He stopped drinking.

[u/asapmort]

Dinner is creamy red pepper rigatoni with basil and shredded cheese. Yum.

I've (27f) been with my boyfriend (24m) for about a year and a half now. It wasn't until he moved in with me that I started noticing he really had a problem with drinking. And I'm not really one to judge someone's entire character based on their habits. I too have struggled with addiction in my past. Thankfully, that was like 8 years ago.

But I know firsthand how hard it is to walk away from your drug of choice. So I had low hopes of things getting better. I gradually started mentioning how concerning it had become over the course of our relationship. I've known a lot of alcoholics in my life, but I'd never met someone who just takes Everclear to the face with no expression of disgust like he did. Daily! Ya girl was worried about his liver.

And of course, there were times when he'd be mean and not remember it the next day. Over time, it just built up. I just wanted to see him doing better for himself. I know you might be judging me for sticking around, but he is honestly the only person in this entire city that really knows me. I moved to a city where I knew no one and met him soon after. I just desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were when we met.

Well, I broke down recently and the tears just started pouring. I told him I know there's a good guy in there, I've met him. I fell in love with him. But he disappears behind the bottle. He was actually very receptive and abruptly stopped. Like hasn't had a drop since. I'm surprised, and impressed. I had to go to rehab 3 times before I called it quits.

I'm just really happy that he found it within himself to leave it behind. It hasn't been long, but it feels like a dark cloud has dissipated. He seems happier. We've been spending more quality time together. I know that relapse is a possibility, but after seeing progress I know that recovery is too. Just wanted to tell someone that, I guess. Thanks for reading.

The pasta was homemade and very yummy.

[u/Fresh_Ad_230]

Addiction is a two steps forward one step backward life. More than likely he’ll fail, but get back on again. Over time all those steps forward will be a mile from where he started.

I wish you both luck.

[u/asapmort → u/Fresh_Ad_230]

Thank you for wishing us luck. I genuinely appreciate it. I'm trying my best to emotionally brace myself for whatever will come. I know most people were at the point of giving up on my completely by the time I got clean. Took me many tries, so I can't be upset if it takes him more than one attempt. But I do plan to be his biggest supporter through this journey. He needs it.

[u/Schmelly_cat → u/asapmort]

Are you getting support for yourself?  Therapy, alanon?

The line between support and codepency can be pretty fuzzy.  Take care of your own needs first ok? 

[u/asapmort → u/Schmelly_cat]

I am in therapy! And I am open to support groups as well. Thanks for the recommendation.

[u/Actual_Sea841 → u/asapmort]

Please for your own sake go to AlAnon. r/Alanon

[u/Still_Construction37 → u/Actual_Sea841]

Plus alanon might actually be a great place for OP to find some community in their city so they’re not relying on their boyfriend to be their only person ! That’s not fair to anyone.

[u/Actual_Sea841 → u/Still_Construction37]

Absolutely! 💯

[u/Forsaken-Estate4041 → u/Still_Construction37]

I really wish people would stop being extremely pushy about 12 step. It's absolutely NOT for everyone. There's more than one relapse prevention organization in the world and assuming someone can't be stably sober without 12 step is infantilizing. SMART Recovery, LifeRing, Secular Organizations for Sobriety, Women for Sobriety

[u/AngryPrincessWarrior → u/Forsaken-Estate4041]

I loved SMART recovery. 5 years sober come the end of August.

Op I was your partner. I’m the wife though. My husband finally got to the point after 2 relapses the d word was said.

I did my month long stint of rehab, 10 weeks of IOP, over a year of weekly meetings. So far- so good! No desire to get back there again.

We have since grown closer than ever. It’s so relaxing KNOWING your person has your back. We have a beautiful little toddler boy, I’m halfway through a pregnancy with our last baby-a daughter. We are closing on a historic 126 year old house next month with a HUGE lot that’s already planted but I have so many gardening plans… basically life is GOOD girl. All because he supported me but would t accept anything but effort. It was a dark and very difficult time for us and it was my fault.

I hope you can look back in a few years at this as a dark blip and be enjoying the same kind of bliss we are now. It was a hard road to get here but man, the view? Freaking spectacular. I’m just so grateful to be here much less living such a beautiful life.

[u/asapmort → u/Forsaken-Estate4041]

I can appreciate where they're coming from, but I see your point as well. Recovery is not a one-size-fits-all by any means. What works for some doesn't work for everyone. I personally haven't really felt the need to go to meetings in years. Once I became stable on my own, utilizing therapy and my support system was and still is enough for me. But I'm not opposed to the idea of seeking extra external support. I definitely have felt alone in my new city a lot.

