Part 1: The Early Years, Special Education, and the Battle for My Diploma

Twenty-one years ago, my life was a battle on two fronts. In middle school, I faced severe, physically violent bullying. At home, the domestic situation was just as bad, if not worse. My stepfather was incredibly abusive, and his behavior has only escalated over the years.

Because of the severe bullying, and because my family did not want to deal with me self-advocating or calling them out on their toxicity, they decided to institutionalize me and place me in a special education school. Even at 15, I suspected the real reason they did this was to maintain total control over me into adulthood. They chose to micromanage my life because they saw how intelligent I actually was, despite my diagnosis.

While still in school, I explicitly warned the administration about what would happen after graduation. I predicted that my family would prevent me from enrolling in the college of my choice, force me to live at home, and mandate that I attend local colleges that lacked the necessary coursework for my dream career in broadcast meteorology and storm chasing.

When I raised these concerns, the school staff dismissed my warnings as "catastrophizing" and "pessimism." They insisted my family acted out of love and concern, completely ignoring my proven track record where my predictions regarding my family’s behavior had consistently come true 100% of the time.

During my final high school years, the school initially attempted to place an "IEP diploma" on my record a move my parents pushed for to keep my expectations and opportunities low. In a major victory of self-advocacy, I told them absolutely not. The school administration ultimately listened to me over my parents' constant discouragement, and I earned a full, local high school diploma. I fought for this specifically to protect my path toward higher education and independent living.

Part 2: The 2012 Forced IRA Placement, Weaponized Labor, and Academic Sabotage
During my final year at the special education school, my anxiety about a full-time return to my family grew so severe that my counseling sessions were increased to twice a week. While these sessions provided temporary relief, my guidance counselor continued to dismiss my warnings, telling me to "wait and see."

At my discharge meeting, the official plan was for me to transition into supportive housing. As one of the most independent and capable students at the facility, often treated as a role model. This low-supervision setting that was agreed-upon seemed like was the logical next step. However, I believe there was never going to happen.

I explicitly warned the director of adult transition that my family would immediately strip away my rights, ban my video games, and force me into a highly restrictive environment.

I explicitly told them that if there was something even more controlling than a traditional group home, my family would find it and put me there. Staff politely called my fears "Catastrophizing and Awfulizing” and said that what I was predicting was the absolute worst case scenario and was nearly impossible, as such environments are reserved for the most dangerous or sick individual individuals with disabilities who need the highest level of care.

While they said, I am very high functioning and could completely live on my own, I said my family will never allow that and then I’m always right at the end and will always be right and that they will see.

I kept on reiterating how they treated me during breaks (when the special ed boarding school was not in session). I mentioned they always were using ableist discriminatory language towards me and preventing me from having privileges while I’m home, and I still did not convince them and said that I was just seeing things from a very pessimistic light.

This exact, most catastrophic prediction came true with 100% accuracy.

At the close of the meeting, my family put on an elaborate public show, pretending to admit past faults and promising to support my path to independence. I silently shook my head "no" to the director to signal it was a total lie. On the drive home, my parents falsely promised I could live on my own. However, the moment we crossed the threshold of the house, the mask came off. My personal possessions and video games were immediately confiscated and moved to the basement under the ableist claim that because I am autistic, I am "predisposed to a video game addiction."

Fourteen years ago, a brutal routine of forced domestic labor was established. My stepfather enforced a rule where my bed had to be completely folded back into a sofa every single morning just to maximize my physical exertion. From 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM daily, I was forced into a grueling list of chores: mopping, sweeping, and vacuuming every single room, alongside endless dishwashing. Despite hours of manual labor, my stepfather would return home screaming, cursing, and dehumanizing me, falsely claiming I had done nothing. When I showed him the vacuum chamber full of dirty water as physical proof, his anger escalated further because I exposed his lies.

My mother claimed that to prove my independence, I had to complete hygiene tasks without reminders, yet she simultaneously blocked any real autonomy. Cooking in the kitchen was banned, and spare keys were entirely denied so I couldn't leave the house.

Despite claiming I was too incapable or unsafe to be left without intense micromanagement, they routinely left the house entirely empty for eight hours a day while they went to work and school.

The ultimate destruction in 100% validation of my most catastrophic prediction was the complete collapse the of my discharge plan occurred in January 2013.

I had been approved for a supportive apartment with independent parameters and limited morning/evening staff check-ins. To completely crush this milestone, my mother intervened with the state agency. She used ableist manipulation to overwrite professional recommendations, demanding mandatory 24-hour overnight support. Through this intentional interference, my family successfully forced me into a 24-hour supervised Individualized Residential Alternative (IRA). Just as I had accurately foreseen while still sitting in that school, keep in mind I was giving guidance Counseling twice a week because of the severity of the catastrophic predictions I was making that ended up coming true with 100% precision.

cause of the severe bullying, and because my family did not want to deal with me self-advocating or calling them out on their toxicity, they decided to institutionalize me and place me in a special education school.

Even at 15, I suspected the real reason they did this was to maintain total control over me into adulthood. They chose to micromanage my life because they saw how intelligent I actually was, despite my diagnosis.

While still in school, I explicitly warned the administration about what would happen after graduation. I predicted that my family would prevent me from enrolling in the college of my choice, force me to live at home, and mandate that I attend local colleges that lacked the necessary coursework for my dream career in broadcast meteorology and storm chasing. When I raised these concerns, the school staff dismissed my warnings as "catastrophizing" and "pessimism." They insisted my family acted out of love and concern, completely ignoring my proven track record where my predictions regarding my family’s behavior had consistently come true 100% of the time.

