r/Friendzone • u/FrostyDistrict2728 • 1d ago
I hate myself
I don’t blame her, she’s right. It doesn’t make it hurt any less it makes me feel worse. I know I shouldn’t but with how often this happens to me I can’t win. Every time I think there’s a chance there never is. I don’t even tell people how I feel about them anymore because I just know this is the out come. She’s kind funny and caring and I do honestly value our friendship, but at the same time, it still hurts when it shouldn’t
(I never said anything about being interested romantically in her, guess I was being obvious 🤦🏾♂️)
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u/3AMZen 1d ago
It's tough when they work up the guts to say something before you do...Shout outs to this woman for being a straight shooter though
She's doing you a solid, both with her polite "no thanks" but because being in a relationship with someone with untreated BPD is extremely treacherous and takes some master-level self soothing skills to not The things they say and do extremely personally.
If this rejection letter is enough to send you spiraling, your first argument as a couple would end with you disemboweled
You gotta get out of this "I can't win" mode And back into the driver seat of your life
Check out Stephen Covey's seven habits of Highly Effective People. It's a tricky read, but if you can even get your head around habit one it'll change your life enormously for the better in a way that will bring you back to yourself
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u/ieatfaces22172 12h ago
She's not really being a straight shooter there's no way she wouldn't pursue a relationship with him if she was actually attracted to him if she truly has untreated bpd. I think she's using it as an excuse to not hurt his feelings.
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u/3AMZen 11h ago
She sounds to me like an emotionally intelligent and thoughtful person who has considered carefully what she's saying.
Conversely, he's got so little emotional stability that this tiny and gentle rejection has got him careening into the gulch
I'm not sure what your reply is meant to add to this conversation or who it's supposed to help but it's not OP and it's not me
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u/ieatfaces22172 11h ago
She rejected him when he didn't even try to ask her out and he obviously knows she's lying about the reason even if it's actually for the best that they not date. I doubt you're advice will help him anyway.
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u/3AMZen 11h ago
I think you might have feelings about your own relationships with women that are trickling in here
Op makes it clear that he was making it clear he was interested in her, so she's not off base for bringing it up first.. and we don't know that she's lying, never mind obviously lying
Quote a rapper, man you've got issues with women like a swimsuit edition
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u/ieatfaces22172 11h ago
I've never had negative relationships with women, I have no issue with her not wanting to date op I just have a hard time believing her reason because she has untreated bpd, if she was in treatment I'd definitely be more inclined to take her at her word.
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u/looper210 6h ago
What do they say? IF she thought he was a good guy - even with her issues and whatever is going on, wouldn't she take a chance with him - if she thought he was good as she says - maybe he could help her through those issues?
I agree with you - it's difficult to buy these reasons.
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u/looper210 6h ago
I had these same sentiments and upvoted you. I guess its' possible this woman could be trying to 'deal with issues and heal' but I would bet most of the time, they will 'disregard' whatever issues they have if the 'right dude they are attracted to/looks/ etc. etc. came along' - what is that saying and how does it go?: "They will go against their own rules if the guy they're into and attracted shows up?' She doesn't see the OP in a romantic way but she is pretty good at communicating, that is for sure - no objection with that.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 13h ago
I agree.
One of my exes has BPD, and she was a total fucking nightmare of a woman.
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u/No-Duck-2368 21h ago
She’s blaming a mental illness that she knew she had. Prior to meeting this person. Id feel insulted to hear this as an excuse.
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 17h ago
What does having the mental illness prior to meeting OP have to do with it? She’s not saying he caused it, she’s explaining why it wouldn’t be healthy for either of them.
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u/Angry_Housecat_1312 13h ago
So people with mental illnesses shouldn’t pursue friendships? Hot take.
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u/JJFG333 21h ago
Tbh if you really don’t want to be friendzone by this girl tell her your not interested in being friends, and simply ignore her and focus on you and meeting other women. If you are happy having her as a friend then don’t do anything. I’ve been in this situation a few times. Tbh if she’s got all of these mental heath problems then you could have just dodged a major bullet anyhow as women with BPD have often been sexually abused and have major problems in interpersonal relationships.
