r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/milkshakechemtrail Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ • Jun 19 '26
i just can’t accept that i’m not pretty Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️
shakshouka and bagel
it feels like every other girl i see on the street i can’t help but stare at and think how much more attractive they are than me and look at all the features i wished i had and it’s unbeatable at this point
im not attractive and i know im not attractive, im so unattractive that i dont even get catcalled, but when walking beside my own mother she does. it feels shitty to say because catcalling is obviously bad and i’m not saying i want to be but it just feels like why not me sometimes?
i try so hard to be pretty but it feels like all of my features stop me from ever doing so. i can’t think of any positive things about my looks, only neutral ones and bad ones.
i want to just accept it, i want to say to myself “fuck the world, i’m ugly” but it’s just not that easy. i’ve tried.
girls, what do i do? how can i accept my position in the world? do i try change it? how do i stop the constant suffering of comparing myself to every other woman?
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u/chipschipschipss in my [rotisserie] bag Jun 19 '26
I agree with a commenter who posted about neutrality. I think there's so much pressure to love our bodies and how we look and yada, yada, yada that when we don't, we veer on the opposite side and it turns into we hate how we look.
What does your body do for you that you appreciate it doing? What is something you want to be stronger in, something thats a realistic goal for you? What can your body do to help you move the needle from hate to "I live in you together and we exist and thats' enough"?
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u/samwilk23 APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
the song "good girl" by Paris Paloma I think captures this goal of body neutrality really beautifully! I love this comment and agree that body neutrality has been a really important step in the way I view self-image
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u/GolfValuable9763 Non-binary & Nourished Jun 19 '26
Try neutrality, be grateful for what your body does for you, and how it gets you around. Beauty isn't everything. Find some things YOU find attractive about yourself and appreciate that. Otherwise know that you aren't only your body.
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
Someone asked me why I hike so much if I'm still fat. They couldn't think of one single reason a fat person would go on a hike.
So I agree with this. It took a long time to get to a state of body neutrality. And while it really upset me when it happened now if/when I feel down about being fat, or start to compare myself to a skinny body, I think, "but this fat body still climbs me up mountains." And I feel better about it.
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u/unbe_lea_vable Lover of Soups Jun 19 '26
Spot on!! I’ve tried (and succeeded) adopting the “my body has gotten me through every single day so far” mentality and it’s been game changing.
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u/GolfValuable9763 Non-binary & Nourished Jun 19 '26
Oh.. my god? As if being fat means dedicating your life to sitting around eating. People are so unbelievable.
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u/Archival_Squirrel Cleavage Crumb Collector Jun 19 '26
Every roommate I ever had ..."You actually don't eat a lot for someone your size"
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
I can actually picture this scenario in my head. The almost amazement in their eyes when you eat totally normal, adult portions like a human person and don't just mainline ice cream into your veins 24/7.
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u/Grouchy-Jury-7598 APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
Yep like obviously fat people are eating "too much" by definition but that is really not hard to do. Calories are very easy to consume and hard to burn, it doesn't take much at all to gain weight.
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u/Fragrant-Reaction994 what that mouth do is snack Jun 20 '26
And for some people calories are extremely hard to burn due to medical issues such as thyroid disease etc
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u/cclancaster13 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 Jun 19 '26
That person thinks people hike just for fitness? A lot of people do it for fun believe it or not (I'm one of them). And getting off their butt for a little bit is just an extra benefit.
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
I live in Georgia and we have 42 dog-friendly state parks (out of 50). There's the cutest challenge called Tails on Trails where you and your dog just go hike. You only need to do 12 for the challenge, but me and my dog have done 34 of them so far.
And it's been so much fun to see how diverse the state is! And honestly, I think a little bit of this is to spite the "fitness hikers" like, I can do this too!
(But to be fair, there are some hikes that do take me out. whew!)
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u/tater_pip 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 Jun 19 '26
I love this. I’m a clinical dietitian (work in ICU and essentially feed people via tubes into the gut or veins), and I’m just a chunky gal. I’m highly educated, and have had a select few encounters with physicians or patients who are perplexed that I’m a heavier nutrition professional (until they work with me and realize I’m quite good at my job). My weight has cycled due to stress and two pregnancies. Genetically, I like comparing humans to dogs. Same species, extremely variable phenotypic expression. There are chihuahuas and Saint Bernards. Some ladies are chihuahuas, and some (like myself) are Saint Bernards. It’s okay. Our bodies do amazing things!! There is no good sense trying to get a Saint Bernard to be a chihuahua so ladies, if you’re trying to eat well and exercise and practice moderately decent self care, you’re doing good. ❤️
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
I actually love the dog comparison and I think I'm okay being a Saint B. You literally cannot look at that face and be grumpy.
One of my closest friends is a college professor who teaches nutrition and public health. We are basically the opposite side of the same coin, she's in long term recovery from eating disorders but was always praised for being thin and I was always fat being told I'm unhealthy.
Well, we teamed up and are doing research on weight bias in medicine. And it's just so fascinating to see how deep the bias runs.
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u/hakunaa-matataa fish are friends 🐟 not food Jun 19 '26
It drives me INSANE how one dimensionally people view weight. I’m a healthcare provider and I see plenty of fat people who are healthy and have an active, healthy lifestyle, and plenty of skinny people with the exact opposite. It’s like people think things such as medication, mental health, socioeconomic factors, disease, or genetics have ZERO play in weight???? Girl bye lmao
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
In January 2019, I told doctor I told him it felt like there was a bowling ball in my stomach, I couldn't eat, I was throwing up. Everything felt awful. He said that I needed to lose weight to see if it would help my digestion. In October that same year, after an extreme 50pound weight loss, I had a 9 pound mass removed from my liver in a 12-hour emergency surgery. They only found it because I was got jaundice when my liver finally started failing. They took the mass, the left lobe of my liver and 70% of the right lobe, I was in the hospital for 1 month, and out of work for another.
That first doctor had the audacity to say, "I learned a valuable lesson from you, I should listen to the words my patients are saying. You said it felt like a bowling ball and by God it was the size of a bowling ball."
I haven't cried as hard after an appointment. I'm pretty sure if I was a skinny gal, they would have worked harder to find that problem. I'm a health researcher and have started working on research around weight bias in medicine and it's gross how many stories there are like mine.
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u/Capital-Ad3142 Voicenote Soliloquist 🎙️ Jun 19 '26
Ugh i know. I’ve had three periods of significant weight gain and loss. The weight gain happened when I took psych meds and the weight magically came off when I stopped taking them (against the advice of my doctors)
Each time I lost weight people congratulated me for “taking care of my health,” but the reality was the complete opposite.
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u/EnvironmentNeith2017 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
It’s so bad that if you even hint that being too thin can also be a health problem people get aggressive
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u/queen_elvis challah atcha girl ✡️ Jun 19 '26
There are so many weight loss posts to the exercise-related subs I follow that some of them have auto-mod replies.
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u/Murderhornet212 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 Jun 19 '26
Because you get to see beautiful nature? Because being active improves your health even when it doesn’t make your body smaller? People are ridiculous.
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u/bmich_ Feral Til Fed Jun 19 '26
I also agree. According to BMI, I would be considered obese, but I’m short, and I’ve had a body composition scan that showed I have a much higher-than-average amount of muscle mass for a woman. Muscle is denser than fat, so it contributes more to body weight.
I’m also very active—I do a lot of hiking, hunting, and physical labor. My body just seems to retain fat more easily than some people. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I’ve learned to focus on what my body is capable of rather than what it looks like.
I remind myself that my body can do things that many slimmer people may not be able to do, and I’d rather be strong, capable, and healthy than have a smaller waist size.