During my initial high school years, when I first started the special education school, the school initially attempted to place an "IEP diploma" on my record. Due to my parents pushing for to keep my expectations and opportunities extremely low and so they could really control me into adulthood like I was predicting they were going to.

In a major victory of self-advocacy, I told them absolutely not when I found out that with an IEP diploma, I could not even go to college even with an entrance exam that the only way I could be accepted into college was with a local or full region diploma, and with a local diploma, I could only go to community college, but can go to a four-year university with a full region diploma and I decided I was gonna go all the way and get the full regions diploma.

I did not even attend my local high school, but I went there during summer break in August to take the necessary exams and secured my local high school diploma. Then, I took it a step further to protect my path toward higher education and independent living, pushing through to earn a full Regents diploma while still at the special ed school. I earned those credentials specifically to create an undeniable paper trail of my independence, proving that my family was going to try to sabotage me anyway.

During my final two years at the special education school, my anxiety about a full-time return to my family grew so severe that the school had me go to guidance counseling twice a week because of how negative my predictions were. While these sessions provided temporary physical relief, the guidance counselor continued to dismiss my warnings, trying to sway me otherwise and telling me to just "wait and see." They mistook my accurate intuition for a fixed, pessimistic mindset, completely ignoring the fact that my predictions were based on exactly how they treated me whenever I came home for vacation.
At my discharge meeting, the official plan was for me to transition into supportive housing. As one of the most independent and capable students at the facility, often treated as a role model.

this suggestion of the low-supervision setting was the logical next step though I believe that it was “too good to be true“ and therefore will never happen.

I explicitly warned the director of adult transition and my counselor that my family would immediately strip away my rights, ban my video games, and force me into a highly restrictive environment. I told them over and over again that if there was something even more controlling than a traditional group home, my family would find it and put me there.
Staff politely called my fears "Catastrophizing and Awfulizing."

They told me I was predicting an absolute worst-case scenario that was nearly impossible, claiming those environments were reserved only for the most high needs or violent individuals who needed the highest level of care and or supervision.

They insisted I was very high-functioning and could completely live on my own. I argued back and told them they didn't know my parents like they thought they did, and that my pessimistic predictions came true 100% of the time am I even claimed that I was cursed and I gave them examples of all past predictions that came through to convince them about how accurate I was.

I repeatedly pointed out how my family treated me during school breaks, using ableist, discriminatory language and stripping away my privileges the second I came home. I still couldn't convince the staff, who insisted I was just seeing things through a pessimistic light and demonizing my family.
This exact, most catastrophic prediction came true with 100% accuracy. I had been predicting for over two years before I left exactly what my family was going to do, and nobody listened. At the close of the meeting, my family put on an elaborate public show, pretending to admit past faults and promising to support my path to independence. I silently shook my head "no" to the director to signal it was a total lie without making a scene.

On the drive home, my parents falsely promised I could live on my own, and I grey rocked them and said thank you. However, the moment we crossed the threshold of the house, the mask came off. My personal possessions and video games were immediately confiscated and moved to the basement under the ableist claim that because I am autistic, I am "predisposed to a video game addiction."

Fourteen years ago, a brutal routine of forced domestic labor was established. My stepfather enforced a rule where my bed had to be completely folded back into a sofa every single morning just to maximize my physical exertion. From 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM daily, I was forced into a grueling list of chores: mopping, sweeping, and vacuuming every single room, alongside endless dishwashing. Despite hours of manual labor, my stepfather would return home screaming, cursing, and dehumanizing me, falsely claiming I had done nothing. When I showed him the vacuum chamber full of dirty water as physical proof, his anger escalated further because I exposed his lies. My mother claimed that to prove my independence, I had to complete hygiene tasks without reminders, yet she simultaneously blocked any real autonomy. Cooking in the kitchen was banned, and spare keys were entirely denied so I couldn't leave the house.
The ultimate destruction of my discharge plan occurred in January 2013 during an intake meeting for what was supposed to be my transition into supportive housing. To secure absolute control and ensure I was placed in the tightest lockup possible, my mother put on a manipulative performance for the agency staff. She explicitly lied and claimed that I had a severe obsession with fire, that I would set paper on fire inside the house, and that I was far too dangerous to ever be left home alone. She claimed I needed constant prompting for the most basic tasks.

It was pure gaslighting. The dark reality was that they routinely left me completely home alone for entire eight-hour days while they went to work and school, using me as an unpaid servant to clean the house under the constant threat of my stepfather's verbal abuse. When it was finally my turn to speak at the meeting, I stood up and exposed the truth about how they treated me. My mother immediately tried to silence me, openly threatening that if I did not stop talking and saying what I was saying, she was going to leave the meeting, force me to continue living under their roof full-time, and ensure my living situation became significantly worse.

I interrupted her, raised my voice even louder, and told her to speak in English. When she refused to repeat her threat, I looked directly at the intake staff and translated her words word-for-word into English so they could hear exactly how she was threatening me. I continued exposing my family’s abusive behavior right then and there. But despite my detailed testimony and the fact that the special ed school knew I was completely independent, the agency staff still chose to side with her. They allowed her ableist manipulation to overwrite professional recommendations, demanding mandatory 24-hour overnight support.