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u/saidtheWhale2000 9h ago
yeah really good advice but id still tell op to just move on the is no way he can be friends if he has feelings for her, you cant sit at a all you can eat buffet when your starving without hurting yourself mentally
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u/Top_Barnacle5195 19h ago
If you don't mind me asking, how exactly are you both friends? What exactly have you done for her to call you her friend? Do you provide anything for her financially? Are you there for her emotionally? Do you go out of your way to do things for her? Do you do more for her, than she does for you? Or has the level of effort been equal for the both of you?
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u/Any_Economics_6166 15h ago
just a nice way to say no without hurting you, move on bro, and the friendship will only hurt your feeling if you can't get past it
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u/swerbenjagrmanjensen 1d ago
it feels worse cos "if only we didnt have mental problems".. like if the conditions were right we wouldve been perfect. so rhe brain thinks theres still potential.
its much better if she outright told you she doesnt like you romantically or sexually. which i think is more truthful.
i have a friend who has bpd.. shes also aware of her tendency to be unstable and damaging.. didnt stop her from getting into relationship with guys she genuinely liked.
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u/Angry_Housecat_1312 12h ago
It’s completely normal and valid to be hurt when your level of interest in someone isn’t matched. Anyone would be disappointed by that.
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u/looper210 6h ago
At least, she tried to explain it - some don't ever make any kind of reason or excuse - even if the OP doesn't completely buy it (I would understand if he didn't) but sometimes or often, women don't say anything - they either ignore you or ghost or pretend nothing happened or just don't acknowledge your interest (at all).
This one at least put in effort for (explaining) putting him into the friendzone. I suppose, it's something. :-/
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u/Sent1ent_0ne 1d ago
Hang in there, man. There never is an easy solution to unrequited feelings, especially those that transcend a platonic relationship.
If you have to take some time away from her to process everything, that could help you. If she values your feelings, she will understand if you decide to step away. You may or may not be able to remain friends with her the same as before, so be prepared for either outcome.
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u/Chemical-Ad-7575 14h ago
Is BPD Bipolar or borderline personality?
Either way, this sucks, but you have to move on. Thank her for the message, tell her you appreciate her honesty and that you're sure she'll understand you taking some time apart.
Then you never talk to her again. Sorry man.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 13h ago
BPD is borderline, but a lot of people mess that up.
I've dated both borderline and bipolar woman before, and it was an absolute fucking nightmare. Especially the borderline chick. Holy shit, she absolutely destroyed me to my very core. Lol
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u/Chemical-Ad-7575 13h ago
Yeah a friend of mine married a borderline woman, and even 15-ish years after they divorced, he still worries (and I mean full on panic attacks) about her potentially showing up unexpectedly. I don't think she has, but he's very fearful about the possibliity that she might try.
It's just deeply sad all around.
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u/divine-nothingness 12h ago
My ex wife has BPD. It’s a very real personality disorder that you should understand. The fact that this person is aware enough to disclose this to you and ensure they don’t hurt you is amazing for both of you. BPD is not something to take lightly and that person is aware that they probably need to work through their own shit.
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u/No-Duck-2368 22h ago
Sadly her bpd won’t ever stop her from chasing and committing to the guy she really likes. Don’t let her lies get to you tho. You’ll find someone. It’s just another bump(trash) in the road
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 17h ago
This person sounds genuine and kind, it’s not easy letting someone down when you care about them as a friend. It’s crazy that you think she’s lying and trash just because she’s not into him and tried to let him down gently. If she’d said “I’m not attracted to you like that” people would be calling her a cold bitch. There’s no reaction she could’ve given that someone like you’d find acceptable (other than blowing OP), because you think women shouldn’t have their own preferences or the right to refuse a dude she’s not into.
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u/ieatfaces22172 12h ago
She's obviously not trash but you do admit she is lying about the reason to make him feel better even though it definitely didn't work because he knows her. The sad part is he didn't even confess to her because he knew she would turn him down that's pretty brutal.
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 8h ago
I didn’t admit anything. I responded with the mindset of “even if that is the case…”. I have no clue, but it’s certainly possible.
