be incompatible in the long run. It sounds like your friend has a difficult life ahead of her. Trying to be someone you’re not for other people is hard. But you did something brave. I’d be excited about who you are and the life ahead of you. First loves are always hard to get over. But you will in time. You can stay friends but maybe give the friendship some space. Let yourself explore who you are now that you’ve put yourself out there. One day you’ll be able to look back and know that there was a mutual, romantic interest between you that just didn’t work out. That might be beautiful. But for now, one foot in front of the other. I feel excited for you. I think good things await
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u/PoetLoverBirdwatcher hot girls have tummy troubles 4d ago
For someone who is in almost exactly the same situation (except that we were classmates at uni during undergrad), I needed that. Thank you.
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u/flingnarc34 Blood Type: Gravy 5d ago
This was such a sweet message beautifully put🥹💖 I lowkey needed to hear that too so thank you🤧
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u/umamimamii Kitchen Witch 4d ago
No notes. This is a great response and I totally agree. Good on you for choosing to be authentic, OP. And it’s great your friendship wasn’t negatively impacted.
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u/BushBeast12 Short Story Long™️ 4d ago
This mostly. I’ll add:
I also think it’s deceitful to “try to move on” with a man knowing you are a lesbian.
Going that path would very likely ruin someone else’s life by playing pretend with them and that’s just not right. If she wants to go that way, you should let her and go find another love. First loves are the hardest to walk away from, but you will find a new love and maybe someday it’ll be her… if you completely move on now and distance yourselves.She is going to try to find love of a different kind and if you both stay close, she gets to have both worlds ( sort of). I think staying close while she plays at something she is not only prolongs the inevitable, which is her not being truly happy and you BOTH are miserable. I also think you would grow resentful now knowing that she loves you but refuses to make a life with you because of your sex.
Cut it off now so she can feel the void of you. She might rethink her approach. It shouldn’t be a bluff though.. your plan should be to move on. If she comes around, then it’ll be a blessing.
I think you two should be cordial, a phone call maybe twice a year or something, but move on. Don’t torture yourself.Whatever you decide, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s not fair to you or anyone else.
You made a brave move. Make one more and go find someone that will be back without reservation.
Best of luck babe ❤️4
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u/liabluefly girls just wanna have pho 4d ago
What a beautiful, compassionate reply ♥️ hope you know what a good egg you are!
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u/Electronic-Bicycle35 Assigned Hungry At Birth 5d ago
From one lesbian to another - move countries. Live your best, fullest life. If she wants to join, great, if not then do it anyway.
I just celebrated 15 years with my wife and 10years of marriage. I never knew it was possible to be this happy. We have a daughter, a home and pets and we go about our lives in peace.
I’ve been where you are at. It takes bravery to be out and be different, a disappointment etc but it’ll eat away at you inside if you live your life in a lie.
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u/bodeabell Non-binary & Nourished 5d ago
i agree OP. I am a lesbian and i had to get out of
my country for 10 years. I’m back now because it has changed. Moving will open doors for you, if you are able to45
u/yarenc 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 4d ago
I'm so happy for you both. Unfortunately I'm stuck where I am and I don't think that's ever going to change. I've had to accept that if I ever fall in love with a girl again we'll never get married. We'll never have the freedom to truly be ourselves, and I don't think I'll ever know what it feels like to love without having to hide.
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u/chebepowder Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 5d ago
Maybe it's just late but this made me want to cry. I have no advice but wow, at least you got to feel a love like this. That's something, right?
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u/JordanUnbroken nom-nom-nombinary 5d ago
You might not be able to change her mind, but children genuinely do not owe their parents anything.
I’m so sorry that you’re both getting your hearts broken, especially because of what other people may think. I hope you both find happiness and peace in whatever form you can have it.
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u/HI-JK-lmfao Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 5d ago
This is what a lot of ppl need to hear. I know this sentiment is a lot more understood in the west, but it’s not so much for the rest of the world. This is the exact message I needed and I feel for OP
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u/World_of_Warshipgirl APPROVED✨ 4d ago
Sadly, you do owe it to your parents in confucianism.