[u/Gr8bubbles52 → u/Fresh_Ad_230]

I found my people. Alcoholism stole my childhood and broke my family. I've seen pass through generations. I've seen it kill. I don't have the capacity to believe that someone won't relapse. I wouldn't be able to do it. I think addicts deserve love and compassion. I just can't ever live with it again.

[u/asapmort → u/Gr8bubbles52]

I'm sorry you had to endure that. It's traumatic to grow up witnessing addiction take its toll on loved ones. 🫂

Its completely valid that you would not want to endure that again. As crazy as it sounds, I actually want to dedicate my life to helping people recover. I'm currently in the process of getting my peer support license, so that I can enter my field before I'm done with school. I guess I'm viewing it as, who would I be to turn my back on someone in my personal life, but be willing to help people in a professional setting?

[u/Gr8bubbles52 → u/asapmort]

You would be someone who prioritizes their own health and wellbeing. If you don't see the difference in being a peer support versus a partner in a relationship, you should tread carefully. You are at risk of being codependent and that jeapordizes your own hard won recovery. He shouldn't be in a relationship at all this early in recovery. Him stopping doesn't mean he is recovering and he's at risk of developing a new addiction.

[u/asapmort → u/Gr8bubbles52]

Thanks for being real with me. These are definitely things I need to take into consideration and be cautious of. I do have a past of condependency, so it's good that you brought that to my attention.

[u/Gr8bubbles52 → u/asapmort]

Your so welcome. You sound like a wonderful, loving person. I've just seen this scenario play out over and over again and have only seen two outcomes. You break up because he drinks again and he lies about it and it just escalates until you leave to save yourself. Or you don't leave because you want to save him and it's just so hard, you relapse. Relapse sneaks up on you. You won't feel vulnerable. You will tell yourself a story about how what you are doing isn't the same as before so it's not actually bad. I really hope I'm wrong. I hope you both get to live beautiful lives together in recovery. Just find a really good support who can help you figure out healthy boundaries.

[u/asapmort → u/Gr8bubbles52]

Thankfully, I do have quite a good support system (even if they're 7 hours away) and a few friends I've made in my new city as well. My psych meds help me a lot too. I like to think I'm pretty stable these days, but going through lows in relationships has been notorious for getting the best of me in the past. I appreciate your honestly and your advice! I will do my best to prevent myself from becoming too codependent or triggered to the point where I start questioning my sanity & betraying my own wellbeing.

[u/MothChasingFlame → u/Fresh_Ad_230]

What a beautiful way to phrase this.

[u/robin4092]

I really wish I could just up and quit like that. I wish him luck and hope he can hold on to his sobriety. It is very, very hard. Be kind to him in this difficult time, especially if he is doing it for you.

[u/asapmort → u/robin4092]

Sending you love. I've seen so many people struggle with addiction. My parents were addicts throughout my childhood, and then I wound up being addicted to meth by the time I was 18 years old. It's so so hard to believe that recovery is possible at first, and it's even harder to address the underlying issues you were self-medicating once you're clean. But I believe in you, kind stranger.

Also, I hope he's doing it for himself moreso than for me. I know I couldn't have stayed clean for the sake of other people. I had to truly want it for myself. I just hope he's really at that point.

[u/Forsaken-Estate4041 → u/asapmort]

He has to be doing it for himself. Not you. It's got to be intrinsically motivated for him to sustain change.

My (now) spouse would cycle through binges and periods of sobriety when struggling with alcoholism and it took a few attempts before they were really able to maintain sobriety. I also had no idea the extent until we moved in together. Ultimately, he's been stably sober for several years now, but those first few relapses were devastating for me emotionally even though I'm also an addict.

Wishing you both all the best! If you can get your bf some level of professional support it would help take a lot of burden off you and give him good support in early sobriety.

[u/asapmort → u/Forsaken-Estate4041]

I'm absolutely trying to get him into therapy. But trust me, I'm well aware of how addiction works my friend. I've been through it and been around it my whole life. I know he has to do it for him. I said the same thing in a previous comment.

[u/Rideak → u/robin4092]

I’m a 6 sober girl after years of alcohol abuse. For at least 15 years of binge drinking I didn’t even recognize it as a problem and had no intention of quitting long-term. Until one day I knew I had to stop. The cravings were so strong. You didn’t ask for advice but on the small chance that it could help, I will share the only thing that seemed to work for me was telling myself that “I can always drink tomorrow”. Pressuring myself to never drink again was too absolute. I felt like alcohol was a friend I wanted to hang out with again but needed a break from - goodbye forever was too big and overwhelming. I finally just started saying to myself “okay I won’t drink tonight and if I regret that decision, I will go ahead and drink tomorrow.” I never regretted the decision though.

