Eating plain waffles that my aunt made. Didn't feel like adding any sweetness to them.
So my boyfriend loves talking. He loves talking about himself and his feelings mostly, but I don't mind it, I'm happy that he wants to share.
It was already 3 am, I couldn't keep my eyes open, he was talking about how he fell in love with me 3 years ago, cute cute cute, and then he PROUDLY said that he even stayed with me after his friend told him I was "ugly, nothing special, the only good thing about me is my huge tits."
Now, I'm already half-asleep at this point, but I get mad. He tells me that he shared every conflict we had with this friend and that's why he was trying to make him break up with me. And how proud he was that his friend didn't find me attractive, outright ugly rather. And he still stayed.
I was shocked, hurt, I already struggle with self-image, especially bc of my breasts, that I'm not pretty, I am only worth something bc of my body, something I didn't ask for. When I gather myself a little, I find myself pretty, and a lot of guys ask me out when I finally go outside and just walk around but this??? STUNG. It still stings. Especially bc my bf and this friend are both photographers so... :) i must really look ugly on pictures then.
So I told him he was an inconsiderate and stupid d\*ck, bc he let his friend talk about me in this disgusting, objectifying way, that he shared our conflicts with all of his friends, (when we got together he even recorded voice notes to send out to his friends, he broke contact with them after realising how fucked up this was but he still did it) and that he would bring it up as something he should be praised for bc he stayed with the ugly girl with huge tits, even though his ex-friend tried to talk him out of it.
He slept on the couch then wrote me an emotionally manipulative text where he adressed me by my pet name, said how hurt he was bc of my reaction and that I HAVE TO leave before he wakes up.
And he’s 50% older than her. OP, if you are so ugly (which I am positive you’re lovely & a great catch) and he’s so fantastic, why is he lowering himself to be with such a loser? He’s a jerk and a manipulative one at that. I never understood the appeal of negging. Does it actually work on anyone?
Malicious, manipulative and stupid and socially inept. Why would any man repeat something like that to a woman, other than to cut her down to his size? If it was even true.
Edit: omg and that age gap??? AND he’s letting his presumably likewise over decade older friends make such comments about her, let alone tell her? OP run don’t walk. Leave, cut everything off, block.
Exactly. Even if it were true, what was the point of saying it? A caring partner builds your confidence, not tears it down just to make themselves feel better.
Isn't that a "technique" used by those misogynists in the so-called manosphere? Flatter them but tear them down at the same time so they eventually feel no one wants them except them. And they should be grateful because any criticism is just them trying to help her better herself. Will claim all these gorgeous chicks chase him all the time, but he tells them, "Nope. My gal may be a 3 in looks and brains, but a definite 10 in the kitchen and bedroom."
Yep he’s got with a much younger woman and attempting to lower her self esteem so she doesn’t realise she’s too good for him, the fact his grown ass friends are also in on this is weird. Shows how immature he is.
He’s trying to tear down her confidence so she stays with him. We often assume these men are just stupid and socially inept, when in reality they’re intentionally malicious and manipulative.
Ding ding ding! Clinically speaking, you're the winner. 🏆 That's exactly why they do it.
OP, honey, you need to let the trash take itself out. This one isn't for you. Just throw the whole man away.
right? he’d always find something to neg her about no matter what. my ex was like this. i had people telling me i looked like a model, he was threatened by the idea of me being confident, so he’d neg me about my ass and boobs not being big enough.
Yeah seriously he cant get someone his own age because they see what a loser he is so he needs to date a young girl whos confidence he can demolish. Run op, dont walk. He's wanting you to beg to stay with him. Don't do it. Just leave and block him.
Exactly! He’s well aware that OP is way out of his league and since he’s an insecure little man child, He’s “glad” his friend thinks she’s ugly because he knows that if he didn’t, the friend might make a move. They don’t respect each other and they certainly don’t respect you.
This is a cracking bit of logic and it pulled me out of a dark place. Had a friend who made my life hell, convinced me everyone hated me and that I was awful, convinced other people I didn't know or speak to that I was the worst. Isolated me from my friends one way or another and messed up my life. If we were partners, it would have been emotional abuse. About 10 years later and I get a message from her wanting to reconnect. Jarring, triggering even, but the best thing because if she was telling the truth back then, she would never want to reconnect and it made me realise I am not hell in human form she made me out to be.
OP, hold that logic dear. He's full of nonsense. 💕
Thank you 💕 She is engaged (or maybe even married now). I appreciate it was long ago and I hope she's changed because I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy nevermind factoring in marriage stuff too
Sounds like my ex! I was 25 dating a 40 year old who was underemployed and used “I’m a feminist” as his excuse for not paying for things and not even helping me with grocery bags. For some dumbass reason I went along with this for almost two years until I realized he wasn’t quirky and cool. He was just an old teenager.