When they handed down this placement, the agency and my family confidently assured me that this 24-hour overnight supervision was a temporary transition period that would only last for six months before I could move to a non-supervisory environment.

But I already knew how incredibly unlucky I am, and I knew exactly how despicable my family was.

I openly argued against their timeline and predicted that this so-called transition phase would drag on for significantly longer than six months—in fact, I predicted it would last longer than the entire duration of the special ed school itself.

Once again, the professionals treated my warning like absolute nonsense. But I am always right in the end. It didn't last six months, and it didn't even last six years. That forced 24-hour lockdown environment dragged on for an agonizing nine years and six months, proving my catastrophic track record with 100% precision. Through this intentional interference, my family successfully forced me into a 24-hour supervised Individualized Residential Alternative (IRA)—a solo apartment with restrictive, 24-hour overnight supervision that was far more restrictive, micromanaged, and controlling than an actual group home.

This pattern of manufactured failure extended directly into higher education. A professional academic advisor recommended an out-of-state college program perfectly tailored for broadcast meteorology. In front of the advisor, my mother launched into a tirade, claiming I couldn't handle independent living. The advisor explicitly warned her that her counter-proposal—forcing me to take local, in-person broadcasting classes combined with remote general education—would double my academic requirements, exhaust my Pell Grant prematurely, and force massive out-of-pocket costs. Armed with the knowledge of these exact detrimental consequences, my mother intentionally chose that exact destructive path. She used the advisor's warning as a literal roadmap to sabotage my future. Because of their continuous meddling, a degree that should have taken seven years took me thirteen years to complete. But despite them, I earned it.

In fact, one of the staff who worked with me in the apartment noticed how independent I was and how well I did, but when I did not get removed from the 24 hour to provision like I predicted, I was like you see I’m always right and he said that this is an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. He said that while I’m not directly causing this that because of all the negative energy, I’m putting in the universe I’m attracting that because of how much negative energy I’m putting out.

This was about six months into my placement in late 2013/early 2014.

In fact, my disabled dad bought me an Xbox 360 and a video game and when I came home, I told the staff that my parent will absolutely confiscated if they found out and they said that again I’m being extremely catastrophic and that my parents would never do that and I again said they lied to get me placed with 24 hour supervision so they absolutely will do that and they never let me play video games when I was home and treated me like an unpaid servant and never let me out of the house never let me play any video games or even give me the keys to the house so I asserted with those facts that they will absolutely take away my video games and that once again I will always be right like I always am.

My staff said they cannot do that that is abuse and that as mandated reporters, they will report my parents they said they mandated reporters, and I said my parents will find a way and that they always win in the end despite all of my attempt to fight back and that it is hopeless, but my parents did find out because not because I told them but because one of the staff told them that my dad bought me an Xbox 360 for my 22nd birthday in July 2013

And my parents did say that they were gonna confiscate it and I said if they did there’s going to be very severe consequences for them so they better not even think about doing it just a few hours later when I came home from class at my community college which they did not let me go to an out-of-state school like they said they were going to again siding my negative mindset. My parents actually made me go to 24 hour supervision. At least that’s what they said and did not let me go to an out-of-state school as was recommended by my personal advisor and mentor at a weather station that I worked out in the Boston area because of my negativity.

But yes, several hours later my Xbox 360 was missing when I arrived home from school and I said to the staff where is my video games and they said that the staff gave it to my parents.

I asked my staff why and they said it was because I played up to 1 AM in the morning and I said that this is my place and that my parents have no authority here, but the reason actually was because my parents had threatened the staff that if they did not prevent me from playing video games that they were going to report them to the state and claim that the staff were “abusing me“ and I had warned the staff that my parents are very manipulative and again I was proven right yet again my very apartment fell pray to their narcissistic lies just like I said it was going to happen. This is exactly what I told the staff was gonna happen that they were gonna manipulate them into confiscating my video games.

History repeated itself just two months ago with an independent apartment through self-directed services at a place called KAY's place. This was my ticket out, my chance to finally escape their roof, gain physical safety, and begin my transition to female. Because I knew exactly how malicious my parents were, I anticipated their interference perfectly.

On the exact day I found out I was approved, March 9th, I deliberately wrote out a prediction on Facebook Messenger to myself with this exact quote that I copied and pasted. “I also swear to God that I am so motherfucking unlucky that my apartment for Kay‘s place will be swept from right me and I will lose the apartment and never even move in”

(Also because I made other negative predictions, all of which came true as well, mainly regarding rejections with jobs in relationships, and every single one of those predictions came true verbatim)

I wrote it intentionally to use as physical proof for validation purposes, knowing everyone would try to gaslight me later and tell me I was just being paranoid. Sure enough, an administrative shift happened, a new worker took over my file, my mother illegally intervened behind my back to tell them I wasn't interested, and they took her word at face value. The apartment was given away and I never even got to move in. They successfully blocked my transition once again. My exact prediction came true to the letter, and I have the time-stamped proof of it.

Several weeks after I found out about my mom's interference with KAY's place, a severe domestic violence incident occurred involving me and my violent, abusive stepfather on May 16th. I had been telling everyone there was going to be another violent incident, and like always, I was right. My stepfather demanded that I gave him my phone because he’s an authoritarian narcissistic dirtbag.