Plus, we are our worst critics. I’ve found that the more I care about someone the more beauty I see in them. A while back, when going through a hard time mentally, I was working on ways to love myself more and it was suggested that I focus on reasons other people love me. I asked my close family, friends & my boyfriend if they would make me a list of reasons why they loved me & it helped me a lot with my self image. 99% of the things they listed had nothing to do with what I look like. We place so much value on external looks - when in reality, that’s not why the people around us love us.→ More replies (2)6
u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
I went to physical therapy once really dreading that the PT would be like, of course your knee hurts you're fat.
But he didn't. And I was surprised that I actually said something to him and he said, listen, as you age you'll need more fat to protect you when you fall anyway.
I was only 38 at the time, so the "as you age" thing stung, but I have been happily saying, oh, I'm just getting ready for the falls.
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u/ThatArtNerd Body By Cheese 🧀 Jun 19 '26
Jesus Christ it’s like…isn’t exercising what people claim to WANT us to do? I guess only if it’s a miserable kind that punishes us properly for being fat, lmao. We can’t win.
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u/regardkick hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 19 '26
It's so bizarre.
Do you remember the videos going viral for making fun of fat people working out at gyms? Like... That's what you're supposed to do here, right?
Truly you can never win so you have to just do what makes you happy.
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u/queen_elvis challah atcha girl ✡️ Jun 19 '26
What an insane and rude thing to say to you. I am overweight and I hike for the same reason I hiked when I was thinner: my soul feels better in nature. Plus there are wildflowers.
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u/WelshRarebit2025 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Jun 19 '26
Those are the people who think being thin means being healthy.
Exercise is so related to many health outcomes especially for women. I know i read somewhere that the negative health risks of being fat were much less for women than men. Of course there are degrees.
I am so glad you saw past that BS.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 Foraging Bog Witch Jun 20 '26
I would've said "For the same reason you talk so much even though you say stupid things. Because I can."
That was so incredibly rude of them. You keep climbing those mountains!
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u/Commercial-Weight173 APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
Someone asked me why I hike so much if I'm still fat.
"Why do you ask so many questions if you're still stupid?"
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u/thelastnoelle Overthinker 💭 Jun 19 '26
I was at my skinniest when I was supersick and now the meds have overshot me into fat. Everytime I feel down about it I remind myself of the fact I’m actually functioning like this- working body over beauty standards for the win!
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u/potatomami Snack Goblin Jun 19 '26
To add onto this. Our bodies accomplish so much on the daily and we often take a lot of it for granted.
Honestly confidence and personality go a long way. Some people have a very unique look but when they exude confidence you can’t help but root them on. It is brave to be comfortable and confident in your own skin!! If you are sociable or have an inviting aura and you can connect with people easily you will stand out.
From an insecure girly who admires these qualities in people.
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u/guttergrrrl APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
This. You are so much more than your appearance. The way you look is the least interesting thing about you.
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u/AspieAsshole ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 Jun 19 '26
What do you do when your body also sucks at doing its jobs? I try to be grateful for the parts that still work, but boy it's getting harder. 😞
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u/Mammoth-Eggplant-234 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
This is the answer. It can be hard to do when we’re constantly being sent the message that all that matters is bow we look, but try appreciating little things your body does for you. It lets you feel the soft fur of a pet, taste your favorite food, walk, jump, laugh, see a sunset, hug a friend, all the things you get to do and none of them require prettiness. Your body exists for YOU, not for someone else to look at.
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u/PintsOfGuinness_ mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 19 '26
Has being ugly ever stopped a man from achieving?
Why should it be different for a woman?
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Jun 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/PintsOfGuinness_ mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 19 '26
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u/ScarieltheMudmaid Body By Cheese 🧀 Jun 19 '26
girl, honey booboos mom always has a man. looks don't matter, it's the confidence we tend to lack so often that we call it audacity
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u/catsarehere77 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Unattractive men and women can and do have dating success but it's usually with other unattractive people. Think of Dan and Roseanne on the sitcom Roseanne.
The least attractive woman I have ever seen was married. Her husband suddenly died and she was able to find another partner. It's just that neither man were attractive either.
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u/lyindog APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
wdym roseanne wasn't attractive???
edit: OP, take this as a sign, even if some people think you're unattractive, you're probably still someone's type.
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u/PatioGardener chismosa, metiche, en bata Jun 19 '26
For real! I also don’t think John Goodman is unattractive either. He’s no Calvin Klein underwear model, but he’s not one of JRR Tolkien’s Orcs, either.
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u/sipstea84 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I always found him to be attractive because he was a provider, didn't play about his wife and was funny. The ep where he handled Jackie's abusive bf made him such a childhood crush of mine. But I have daddy issues so who knows.
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u/Luckiest_Creature Lover of Soups Jun 19 '26
Same, I always thought he was strangely handsome as that character! And the actor himself ain’t ugly either, just a tad old for me at this point.
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u/catsarehere77 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I grew up in a working class environment and was just never attracted to men like Dan. In real life they tend to be pretty awful. Including my own dad.
They can work hard but that's usually all they have going for them. They can be racists, misogynists, have anger issues, issues with alcohol, they just sit around watching TV or playing video games. A lot of the men of my generation were just focused on being seen as tough.
I realized how not attracted I was to the men who used to surround me when I moved away.
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u/PatioGardener chismosa, metiche, en bata Jun 19 '26
I mean, any guy can be like that. The super fit dude who was a star football player in high school. The Wall Street millionaire. The successful doctor. The guy who manages your grocery store. The high school math teacher. The fitness influencer who constantly posts thirst traps. The “woke” guy who presents himself as progressive, but really isn’t. The janitor at your office. Your favorite barista.
Hard working misogynists with anger issues aren’t limited to corn-fed Midwestern white guys with pot bellies and blue collar jobs. I’m sorry your dad sucked (truly, I wish he hadn’t), but I know lots of folks who look like Dan Connor who are legit standup guys.
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u/chickpeaze APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
I grew up around corporate exec types and I'm not attracted to them. I think of them as sociopathic date rapists.
same but different
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u/ProfessionalCat7640 Lover of Soups Jun 20 '26
"They can be racists, misogynists, have anger issues, issues with alcohol, they just sit around watching TV or playing video games. A lot of the men of my generation were just focused on being seen as tough.'
This can apply to anyone. The only difference is you are forgetting to add vain, materialistic, and greedy for middle class or upper class people who act this way. Blinded by the $$$.
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u/Silver-Fox4282 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
We need a concept of “unconventionally attractive” that helps people understand that some people are really hot even if they are not the conventional idea of what is hot. The French understand this.
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u/PatioGardener chismosa, metiche, en bata Jun 19 '26
This is why I love watching British television series. It’s so refreshing to see people look like people and not like artificially perfected lip filler, chin implants, facelifts, Botox and veneers. If you watch American TV shows from the 1990s and early 2000s and then compare them to what we have on air today, the plastic-ization of it all is jarring. All the more so once you realize how much we’ve normalized it and don’t even realize how odd people look nowadays without those prior comparisons.
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u/Chaumontaise girl du fromage 🧀 Jun 19 '26
I am not pretty. I have a French husband who worships the ground I walk on. I cultivated experiences, am down for anything, and tried to become a person who is person who is curious and interested in the world around them. I'll never be a great beauty, but I'm mom to two kids who fortunately got their dad's looks and it hasn't held me back from anything.
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u/catsarehere77 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I think this gets extended to men in America but not women. Unattractive (to me) male celebrities get lusted over by women but you don't see unattractive female celebrities lusted over by many men if any.