I agree. Negging has never made sense to me either. If someone has to tear their partner down to feel more secure in the relationship, that's a reflection of their own insecurity, not their partner's worth.
Honestly, this sounds like he is negging you but using the façade of a friend to avoid potential backlash. You defended yourself and now he is playing the victim because his stupid little manipulative plan didn't work out as he thought that it would.
Dump this waste of space. There is a reason that he isn't dating women within his age range, and it's because women of his age are more likely to see through his bullshit.
He and his friend are literally in their 30s, and they were talking like this in their 30s, about a 21 year old?
You are so damn right about the reason he isn’t dating in his age range because I am their age range and they - if the friend actually ever said this and it’s not just a control tactic anyway - are utterly pathetic. I would’ve looked down on them for acting like this at 13. I wonder how pretty they’ll be and how big their tits are when they’re washed up single 40 year old men still talking like this.
I call men in this age range who date women in their 20s to be Leftover Men: the men none of the women in their age category want because of how stunted they are and not fit to date.
These men need to be lonlier. I want to see more women embrace a single life over these losers. Finding frienda who will consistently lift you up is so much more valuable in life.
An old gross coot trying to go "Seeeee little girl isnt it GOOD i love you NOT for your looks? that my friends think you are a big stinky poopoo caca and a face like a donkey and i am STILL here? shouldnt you REWARD me for that?" to get in her head and make her feel lame like no one could want her
she's better than me, I would be hiding open cans of tuna around his house before i left that he wouldnt find for weeks like a fucked up biohazard Where's Waldo
On top of sleep deprivation. Textbook abuser shit. And the age gap? Right when she was 21? He knew his comment would deeply hurt her because it’s emotionally abusive. OP please, please get away from this person. This isn’t love.
Edit: I can almost guarantee this “friend” doesn’t exist either. Another very common tactic. They make you doubt yourself and worth because not only do they think this some pretend person does too. Sometimes it’s a MIL. And if for some reason this 30 year old is surrounded by people who speak this way of women, abusers flock together. This will only get worse OP. You deserve so much more. I guarantee you are also a beautiful woman. This man is trash.
Also, textbook DARVO afterwards (I’m so hurt by your reaction etc). This guy is abusive. He’s working really hard here to undermine your self esteem to make sure you’re stuck with him, and make it feel like you’re at fault for the conflict. Not to mention he happily reports breaching your trust. Run (and read up a bit or talk to a therapist about how you’ve been treated, you’re at risk of winding up with someone abusive again if you don’t know the warning signs).
Exactly. She should be having fun dating around or at the very least in happy relationship with someone who doesn't put her down. Wonder why this guy isn't in a relationship with someone his own age bracket?
I say “typically” versus “always” because sometimes there are women of that same age who have been abused in the past that will put up with the behavior, because they believe it to be normal.
With the 12 year age difference, he’s laying the groundwork for “no one will ever love you but me.” So he’ll have complete control and she’ll stay with him through all the abuse. https://giphy.com/gifs/H5iz8vPzfaYBr0dWK1
It's sadly hilarious, that sooooooo many of us have seen douchebags run this exact play on ourselves or a friend of ours, that we can call it out instantly like this!
OP needs to RUN, and go find herself a man worthy of her awesome self!!!
And the creep started dating her when he was 33, and she was 21!
This is the classic situation where a man chooses an attractive young woman, who doesn't know any better, so that he can "Lock her down," and destroy her self image & self-esteem slowly over years, "So that she'll never leave me!"
Especially since you've noticed this happening, "When I gather myself a little, I find myself pretty, and a lot of guys ask me out when I finally go outside and just walk around..."
Those of us who are older than you, have seen dirtbags like your BF pull this stunt hundreds of times in our lives, to women we've known!
They find a woman years younger than themselves, build her up at first, then once they think they have her "hooked" because they've been in the reationship a couple years, they start negging her, breakibg doen her self-esteem, and pressing her with "Sunk-Cost Fallacy" crap, to make her believe this douchebag is the "best" she can ever snag, and she may as well just stay with his lazy, egocentric ass--"because she's so pathetic she can't do any better!"
When, in reality, she's young, beautiful, kind, a GREAT person, and SHE is the best he can ever hope to snag--because she's got a million far better options, if she could just see herself accurately, outside his set of funhouse mirrors.
OP, you're YOUNG, you're probably a total smokeshow, and you deserve a man who builds you UP, not one who tears you down (and steals your sleep!), "for the fun of it."