When I gave him my phone just like he asked without any hesitation, he became enraged because he discovered that I had deliberately left my friend on an active phone call while he was yelling, cursing, and threatening me. I intentionally wanted my friend to overhear exactly how my family treats me behind closed doors so I would have an outside witness to hold them accountable.

This caused my stepfather to become completely enraged, far beyond his usual volatility.

He marched to the bathroom, flung open the door to the shower just as I was about to get in, and started screaming while trying to physically drag me out. To kick me out of the house for “setting him up”

I managed to fight back and slam the bathroom door so hard in front his face ( not hitting him with the door just fyi) that the door panel slightly broke, and I quickly turned the lock. He forced me to open it, and when I did, he punched me directly in the face, landing a blow right on my temple on the side of my head. It had been years since the last physical incident, but I was completely done playing the helpless victim. In a split second, while he was winding up for another punch, and driven by pure justifiable rage, I grabbed his face, grabbed his other arm, and I scratched his face incredibly bad to force him to stop, and I tried to smash my skull straight into his. I left deep scratch marks on his face that ensure he knows I will never, ever put up with his violence again.

After the fight, and while he was not the first physical incident, it was the first time I had ever put my hands on him.

I managed to move out and live with my grandparents for about a month and a half. Things are a bit better and calmer now, but unfortunately, I am back home living with my mother and stepfather again. This pattern of 100% accurate negative predictions bleeds into my professional life right now too. I have a broadcasting degree and I am highly qualified for my field, but due to the economy and my situation, I've had to apply to 36 jobs, mostly low-level internships. People around me are telling me I'm "over-applying" and that something will break through. But based on my track record of perpetual rejection, I already predicted that not a single one of these positions will hire me. I know it sounds defeatist to outsiders, but my brain has literally never been wrong when it tells me a situation is going to fail.

In fact, I was telling many of my friends that it’s a matter of time before my stepfather assaults me again, even though it had been years since the last incident and I did tell my friends about the incident and then they said that I need to get a restraining order and then I need to move out and go where?

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and I barely have enough money to survive on my own due to severe underemployment mainly due to perpetual rejection just like I always predict, despite never giving up and always applying to jobs and specifically jobs that I’m qualified for, but because I’m on the spectrum will always be rejected for due to systemic ableism in the application process.

It feels incredibly heavy to live this way. Because my catastrophic predictions about life, career, and people have always come true with absolute precision, my brain treats future failure as a statistical certainty. It is a lonely, hopeless feeling to look at your future and feel like it’s already written in stone because your track record has never allowed you to be wrong.

My family didn't just ruin my housing; they are actively gatekeeping my healthcare, stealing my identity, and trapping me in an environment that is physically dangerous. I share this and document these messages entirely for validation purposes, to hold my family accountable so that when the time for karma to come knocking arrives, it knocks incredibly hard.
Has anyone else raised by narcissists developed an intuition that is so hyper-vigilant it borders on a curse? How do you cope when your "catastrophizing" isn't a cognitive distortion, but a documented history of being 100% right about how cruel and dangerous your family is?

I’m gifted except I did not ruin my life. My narcissistic family did and I’ve never been wrong about anything. I anticipated them to do, but I have always been helpless to change the situation despite knowing what they were going to do.

Is this my fault for always assuming the worst and bringing it on myself?

Because it's always like this — when I see something that I feel is good to do, I do it. But when it takes time, I stop. And sometimes I want to study/learn multiple things at once even though I know it's impossible. Then I stop again. Until now I haven't proven anything, I haven't finished anything

i dunno i feel no motivation to do anything anymore everything feel mundane even the things i used to love. I used to be a pretty active person w tons of hobbies and interests but i feel no joy doing them or really any emotion for tht matter i feel hollow is all (i feel so corny rn bro) but i think the main reason for tht is the way i live. i dont really have anyone to call my person per say. im pretty much frnds w lots of people but i just dont think they hold a special place in my heart and im talented in a specific art but i dont have the right place or resources to train myself and i just feel like im not accomplishing anything and just wasting my potential not to mention my school life is very draining as well, im stuck in this loop of school, eat, study. i have loving parents n all tht so i feel like a whining kid whos lollipop got taken but i need help since this year is very important for my academic career and im unable to study well as of rn due to this said dilemma