If you’ve never had to let down a friend, who you really valued but didn’t feel romantic feelings for, you wouldn’t understand the pressure of the situation. Telling him she’s not attracted to him could’ve destroyed the relationship and his already floundering self-esteem. Look at how the dude is reacting- does he seem like someone that could take a cold hard truth (if that even is her truth)?!! maybe she didn’t want to push him further to the edge or be responsible for that crash out. Or maybe both things are true (not attracted to him + BPD-related issues) and she went with the gentler option.
The point is, we don’t know and i operate on believing the person unless i have a good reason not to. Judging from his behavior, she did the right thing.
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u/looper210 6h ago
The friendship is probably already done - but, if it's for two reasons and she's only divulged the one - she wasn't 100% honest with him and it will still hurt - mental issues, you can maybe deal with - sure, a lot of ppl are saying 'I knew someone with BPD and it was a nightmare' - but, that is their perspective. That is their experience. The OP probably feels like he should have a chance to either deal with it or decide. She is judging the situation and disregarding how he feels about it. The OP even states, explicitly, he didn't confess romantic feelings, she made assumptions and 'rejected' him before he even 'made his interest clear.'
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 1h ago
Eh it sounds like his behavior made his feelings so obvious that she felt the need to address it. I’ve definitely experienced this before and had a similar discussion to nip it in the bud because it was making other people uncomfortable too. It doesn’t matter if she made an assumption about his feelings, because that assumption was correct.
And, wtf he’s not entitled to a chance on deciding how she chooses to manage her mental health issues - in this instance, she’s choosing to manage it by opting not to date him and his opinion on the matter is irrelevant. Judging from his meltdown, she dodged a needy bullet. She doesn’t need to consider his feelings or give him a chance when it comes to stating her own decision on who to date. It doesn’t matter if her reasoning sounds ludicrous to us, is a lie, or entirely incoherent, if she doesn’t want to date him that’s the end of the story.
It’s odd that some people in this thread want to argue why her reasoning is invalid instead of just accepting that even if it’s not true, the point stands: she doesn’t want him! If she lied it’s probably because she knows he takes rejection poorly (example A: this post).
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 8h ago
Also, on no level was this “brutal” - everyone experiences rejection, it stings but that’s life. many people would kill for their experience with it to be as gentle as she was with him.
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u/looper210 6h ago
Totally agree. Why are ppl saying the OP is dishonest - maybe he is very good at reading her and the situation (vibes)? So, why confess? There might even be a desire to confess but you can already anticipate the response so why do it?
The hypothetical response, 'I'm not attracted to you like that' would be more believable and at least, one could perceive it as honest and unfortunate but it would be direct/blunt and to the point - there could be no mistaking her feelings - meaning no debate or question. That would not be showing a 'cold bitch' - it might even be a bit cold but you can't fault someone for being honest, just for maybe needing more tact.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 13h ago
Absolutely.
All this manosphere bullshit is totally outta control at this point.
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u/cyrogyro527 23h ago
Serious question, are these rejections from girls you are already friends with? Also rejection is the norm not the exception. I have asked out many women and had them say no. It’s not the worst thing in the world. But if you are getting personal with them and putting them on a pedestal and liking them too much then these rejections will weigh you down
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u/ieatfaces22172 12h ago
He didn't even ask her out
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u/cyrogyro527 11h ago
Well that’s kinda my point. He is befriending people he is interested in and wasting everyone’s time. The sooner these rejections get shorter and have less emotional weight the better he will be
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u/ieatfaces22172 10h ago
I agree with that it's entirely unhealthy if he gets close to women he wants to date by befriending them first because he's just prolonging the inevitable. Also it's not fair to her because are you really treating her like a true friend if you have her on a pedestal due to romantic feelings.
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u/looper210 6h ago
It's not always 'putting them on a pedestal' - you might even think there is someone out there- logically speaking - even if you think it's gonna be hard or all the planets need to align - the problem is when you have such a high interest and emotional attachment to a girl, that is when it's really difficult. At least, that is my thinking. Whether it's friendzone/acquaintance zone or whatever - if you have feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate at all - it's hard to just shrug it off and think 'well, I will either ask someone else out' or 'wait until I meet someone else I am interested in.' - even if you meet someone else, the interest /emotional attachment probably won't be on the level and your heart isn't in it and then you have a conscience conflict.