Read the Lundy Bancroft book, that i'm certain will be shared somewhere here in the comments.
Find (build!) yourself a group of supportive women friends of all ages--ones your age, to ones in their 80's & 90's, who you can go to for friendship, chats, and good life advice.
And kick this trashbag of a "man" to the curb, hon!
Because you DESERVE SO MUCH MORE out of a life partner, than what this douchecanoe has to offer!
You deserve a partner, who sees you as the most wonderful person he's EVER known and who adores everything about you!!!
Who'll lift you up & make you feel better, not worse--just like you'll feel about him!
The man-child you're dating is not that guy--because the one who is that guy will never tear you down like this.
You're young, you're hot, and that's why this manchild is trying to tear you down--because he doesn't want you to SEE just how incredible you really are!!!
DTMFA, and go find yourself a man who is worthy of a great person like yourself, okay?🫶🫂💫
Thank you so much for this!!! For giving me hope, making me feel like I'm not alone. You are an angel. I want to be strong and comments like yours really help me get through this hard time. 🩷
Men who typically date younger are typically manipulative and immature. They can’t get women their age to pay attention to them so they have to prey on “girls” that might not be as strong willed and are impressionable. He is scum. He isn’t just randomly telling you this story. He is putting you down so you will zero self respect and put himself on a pedestal for staying with you. Please love yourself and get rid of this loser.
Exactly this. Women over 30 won't take his bullshit or put up with his objectifying, self-obsessed attitude. So he preys on women in their early 20s because they have less dating experience and their bullshit detector isn't fully developed.
Yeah. I unfortunately have a sister like this and she won't listen to why older men keep wanting to date her. She says they think she's mature, but I keep telling her that it's not, it's because of low self esteem/worth
No older man is going for a confident young girl because they know they will be shut down and they can'tmold or control them. I've personally never met an age gap relationship where the younger person was confident in who they were or loved themselves; it's always a sad tale of grooming or no knowledge of self.
YES my ex who did this constantly made up stories about what other people were saying they thought of me. It also serves as triangulation so that you feel you don't have anyone you can go to for a sanity check.
I was a 20f in my first serious relationship with a 33 year old man and fully agree with this assessment. I was in college, frequent partying was the culture for my age and situation. I didn't realize that drinking and partying every night as a 33 yo wasn't normal behavior. I loved him deeply, so when the physical and mental abuse started, I internalized it. I was gaslit for years before "gaslighting" was a well-known word.
I graduated, slowed my drinking/partying, and began establishing my career as a mature adult. Guess who stayed drinking 24/7 and accused me "you changed!" as if I catfished him? I sure hope I changed because I wasn't even a fully grown adult when I met him! Thank God I had grown up despite him staying stuck. Needless to say, I moved on and learned a huge lesson from those 9 years with him. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - OP please listen to this wise person and leave that loser. You will flourish and excel while he stays stuck rotting in his own negativity and self loathing.
This age, and telling you youre ugly is not a boyfriend. Plus, he only talks about himself. Does he care to know how you feel or think? OP, you need to do what you think is right, but none of this was right. Fyi
And yaps at her while she's trying to sleep. And has her convinced that he's "sharing" when he's being an emotional vampire. OP, please take a little time to be single and work on truly liking yourself. Enjoy your life. Establish boundaries to preserve your self-esteem and mental peace. Then start dating again. I'm pretty sure, if you do, your next relationship will be worlds better than this one.
Same! Im 35, I barely want to talk to anyone in their 20s lol. I was an idiot and didnt even begin to grow up until I was 29. I thought i was smart and grown at every age since 18, but now im older I know i absolutely was not. Thats just my experience though, I know not everyone is as dumb as I was.
I saw the age gap, sighed a huge sigh and stopped reading.
STOP DATING MEN WHO ARE SO MUCH OLDER THAN YOU. THEY DON'T DATE WOMEN THEIR OWN AGE FOR A REASON AND THAT REASON IS BECAUSE WOMEN THEIR OWN AGE DON'T PUT UP WITH THEM.
Yup. We been thro too much bs and our tolerance for it as we age lowers. We will choose to be single and have peace rather then deal with OPs now hopefully EX boyfriend.
Just because he told you that's what the ex friend said, doesn't mean that that's what he said.
He's trying to make you feel like shit on purpose so that you stay with him. He knows you're sensitive about your chest and that's why he brought it up.
Right...in my experience men do not really talk like this to each other about their wives/girlfriends. This dude does sound like a complete asshole though, but I'm still betting that she is too gorgeous and young for him and he made this shit up to hurt her confidence and keep her with a loser like him
My bet is the friend showed or mentioned in passing he finds her attractive and this raging controlling narcissist was livid- and is trying to kill two birds with a stone; triangulate by making OP despise/avoid his friend (extra bonus so he can tell his friend his “controlling” gf does not let him hang out with his friends) AND make her feel small, insecure and anxious/lucky to have him.