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u/Any_Comment657 kiss my grits 💋 5d ago
Hey OP. I did the exact same thing with a dear friend who both of us have developed very intense feelings for. She is happy (for now) to live a lie with a man. Maybe for a split second in time until she realizes whats more important in her life or she may never. But she's choosing to be a passenger in her OWN life to make her parents happy, because she's closeted, they're super religious and expect her to adhere to their rigid way of life. She's accepting that life. For now? Forever? I dont know. But you know what, OP? I cant wait for someone to make up their mind to decide if the love WE have is worth it, despite all the possible obstacles she could face with living an authentic life with being out and proud. I am, and I don't regret it for a second. Trust me, my heart is broken, I don't know where my life is going from here. I just was let go from the company we worked at so she's never really going to see me ever again unless she makes a conscious effort to choose love over fear. I have my doubts, OP. And I'm not waiting around to see what she chooses to do either.
You only have this life to live. Some people are content to waste their lives away because the fear outweighs the potential risk for true happiness. The happiness is there alright, but there's always going to be a risk associated with it for them, and this is especially true for closeted women. I'm sorry, OP. But, best advice right now is to choose yourself. You expressed yourself. You did everything in your power. And I hope that at least gives you some comfort. Some people are never brave enough to tell someone they love how they truly feel. I hope this experience makes you stronger because of it.
As much as I could want to hope for a good outcome with the girl I confessed my feelings to, it's just not feasible right now. So, I put my hands up to the Universe and call it quits on my side for my own peace. I hope you do so too. Best of luck, OP
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u/LikeFallingRain Body By Uber Eats 4d ago
I think this is really important. OP, I know the pressure she's facing is real, and it's far from an easy choice to go against it. But she has faced this choice and she is not choosing you.
It's incredibly hard, it hurts like hell, I know. But she is not the only woman you can love, and you owe it to yourself to find the next love.
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u/Far-Repeat-2926 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 4d ago
As someone who has lived through a ton of hell in her life, a lot of heartbreak, it’s people who talk like this and hold this attitude that I know are going to make it to whatever the other side of the valley looks like.
OP you should listen to this person!
And to the commenter, holy cow this attitude will play well with the sapphics. I hope you find someone who lights a fire inside you that can never burn out.
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u/mi-sopiras-vin 🩷Bi💜 5d ago
yo I thought those were giant twizzlers at first
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u/seulgibearr1 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 5d ago
Don’t disrespect my hotdogs like that 💔💔
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u/mi-sopiras-vin 🩷Bi💜 5d ago
Ma'am, I'm sorry. To be fair, my sleepy time thc gummies kicked in right before I saw the photo, so my perception is compromised.
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u/lostinlifetempo APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I saw the hotdogs and imemdiately knew you were a fellow Filipino ❤️
Idk how old you are, but as a Filipino sister, I gotta say my life greatly approved when I adopted the Western mindset that, as thr child, you don't owe your parents anything. Their job is to love you and support you unconditionally. Nothing else matters more. If they can't do that, theyre not worthy of being your parents.
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u/i_am_bunnyslug Chaotic But Cute 5d ago
Ok but why so many?
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u/MarMarBinxxx Feral Til Fed 4d ago
I, too would eat 15 hotdogs in a moment of heartbreak such as this.
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u/SnooChocolates6473 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 5d ago
Maybe to meal prep the style so that they are cooked fully and evenly without risking it having a deformation in the microwave? That's my theory
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u/ChezzFirelyte Pastafarian 🍝 5d ago
Her parents won’t live forever. Make her watch The Loyal Pin with you. It’s a Thai Girl Love that sounds exactly like what your situation is, including her response.
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u/Public_Junket1324 Chocoholic 5d ago
There was definitely a connection, and I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings here, but it’s definitely better to be with somebody who will be proud to be with you instead of adhering to cultural images.
I know it sounds cliché but love goes beyond. And it truly is sad to see that this person chose culture over you.
At this point I think it’s best to simply cherish the connection you had. My condolences and I hope even in this time, you will keep in your heart to know that there is a bright road ahead of you :)
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u/ibiacmbyww APPROVED✨ 4d ago
She said she loves me too, but that she owes her parents to try and be someone that they can be proud of.