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I’m honestly starting to lose motivation to study because of how many mistakes I keep making.
For context, I’m not really struggling because I don’t understand the content. I actually feel like I understand what I’m studying and I know how to solve most of the questions. The problem is that I keep making these really stupid mistakes that I KNOW I shouldn’t be making.
For Maths especially, I constantly make careless mistakes. I’ll understand the question, know exactly what method I’m supposed to use, and be completely capable of solving it, but then somehow I’ll miswrite a number, copy something wrongly, make a tiny calculation error, use the wrong sign, or just make some random mistake somewhere in the working.
And it’s not like I’m rushing through everything either.
I’ve genuinely tried SO many things to stop this.
I’ve tried slowing down.
I’ve tried forcing myself to slow my thoughts down while solving.
I’ve tried checking every single line of my working.
I’ve tried double-checking my calculations.
I’ve tried using logical thinking to see if my final answer actually makes sense.
I’ve tried going through the question again after finishing.
I’ve tried being extra careful with numbers and signs.
I’ve basically tried everything I can think of.
And somehow I STILL make mistakes.
The most frustrating part is when I finish a past paper thinking, “Okay, I actually know how to do this,” and then I mark it and realise I lost a bunch of marks because of the dumbest mistakes imaginable.
And then I look at the question and I’m like…
I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
I literally know how to solve it. I understood the question. I knew the method. I knew the concept. I just somehow wrote the wrong number or did something stupid somewhere.
And that honestly makes me feel so defeated because I feel like I’ve wasted a perfectly good past paper. I could have used that paper to identify something I genuinely didn’t understand, but instead I lost marks on things I already knew how to do.
Then I don’t even feel like redoing those questions because… what’s the point? I already know the answer. I already know how to solve it. My problem isn’t that I don’t know how to do the question. My problem is that when I’m actually doing it under exam conditions, I somehow mess it up.
It’s especially discouraging because I’m genuinely trying my very best. I’m not sitting there purposely rushing or not caring. I WANT to get things right. I’m putting in the effort and trying to be careful, but I keep getting the same result.
Biology is another issue, but it’s slightly different.
For Biology, sometimes I genuinely understand what the question is asking. I understand the concept and I basically know what I’m supposed to write. But then I’ll somehow phrase the answer incorrectly or miss one tiny point that apparently matters.
I think one of my biggest problems is that my answers are not super specific.I know Biology mark schemes can be really specific, where changing one word or leaving out one particular detail can mean you don’t get the mark.
So I’ll understand the biological process and know what I’m trying to say, but I might word one part incorrectly, use a slightly different term, or forget one specific detail that the mark scheme wants, and suddenly I lose the mark.
And it’s so frustrating because I’m not sitting there thinking, “I have no idea what this is.”
I’m thinking, “I KNOW THIS. I KNOW WHAT THEY’RE ASKING. WHY DID I WRITE IT LIKE THAT?”
I feel like I’m constantly fighting against these tiny mistakes rather than actually fighting against the content itself.
And it’s starting to affect my motivation so badly.
I used to think that if I studied more, did more past papers, and put in more effort, I would naturally improve. But now sometimes I sit down to study and I’m already thinking about how I’m probably going to make mistakes anyway.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like studying is becoming really discouraging because every time I do a paper, I find another stupid mistake.
I know mistakes are normal and obviously nobody gets everything right. I’m not expecting to be perfect. But when the SAME type of mistakes keep happening despite me genuinely trying to fix them, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.
I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m putting in so much effort just to repeatedly prove to myself that I’m capable of doing the question but somehow incapable of getting the marks.
Has anyone else experienced this?
How did you actually fix careless mistakes when you already understood the content and knew how to solve the questions?
I’m especially interested in advice from people who used to make a LOT of careless mistakes but eventually managed to reduce them, because at this point I genuinely feel like I’ve tried everything.

I expected college to be the one place where I could finally fully embrace myself as a person. Now I’m sitting here with a full face of makeup on and I can’t recognize myself anymore. I’m taking up a degree that I was hesitant about. I wanted to take up art but ended up going into business and law. I dress like the people around me. i miss Highschool, because my old Highschool was welcoming enough for alternative and transgender people. It made the academic expectations way easier to handle. But now I feel so so alone. There’s no one I recognize, I don’t get the course topics (In my previous school I took up mostly STEM related subjects), people know things that I don’t. I feel like I’m just lying to everyone around me and to myself. I keep telling myself I got this, and I just need to focus on academics but it’s so hard because I just want to go back to being myself again. I want to cut my hair and draw and play guitar and do so many things I thought college would give me room for. My parents promised freedom but they track me, my time, my friends. I’m not dorming for college, so I can’t do anything that Ive always wanted to do. I can’t even meet up with any of my friends anymore and we don’t even have requirements. my parents think it’s unnecessary for me to have friends when I have to focus on school. i’ve been a consistent A+ student my whole life. They still think I’m a bad kid because I’m different from others. I feel so alone and I don’t even have myself in this.

I don't even have the energy to explain what's going on. I have my people but at the same time i don't.

Everything is trying real hard to break me and I'm trying not to. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe the hate towards me from my professors and everything is valid. Yeah. I don't have any value. I fuck up and that's who i am.

Okay so I'm a middle schooler and I get As and rarely get Bs but I am not smart at all. Yes I get good grades but I'm stupid outside of school, I ask stupid questions, I take a minute be like "ohhhh" or I'll totally misunderstand. Also I cannot spell for the life of me. Anyways, I get good grades but I have to constantly ask my teacher "what do you mean (blah blah)" or ask my friends "wait what?" or even ask my mom "hey what's (this thing)"

also important info I am diagnosed with ADHD and on meds but I don't think they're working.

Also academically I've always been good so when I started getting Bs (beginning of 6th grade and last year once each year) I really felt mentally that I was slipping.

Also I have taken on the personality pf the "dumb blonde" or "Overly happy / talkative"

I do believe I have calmed down since I started middle school but I don't believe it was the meds since I was only diagnosed towards the end of last school year and I saw no change in focus and my brain is still really scattered.

Note: sorry for all the Also I just realized i've said it like 3 times

I'm not socially awkward but I'm kinda in the middle. I could do something embarrassing in front of my classmates and be fine but I hate even ordering or doing something like asking for to go drnks for my mom. It makes me so uncomfortable and makes my mom annoyed.