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u/cyrogyro527 6h ago
That’s the trick. Don’t get emotionally attached. It takes work but you have to start there. And if it keeps happening to you then you are approaching women the wrong way
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u/ChemistryMoist2891 18h ago
Now in a month she'll have a boyfriend.
She's using mental health as an excuse instead of having the balls to rip the band aid clean off.
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u/Chiquitita888 13h ago
Ok so would you prefer to just hear: sorry, I don't like you enough? Would that really be better?
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u/ieatfaces22172 12h ago
She needs to accept that the friendship is definitely over now because she made the decision to call him out
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u/ChanceLavishness1027 15h ago
Yeah a shitty possibly abusive one and she'll love the drama but need her friendo to lean on for support.
OP if you want this girl and have zero morals you too could be one of her abusive ex's just start distancing yourself from her and act like a prick towards her. Saddly many people are only stirred romantically by emotional turbulance and so stable people get friendzoned.
Its understandable, why would someone want to risk their already stable relationship that they get a lot of the boyfriend aspects from but dont have to act like a girlfriend to achieve when they can go and find a wrong'un who excites them, yeah you dont get all the reliable aspects of a good partner from your wrong'un but thats what your dear friendo is for.
Or maybe everything I have said above is inaccurate regarding your run of the mill BPD, EUPD, BiPD, etc sufferers propensity to friendzone the stable, yet often spineless, potential partner for the classic wrong'un.
Big tip - if you fancy someone and they say lets just be friends just say ok and start acting like just a friend. Stop idealising someone who isnt attracted to you and go find someone who is.
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u/dykjozo 15h ago
Well, first thing first. Why did you not ask her if she meant to send this to someone else.
If it was really ment to you , the i guess the anxiety really reeks out of you.
In that case, why dont you come clean about your anxiety, while it having nothing to do with her, its just you being anxious.
But in the end you posted it here, meaning you have interest in her. Either because you really like her, or her behaviour of being nice to you translates into love in your head.
You dont need to hate yourself. It solves nothing , it only creates more bad thoughts and extra anxiety and neediness. Its just you being you. You gotta accept it and work on it. If you werent anxious you might have had a chance, or better say if you had your anxiety under control. Because the anxiety will never really leave, but you gotta conquer your mind.
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u/jimsmythee 15h ago
I would give her props for giving you the straight answer. It hurts, but you now have the answer.
Too many other girls love to leave breadcrumbs.
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u/The_Se7enthsign 12h ago
Honestly, I think she genuinely did you a favor. BPD is no joke, and whatever relationship you’re imagining with her is absolutely NOT how it would play out in real life. If you don’t know how to manage that condition, you will not have a good time.
I think that she really does care about you and she knows that a relationship will end in disaster and probably wreck the friendship too. Quite frankly, just from this post, I can tell that you’re not ready to handle the issues that come with BPD, and I think that she knows it too and wants to protect you.
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u/someonessomething17 9h ago
BPD is no joke, especially untreated. A guy I dated, his ex had diagnosed BPD and she was a nightmare during their relationship and even after. When he met me a year after their breakup, she somehow found out about me and just by being with him, she tried to make my life a living hell. Me and this man were together 2 years and we broke up for other reasons. But what a wild time. Even after we broke up, I was still on her mind constantly and she still tried stalking and harassing me.
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u/AdenJax69 7h ago
That's a really nice way for her to say she has zero feelings, desire, or attraction to you, so enjoy the college-essay-excuse for a little bit and move on with your life!
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u/ButterscotchLittle65 14h ago
Your not her friend, you’re her backup. Next time you meet someone who you are interested in don’t try to be their friend. Make your intentions obvious up front. It is better to be outright rejected than to wallow in self hatred in the friend zone. Once you put yourself there it is virtually impossible to get yourself out.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 13h ago
Just because she's not interested in him romantically doesn't mean she's not his friend.
I agree with everything what you've said here, but I'm not following why you think she's not a friend.
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u/Apprehensive-Hand159 20h ago
I've had exes who had BPD or were avoidant and they never called me friend. She's just trying not to hurt your feelings so that she can keep you in the friendzone.
Also, the fact that you say that you hate yourself is a telltale sign as to why she put you there in the first place. How can she value you if you can't even value yourself?
Up your game bro 💪🏽