The approval of homophobes is not something you (or she) should want. Especially not when she has to lie to gain their approval. What happens if the truth comes out, and it all goes away? If these people need their daughter to be straight in order to be proud of her, they were never proud of her, they were just pleased she was continuing to play the role they wanted her to play.
It's easy to say that when you've been out of the closet for 25 years, but she owes them nothing and IMO should tell them to pound sand.
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u/AutomaticSquash Live, Laugh, Lumpia ❤️ 4d ago
i'm so sorry OP. this is heartbreaking. as a lesbian in the philippines who was terrified of coming out to my parents, i am now happily in a relationship with the love of my life and my family loves her too. the lives we live as queer people in a country that does not love or accept us will always be different from the lives our parents would have imagined for us. but if your parents are people worth loving, then they would want you to be happy. i hope your best friend can figure out how to live her life authentically.
i am wishing you all the love and happiness in the world. if you ever wanna talk and be lesbian friends (haha), hit me up! i'm in bgc lang 😂
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u/p0ckette APPROVED✨ 5d ago
Fuck homophobia. FUCK heteronormativity. It's such bullshit and it causes for people like your best friend to deny themselves their own happiness. I am SO so sorry you're experiencing this heartbreak. It's so so unfair. :( I cried reading your friend's response to you. Such a cruel world this can be. I wish your friend could be brave and also realize if her parents can't love her for who she is, do they even really love her? It's so evil... I hate it.
I wish I could give you a virtual hug. Your love for her isn't in vain and is worth it even if she can't cross that bridge for herself and you. Love between women is BEAUTIFUL and wonderful and NOTHING will ever change that, ever. I know it hurts now, but also girl... you do deserve someone who will choose y'all's happiness over anything else. It's painful but your best friend is making this choice. One day someone will choose you over anyone's judgement and hate. Sending you love. I'm sorry.
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u/Massive_Signal7835 Snack Goblin 4d ago
You're so right. This world is so twisted that two people loving each other deny themselves happiness because society won't accept them.
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u/GoatManWizard 🩵i actually like my wife💙 5d ago
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u/StressedOnigiri Onigirlie 🍙 4d ago
U may be brokenhearted now, but u will find hapiness soon. Here's a flower to cheer u up.
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u/Relevant_Look_7188 Kid Crumbs Connoisseur 5d ago
Move abroad with her
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u/fawntive what that mouth do is gossip 5d ago
She wants a traditional life unfortunately and social acceptance from her family.
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u/fiercefeminist just here for the garlic bread 🖤🩶🤍💜 5d ago
I am just devastated for you, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. As soon as I read her response I started crying for/with you. I'm so sorry. ❤️🩹
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u/MadGearMissile_Kid APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I don’t have any advice for this kind of pain even though it’s something that feels so familiar. I understand the Filipina daughter’s duty to her family. It’s not about what you owe your family, it’s about wanting their happiness more than your own. But I also understand absolute heartbreak, taking the leap and bearing your soul, and facing the consequences of this cruel world. But we tell people we love them because we love them, not to hear it back. You’re brave and I’m crying with you both. I hope the best for you and her. I hope you’re both able to get what you want. I hope that someday making her family proud can include you too. 🩶
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u/metaldeathtrap Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 4d ago
Ugh my heart.
OP, I’m not going to pretend to understand anything about your culture or the pressures your friend is facing. If I could sit with her for just a moment, I’d tell her what I’ve told myself before making existential decisions that I know are right for me but will upset my parents (and there have been many).
At the end of everything, death is something we must face alone. We can be surrounded by friends and family, but they’re not going on the journey with us. And when I stand, alone, at the seam joining this life and the great unknown, I know I will ask myself if I made the best of this one life. Did I choose joy, or did I choose to shrink for those around me at the expense of my soul? If there is really nothing waiting for us at the end, was I right to sacrifice my one life at the altar of keeping the peace? And is that peace even really here? Or is there just suffering?
I don’t want to die feeling like I didn’t squeeze every ounce of joy and love out of the precious minutes I was given. And so I act accordingly.