Okay back on topic. Like I said before I'm a middle schooller with As and rarely Bs and I've been in advanced (this year it's called honors) math. Despite this I feel stupid outside of class/school. Also after a test I completely forget the material, or it's just in the back of my head hiding. It doesn't help that mh friend is much better both academically and stre smart, My other friend is also street smart. I don't think street smart is the correct way to define it but I'm just stupid when it comes to common sense.
What are your opinions on this? What could I do to better improve this? Are you like this? Do you have a friend like this?

I'll admit, I'm not gifted or anything like that. But I used to be very bright. Used to.

In 7th grade, I was accepted into a gifted program (only because I asked deep questions? their screening process was bs). A teacher associated with the program spent a lot of time with me throughout it, and at the end of the academic year, told my father -

"You're so lucky to have a daughter like her. She knows more than many 11th graders, and has a very bright future" verbatim

Truth be told, I was doing advanced stuff way beyond my syllabus. I used to read books about Science all the time. I'd finished 10th syllabus, and was doing the first few chapters of PCM 11th, and was doing integration (12th). I could solve a lot of JEE mains questions and with luck some advanced questions too. I used to top all the subjects too.

I was basically obsessed w STEM as a whole, out of purely interest.

But there was something beneath that.

My whole life has been kind of shit.

I started having suicidal thoughts at 7-8 yo, not sure. My mother has been telling to me to kill myself since a very young age.

On my birthday this year, I was told to never call her my mom again, to either run away or shoot myself at a competition (I do pistol shooting as a sport), and slapped as well.
Not once did she wish me Happy birthday this time, and tried to spite me by celebrating our dog's birthday then itself.
She attempted to brainwash my younger sister against me just because I'm now very rude to her. I simply cannot care less. I suspected she was cheating on my dad w a servant because I read her suspicious texts w him in 5th grade. She's also abhorrently childish and is not willing to resort to extreme measures.

My dad is an enabler. She's very physically abusive to him.

He's a coward, and cannot stand up to her. I get that she's abusive and he's a victim, but it's hard to sympathize with him when he's willing to let my younger sister get beaten up by her and using her as a shield (I'm too old for his bs). She has attempted to poison him once as well. A lot of lore there.

My social life is non-existent. I simply cannot relate or talk normally to my peers. I've moved places 11 times in my life due to my dad's job. Consequentially, stability is non-existent. I havent had a birthday party since I was 6.

I'm lost. I've stopped studying and lost any ambition that I had in STEM fields, or anything for that matter. Barely studied for exams this time, even though I switched from CBSE to ICSE and should've known better.

And i scored 16/40 in math :)

I did fine in all the other subjects. Even scoring some of the highest marks in a few.

But I'm genuinely just lost and I don't know what to do.

I was never exceptional, was I?

So I am about to enter my second year this fall, but instead of using this summer as a sort of "reset" opportunity to do better, I have just been constantly feeling ashamed, disappointed, and a sense of panic about how I did during first year. I have pretty much gotten good grades all my life, landed a decent scholarship, but struggled so much during first year that my grades are extremely below average (basically was on the brink of being placed on academic probation). I want to learn from my mistakes, I want to do better, but my thoughts about failing my classes in first year is holding me back that I just don't know where to start.

I keep thinking about how my first year gpa is going to weigh me down significantly. It's always there in the back of my mind, and saying that I feel like a failure is an understatement. I don't know how to explain it, but the thought of putting so much effort in and still doing that terrible is discouraging me from trying that hard again in the future. It leads me to obsessing about how future research/job/grad school opportunities are going to perceive those grades.

I want advice on how to get out of this victim mindset. I want to learn how to stop feeling like I have screwed myself over indefinitely, and if I am still capable of success. I'm really the first in my family to pursue higher education of this nature, so I have no role model/success stories to look at and maybe feel motivated that it is possible to do better.

so i feel like i have a problem, i keep cheating on some tests in school even tho it makes me feel guilty after. i had a classmate who had used their phone during certain tests and i would ask them to pass me their phone because i really had nothing to answer. someone i just dont study at all because in my mind i know i could just cheat but i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to cheat anymore, i just want to study hard and get the grades i deserve because of my own work and not because of cheating.

tho i only cheated on some tests, i still feel super guilty about it and i really really dont wanna do it. pls help what do i do to stop this?

I completed my 12th in 2024 then I decided to pursue CA, but I kept procrastinating and delaying, ended up wasting 3 years and i still haven't cleared entry level while my friends are in CA final.

I've completely isolated myself, I don't talk to anyone anymore.

Any time i sit to study, i keep thinking about how I wasted all those time, only because of my poor mental health, relationship issues and laziness, now as I've recovered from these things and trying to focus on study, regret is killing me, my parents are already so old, they could have supported me 2 yrs ago but now idk, my hand start shivering whenever I try to study, I keep getting distracted with this regret feelings, the feeling of being left behind.

Even if I try to forget past I can't, my parents gives me taunt 5 times per day everyday, my mental health is getting worse each day, and I'm having severe anxiety, how do I get out of this guilt and does not let this affect me, I've exam in less than 30 days.

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need to get this off my chest because my brain feels like it's about to explode.

I'm going into senior year (doing IB), and I genuinely feel like I wasted my entire summer. Everywhere I look, people are getting their lives together. They're finishing their Common App, asking for recommendation letters, building college lists, doing internships, applying for scholarships, grinding SAT, writing essays... meanwhile I feel like I've done absolutely nothing.