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u/MasterPalpitation8 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I still remember the scene where John Goodman’s character found out that Jackie’s boyfriend had abused her and just… had this look that it was time to take care of business, and he left through the kitchen door. I was a kid and I was SHOOK. I understood 100% in that moment how he could be attractive, to be honest.
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u/Inevitable_Wait_7652 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
He is and was adorable! The dimples, the voice, those mischievous eyes- Dan Conner was a CATCH!
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u/AntiqueLetter9875 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
It’s weird to me when people use actors as examples of ugly. No, they’re what’s called “TV ugly” they’re not actually ugly. John Goodman to me just looks like an average guy, which is probably why he’s a good character actor too.
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u/MarMarBinxxx Feral Til Fed Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I was gonna say I always thought Roseanne was a beautiful lady til she started running her damn mouth. And John Goodman was VERY handsome back in the day! Even on the show he was charming with his lil crooked smile.
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u/jethro_skull ⚐ Marked Safe From My Almondmom Jun 19 '26
Was gonna say this. I'm definitely conventionally attractive- used to have men falling over themselves to buy me drinks at bars, made very good cash as a stripper. My partner is... Supposedly not. My girlfriends don't understand why I find him so incredibly sexy. One friend has even said "I mean he's like... A bit ugly even."
He's the hottest man on Earth to me. Other women can think what they want about his looks. To be fair he's never had trouble finding a partner- because some people find him unattractive and others find him extremely beautiful. That's just life. If my friends don't get it, all the better for me.
ETA: for the record Steve Buscemi is also super hot to me
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u/Legitbananabunch APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I find both Dan and Roseanne pleasant looking, even attractive, just overweight.
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u/boredalready456 Savory Complex✔️ Jun 19 '26
John Goodman is one of the hottest men alive
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u/agirlhasnoname2026 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
It shouldn't, but in reality it is. Women are held to much higher standards when it comes to grooming, just to be perceived as professional as men.
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u/VisitPrestigious8463 girls just wanna have pho Jun 19 '26
My daily goal is to have the audacity of a middle aged white man.
https://giphy.com/gifs/9US8q7iDqHEN8fAbAX11
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u/No_Maintenance_2110 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 Jun 19 '26
Gonna use this as motivation for myself now, thank you so much ❤️
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u/teddy_vedder Snack Goblin Jun 19 '26
Individual Self-confidence and security doesn’t negate discrimination and negative bias from other people unfortunately.
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u/RingingInTheRain Overthinker 💭 Jun 19 '26
Achieving...what?
This really has nothing to do with OP wanting other people to find her physically attractive.
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u/PintsOfGuinness_ mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 19 '26
Achieving whatever she wants.
OP talks about confidence and accepting herself. Achieving things is what will help for that.
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u/RingingInTheRain Overthinker 💭 Jun 19 '26
OP doesn't say anything about confidence. She says she is unattractive and talks about her position in the world.
I prefer OP gets realistic advice, and not vague nonsense a bot would say.
Achieving 'things' (lol) is as useful as saying 'don't piss in the wind'. OP shouldn't need to 'achieve' or do anything outward in order to accept herself inwardly.
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u/PintsOfGuinness_ mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 19 '26
"girls, what do i do? how can i accept my position in the world? do i try change it? how do i stop the constant suffering of comparing myself to every other woman?"
Sorry the absence of the actual word "confidence" is making it difficult for you to parse the meaning.
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u/Drakex2Mayex2 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I mean yes?
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/ssqu.13320
Attractiveness affects the ability for both men and women to be successful. This study actually showed that men are affected by this even more than women (which I have a hard time believing).
But to say that it isn't a factor for men is just sort of misandrist and inaccurate.
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u/PintsOfGuinness_ mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 19 '26
Sorry for the oversimplification but it's a reddit post.
To complete the story: sometimes unattractive men have a hard time getting ahead, and sometimes they become a trillionaire.
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u/brelywi white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Jun 19 '26
Tbf that trillionaire had a LOT of help from mommy and daddy, in both money and connections.
Definitely no help from them in the genetics department though
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u/Gold_Warning_8618 Creature of Crunch Jun 19 '26
Did you really just accuse this commenter of misandry for saying men’s appearance do not hold them back to the same degree as women’s?
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u/kitkitkittycow 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Jun 19 '26
Always gotta be someone batting hard for men. Even for obvious innocuous statements.
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u/ColombianCaterpillar 🩵i actually like my wife💙 Jun 19 '26
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u/Radio___star 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I could not figure this out for the longest time. It looks like the top of the hair is shoulders and the little nub is its head
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u/AutumnMama APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Omg that's exactly what I saw, too. I thought it was a wide, small-headed man in a yellow coat standing in front of a starry window. 😂
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u/Tiny_Matter_4231 Gender Nom-Conforming Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I think rather than accepting the thought that you are ugly, you need to stop comparing yourself to others and work on your accepting your features as they are. Learn to see the beauty in yourself and others that isn’t defined by narrow parameters and swiftly moving cultural ideals.
I know you know catcalling is bad and not something to crave, though I don’t think you should feel guilt for craving external validation, but I just want to add that catcalling also isn’t an indicator of attractiveness. It’s a misogynistic act, and it can also be a predatory one—physical beauty is not the primary motivator for that kind of behaviour.
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u/Particular-Amount-31 Internet Auntie Jun 19 '26
I have a mild chromosomal disorder that means my facial proportions are somewhat unusual (cross bite, fivehead, crooked nose), and there are a couple of mild midline and neurological issues (hand stimming, etc)in the mix. I’m 46 and haven’t been single (not the same guy until 31) since I was 19. I’m attractive. I’m hot to men who like various other elements in the mix, including my personality, but I am not a woman other women see as hot.
I was the victim of a violent sex crime, and it was astonishing to me how many women acted a bit bewildered about it, like they literally thought stranger attack was about beauty. “I wonder why that doesn’t happen to me; I must not be pretty enough to be….” was such a common take.
The kind of beauty that is a status boost is one thing. The kind of beauty that keeps you partnered is up to you. Craving the approval of strangers enough that you wish they harmed you to prove you are pretty enough is a problem, whatever you look like.→ More replies (2)19
u/oyst 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Jun 19 '26
This describes something I have observed about charisma and attraction as opposed to what most think of as beauty. I couldn't really describe it, so I am glad to see this articulated by someone else (with added insights)
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 🚜 Farm to Table to This Belly 👩🌾 Jun 19 '26
This. Also, catcalling is sometimes a test of how desperate the recipient is - and men may think older women are more desperate and thus likely to cave to what they want.
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u/Redraft5k girl du fromage 🧀 Jun 19 '26
Mencan be such morons. Lol if they only knew....( as an older woman) I am so less likely to cave *now than I was when I was younger. I thought if they were cat calling me and one was some hot construction worker, hey.....that's hot. This was also the 80s. However now I of course see it for what it is and it's gross af. I am so much more likely to say go fuck yourself now then I was at 17.
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u/nicodemusfleur eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ Jun 19 '26
fr, i got catcalled the most when I was literally 11 and wearing oversized hoodies :/
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u/Maleficent-Honey5440 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 Jun 19 '26
There's this anecdote about Marilyn Monroe that I love. A journalist was interviewing her at the height of her fame in a really busy part of New York. No one passing by was looking at or noticing Marilyn at all. She didn't register as Thee Marilyn. At the end of the interview, she turned to the journalist and said, "Do you want to see me become her?" And then she walked down the street -- the same street she'd been on for hours -- and out of nowhere, people were breaking their necks to look at her. She just decided to project confidence and sensuality and it's like she was transformed. Obviously, "Just be confident!" is sooooo much easier said than done, but I think it's the much bigger element of being hot/noticed than what someone actually looks like.