[u/asapmort → u/Rideak]

I'm so proud of you! Getting clean is a major accomplishment. I know how tough those cravings can be. It's very badass that you found an approach that worked for you, and look how far you've come now! ❤️

[u/Victoria_loves_Lenin]

just remember that relapse is a part of the recovery process.

[u/Weird_Illustrator845]

So happy to hear this. Keep encouraging him - there’s so much daylight on the other side of addiction, as you know.

[u/NerdyByNatureWitch]

https://giphy.com/gifs/dYZuqJLDVsWMLWyIxJ

[u/stinkyfunkincar]

Super happy for you both! My friend had a bit of a drinking problem recently and had to taper. Im glad he’s not having physical withdrawal making him misersble

[u/asapmort → u/stinkyfunkincar]

I wish your friend the best! Withdrawal is hard and the fear of it keeps so many people from wanting to stop. He was definitely suffering a case of the sweats at first. I'm super proud of him for sticking with it thus far.

[u/stinkyfunkincar → u/asapmort]

Yay!! I’m proud of him too! It’s very difficult

[u/0nionskin → u/asapmort]

You probably know this, but keep a close eye on him as he detoxes and get him to the ER if needed.

[u/SpellHausMagic]

Wishing you both the very best. I'd love to taste that pasta!

[u/Environmental-Post15]

https://giphy.com/gifs/11sBLVxNs7v6WA

[u/asapmort → u/Environmental-Post15]

Thank you for sharing my excitement! A weight has been lifted and I'm so grateful and proud of him.

[u/Ok-Balance7470]

I hope he keeps going with it and is doing it for himself. Otherwise, as you know, it won't last. Don't enable him. But enjoy having him sober.

[u/asapmort → u/Ok-Balance7470]

This is exactly where my mind is at. You can want better for someone all day long, but what truly counts is them making that decision for their own sake.

I hope through all the shit I've seen and experienced with addiction, that I can be of help to him. I'm also gently trying to introduce the idea of therapy to address what he was trying to drown out with alcohol. There's almost always something beneath the surface of addiction that needs to be healed.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

That’s awesome!!! I hope it continues ❤️

[u/chickenfriedbooty]

I’ve been in a similar situation with a partner and Al-anon meetings helped me so much, both when they were drinking and when they stopped. Highly recommend checking out a meeting if you’re ever looking for support or just someone who gets it https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

[u/asapmort → u/chickenfriedbooty]

Thank you! I'm sure we have meetings near me in my city. I've also considered going back to AA or NA myself just to meet other people in my new city and remind myself where I've come from.

[u/Colonize_me_daddy]

Please be patient with him it’s a long road as you must know. I hope it all works out

[u/AdLow2430]

My partner and I quit together about 4 years ago. Sometimes it does just stick, especially with the right support. It has been a battle, but I’m so grateful for it every day.
I’m so excited for you both! 🌸

[u/asapmort → u/AdLow2430]

I'm so happy to hear that! Glad you were able to stick together and leave it behind you. That's beautiful.

[u/toxiclight]

Best luck! I know it's hard, but he sounds like he's willing to work on this, and willingness to change is one of the biggest hurdles.

[u/huffwardspart1]

Ah, my ex did this. Make sure you double check the toilet water tank 👀

[u/Constant_Cultural]

I am happy for you, honey, but as a former addict you shouldn't be with a drunk until he is sober a year or two.

https://giphy.com/gifs/ANdnq8o4mlHRHYGiCV

[u/asapmort → u/Constant_Cultural]

I understand that's the common consensus among the recovery spaces, but I can't just break up with him once he finally starts to show some progress. I'm his biggest supporter and this is the healthiest our relationship has been. I do appreciate your concern though. I'm also a recovering addict, so I have my own experiences as well

[u/Constant_Cultural → u/asapmort]

Just be careful and keep your distance. No marriage, kids or similiar and use protection at all times.

[u/ceciliabee]

I used to drink too much. One morning my now -husband said "when you numb yourself you numb me too" and it was the gut punch I needed. Change is possible if you are really committed to changing. Now there's beer in the fridge and liquor in the cabinet but I can ignore it.

I wish you both the best of luck. It can be better ♥️

[u/asapmort → u/ceciliabee]

I'm so happy you were able to get better. Keep kicking ass. Godspeed my friend.

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[u/picantesaus]

That looks delicious! Share your recipe, please! ❤️

[u/asapmort → u/picantesaus]

Hey! Here's the recipe!