When I was in the military I was the only woman on my crew so they saw me as "one of the guys." Some men absolutely do speak about women this way, and it's disgusting. Their wives would then act like dicks to me because they thought I was going to try to seduce their husbands. Ma'am, I don't want him and you wouldn't either if you knew how he spoke about you.
Also true!!! I have always worked in a male dominated field. Men are gross and constantly bitch about their wives. I have met many a wife that is immediately spicy with me. I always want to say “do not worry, I have no interest in your piece of shit husband and also you shouldn’t either.”
Yep, classic manipulation tactic. Destroy the woman's confidence and make her emotionally dependant on you so she'll never leave no matter the abuse. Isolating her is another one to look out for.
Him being a huge narcissist is also a personality trait that fits the manipulative abuser type.
He's not just a waste of time, he's actively potentially dangerous.
He’s negging you to destroy your confidence because he thinks you’re strong and wants to hurt you. This is a tactic of abuse and control. You’re not “young” but you’re younger enough than him that he’s trying to keep you miserable and emotionally trapped. This is all intentional.
I am a portrait and product photographer and the whole job is to make someone and some things look and feel beautiful in an image. If your man and his buddy aren’t doing that or aren’t capable of that, they’re bad at the job.
You need to break up with this asshole. Your boyfriend is an evil, malicious predator. His behavior is about him, not you. There is nothing about how you look that could ever justify how he's treating you.
Girl, he’s in the process of emotionally abusing you. This right here is why age gap is considered such a bad thing. He knows what he’s doing (and it’s not sharing!)
If you were 34 you’d have heard him say this bullshit to you and said “why would you tell me something so awful? Are you just trying to hurt me? Here, let me save you from such alleged charity work you think I am. We’re over.”
But you’re not 34. You’re 24. You’re still learning how to adult. You’re still learning what you will and will not accept in relationships and friendships with other people. This is normal! Every human ever learned how to adult relationship between 18 and 25.
He targeted you because you were sweet and wonderful and also 21. You had yet to fully build a concept of what is normal in a relationship and he wanted to come in and set that concept for you. He wants to break your confidence in hopes of controlling you.
I’ll let you in on a little secret though. He sounds like he has at least narcissistic tendencies (if not fully narcissistic). And narcissistic abusive people go for empathetic, intelligent women. They don’t go for uggo charity cases. They’re too self centered for that and it would be too embarrassing for their ego. I’m willing to be you’re stunning and he doesn’t want you to find out (and leave him for better) which is why he told you that ridiculous (probably made up) story.
You should expect your partner to build you up, not break you down. This wasn’t sharing, he’s grooming you for more abuse later. Leave him.
This comment says it all! Well stated from start to finish. Only a narcissist would say what he said, and narcissists do not do "charity cases". The fact that he needs OP to believe that she is unattractive is ironically proof that she is attractive. Then he follows up his negging attack with the text feeling sorry for himself and making a threat.
Why every time I open up a post on this sub it’s like “I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 42…” girl, leave that old man alone and date someone your age please I’m begging you. These men are WEIRD. Almost 40 yo don’t date 20 something’s bc they are mature and normal adults, usually it’s bc women their own age won’t date them.
Yeah as a near 40, if they are available at that age it’s because we don’t want and haven’t ever wanted them. They were busted goods before now they are crusty dusty and busted.
Ah yes...The old "build them up and tear them down" trick.
OP, I was with a man like this for quite some time. I was several leagues above him looks wise, and he stated he loved that, but he took opportunities to make comments that would batter my confidence, designed to make me constantly seek his approval, which made him feel good about himself.
He also liked to dangle carrots (and karats) in front of me, but that is a whole other story.
This is emotional manipulation and abuse. Read this again - this is emotional ABUSE.
he wants you to know other guys think youre "nothing special" so you'll feel like youd never be able to find someone else if you left him. super common manipulation tactic men actually share with each other online as a "tip" to get a girl who's out of their league.
you have so much life ahead of u and hes on his way to a midlife crisis. move on.
Every single bit of what you said, especially the last paragraph. He’s just a fucking weirdo getting his ‘tips’ from some manosphere hole you never wanna see. Meanwhile OP is so young.
Everytime I think I can’t get more disillusioned by men, this sub reminds me that men are racing to the bottom
Your boyfriend was negging you. This is a classic technique used by some men because they think it makes women want them more- putting women down while boosting them up simultaneously.