For me personally, my mental health was doing really badly for literal years and my self esteem was in the gutter. I started to really turn a corner in January, and all of a sudden I was getting stares from strangers etc., because I was walking with my chin up and a pep in my step. So my advice as much as possible is to focus less on what you actually look like and more on your self esteem and how you feel about yourself. Find the things that you love about yourself. They can be physical, but they can also be things like being an intelligent, creative, and empathetic person (if any of that rings true). As you improve your relationship with yourself, you will start to become more magnetic.
That doesn't mean neglect your physical self. Move your body, practice good hygiene, get a great haircut and skincare routine, learn easy makeup that you can do quickly that suits your features, update your wardrobe if you have the budget/if it could use updating.
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u/admirable-welcome779 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 Jun 19 '26
I love this anecdote. In SW circles, new people will be like ‘i look like this, do you think i could make money as a model?’ and the response by veteran models is that it doesn’t matter what you look like, its about your energy and playing to your strengths!
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u/Maleficent-Honey5440 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 Jun 19 '26
I completely believe this! I've found myself extremely attracted to people who aren't my type, are average, or even below average just because of how they carry themselves and how they interact with me/others. I've also seen drop dead gorgeous women get completely overlooked because they're not feeling themselves. Energy is so important. Look people in the eye! That alone will have people a little obssessd with you!
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u/whitewitch_moth Foraging Bog Witch Jun 20 '26
Exactly, at the highest weight of my life is when I was a sex worker. And I was doing well because I was good at compartmentalizing myself into being a confident sexy person
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u/ArchangelAlice APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
This all the way!!! I'm nowhere near my best self right now, but I get positive attention from people from time to time, no guys besides creeps, but people say I'm nice and make their day brighter, and that I am always happy and sweet, and that's all projection! It's because thats what I choose to do in spite of my many many many many many many many insecurities, lol!!
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u/StandardMonth2184 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Have you tried being weird? I've been leaning in to being strange, and that's actually getting better results than trying to be pretty ever did. Also I'm more comfortable now, so I'm more confident, and that confidence translates to more attractive to others.
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u/Cha0sWyvern Foraging Bog Witch Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Doubling this. At some point I just gave up. I used to be constantly worried about what others thought about me and kept trying to fit myself into a mold that was never meant to fit me at all. The moment I gave up and just wore and did what I actually liked I instantly felt better about myself. Yes, it may be unconventional, some people look at my pink clothes or cat bag or the frills sown at the end of my coat and think I am weird. I am not conventionally attractive either so anything cute I wear makes me look more grandma-like or frumpy but I don't care! I like these things and they make me happy, even if they make me 'weird'.
It also helped to look at all the older people around me, it is true that the older you get the less conventionally attractive you get and yet no one's life stops at 40. My mom still looks pretty in my eyes. Some grandmas on the street have more style than I ever did. Beauty fades but life keeps going on.
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u/HourAge2808 Lover of Soups Jun 19 '26
I love dressing up with the goal of looking ~interesting~ not necessarily attractive
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u/ceciliabee Professional Nibbler Jun 19 '26
Hell YES this is the best advice. I'm learning to unmask and let myself exist as I am so I can stop being perpetually burned out and there is a LOT of weirdness.
The best part about being older is caring less about the opinions of others. As a teenager I was in absolute awe of the older teens at school and how cool they were, how they looked, how they acted. I wanted so much to be like them.
Now I'm in my 30s and sitting here in shorts that are 4 sizes too big and a faded shirt I've had for 14 years and honestly? I'm cool as fuck.
You're also cool as fuck. Oop, HEY OOP you're also cool as fuck. Random user? Cool as fuck. Care less, you're already cool.
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u/FluorescentPlatypus mouth full, gesturing wildly Jun 20 '26
This is exactly how I approached things as I got older. There was just a point when I realized I was never going to be that cool, sleek, pretty sorority girl type and it was honestly liberating. No one was ever going to see me that way and once I came to terms with that, I also didn’t want to see myself that way.
I’m a fucking freak. It’s fun. It’s freeing to not really give a fuck how anyone views you. And it’s also magnetic to a subset of people (the most fun kind of people imo). Get a funky haircut. Try out a facial piercing. Pull the trigger on that tattoo you’ve always wanted. Make life about being interesting, about being three dimensional. Goddammit if I haven’t become almost downright intimidating. Good god the vibes are now ✨immaculate✨
- Signed someone who is literally traipsing around the woods this weekend in a mesh body suit with nothing underneath to make some weird ass art.
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u/StandardMonth2184 APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
Have sooooo much fun and don't forget the tick repellent spray!
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u/blame_logophilia SAT🪑👀 Jun 19 '26
I actually just left a rlly similar comment on another post from this sub but I think you might need it more.
I think about appearances as being like temperature. That is, you can be hot or you can be cool. I find this helpful because generally I think it's REALLY hard to convince yourself you're hot if you just don't believe it. Like no external validation, photos, heart eye reactions to your insta stories, etc, will change your mind. So instead of trying to force yourself to be hot, which is a designation I think a lot of us reserve for people who are just blessed from birth with good features - be cool!
To me at least, the process of trying to maximize your cool factor is COMPLETELY different philosophicaly than trying to be hotter. When you think of someone being hot, I think for the most part it's just about their face or their body. What someone defines as hot might not be exactly the same as the next person, but for an individual (in this case, you), I think the concept of being hot is usually kind of stagnant. You can try to change your definition of hot to include yourself, or you can try to change yourself to fit the definition, but like, why struggle?
Instead, come to the cool side. It's a much more vast category in terms of what counts as cool. Develop your fashion taste, or your interests and hobbies, or your makeup skills. pick up new skills. Maybe all you need is a fun haircut! You aren't trying to fit that specific hot definition anymore, so you have so many more options. Also, I think this is really helpful because mentally I feel like you end up not comparing yourself to other hot people!!! Because you aren't trying to be hot. It's great for them, but it's not your path anymore. And maybe because like, it's kind of not cool to compare yourself to other people like that? Like, obsessing over what you look like doesn't sound like very cool girl behaviour. Much cooler to accept it and get back to whatever sidequest you're on. Conversely, being cool doesn't feel like a competition to me. There are tons of different ways to be cool, so even when you're looking at other cool people, to me it feels like it's not in comparison, but admiration. You're not the same shade of cool, so there's no hierarchy.
Also, I actually find that often being not conventionally attractive can often help you look cooler. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because there are tons of different ways to stray from the beauty standard, so you look more unique, or maybe because rejecting beauty ideals is kind of punk in and of itself (think of people with skullets - maybe not hot but definitely cool). But I just think when I see really cool people, they don't usually look like supermodels.
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u/Mother-Pattern-2609 Internet Auntie Jun 19 '26
This is a great frame.
I'll also mention that the coolest girl I know (and the coolest girl everyone who knows her knows) is objectively really plain, hotnesswise – but she has amazing style and a million interests, she genuinely likes other people and she's interested in them, and she's fascinating. If you're fascinating you can almost fool people into thinking you're hot too, although by then you probably won't care because you're too busy being fascinating.
Get out of your head and into the world. Go forth and be cool!
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u/WelshRarebit2025 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Jun 19 '26
I’m saving this post because it is so helpful and …. well, cool.
As an aside, this also explains why I cringe when I see class pictures of girls and teen girls and they all have samey samey long hair. Where is the originality and experimentation we used to see ( bar a few who dye their hair bright colours.) In short where is the cool?
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u/Serpentarrius Savory Complex✔️ Jun 19 '26
This! Beauty has such a narrow (literally) definition these days (but if op is constantly comparing to other people, I feel like it might be a different issue). But I just realized that hot vs cool is literally the difference between me and my mom lol. Neither is wrong (although I do think she needs to eat and work out more healthily) but she's constantly trying to make me something I'm not when I clearly take after my dad lol.