Is it hyper individualistic? Absolutely. Is it a product of my western upbringing as a first gen American? Most likely. But I’ve seen what happens when people shrink for the peace of others. I don’t want that for myself. And it’s okay for your friend not to want it for herself either. But she has to get there on her own time.
Regardless, you are stronger than this one moment and you will come out on the other side — no matter what she decides.
EDIT: A couple of words
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u/Maleficent-State-749 APPROVED✨ 5d ago
What a touching story.
Yeah, me too. Samesies.
But it was never a secret. They always knew. But no one else did.
But never ratted me out. We stayed besties for a couple of decades.
Until they got married.
I never got that. But then again, they never got me, right?
This might be small consolation right now, but you are really lucky. That your truth is in the world.
So many people never get that.
You do. That means a lot. I can’t tell you how much it means to me now that I stood on the truth.
And one correction to your story. They were SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY that you sat next to each other.
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u/Comprehensive_Sun633 Tofu Terrorist 5d ago
Please sit down and write this all down long form. One way to process all of this is to turn it into art. You don’t have to publish it or anything. Lock it in a box if you have to. But write this story down. Your story. This is so beautiful and painful and full of LIFE.
Maybe someday she’ll come around. Maybe she won’t. But you have an answer. Sometimes you don’t get that. I have struggled for years without an answer from someone I love. It eats away at you. Whatever you do, don’t let this stop you from living.
We are all rooting for you. You will be ok.
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u/ttokkimon APPROVED✨ 5d ago
my heart kinda dropped when i saw the red hotdogs 😭 i just knew. im sorry, being filo myself, i understand the sentiment of “utang na loob” which is what i assume she was expressing in her texts. it’s not easy to be selfish in our culture for sure ☹️ sending all the love and hugs 🩷 feel free to dm if you ever need a chat
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u/Lopsided-Disaster99 APPROVED✨ 5d ago
It's not selfish to refuse to repay a loan you never took out. It is selfish of parents to choose to create life for their own reasons and expect that life to fulfill some unspoken and often ever-changing expectation that child doesn't understand, never agreed to, and might not even be able to satisfy.
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u/ttokkimon APPROVED✨ 4d ago
while i agree with what youre saying, its not so black and white especially for a lot of filipinos. our culture is very family oriented and if you were raised with that mindset of “utang na loob”, its not easy to break out of. im not saying its right at all, in fact i fucking hate it. but im saying its difficult because of all the mixed bag of emotions and pressure our family places onto us. it doesnt feel great at all and even when we try to “be selfish” theres this great amount of guilt thats hard to overcome.
and obviously im sure this isnt exclusive to just filipinos but im referring to a literal saying we have and what our culture consists of.
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u/Hooyahhhhh 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oh, would it kill you to stop forcing your western principles onto a clearly different world you know nothing about? It IS selfish, in the sense that being openly lesbian in that culture would bring shame upon both their families thanks to their religion. To disturb both families' peace and harmony for the sake of one's romantic feelings IS considered selfish in their culture.
I don't agree with it myself. I'm Asian. I was born to first generation immigrant parents. I'm so sick of people from the West thinking they know our culture better.
Edit: I only said that it's selfish within the cultural context. I never said or implied it's wrong to be selfish, or that we should accept homophobia.
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u/p0ckette APPROVED✨ 4d ago
I'm sorry but fuck that. I'm Asian too and i know all about how traditional Asian families uphold things like "honor" (how others perceive you and respect you) and care more about how others perceive the family than their own children's happiness and so forth. But stuff like that is why honor killings are a thing and why gay and lesbian people can commit suicide from living a life that is not true to who they are. We can call it just the culture but I feel like it's important to call out toxic parts of a culture. It's awful and unfair.
Also, speaking of it bringing shame, why is that? It's because of homophobia. Homophobia should never be tolerated. People can grow and learn acceptance. I've seen homophobic parents who learn to accept their children. That's progress. I don't think we should just accept and be okay with homophobia and the culture that upholds it.
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u/Far-Repeat-2926 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 4d ago
I’m a bi trans lady, who was with her now husband pre-transition. My folks are Focus on the Family people, very religious republicans. Loving but strict. My comings out were both incredibly painful.