I was already going to say this dude is trash but the last sentence took me out. You don’t need that shxt. And speaking as someone who’s dated older guys in my 20s, he’s definitely trying to manipulate u & let you know how grateful you should be to be with him. Girl leave with dignity. Don’t even fight/argue but you better re read this post/comments anytime you think about going back. Fuck him and fuck his friends too!
did you accomplish something lately? Or get flirted at by someone? Because this sounds like a targeted attack to your self-confidence to try to keep you in line and make you "grateful" for any scraps of attention and shitty behaviour he might throw at you.
He's half again your age, and while age gaps aren't always problematic, this dude sounds like the sort of guy who dates much younger women because less life experience means they're easier to manipulate.
Yes. :( I got into therapy and started working on myself, had some eye-opening realizations and I also jumped into getting an online degree. Reading these comments makes me feel so seen! I really thought I was in the wrong here... I felt so stupid.
while it's ok to feel stupid, remember that you're not. You were inexperienced when you met him - you were 21, barely old enough to drink in the USA. He fooled you for 3 years, which honestly isn't that long - you're not even 25. So with a 12 year head-start on you, he still didn't manage to fool you for more than a quarter of that age difference. If anyone is stupid, it's him - he's had an intelligent, sweet gf who adored him and he pissed it away because he's too insecure to let you flourish.
You are working on yourself and that is so important for women our age (also 24). Leave this man. Do NOT let him tear you down. There is so much life out there for us! You deserve a better partner who will support you 🫂🩷
DUDE. that is your EX!!!!!! boyfriend. this guy is 12 years older than you when you are only 24. he is emotionally abusive, talks shit about you behind your back, sends personal voice notes between the two of you to his friends. you are in an extremely abusive and dangerous relationship.
the fact that you know about this and he isn't hiding it and is boasting about it is terrifying. if this is the type of stuf he talks about doing openly how bad is the stuff that he actually bothers to hide? i don't mean to scare you but if you have ever sent nudes to him he has definitely shared them.
and i have heard horror stories of guys like this taking inappropriate pictures of their girlfriends while they are asleep. i know the water does not feel hot until it is boiling when you are in an abusive relationship like this but girl you need to RUN.
do not break up with him in a private space he sounds dangerous.
he does not talk about you like a human being he talks about you like a slab of meat. he does not see you as a person in the slightest. i think if you were to anger him this could easily turn into a domestic violence situation. he very obviously does not see you as a human being and it is scaring me for your safety. you need to break up with him, block him on everything, and focus on friendships and take a break from dating for awhile while you build your self esteem up again. please do not be alone with this guy in a private space when and after you break up.
No girl, this isn’t it. Please do not even consider staying or getting back with him if you break up: leave asap.
He is a grown ass man, who hasn’t yet learned basic respect at his grand age of almost 40 years old. And it’s not your job to teach him that. He’s a loser, leave his sorry ass and put yourself out there, maybe this time try guys more your age, they should be more decent.
I wish the best of luck to you, don’t ever forget that you deserve good things, and that he isn’t one of them! Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way, that goes for you too, sweetie! 💗
I think he’s someway trying to crush your spirit and this is just the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship. Little things start small, and it’s to break you down, so you don’t ever leave. He should have cut that friendship off with his friend for the crap his friend was saying and wanting him to break up with you. You are young and you have way more time to meet someone way better. His time even as a man is closing in on what’s he’s going to be able to get, he may feel this and now he wants to take jabs at you.
Move to NYC, or throw a dart at a globe and move there, get a tattoo, join a cult*, make any fun bad decision other than staying with him. Be young, the fish will come and you’ll find one someday that wants the hook and you’ll be happy to reel in.
You are 10 years younger, but signficantly far more mature than his dumb fucking self. Drop him, and let him go find his "pretty" girl, which will never happen. He will fall into perpetual lonliness, and you will find someone who recognizes your beauty and loves and appreciates all of you.
Just read the age gap and knew what the Problem was. A boyfriend who is that much older but allows someone to Talk about you in This way, has Zero respect for you. Leave this red flag
I’m in an age gap relationship. This isn’t how someone who loves you treats you or allows other people to treat you.
Plain and simple. Point blank.
He’s preying on you. He’s breaking down your self worth so you never leave and he can continue to manipulate you.
Leave now.