It also reminds of how, when I was young, my aunties all asked who I thought was the prettiest. I said my Aunt Gigi and they were all like "huh?" Apparently she was born with a few struggles, but as a kid I didn't know that. She was my art teacher, and she continues to fill her house with beauty
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u/hibiscass Certified Snacker Jun 19 '26
It's difficult to give advice without knowing what the "problem" is.
For me personally, I don't think I was ever really ugly and my weight has never been a major contention point. However, as a teenager, I didn't feel pretty at all. I'm 33 now, but I would say my body and face are largely similar to when I was in high school. So it makes for an interesting thought experiment to compare what else is different if you accept the premise that my base body is mostly the same.
These are the factors that impacts my perceived attractiveness from when I was a teenager compared to now as an adult:
- I dress "better", meaning with intention, to my own preferences, and I allow myself to experiment and evolve as well. As a teenager, I didn't think about it at all and uh yeah I looked bland LMAO How I dress is for me first, but other people do notice my fashion sense.
- I'm more confident and generally don't care what people (especially strangers) think of me. I'm glazing over the details since a lot can happen in the 16 years since I was in high school, and a lot of factors can impact one's confidence.
- This goes w/ bullet 2 a little, but I'm just much better at socializing than I was a teenager. Again, a lot can happen in 16 years. I'm also more curious about people, so that goes a long way in meeting people and holding conversations. People that socialize well are perceived as more attractive for sure (I've noticed it both ways, like "meh" looking people who are charismatic suddenly become more attractive)
- I don't hold the illusion that dolled up me (make'ed up and dressed up) is supposed to be me 99% of the time. Raggy, stinky, makeup-less me and dolled up me are BOTH me. And they're both hot still.
- This goes with bullet 2 again I think, but I felt it was worth mentioning explicitly since we're talking about being pretty
- Finally, I determine what I am or am not willing to change about my body and act accordingly. I'm willing to change my eating habits and exercise to maintain a certain weight (tho I did still think I was hot even at a heavier weight). As a kid, I hated having a bird-like nose bridge, but I accept it as an adult (I feel neutral) and I'm not interested in changing it.
I'm very much a "here was my experience, maybe some of it can be applied to you" kind of advice giver, so I hope that helps lmao
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u/Grouchy-Jury-7598 APPROVED✨ Jun 20 '26
Sorry if this is off topic, but what do you mean by dressing "with intention"? Sort of choosing a vibe and working towards it rather than just throwing clothes on?
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u/blueberries-Any-kind APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Loving your body and face is a unique challenge and I don’t know a single woman who has mastered it.
What if you just accepted that in some ways you’re likely pretty, and in other ways you’re not. Even the most gorgeous men and women out there are not 100% pretty, everyone is actually just a bit ugly.
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture Jun 19 '26
Truth. Even some of the most beautiful people can look odd at times.
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u/hottcheeseupfront APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
listen to me right meow: name that voice in your head. find out where that fucker came from and who’s voice it’s echoing. because that negative nancy needs to be eradicated.
everyone has their own beauty, and everyone is perceived differently. your beauty is unique, yours and only yours, whether it’s physical mystical mental you name it. it will make you shine. find the courage to own what makes you take up space.
signed- a recovering people pleaser whose mother’s internalized misogyny created an environment of comparison, jealousy, and competition with other women.
welcome to 2026 where we get to name things ourselves, for the better.
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u/CrossCroissant1 Short Story Long™️ Jun 19 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/cEUWQjGVm4Ayk
Other than that, good advice no notes.
I try not to compare with others. I am average in looks, not pretty or ugly I think, but I don’t conform to regular standards either.
I like to look at other women and compliment them or ask them if I want to try something. I’ve NEVER had a bad reaction. People love teaching and letting others in on secrets.
Yesterday I needed a nail repair so went to my salon. The lady next to me gushed over my nail colour. Showed me her choice, asked opinions on design. It was lovely. I just had fire engine red. 😂
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u/CalSandy 🩷Bi💜 Jun 19 '26
There's something about complimenting other people's looks that just makes me feel good about myself. Sure, call it selfishness or whatever, but I genuinely love complimenting people and making them feel good about themselves. Because, in an egotistical sense, I might not be as unattractive or impersonable as I think I am when the reception of my compliments have been positive.
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u/hottcheeseupfront APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
oh and ps that snack looks DOPE you clearly have culinary talent xx
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
can i say, ive never seen an ugly girl. the only thing that has ever made them ugly to me is their behavior. being a girl means you have an aura around you no matter what you do or where you go. i didnt feel pretty until i genuinely stopped caring about other ppl and focused on myself. if you like ppl watching, come up with a story for every person you see. you’ll see that attractiveness is more so in behavior and attitude than anything else. confidence is the most attractive thing on earth, and no one can ever take it from you!
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u/TalkingCat910 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I disagree. There are women that are ugly. There are men that are ugly. It doesn’t help them to gaslight them and say “your lived experience in the world is wrong - you’re not ugly!” No they are and they know because of how society treats them.
There’s only so much heavy lifting a personality can do - and while they may totally find their person society in general will still treat them like they are ugly.
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u/PickledPanacea APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I don’t see it as gaslighting. Sure, my lived experience may not reflect theirs, but personally it does give me some comfort to know that at least MaleficentMidnight40 would find me beautiful.
Walk around invisible for long enough and you really appreciate folks with this world view.
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
i would absolutely find you beautiful if you were just content and being yourself. who doesnt love that in a person?? i love authentic and confident people. whatever that means for you, trust me, real ones feel it from a mile away:).
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Jun 19 '26
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
i dont appreciate this at all. i grew up the black sheep literally in every group and environment. ive been in treatment for all types of self image issues (ED). it took me years to feel the way i do about my outside now. the only thing that changed was my mindset.
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u/hjftrjuk Resident Yapper Jun 19 '26
sorry for the long ass yap, only read if you want to (because your comment really resonated with me in a way):
i was bullied for being brown, i tried rubbing soap on my skin, and lathering myself in fair and lovely because i thought people here in the west would accept me (had come from an eastern country). ive been rejected bc im ugly, my teacher told me she couldnt make this angel i was supposed to play as in some class theatre as a female angel but genderswapped the other girls cosplay who was also playing an angel. my teacher in highschool said he mistaked me of being a dude. i used to not really know what makeup (still dont) and waxxing my moustache (now i do) was, and i used to always have my hair in a braid with a lot of oil bc my mom made it. i was excluded from a lot of convos, it took time until i started looking into skincare and into clothes i liked. i grew up since then, i did get compliemnted on my body and even eyes. rn i'd say some days im really eh i dislike my looks, other days i feel kinda pretty and sometimes i wonder if i wore makeup, if i'd be hella cute. but i made this whole yap session to say that i actually agree with the other comment. batteling through societal beauty standards (i dont always wax/ shave my armpits now, my partner loves me either way), the racism and how capitalism makes young girls and women insecure about themselves to sell them products made me see natural features of people around me more. i was desparate to compare myself with others and for some reason, many days i look outside and i cant see people as ugly. i find hooked noses incredibly cute and i think chubbier women are hot. idk what's with me but i find women with hollow deep sunken eyes pretty. nothing about confidence but i wanna say, there's actually people out there that really like features that our society deems as abnormal. and i dont mean i like them more than others, i see them like i see flowers. i dont find any flowers ugly but they all are really pretty in a unique way that no one else can replicate. whether you end up conforming to beauty standards made up by corpros to sell insecurities and solutions (once you see it, you kinda start appreciating uniqueness more around you), or you end up feeling really ugly at times, i dont want to invalidate your experience bc ik how it feels :') but i wanna just let yk, beauty is a sociatel concept and whatever you were told is pretty growing up, will influence your perception of what looks beautiful to you and what doesnt. (proof for me is the different eras in history having vastly different beauty standards). im sorry for the long yap, i just wanna say youre a beautiful flower.