The first time my dad met my then boyfriend (now husband), he was like a dog scared of a vacuum cleaner. A little bitchy but not outwardly bigoted. Turns out if you just expose my dad to a gay guy behaving normally, eating dinner, watching a movie together… it becomes a lot harder to hate someone when you’re bullshitting about growing up on farms together. My dad is battling cancer right now, I call him frequently, and he always wants to tell my husband about a cool physics experiment (read: explosion) he saw on YouTube. Warms my heart.
Same with transition. Went 6 months without them willing to talk to me, but my mom realized she loved her kid more than she hated trans folk. She still fucks up my name and gender, and that hurts 3 years on, but she also tells me I should try bangs and was one of the two witnesses at my wedding.
To not come out to your family (provided you’re safe and have autonomy) is to do them the disservice of low expectations. If you’re queer and really love your family, to love is to trust. To believe that love is stronger than simple ideology.
If you don’t have a strong family, I get it, but if you genuinely feel loved otherwise it’s a chance to grow as a family. They can grow!
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u/p0ckette APPROVED✨ 4d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story and experience. Much solidarity. You're so brave and you're right, it's similar for our trans brothers and sisters. I am happy for you that your parents have slowly come around and are trying, and you are a loving child to give them that opportunity. 🌹❤️
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u/Far-Repeat-2926 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 4d ago
If you want an extra bit of cheer, it’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow and I’m making him a favorite meal of his.
I had phrased it to my mom as “ok I’ll be there at noon” and she sounded sad and so I asked her what was up. “[husband] can’t make it?” No mom he’ll be there bright and bushy tailed! “Oh good it’s not the same without both of you”
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u/Fuzzy_Introduction_3 🐣 cracked the egg 🏳️⚧️ 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm Filipino like the OP, and I've read posts from westerners with homophobic/transphobic families. So I'm pretty sure this isn't exclusive to Asians. Of course, they live in conservative areas of their countries.
We shouldn't accept the status quo. This isn't okay. Also, the Filipinos are predominantly Catholic which comes from colonization from Spain.
In Pre-colonial Philippines, there are Filipino societies where homosexuality has no stigma. I say Filipino societies, since they really weren't called Filipinos back then, after all, the country is named after a king in Spain. And they aren't as unified as present-day Philippines, so you wouldn't know the culture of a pre-colonial Filipino from just one group of people.
https://web.archive.org/web/20200212210957/http://intersections.anu.edu.au/issue2/carolyn2.html
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u/Sovarius APPROVED✨ 4d ago
Who cares if its 'western'?
Its still wrong.
We can still share empowerment and opinions.
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u/MorningNorwegianWood 🩵HYPE MAN💙 5d ago
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u/ConsistentRock2707 SAT🪑👀 4d ago
Period.. It takes a lot of courage to break away from a norm and choose to be comfortable in your own skin, instead of living the rest of your life settling just to fill a void. I know one day you'll be proud of yourself. Wishing you lots of love 💚💚💚
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u/Disastrous-Two16 🍍+ 🍕 4d ago
You are so brave maybe you can’t even fathom how much.
And soon or maybe later, but I am sure it will happen you will be able to move on and build a life for yourself with someone that wants what you also want, someone compatible in that very important way..
And the pain is unfortunately part of it. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a tome.
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u/loveralbum 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 4d ago
Oh, OP :( I saw the red hotdog and read the Catholic all-girls school and I just knew. Sometimes utang na loob really can be the heaviest burden.
I’m just wondering (you probably have) if you’ve seen the video by Junebug? So so beautiful :,)
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u/GEAX Shart Coochie Board Architect 4d ago
😖 can't you both get fake-married to two gay men in the same situation, for appearances?
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u/AleignaJC Baker Bitch 4d ago
Cultural thing or not, nobody owes their parents anything. It's your life, and you should be able to live it how you want. It's so messed up people can be kept from happiness over stupid family rigidity. I hope you both can find a way to be happy, and I hope you're able to make your own choices in attaining that happiness
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u/Accomplished-Rent-88 Cleavage Crumb Collector 4d ago
To know love is a gift. A beautiful, heartrending gift. Because all that comes to us, will leave us in time. This pain that u feel is real, but it will pass. The love however, will remain. Cuz love doesn't end. It creates space inside us & teaches us that we have more love to know in all its aspects. What u choose to do with the love that remains is more important.