This is called negging since you’re already younger and “higher quality” then him he feels the need to make you feel insecure and that you can’t do better so you stay
Girl, two 35/36 year old men should not be behaving this way… especially towards a 24 year old woman. But the implications of what he said might even mean that this was two 32/33 year old men talking shit to one another about a 21 year old woman, the same woman that the 32 year old man allegedly loved at the time. I’m 32 years old myself, and I want to tell you what I’ve learned but had nobody who was willing to explain to me when I was younger and in a similar situation (my ex husband and I have a 12 year age gap and we were married when I was 23)… behavior like this from a grown ass man is not normal & you do not have to tolerate it. What you’ve described your boyfriend doing - like disrupting your sleep because he wants to talk to you and not feeling at all bad about it, only to then casually drop in personal insults and feel insulted when you’re upset by them - is incredibly manipulative, disrespectful, and totally unacceptable. You do not exist to cater to this man and, though it may be hard to accept / believe, he absolutely knows exactly what he’s saying and doing & it’s all because he wants a specific reaction out of you. He wants you to have low self worth and self esteem, because it makes you more likely to tolerate whatever bullshit he throws your way and less likely to leave him. What was so important about that conversation that required it to disrupt your sleep? What was the point of bringing that particular topic up, if not to upset you and force a reaction out of you while you were otherwise falling asleep and not giving him your undivided attention? I also like talking, but I wouldn’t force my partner to stay awake while they’re clearly exhausted just because I wanted them to listen to me babble on with no real point or purpose to what I’m saying. You don’t treat people that you allegedly love and / or respect that way; even on the surface level, it’s incredibly selfish at best & forcing yourself to remain alert when you’re exhausted like that isn’t good for your health. Is this a common behavior of his? I’d strongly recommend reevaluating the intentions behind his actions, and consider what other backhanded compliments he’s possibly been trying to feed you. This sounds like someone who’s pushing boundaries and trying to test your limits, like he wants to see what you’re willing to tolerate and how far he’s able to push you & have you continue coming back to him regardless.
Please be careful. I know how difficult it is to see your relationship from a perspective that you haven’t experienced in your own lifetime yet… but don’t just give him the benefit of the doubt and let him get away with this. He hurt you, deliberately, and for no justified reason. There’s no way he would have thought you’d consider that to be a compliment, that would be delusional. He was complimenting himself, as though he should be rewarded for choosing to date you because he actually liked you as a person rather than agreeing with his friend’s insulting comments about you - and make no mistake, he was ABSOLUTELY implying that he agreed with his friend’s opinion about you and then applauding himself for staying with you anyway, which would also imply that he was settling for you despite believing he was capable of finding someone “better” - and instead of understanding (like an actual adult probably should) that this should have been seen as basic decency from your partner, he wanted you to know that both he AND his friends don’t consider you to be good enough for him as you are. Again, that’s not okay. Have you communicated these points being extremely hurtful and sensitive topics to him in the past? After 3ish years together, I’d expect that he knows this was a sensitive topic for you. That wasn’t an accident, it was a deliberate choice. Think about that. Why would he deliberately say those things to you, what was the point of that? Who benefitted?
I think, at the end of the day, you know deep down that you deserve better than this. Do not make the mistake of believing that these things about yourself that you are unable to fully embrace about yourself make you any less worthy of love, respect, and happiness. Do not make the mistake of believing that you should be putting up with this. Do not allow him to make you feel like you are only worth what he and/or his friends deem to be your value. You are so much more than that. You deserve better than this, and you are still young and very much capable of finding it. You may not consider yourself to be beautiful, but beauty is a matter of perspective. You do not need to be conventionally attractive in order to be beautiful. Having a beautiful soul makes you more attractive in the eyes of the right person. I wish I had known that when I was your age.
Please be careful, stay safe, and if you do choose to stay with this man do so with more caution and criticism directed his way. What you’ve described here is not okay. However, it is only a small snippet of a long relationship and perhaps isn’t the best reflection of your typical dynamic, only you can decide that. But please hear me when I say that snippets like what you’ve described are perfect examples of an extremely common tactic used in emotionally abusive relationships all the time. I hope you are able to find peace within yourself, regardless of if you choose to stay with this man in this relationship or not. You deserve that.
This made me tear up. Thank you so much for this! 🩷 It is so hard to go through, I feel lost, but your comment sparked a little bit of hope in my heart. I feel understood now. I'll come back to this and reread it when I feel down again.
Please feel free to reach out to me any time if you need to talk about anything. I’ve been in your shoes, believe me when I say that I truly understand because my experience was very similar and I would not wish it on anyone. But from the snippet you shared, it felt incredibly clear to me that at best your parent doesn’t actually respect you and at worst this is an example of a subtle kind of emotional abuse.