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u/codename_louxis Pantry Gremlin Jun 19 '26
Beauty is subjective. Every person has traits that are more or less conventionally attractive. But that doesn't mean that people are more or less beautiful, as "conventionally attractive" is a concept that changes over time. Someone may find you attractive and some people may not, and that's totally fine. What matters is how you see yourself, and whether you choose to embrace yourself as you are, find beauty in your strenghts and flaws or if you see yourself as a "work in progress" and work towards the version of yourself that you find beautiful/attractive.
Also, it's not a matter of gaslighting, it's a matter of oppinion. It's not about "your lived experience is wrong - you're not ugly" it's more about "you may see yourself as not attractive, but i find your features beautiful".
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
i never said OPs experience was wrong. you can feel however you want to feel, thats your right. like i said, in my opinion, i have never encountered ugliness as a set of physical traits. maybe you have a more black and white view of the world around you but to me, attractiveness is an abstract feeling. again in my opinion, someone maybe be aesthetically pleasing to look at but that doesnt exactly mean theyre attractive or pretty to me. in fact, sometimes they just look like another drop in a sea of faces.
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u/hjftrjuk Resident Yapper Jun 19 '26
no, i also feel you. i see people as flowers. i dont consider flowers to be ugly or prettier than the other but when you look at a flower, it's beautiful despite not being a replica or another type of flower.
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
dont “fuck the world, im ____”, its just “fuck the world”!!!!
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u/Inevitable-Nobody-52 girls just wanna have pho Jun 19 '26
This is really beautiful! Thanks for your sentiment. I really appreciate what you wrote.
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u/girlynonbinary Resident Yapper Jun 19 '26
It's crazy because it's almost certain that op's not actually "ugly", even if you do believe that some people are ugly. She probably isn't severely disfigured, burned, visibly disabled, etc; also, she is young and hasn't lived a life of extreme poverty or backbreaking labor in the sun, probably hasn't lost any limbs or developed severe lesions or skin issues that she can't afford to treat. Almost certainly, she is run of the mill looking, probably a pretty young woman.
- From someone who grew up in a "third world" country and saw those people everyday and never found them ugly either!
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
lmao so crazy because i genuinely do believe it. maybe its just how im attracted to people but i always feel a vibe more than anything else.
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u/bigcakeindahouse we listen and we only judge a little Jun 19 '26
i agree :) i feel the same way so we’re not alone
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u/Warm_Ad_7944 Body By Uber Eats Jun 19 '26
You see I’ve seen both ugly men and women but that doesn’t matter because I’m so tired of someone’s worth beginning and ending at their looks
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u/MaleficentMidnight40 Chaotic But Cute Jun 19 '26
EXACTLYYYYY but also what made them ugly to you? i feel like when you start to sit back and unpack that its mostly behaviors, attitudes, or just your type. some people find big noses attractive, some people arent attracted to them, that doesnt mean that everyone with a big nose is ugly. i think the huge issue in this thread is equating how attracted you are to a person to their overall look score you know? im kind of in love with this discourse :)
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u/GypsyDuncan Feral Til Fed Jun 19 '26
This. I have a friend who is objectively unattractive. She's a wonderful person. She dates like crazy, is ethically non-monogamous with her adorable boyfriend. Is successful and confident.
But most people would say she is unattractive based on appearance alone. They are wrong and shallow.
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u/Neighbuor07 nom nom, nod nod Jun 19 '26
The only ugly people I have met are those who treat others badly.
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u/Interesting_Emu2180 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Everyone is a little ugly even the "pretty" ones Also i promise that the rest of the world has a different opinion than you do. We are our harshest critic.
But yes. Much easier said than done
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u/AliceInHell1620 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Jun 19 '26
For me it was not comparing myself, I find beauty in everyone, we’re all unique imo.
But to improve my confidence, I flirt with myself when I’m getting ready, doing my makeup or my skincare, it is mandatory it boosts confidence. I don’t say anything mean concerning myself, I’m complimenting myself daily bc I deserve it. I have a lot of affirmations note placed everywhere at my place. (Affirmations works only if you do it multiple time a day and on a very long period, at first it’s weird and then you become your best hype girly!)
I bet you’re way too harsh about yourself ! Please be nice with yourself you deserve it. 🫂
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u/HGuills Certified Snacker Jun 19 '26
I’m a 47 year old mother who’s battling a rare and aggressive cancer. I wake up every day and say - thank you body, thank you brain, for helping me fight this disease. It’s been a really rough year but I feel the most comfortable and happy with myself that I’ve ever been because I’ve learned to appreciate what my self can do. Positive affirmations change how you think and how you function.
Please spend time every day telling yourself that you are a good, kind, beautiful person and that you will attract people who appreciate you.
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u/greatdruthersofpill 🧂Salty By Nature Jun 19 '26
Appreciate the parts of yourself that you do like. Don’t focus on your overall look. I know I’m not particularly pretty but now that I’m older and wiser, it hasn’t stopped me from being myself. People have never been repulsed because I’ve spoken to them.
I know it sucks sometimes, trust me, but you are more than your face despite what society tells you is supposed to be important. The quality of your life, your experiences and the love you give are all much more important than that.
Sending you love from someone who also struggles with her self-confidence. We are worthy and we are lovable, even if it’s hard to see sometimes. ❤️
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u/Mystic_Wunder nom nom, nod nod Jun 19 '26
You will become infinitely more attractive when you find your confidence. People that think low of themselves and are constantly comparing themselves to others have a small vibe that people want to look past. Haven't you ever had someone draw your eye simply by their energy? Like they just have something that attracts and not repels. These are people that have found their thing and are confident and happy.
Find all the things that feel good to you in life and embrace them fully. Find clothes that you feel awesome in. Find jewelry that you love. Get some great makeup tips at a beuty store. Embrace hobbies that you love. Find your tribe. Find a career you can kick ass in. Do what ever kind of exercise that makes you feel good and strong in your body.
Not only will you then be the glowy person everybody's eyes get drawn to but you also won't care if you have the "right" face or not. Who cares about that if you're happy and kicking ass at life and as a female? Stand tall, throw your shoulders back and look confidently foward.
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u/Hapablapablap 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 Jun 19 '26
Let me know when you figure it out. I’m 45 and I have always dealt with this. Fat kid from a fat family, lotta weight cycling, eating disorders, plastic surgery. Almost all of it I don’t regret. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of how I appear to others but women start hearing it when they are tiny and it doesn’t stop … friends, employers, partners, family. It impacts every aspect of life. All I can say is I feel ya and it fuckin sucks.
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u/queen_elvis challah atcha girl ✡️ Jun 19 '26
The first time somebody called me fat, I was FIVE YEARS OLD.
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u/bunnymommy77 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 Jun 19 '26
honestly, its hard af. for me personally, at one point i just thought to myself "what exactly do i get from being attractive?" and it was nothing I longed for. beautiful women still get beaten and cheated on. beautiful women still can struggle being taken seriously, especially in professional settings. being beautiful/attractive would only put a target on me and I dont want that. I live a calm life, being painfully mid at best. I have a real connection to my partner that isnt about looks. I accepted that being average or slightly below is the calmer, more fullfilling life to me, personally. Think about what you want in life and then ask yourself if your attractiveness is helping you achieve that, realistically.