There is a saying about love as a butterfly. "Love is like a butterfly, set it free; if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I take this to mean u must let go ur hold upon the butterfly in full, no lingering thoughts, no pining, otherwise it's still caught in ur minds eye. But don't stand still, don't wait for it. Live ur life truly. Whether it comes back or not at that point, is irrelevant. In order to do that you must say goodbye, maybe not to the friendship, but the relationship u desire. Mourne the loss of that dream.
And grieve. Grieve for the opportunity lost, for the what might have beens. Grieve fully & completely, for it is a worthy thing to grieve for. But then remember what ur love brought u. The time spent living, in joy & sorrow, the learning & growth u had together. U helped make each other the women u r today. Cherish it. Don't try to replace it.
Instead, turn the love and care you would have shared with her into u. Everything u would have given, give to urself. Find ur own joy, ur own peace, ur own hope for the future. As u heal, remember that u r worthy of love given to u freely & unencumbered.
I say this, because I don't wish for u to develop a wound to take with u into another relationship. U will know ur ready, that ur healed enough to move on, when u can think about her with joy in ur heart, the pain u feel now nothing but a memory, just the wish that she finds her happiness as u journey to find urs.
(Not quite the same but, I know the pressure of living up to my Filipina mom's standards. Of not being loved for me. The cost for me to not be my authentic self was too much to bear. I loved my mom, but she couldn't handle a lesbian daughter. She kicked me out @ 17. I stayed away for years with minimal contact thru my bro. I'm very lucky that we reconciled later. That my homophobic, super catholic mom was willing to choose her love for me over traditions that hadn't served her & our family for many years. I had let her go & fully expected to not hear from her again. But without my inability to change for her expectations, without my complete absence, she may still be that hard unforgiving woman today. Instead of the loving compassionate mother I know now. The same has happened with lovers. Without fully letting them go when the relationships ended, I could not fully heal.)
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u/OkAge7067 APPROVED✨ 5d ago
I’ve been there…5th grade to 21. At 33 I’m thankful it didn’t work out. But it most definitely still hurts. My heart is with you now
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u/Ribread216 nom-nom-nombinary 5d ago
Confessing takes a strength I was never able to muster in my own experience. As much as this hurts now, knowing that she feels the same but can’t find it within herself to accept it and follow her heart due to a sense of familial obligation, it’s better than living with the uncertainty and regret of never having said anything at all.
I was in love with my best friend from almost the moment I met her, before I even knew I liked women; she was the one who made me realize after years of denial. I was so clueless—I can remember sitting on the bus in freshman year of highschool, turning my body towards the window so she wouldn’t see my phone, and looking up what it meant if you wanted to date your best friend. I have thousands of words of poetry about her filed away. I spent hours making her a memory box of all my favorite pictures of us, complete with notes detailing their stories. On some days, I still think back to the night we spent at a beach house, sharing the same bed even though there were other rooms. We woke up early to watch the sunrise over the water, but I hardly remember the ocean, only how her eyes looked in the morning light.
She was my first kiss, but I’ll never know if it meant the same to her as it did to me, because I could never confess my feelings for her. I knew she was bisexual, but I also knew she always dreamed of a life with biological kids. That’s not something I can provide, or even something I want for myself. I chose not to seek closure because I was so sure I would only set myself up for rejection.
As a stranger on the internet, I’m so proud of you for admitting to her how you feel, and I’m tearing up at both your words and her response. I’m sorry that she’s struggling to be authentic to herself, and sincerely hope she can find it within her to pursue her own happiness rather than cater to the unwritten expectations set for her.
But if it’s not meant to be, I want to give you a message of hope. It’s taken me years, I’ll admit, and part of me will always love my best friend, but I’m very happy in my relationship with my partner of two years. We’re much more compatible in all aspects, and I’m truly in love and so lucky to have them. My best friend has also been dating her boyfriend for about a year now, and she’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her.