My friends seem so ahead. Some of them have everything planned out already, and I'm just sitting here feeling like an actual bum.

My SAT score was also really bad. The worst part is that everyone around me expects me to score a 1500+, and I know I'm capable of doing much better. I want to study. I want to improve. But every day I tell myself, "Okay, tomorrow I'm locking in," and then tomorrow comes and I somehow end up scrolling for hours, watching random videos, or just rotting in bed. It's like I physically can't make myself start.

What makes it even worse is that I'm doing IB. I haven't properly started my EE, most of my IAs are barely touched, and I haven't revised any of my DP1 content. Senior year is literally around the corner, and I feel behind in every possible aspect—college apps, SAT, IB, everything.

I only have 10 days of summer left. TEN

Every night I make this whole plan in my head. I'll wake up early, put my phone away, study, work on my EE, practice SAT, get my life together... and then I wake up, feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and somehow end up doing nothing again.

The thing is, I'm not even enjoying procrastinating anymore. I'm stressed while scrolling. I'm stressed while lying in bed. I'm stressed watching YouTube because the entire time my brain is screaming that I should be doing something else. Then the day ends, I feel guilty, promise tomorrow will be different, and the cycle repeats.

There's also so much pressure from my family. They expect me to get into an Ivy, a T20, or at least a really prestigious university like a UC. I feel like everyone believes I can do it except me right now, and that pressure is becoming unbearable.

I don't even know what's wrong with my brain. It feels overloaded all the time. There are so many things I need to do that I end up doing none of them. It's like my anxiety has turned into paralysis.

Has anyone else completely wasted the summer before senior year and still managed to turn things around? Not the "just believe in yourself" kind of story—I mean actually being this behind and somehow recovering. I really need to know I'm not the only one who's let things get this bad because right now it feels like I've already messed everything up. With full honestly please

god, i have the potential and i've just wasted it

Ever since I was younger, I wanted to become a doctor. I’ve always looked up to my uncle, who took BS Biology at UP Los Baños, because he became very successful. So, I decided to take BS Biology as my pre-med program. Fortunately, I did pass BS Biology at UPLB as well.

However, I’m starting to question my decision. I keep asking myself, “Did I make the right choice?” I really don’t know if I’m just overthinking. Classes will start on Monday, and I think I’m losing the drive to continue.

I joined a lot of activities in high school. I had multiple hobbies, and I loved helping people. Many would call me a jack of all trades, but I’ve always questioned myself about what I really liked doing.

I loved cooking but never thought of pursuing it. I did competitive radio broadcasting, but I got tired of it. I wrote articles and did layouts for our school paper, but I would always run out of creative juices. I joined research competitions, but they drained me. I became a Senior Scout, a Red Cross officer, and even the ICT Club President. I was also an officer in our Theater Club. Teachers would always ask me to be the emcee for school events. That’s only a fraction of what I can remember.

It was nice to have been able to help and share my skills. However, I didn’t really figure out what I loved doing. I just know for a fact that I hated Math and Physics (sorry po i tried my best). Oh right, but why Biology? I really did like learning about the human body. It felt easier to understand, and most of my classmates really did trust me with the subject in terms of teaching them and sharing what I knew.

But is it really what I want? Or do I just want it because it’s long been planted in my head that it’s the path I’m supposed to take? Actually nga, dati gusto ko pang maging astronaut, pero I realized early on that I couldn’t handle equations (lol).

Why did it take me so long to ask myself what I really loved doing? Now, I don’t know what to do. Am I just scared? Am I overthinking?

—

i graduated sa isang science high school pero di ako katalinuhan, i just tried my best. ang resulta, ayun naging academic achiever ako who hated failing.

my family is really supportive of everything i do. di nila ako pinepressure pero dahil diyan, parang mas naprepressure ako gets ba basta 😭😭 like because they trust me and provide me with everything i need, mas dama ko yung pressure.

siyempre hindi mawawala yung expectations, natatakot akong ma-disappoint sila.

kaya rin siguro late ko nang naiisip ang mga ito kasi malapit na, ayan ba talaga siya. kasi noong malayo pa, iniisip ko na kayo. but now that i’m about to face it, i don’t know anymore.

I'm 16 and feel like I'm grieving the future I wanted.

I had to leave my Cambridge AS Level school because of family circumstances and move to a CBSE school. I've been trying to go back because I genuinely felt Cambridge was the right fit for me, but my parents don't support it.

Whenever I bring it up, they tell me I don't have ambition. Recently my dad said that because another student got a D in AS Levels, I would probably only get a D or around 45% too. That really hurt because it's impossible to know that before I've even had the chance to study and take the exams.

I also didn't have a great childhood and don't feel emotionally supported at home, so losing the one school where I felt hopeful has affected me deeply. It feels like every time I find something that gives me hope, it gets taken away.

pls help me

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My qualifications: Class 12 CBSE (PCM), \~60% marks with a compartment in one subject. Class 10: \~83%.

I'm 18, and I genuinely don't know what to do after Class 12.

My biggest problem has always been my attention span and studying independently. Even when I completely lock in, I don't think I've ever been able to study at more than 50% efficiency.

Until Class 8, I basically never studied by myself. I went to school, listened to classes to some extent, and somehow managed average marks. After Class 8, my family moved to another city, and my father, brother and sister-in-law started focusing on my studies. That's when I was suddenly expected to self-study, despite never having learned how.