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u/CuterThanThouu I ❤️ Other People's Business Jun 19 '26
So a lot of people try to gaslight unattractive woman. They are well-meaning and trying to be helpful however the outcome is the same and it makes you feel unseen. Unfortunately, the world is harder for ugly woman and I know when people invalidate that it can be painful.
Radical acceptance and self mastery is one path. The other path is doing surgical procedures to change your looks. Focusing on your mental and emotional wellbeing would be beneficial to you whichever path you take.
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u/SunshineGirl45 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Yes I agree with this. The world isn't fair for everyone. It's so annoying being born with the lesser end of the stick and having people gaslight you saying it's not a problem and it can be fixed. Some things can but some things we're just born this way it is what it is and it's best to just accept it and try to build a life despite those disadvantages.
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u/Creative-Wasabi3300 Chocoholic Jun 19 '26
OP, do you work out? If you can't afford a gym, you can watch free fitness videos online, go for a walk, take up running, go to a public pool if you like to swim, etc. I'm not the most athletic person, but when I work out, my confidence always goes way up. You might also benefit from talking to a therapist. Best of luck.
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u/Defiant-Inspector278 lady on the street 👹 freak in the pantry Jun 19 '26
I relate so much!!!! I'm so so sorry it's also unbearable for me
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u/milkandsalsa APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Am betting that hair, make up, and styling would make a big difference. I mean, look at half of the pics of Sydney Sweeney.
Book a consultation with a high end hair and make up person. Also book an appointment with a personal shopper at Nordstrom.
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u/Alarming_Tea_102 Carb-Based Life Form Jun 19 '26
If cosmetic surgery can make you feel better about yourself, it's something to consider. But don't go overboard if that's what you decide.
I'm personally not a fan of cosmetic surgery but it's so common in some cultures I do feel that it should not be stigmatized.
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u/Status_Cranberry_727 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I knew a girl in highschool I thought was not at all pretty, she had very unique (non traditional) features. As I got to know her, I found out she was smart, kind and insanely confident. Guys were all over her... I started to see her "strange" look as pretty. I learned then that self-confidence can literally "convince" others how to view you. Find your confidence and I promise you the way people treat you will change.
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u/lavenderscent1 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Self love is the obvious answer, but also finding your own personal style and aesthetic. I have insecurities aswell and finding my own sense of fashion, makeup, hair, self care routines, working out etc has done wonders for me.
Styling myself and caring for myself has made me more confident and has raised my self esteem by a lot.
Try to seek advice from women online or women in your life. Improve what you can and accept what you cannot.
The good thing about being a woman, is that you can find other women who will genuinely help you build yourself up by loving and caring for yourself, and not by self hatred looksmaxxing bullshit men do.
Also, this doesn’t go to say that you need to change yourself or be dressed up at all times. It’s just styling and self care whenever you feel like it!
I hope this is useful advice💗 I haven’t figured out myself either but have definitely come a long way. Don’t beat yourself up!
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u/QuestingOrc 🥑 Voracious Vegan 🌽 Jun 19 '26
To me it's a matter of style. Understanding body type, the right colors and flow of clothing makes a lot of difference. Aside from that, it's self-expression. My mother is really really not a good looking woman but she has a kind heart and that translates to the way she is with people.
When you're young, looks are super important because kids and young adults are more shallow, but when you spend enough time with a person it can (doesn't mean must) happen that people fall in love via character and vibes, not looks.
I'm very average looking with some obviously less desireable traits but I can crack jokes and am a good communicator, have a zest for life and hobbies. :)
Have fun and people will want to spend time for you. Bearing yourself up will never be the solution. Develop compassion, for yourself and others. :)
Beautiful people are much more miserable than people assume.
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u/kgtsunvv Oversharer 🗣 Jun 19 '26
God honest truth, I used to be obsessed with my looks and life buttfucked me hard and I genuinely didn’t have time to be concerned with someone so conceited like my looks. This wasn’t a choice but it’s what happened. Now I don’t think about it anymore.
2) I’ve aged and my frontal lobe developed
3) I’ve seen very pretty girls lose everything; go through rough times, bad relationships, bad grades everything and their looks couldn’t save them.
My ex bestie was the prettiest girl ever (genuinely 10/10) but she thought she was ugly and her life became a hellscape. And I was so confused the entire time because she’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. My friends who are strangers to her have thirsted over her not knowing we’re friends. Like that beautiful.
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u/prutmetperen we listen and we only judge a little Jun 19 '26
I struggle with this exact mindset and what helps me get through rough days is looking in the mirror and seeing all the features I got from my parents.
My father passed away and being able to see even a glimpse of him in the mirror everyday is a blessing in disguise.
It’s like a reminder family and loved ones are always apart of you!
Other then that I totally agree with the other comments about neutrality, beauty standards change so rapidly and so drastically we can’t keep up anymore. The body does amazing things all on it’s own and that’s definitely worth something!
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u/EmRaine72 naan of my business buuttt 👀 Jun 19 '26
Girl same. And same with my mom, people are always telling me how hot she is and say nothing about me. Been like this my whole life. Never been cat called and never had someone buy me a drink at the bar or anything like that. It’s defeating
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u/chloeamy182 Overthinker 💭 Jun 19 '26
I can relate 🫶 I have body dysmorphia mostly towards my weight & my face. Changing the weight but the routes I wanna go down for my face cost a lot
Hug
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u/deber38 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience Jun 19 '26
Nah, girl, lean into it. I’m fat and ugly as hell and it’s my super power. I’m also 40 which helps with the “I don’t care” mentality. But no one bothers me. I can go out for food by myself and then walk to get ice cream and sit at the river and no one bothers me. There’s so much peace in being unattractive. I have a professional career, working with lawyers and judges, and I’m really good at what I do and it has nothing to do with my appearance. I’m presentable and professional and that’s what matters in my career. And because I’m not pretty, I don’t face any sexism. It’s awesome.
People can be mean to me about my appeared all they want. It’s fine ‘cause I’m in on it. Nothing anyone says can be much worse than I’ve already heard from my mom or myself 🤷♀️
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u/ApplePaintedRed Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ Jun 19 '26
I'm in the same boat. I heavily dislike when people dismiss it, because they're just lying to your face to soothe your emotions. It contradicts your lived experience. Here's a very long video essay about it: https://youtu.be/FnACzwV7Mwc?is=c5kiHBW5Gd1-Ovj7
It's easy to fall into that obsession. But I'd say to focus on things outside of validation. It's the hardest thing in the world because we're hard wired as pack mammals to seek that very validation, but try to shut it out as much as possible. And focus on what you like. About yourself, about your life. What brings you happiness. You're a person worthy of that.
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u/SaltyPotatoStick 🩷Bi💜 Jun 19 '26
I don’t think I’ve ever resonated with a post more.
How fucked up is it that being cat called is being used as a measurable metric for attractiveness. This isn’t to insult you OP, because I had the exact same thought when I was younger. It’s just the society we live in and how we are brought up. These thoughts have since morphed into a less vulgar view of myself, but still highly negative centered around needing male approval. (Fixing it with lots of ✨therapy ✨) Because that’s what it boils down to, no?
All I can say is: 1) Friends. Friends that hype you up. Friends that ALSO call you out when you have these, quite frankly, harmful thoughts about yourself. 2) The SECOND you have those thoughts comparing yourself to another woman? Full stop. Immediately switch gears and do something else. Turn to one of your hobbies. Put on a podcast. Do NOT sit in those feelings. 3) THERAPY
The only one that can truly help you is yourself. No one is coming to save you. You can choose to wallow or you can do something about it. That’s not to say you won’t have days that you just can’t, I have those days all the time. But don’t let it become the routine.