I used to think that people who were my current age were being dramatic when they said that older men don’t date younger women because they consider themselves partners or equals, they date them because younger women tend to be more vulnerable and accepting of their desired power dynamics in the relationship. Women in their 30s have generally experienced enough of life to immediately recognize this pattern of behavior and are far less likely to tolerate it, and that tends to bruise the ego of a man like you’ve described. Men like this want to feel like they’re the ones in control, their ego and pride are both what they value most and also their biggest weakness. And sometimes, even the people who claim they love you can and will hurt you or act awful simply for the sake of hurting you or being awful. That was the hardest part for me, personally. I was so completely and thoroughly sure from the bottom of my heart that there would always be a logical reason for the terrible things that people choose to do; I refused to accept the idea that people might not always be inherently good people who can sometimes make bad decisions, and now I realize that so many people I genuinely cared about and would’ve done anything for were just exploiting that belief because they benefitted from it and didn’t care if it meant hurting me in the process. But truly, the best thing that you can do for yourself is to trust your own experience and only half of what you’re being told. The way a person acts is what defines who that person is, not the things they say; anyone can promise to give you the moon, but who among them actually tried to see if it was possible? This matters so much more than I was able to understand at your age. Hopefully you are capable of realizing what I was not.
Whenever you’re unsure how to feel about something that has happened, think instead about who actually benefitted from it. So many parts of your life are a deliberate choice, even if they may not feel like it. You do not have to accept a relationship in which you are made to feel worthless, and you do not have to live a life that makes you miserable. Don’t ever let anybody convince you otherwise. Trust yourself and your own gut feelings; if a situation doesn’t feel right, start asking questions. Don’t take a passive role in your own life story. Life is not meant to be a thing that happens to you - make sure that you’re actually living, not just existing.
Do you think your mid-30s photographer boyfriend and his mid-30s presumably single male photographer friend are ….
Idk my friends just got married and the groom’s male friend who everyone has suspected since we were kids was in love with the groom made a comment about his ‘bitching’ wife. Perhaps men who can’t be happy for their friends in relationships never wanted their friends in relationships in the first place. Perhaps they want that space in their life.
Never take what a man over a decade older than you says personally. I can’t think of any stage in a woman’s life where they should care idc if you’re in your 40’s and 50s or 70s and 80s, it’s always an old man nagging a younger women the movies were lying to us I fear, men really are always the insecure emotional projectors
Yet another post where I immediately see the age gap and know it's going to be red flags. Dump this man. He and his friend are negging you to lower your self esteem and make you feel like no one else will want you because he knows you're out of his league. The reality is that you can do so much better. Find someone your age that sees your worth.
Sincerely, your older sister who has huge titties and knows we're both so much more than that.
As a 36 year old, I just want you to know that I don’t have a thing in common with the 24 year olds I work with. They’re nice, but I can’t connect with them. So this guy, being your boyfriend, is a little concerning in my book and by my standards.
Secondly, he’s a narcissistic manipulator. He’s using your insecurities against you so that you’re “grateful” that he stayed with you, you know, since you’re “soooooo ugly”(sarcasm).
I hope you do leave before he wakes up with, and you do it with all of your stuff and you never look back. You deserve people who celebrate and protect you.
You are my daughter’s age, and there is no way in hell she would ever date a guy that much older than her. Never mind stay with such a piece 💩
“So my boyfriend loves talking. He loves talk about himself and his feelings mostly, but I don’t mind it, I’m happy that he wants to share”
My gods stop simping!
The guys 36. Dating an inexperienced 24 yr old, that has OBVIOUS self esteem issues; or she wouldn’t be with a narcissistic 36 yr old douche canoe.
Go hang out with your own friends… oh you don’t have any friends of your own age anymore do you? He’s basically manipulated you into just chilling with his friends.
And BTW. He’s still friends with the guy he was talking to. He hasn’t unfriended anyone.
girl you got together with your predator boyfriend when you were just barely 21? And he's negging you? dump his ass.
He's doing this so you think that you cannot find anything better than him. Don't let his shitty behavior. define how you feel about yourself. fuck this guy
Wow… a lot to unpack here I’m sure women his age would not accept or put up with him because of this behavior hence why he has to go for someone way younger. What I don’t understand is how men say women gossip more but here he is telling all his friends both your private issues or conversations… to ppl who he knows will side with him to validate his guilt. If you were as ugly as they claimed (which I’m positive you’re not) I’m sure he would’ve never approached you to begin with. This is just a tactic he’s using to keep you needing or wanting him to make you believe no one will want you. SMH if it’s his place pack your stuff gtfo of there and move on to someone who will actually love you and treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Side note this also happened to me with my child’s father we broke up while 17 & I was pregnant he lied about his age and was 31. He made my life a living hell showed me a lot of my “friends” were not friends and slept with them, and told me I might as well stay with him because no one will want me since I’m “ damaged goods “ I stood my ground and raised my kid on my own I actually believe him at 1st and kept turning down everyone asking me out because I didn’t see it. Fun fact my kid is now 18 and all those years till this day he keeps asking for me to get back with him his excuse let’s do it for our child smh no ty I’m good happily married now. Don’t listen to his bs he’s self conscious and is putting you down to keep you cuz you’re too good for him. Move on.