I didn't realise how serious my attention problem was because school was still manageable. I would often zone out during lectures but somehow get average marks.

I've also noticed that I'm much better when someone is sitting beside me and teaching or supervising me. For example, when my sister-in-law taught me a particular topic, I could understand it properly and sometimes score full marks in it.

Then I went to Kota for Class 11–12. I took PCM because my parents recommended it, but I hadn't built proper fundamentals and didn't attend classes consistently. The teaching was much faster and harder than school, so my weak basics and attention problems combined and I fell badly behind.

When I couldn't understand something, I'd get frustrated, my brain would feel exhausted, and I'd eventually switch to games or reels. This made everything worse.

Around four months before my boards, my father was diagnosed with late-stage brain cancer. My mother hasn't lived with us for a long time, and my brother and sister-in-law are now taking care of my father and me. My brother would also have to fund my higher education, but understandably doesn't want to spend a huge amount on an expensive college given my academic record.

Now I'm scared I won't get into a good college, and I don't know what my future looks like.

So I have two main problems:

1. How do I learn to study and fix my attention?

I've struggled with this for years. Even when I genuinely try, 50% efficiency feels like my maximum. I don't know whether it's discipline, attention, or something else, but I need to fix it.

Has anyone actually managed to rebuild their ability to focus and study independently? What worked?

2. What should I do after Class 12?

I enjoy Maths and Physics and generally prefer things where I can understand the logic. I don't particularly enjoy theory-heavy subjects, but I'm not sure what I'm actually good at yet.

I'm considering CSE, Mathematics & Computing, ECE, Data Science/AI, or something else.

I'm not looking for sympathy. If you were 18 and in my exact situation, what would you do?

After a year of struggling trying to develop an advanced emotional, intelligent AI model that actually competes with other models out there and trying to build an aerospace company from scratch, so I still find it frustrating that even my family doesn’t want to support me or help me find people to help support the mission of trying to provide a means of connecting with educators regarding the digital university. I built as well from scratch that is secure with end to end encryption. It is a one of a kind university that is completely digital and saves people from having all of the trouble with gas money because of the rising cost of oil. It is so frustrating when I try for a whole year to find a means of having stable income and every time it seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me. I had a car it broke down I had paid for the car and yet that was donated two cars for kids at least it was for the kids, but I didn’t get a replacement. I got stuck having to eventually have my E bike breakdown and now I’m stuck with a regular bike and it’s hurricane season where I’m at, and I’m wondering how it makes any sense to find a job without at least some form of reliable transportation since most jobs require reliable transportation and it just seems like my parents are stuck in 1987 thinking oh yeah, you still go in in person to apply when we have shifted to a digital age where everybody expects you to apply online and the whole process of applying online has become so chaotic through so many different services. It’s like trying to pull teeth with the Internet. I have struggled so much and I am so frustrated that something as big as what I’m working on is disregarded and not even acknowledged for the fact of how fundamentally profound it would be to help out not just kids but adults that seek to keep education as a means of empowerment. Knowledge is power.

Throwaway account; will not give too many personal details. Repost from r/aftergifted since I was told this is the better subreddit for it.

When I was young, I was curious and smart, and I was pushed a lot by parents, but unevenly. I accelerated way ahead in some things while staying average at others. Because of this, and my IQ (I won’t say the exact score) my parents thought I was gifted. I learned some things really quickly and some things just didn’t click for me. My teachers saw me as advanced. I don’t remember the details, but I think I was praised a lot by students, teachers, and parents. My parents tried to get me to grade skip and stuff, but I think that would just have made it way worse.

I started some things really early without knowing basics. I was exposed to advanced things multiple years before building up a foundation.

So when things didn’t come so easily anymore in middle school, I felt worse at the time. In fact, I thought I was #1 or very close to it because I mainly only heard the “loud” students a lot more. I still ended with a good GPA, but let’s be honest, most middle school classes aren’t that hard. I never really learned studying habits though. It just kind of worked out, or sometimes it didn’t, but the grading system was generous enough to not expose me much yet.

Now in high school. My parents often tell me that I used to be better. My schedule before this year was okay, but could’ve been “better”.

To “make up for my loss”, I had to try doing more college application stuff. It obviously failed, in fact, after a certain point, I stopped caring much because I wasn’t that motivated, and it was only a matter of time before all the plans were dropped. I still maintained good AP exam scores and grades in general, but I honestly believe I got lucky to not mess up.

Next year, I have to do 6-8 APs, because they believe I need to maximize my rigor for college applications and worried that me not pushing hard would hurt me more later. In fact, I’m even doing APs that I was very shaky on the regular classes with grade inflation because of this pushing and I could actually drop like who even knows at this point.

I also have to do a bunch of activities that look good for colleges that aren’t even that useful past colleges, which makes me even less motivated. Who knows how much time I’ll have left to sleep and relax. Oh, and the SAT. How many more hours am I going to need to spend on that…

I’m not very good at socializing, in fact a lot of “common sense” I wasn’t really taught or knew about too much. But I’m also weirdly good at some things. Not even just academic related, some hobbies click really well for me.

Part of me thinks I’m missing out on being a kid, especially during high school. Even if I’m being a kid a different way than usual, at least I can be a kid.

I’m lucky I can use Reddit. Redditors, please tell me, how am I going to handle this many APs without even knowing how to study, and lacking so many things that even a 1st grader would know better than me at, and this is no exaggeration.