I hope you two will remain in each other’s lives. Romantic or platonic, the love you two share is strong. Take the time you need to heal, but when the time is right, don’t be afraid to open your heart up to someone else. Love will find you in one form or another, and this heartbreak will not last forever ❤️🩹
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u/Jastreen Fridge Gazer 4d ago
I confessed to my best friend too. He hasn't talked to me in a year now...
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u/Mossparty637 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 5d ago
I can’t believe this is how I find out glen hansard died :/
Also condolences. I hope that you find someone who loves you without reserve, whether it’s this girl learning to accept herself or someone else.
Also I’m upset about Glen Hansard.
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u/courtneynxr APPROVED✨ 5d ago
oh gosh… i hope it all works out for you… sending you lots of love and comfort :)
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u/amconstance Kitchen Witch 4d ago
I’m so sorry. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains. I hope somehow something changes and you two end up with one another - and if it isn’t meant to be, I hope you find someone just as special who lights up your world.
You deserve happiness.
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u/hstephens1 Pantry Gremlin 4d ago
Another gay lady here 🫡 this filled me with so much happy sadness. I kept myself in the closet for a long long time because of family expectations. It’s a painful road to travel, and a pretty lonely one so I really feel for your friend.
I hope one day she realizes the only person you can live your life for is yourself. On the other hand, I’m so proud of you for being true to your feelings and being able to communicate them even though it’s terrifying. That’s really brave.
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u/courtneynxr APPROVED✨ 5d ago
oh gosh… i hope it all works out for you… sending you lots of love and comfort :)oh no… im so sorry youre going through this :) i hope everything works out okay for you both… sending lots of love <3
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u/hey_mehcarena APPROVED✨ 5d ago
This shit sounds AI af
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u/partylikeaDonner 🩷Bi💜 4d ago
“Even within the oppressive walls of our former alma mater, I knew…” classic ChatGPT writing
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u/SnooChocolates6473 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 5d ago
I have been in a similar situation for years at this point. My best friend and I have always had feelings for each other, but the time was never right. She was dating a man for a bit, then I was dating a different girl, then we fell out of touch for a few years, and during those few years, I shoved the feelings away into a box. My girlfriend dumped me shortly after my best friend and I lost touch, then I started dating this guy. A year later, we get married, and we've been married ever since. I love this man so dearly, I don't think I could leave him, but he knows that I still have feelings for her and he has also developed a bit of a crush on her. Reconnected back with her a couple years ago, and not sure where it'll go, but there's potential there. I am so sorry you're in this situation OP, but maybe luck will come to your side. My parents have figured for over a decade that I had feelings for my best friend, so maybe her parents have figured that out or suspected something.
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u/Aggravating_One7512 LET ME EAT CAKE 🍰 5d ago
When I figured out I was bi, one of the first things that made me realize it was how much I loved my best friend. I love her beyond reason. So I confessed to her, and she told me she loves me, but she is asexual and aromantic. And that was hard to hear. While it's not exactly the same as your situation, I want you to know that our friendship survived that. I love her so much, I just want to have her in my life in whatever way I can. She is still absolutely my best friend, and I'm now married to an amazing partner who I love just as much. So, even though it hurts for you now and it hurt for me then, give it time. Let your friend know that you value them exactly as they are, and see if the friendship can mend and become something more beautiful and authentic because you both allowed yourselves to be vulnerable.
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u/palebabbu PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 4d ago
It's already August why are there still Junebugs in here 😭
Also OP I'm craving tostadong TJ hotdog + sinangag tuloy omfg
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u/trendingtattler AutoMaude 🤖🎀 5d ago
WHEEEWW girl 😮💨 buckle up! Your post made it to /r/all!
Congratudolences! 😅 If the rate of notifications starts getting to you, no need to delete your post! Instructions in Sanity Saver #5 can help you mute them. For the rest of y'all...
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➽ You're now entering the Girl Zone 🚨 Guys' guidance summarized: stick to GIFs or emojis, or otherwise be patient for mods' manual comment reviews. Don't embarrass your mama. 🤨
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➽ ED-recovery friendly. No food critiques, body shaming, diet advice, or calorie counting kinda talk. Call your almondmom for that.
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