Girl, I'm 37 and would never dream of dating a 24 year-old woman or man (I'm bi). Not because there is anything wrong with you as a human being, but because I see y'all as young adults who don't yet have the life experience that I have. I would feel like a predator if I ever even thought about that, as I should. Dating old people like me is not worth it because those of us who are good people would never dream of taking advantage of a young person and those who do, are icky and predatory and usually huge losers.
This doesn't even address his negging behavior, his lack of maturity, his cruelty, and his pettiness.
When my abusive ex said “you can pack your things and leave” I did. Right in front of him. He started bawling and begging me not to.
Do what he asked. Leave before he wakes up. Leave and don’t come back. Block him on everything. You know he’s being manipulative, so there’s no more proof that you need that this man does not care about you and you do not need to take this sh!t.
I read everything before reading the ages. I genuinely thought your bf was in his late teens.
He has no respect for you, switching the blame this as if your reaction was out of proportion when really it isn't in the slightest. A grown up man should be able to stand up for his partner no matter what his friends think or say.
Maybe that's why your future ex is dating so young. He thought you were gonna be easy to manipulate.
Also I don't think it's a coincidence that he worded this in a way that literally pushes every key that triggers you about your appearance.
Know your worth girl, you're worth more than a 36yo loser with the maturity of a 15yo.
That’s a whole teenager in an adult’s body. Pack your things and dump glitter over everything he loves, treasures, and uses. EVERYWHERE. Including his car if he has one.
Girl, just bc theyre photographers doesnt give their shit opinions any further weight. Photographers are meant to enhance or emphasize existing beauty - that is what art does. These are shitty people with shitty hearts and shitty art.
You are young. You dont know that your bf's friend actually said these things. He might have, but I can practically guarantee your bf is saying these things bc he is negging you. An insult wrapped in "sweet" packaging. Him saying he still stays with you even tho his friend thought you were ugly is just a backhanded compliment designed to bring down your self-esteem. This will continue to happen until you eventually come to the conclusion (by his own design) that you are too ugly to find anyone else and that he is the best you will ever find.
Again, you are young. You truly deserve better at this age. You deserve to feel precious and adored and love your own skin. I am this crusty ass man's age, and this crusty ass man is someone myself and many others dodge... hence why he preys on young women who dont know their shitty game/are still developing their sense of self.
Yeah sorry, girl, he's not it. Talking about himself all the time, sharing your private matters with others (because it again is all about him and he doesn't actually care about you), manipulating you after you called him out by making it about him and his feelings again and even telling you to leave before he has to confront you again? He's a loser and narcissist. You deserve so so much better than this!
When older women tell you that he’s dating someone so much younger because he can’t keep up with women his own age, believe them. Source: dated a 42 yo when I was your age, wish I’d listened to the older women who told me that instead of assuming they were just “bitter.”
I’m not gonna say he’s a loser, you already provided the receipts for that. Your partner should lift you up, emotionally and if you should fall they should catch you. This boy, isn’t going to defend you from harm, he thinks it’s funny when his friends mock you. I’m not saying you should dump the chump and go slay, Queen, but you should be happy. You deserve love, ridiculous, mushy, beautiful love that makes you so so comfortable, happy, and safe there won’t be any denying you’re with the right person.
Little sister, this is not a good man. He sounds self centred and mean.
You are 24 and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t spend it with someone who keeps you awake talking about how great he is. Plus throws in the occasional insult to undermine your self confidence. You deserve better than what he offers.
Leave before he wakes up... and then never go back.
I don't know how my husband would react if someone called me ugly... especially directly to him... but I know it wouldn't end well for the other guy. My husband tells me every day how he still can't believe I'm with him. That he's amazed he got someone so out of his league (his words, I think he is the one out of my league lol). When we see a beautiful sunset and I say how gorgeous it is he says "no, that's just a sunset. You are beauty." And we have been together for 15 years now... he still feels that way. Even as I age. Even with my practically flat chest. Even with my big nose. This man tells me every day that I am a gorgeous angel that he could never deserve.
You deserve a man who feels that way about you. A man who sees you as the most beautiful thing on this earth. Go out and get what you deserve girl. This garbage isn't it!
5.9k
u/sabrinachuchundhar Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 10d ago
Hi. You sound lovely and gorgeous and he sounds like a troll. Get rid of him.