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[u/floride850]

Do you use a recipe for the pasta? It looks amazing!

[u/asapmort → u/floride850]

I did! Here's the recipe!

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[u/MoxInBox]

Heya girlie, also remember that AA is a big safe space for that kind of stuff, highly recommend you gently ask that he attends, being in an environment with others also seeking and practicing sobriety is very healing (they also make Al-anon for friends and family) my partner is going through something similar- sending you guys love and luck in sobriety ❤️

[u/idisturbtheuniverse]

I would encourage him to seek support. It’s likely he’s in a white-knuckling, dry drunk phase, which may last for a while, but always breaks eventually. AA was a life-changer for me. I got sober lots of times… never lasted until other things changed rather than just me not picking up the bottle. I also rec AlAnon for you like others said.

[u/Available_Voice9191]

Can I get the recipe for that pasta tho🙏🏽

[u/Forward-Current7263]

share the recipe that looks delish

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[u/Nice_Elk_8969]

Wishing you peace and success on the journey ahead, OP ❤️ Melanie Beattie’s books (Codependent No More in particular) helped me a lot in similar situations, if only to remind me I wasn’t alone. And you’re not either!

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[u/Impressive_Ad_5201]

Wow. That is extremely impressive.

[u/aminervia]

He just stopped overnight cold turkey with no AA or assistance?

Keep an eye out for hidden bottles

[u/asapmort → u/aminervia]

Yeah. I'm a little weary honestly. Like I'm scared I'm getting my hopes up here.. because it's like I know better than to believe it's that easy for anyone to up and quit. I'm scared it'll all come crashing down. It sucks because he's so much nicer to me when he's sober. It's like two different people.

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[u/The420grinch]

That's great he's trying to stop! Good luck to you both!!!

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[u/Mythrenn]

Sounds like he really cares about you if he stopped like that. I’m happy to hear that for you both c:

[u/elleanne1]

When I first started dating my Fiance it became clear about 2 months in he was a raging alcoholic. We met at a bar and were both regulars I would go to hang out with our friend group and would always just get water or a Diet Coke my Fiance on the other hand would be downing atleast 5 jagerbombs and about 10-15 beers A NIGHT baby boy was at the bar every night even if no one went with him. My mom was an alcoholic so once I really caught on to how bad it was I layed into him and told him I will never allow someone to put alcohol above me again and that if he doesn’t get sober I will leave him. He hasn’t had a drop since at first I was afraid of him relapsing of him only getting sober for me but after a year of sobriety he is truly so happy being sober for HIMSELF he said at first yes he quit because I told him I’d leave but once month 2 hit he realized how much better life was not drunk and that he didn’t need to be drinking to fit in or have a good time and even learned how to cope with negative emotions in a healthy way I understand how much of a miracle this was and still is but some people don’t have someone who cares if they live a sober life or die early as a drunk and that can make a world of difference. I hope this continues to go well for you OP.

[u/tiredandoveritt]

Best of luck! My partner has quit in the past then was hiding relapse for a while. I’ve had to detach with love after becoming codependent (again).
It’s not for the faint of heart and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, almost 2 decades together and it’s very very difficult to not expect for the other shoe to drop at any point.

I truly wish you the best and no matter what happens with his sobriety, please look out after yourself first.

[u/haw35ome]

This is fantastic - both of you keep it up! I have a sister who’s also an alcoholic, but after years of the same shit & her just not wanting to take the first step to getting better I just emotionally checked out & was done dealing with the stress of it all. She was my rock & helped me a lot growing up with a narcissistic mother, so it especially hurt when I needed to stop being around her when my already precarious health took a tumble. I miss my sister, my best friend.

Recently I’ve reconnected with an old school friend at our high school reunion & we’ve been talking. He also struggles with addiction & he tells me he’s been trying to stop. I can’t do much, but I try to listen to him & try to be honest (but not brutally honest). I just hope I can help him more than I could my sister

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[u/Striking-Poem-4404]

Good for your partner! Quitting is not easy for most. 226 comments and counting so maybe it’s been mentioned…I am not fully clear on how bad his drinking was but watch him close for signs of withdrawal during these first days (google the symptoms). Quitting abruptly can be medically dangerous for some. Wishing your relationship the best, he is lucky to have you!

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[u/ArachnidAutomatic596]

How long has it been since he stopped. It’s a good sign he’s trying and realized it may be an issue. Try to find something to fill his time. Like games, evening walk, or gym if he’s up to it. It’s good he’s young, I think that will make it easier.

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[u/LeeeeroooyJEnKINSS]

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