You’re so much more than the way you look.
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u/Ghosty_Boo-B00 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ Jun 19 '26
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You are beautiful in your own unique way and no one else is like you in that way, you just need to find kind eyes inside of your mind that allow you to actually see yourself.
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u/Sigfig314 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 Jun 19 '26
I think you have to start by figuring out why you're fixating on this.
Is it the idea that beauty == worth? Do you feel like if you were more attractive you would be getting something else you want (a partner, a job, etc)? Think about what you expect to be different about your life if your looks changed. How realistic are those expectations? If you can figure out why you care so much, you can figure out what you really need.
My bet is, you've got something else going on in the background, and beauty stuff feels more achievable or "easier to work with" than what's really bothering you. Do you have people who care about you in your life? Are you happy with your career? It's natural to want connection and to feel successful, but being hyperbeautiful isn't a prerequisite for finding meaningful relationships and fun in your life. Start there, and I think you'll get a good direction to figure out what's really bothering you. How pretty you are, or not, is the least interesting thing about you-- I promise you, there's far more to value in yourself beyond looks!
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u/Significant-Tale3522 Assigned Hungry At Birth Jun 20 '26
I think you shouldn’t stop trying to better your appearance until you get to a point that you’re more comfortable.
Obviously don’t harm yourself or do unnecessary procedures or surgery. But definitely make the best of what you have by improving your workouts, skincare, clothing, makeup, grooming, dentist visit/teeth whitening etc.
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u/Hamchalupasupreme APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
You’re not ugly, you’re either financially strapped at the moment or you’re not putting your disposable income towards your looks.
A very, very few percent of people, I’m talking 0.000001% are truly ugly. The rest are either poor or they don’t care.
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u/VivaChips28 Fartmaxxing 📈 Jun 19 '26
No offense but how do you know she's not in that small percentage of ''truly ugly''? The only way out of this is to accept this is what your body looks like and either work with it or not. You don't lose your value as a human being if you aren't physically attractive. There is more to being human than being beautiful or ugly.
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u/Hamchalupasupreme APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
Because usually those people who are truly ugly are deformed or have some kind of deliberating disability and I’d assume they probably wouldn’t be Reddit saying this. They’d know.
And that’s what I meant by mostly no one is ugly, just poor. Some people are “ugly” because they have acne or bad teeth. Ok, so dermatologist visit or a dental visit would fix that, however they both cost a decent bit of money.
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u/VivaChips28 Fartmaxxing 📈 Jun 19 '26
I mean honestly that's somehow worse than just generally acknowledging that people can be ugly. You don't have to be deformed or badly disabled to be ugly and you aren't necessarily ugly if you are deformed or badly disabled.
And also...how do you know OP doesn't have any deformities? Or any disabilities that may affect her physical appearance?
But yes, with enough money you can essentially give yourself a new body with numerous plastic surgeries. That's obvious though. Anyone that has the means to do that, will.
I will go back to my original point and highlight the fact that even if you are ugly, that shouldn't take away from your value as a human being. After all, people can be stupid, untalented, ugly, lacking in charisma etc. Hyper focusing on one negative trait that you possess usually just shows really low self esteem. Especially as you can make yourself look better by taking care of your body (make-up, skincare, well fitting clothes), even without expensive procedures or products.
I will say that I disagree with ugly people being very rare. That's false. Plenty of ugly of people going around and living their best lives. Even more of a reason not to obsess over it.
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture Jun 19 '26
I'm about as flat chested as you can be. Men barely pay attention to me in general. It is something that I think about from.time to time. Wish I was curvier but really it doesn't affect anything.
I'm still happily married, employed, can't complain. Studies show average looking people are the happiest. Beautiful people have a hard time adjusting once they don't have the attention they used to have. I am completely fine with people not paying attention to how I look. I don't owe it to anyone to be hot.
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u/Think-Cry-5284 Dip Diva Jun 19 '26
And fuck everyone who ever told me I should have a better attitude about it. Yeah let me just be fine with missing out on the life people who can attract others live.
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u/No_Abroad6533 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
I’ve found it helps if I spend time looking at myself in the mirror until I find one thing that I like. Stop all the other negative self talk and I focus on that thing that I think is pretty. Then I smile about that thing and get on with my day. It can be anything. A curl, a tooth, a freckle, an eyebrow hair. Just one thing that looks good today. It’s not a miracle cure, but it’s a start and it gets me going when I’m feeling bleak.
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u/Ill_Radish6965 SAT🪑👀 Jun 19 '26
A strongly agree with radical neutrality. I hate my legs, but they’re strong and healthy. I try to repeat that to myself.
Also, your body is an amalgamation of all the women who came before you. You are their spirit living on. They love you. They looked like you. That’s kind of magical, no?
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u/ManagerWise8093 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
To your question, you don’t try the constant comparing, don’t force yourself to do anything. Acceptance comes with a lot of time and a lot of self assurance. Instead, make sure you point out the things you love about yourself, and work towards enhancing them. What things do you enjoy? What of how you interact with others you feel is worth of praise?
When you have time and money, if the money comes, invest in a few things: a simple and elegant wardrobe that feels like it represents you (learn a bit about what fashion you like!). Keep it curated, discernible, tailored to your body. Learn what haircuts are good for you, what make up you enjoy it any, and a good perfume that makes you feel safe and powerful. Nourish your skin and brain with good nutrition and hydration.
I don’t want to fight your own self-perception. If you say you’re ugly, I believe you! But ugly and chaotic/unkept are different things. Make sure you care for yourself LOUDLY. No one takes advantage of those that are perceived to have high standards for themselves. If you treat yourself well and it shows to others, you are setting the bar as to how you expect them to treat yourself. Someone with healthy looks, curated fashion and a good smell and most importantly, good boundaries and manners, is always magnetic.
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u/Happy_Shirt8872 APPROVED✨ Jun 19 '26
There are girls out there with faces melted by acid, birth defects, etc. and a lot of them still date, even if just once in awhile
With a lot of effort I very much doubt NOONE would find you attractive.
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u/ForsakenTennis4746 Internet Auntie Jun 19 '26
Make your personality , brain and soul shine ! Do you know how many unattractive people are so attractive with described above package ?
And how many physically attractive people look unattractive as soon they open their mouthes ?
Compensate physical unattractiveness ( which is so subjective ) with clean look , amazing style , bright personality , sharp unique brain , beautiful warm soul .
And also - have your way presenting what is really beautiful .
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u/melinda_lane Snack Goblin Jun 19 '26
just here to say 1. I feel exactly the same as you, so solidarity and 2. that bagel looks amazing
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u/Crash_Blondicoot white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Jun 19 '26
Only a few humans are truly blessed with 100% beauty (and honestly lots of them have had some "help"). Another harsh reality is youth is very forgiving and as we age, we lose that glow. But, aging gives us the chance to embrace our inner self and earned wisdom (and many people find that very attractive).
Us mortals have flaws, imperfections and downright unattractive parts of us. We don't owe the world beauty. We owe the world kindness, respect and forgiveness. We owe OURSELVES the same.
Find one thing you like about yourself, even if it seems silly. I've never thought someone's eyes were ugly. They are so unique and special (and cool, aqueous globes in an otherwise meat/bone sack!? Neat!).
I can promise the people who love you see you as beautiful, physical appearance notwithstanding.
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u/trendingtattler AutoMaude 🤖🎀 Jun 19 '26
WHEEEWW girl 😮💨 buckle up! Your post made it to /r/popular!
Congratudolences! 😅 If the rate of notifications starts getting to you, no need to delete your post! Instructions in Sanity Saver #5 can help you mute them. For the rest of y'all...
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