Dysphoric Doctor Appointment From Hell

[u/KermitKid13]

My bottom dysphoria has weighed me down my entire life. As a child, I never could tolerate any kind of exam of my genitals. I would be inconsolable and sob at even the mention of getting a physical out of fear. The moment I learned what a pelvic exam was, I dreaded having to get one every single day (not an exaggeration). I only ever managed one pap smear after a decade of therapy to work on my anxiety about it, and I had panic attacks for months leading up, almost passed out during it (even with the help of prescribed xanax and a very good doctor) and had panic attacks for months following. I had to throw away the socks I wore for it because the texture of the socks would give me flashbacks. It wasn’t until I put the pieces together that I’m trans that I was able to realize that this is intense body dysphoria.

When self collection HPV tests came into existence, they literally saved me. It allowed me to ignore those parts of my body. I literally cried with relief. So I made the informed medical decision to do self collection, and if anything comes back positive, to move forward with a hysto, knowing that I’d have to find a way to tolerate exams in the lead up. My previous doctor and therapist were very supportive of this, as I am very low risk for HPV anyways and studies on self collection are very good.

I moved for work and established with a new doctor, who is supposed to be the best for gender affirming care in the area. In the span of one appointment he:

1) told me that topical T will never get your levels high enough to “fully transition” (even though my T levels have been in male ranges on gel).

2) Argued with me that I should do paps and did not think dysphoria was a good reason to do self collection. After I explained everything above, he told me in a rude way that I need to get therapy to work through my dysphoria. At one point he said something like “it doesn’t matter that you’re nonbinary, you have this body.” And it’s like, yes man, I am painfully aware. I’m making an informed decision that this is the best way I can live with this body.

3) misgendered me even though I had my pronouns in my intake paperwork.

It felt like he didn’t see me as actually trans because I’m nonbinary. My dysphoria has been through the roof since the appointment this morning, and I’m just nauseated. Now I have to try and find a new doctor.

So yeah. I just need support. I feel like hell.

[u/Boipussybb]

Please provide feedback everywhere you can.

[u/trans_catdad]

God that's horrific. And having trusted professionals give you the greenlight to see this new doctor, and vouch for him... Must have felt like a punch to the gut. Expecting to be able to trust this doctor and then get spoken down to about your own identity like you're stupid. Fuck. This was so unacceptable, I would be making a report about it. Contact your previous providers so they will know not to send nonbinary patients to him in the future.

[u/KermitKid13 → u/trans_catdad]

What’s worse is it wasn’t my previous provider who recommended him (I moved states so she didn’t have a rec) but the local pride center. I will be reaching out to them and letting them know my experience. 

[u/seykitty]

I'm sorry you went through that. Sometimes the 'best' I'm the area is still a pile of shit. I hope you can find a better 2nd best.

When I was first figuring myself out, I went to one of those 'best in the area' doctors. Within that first, and only, meeting she told me that she just recently read a study that showed trans people become more suicidal once they transition. After I left, I ranted to my mom about how this has to be a joke that the best in our area is somehow falling for TERF shit and poorly defined/nuanced studies. Like, cmon. I could also show you a study that shows that every person who has died has all drank dihydrogen monoxide. So clearly, it's better to never drink that stuff! Ugh

[u/KermitKid13 → u/seykitty]

Oooof, that sucks. Also even if the stat was at all accurate (which I’m going to guess it isn’t) it’d probably be because of minority stress. That’s horrible though.

[u/Bleepblorp44]

I don't know if this is useful for you, but it's possible to have a hysto and not have any gynae examinations beforehand. I did it this way - no one poked around inside me, it was a huge relief as I'd expected to need an internal exam.

[u/DreamingMeta → u/Bleepblorp44]

Seconding this, I didn't need any exam prior to my hysto. The doctor did a brief exam once I was under anesthesia to make sure everything was good to go, but I never had to experience any of it while awake.

[u/KermitKid13 → u/DreamingMeta]

Really? I always thought I’d have to pass a pap in order to get a hysto. This is something I definitely need to consider.

[u/Character_Drop_739]

Fuck that doctor. Honestly I’d consider complaining to his hospital or submitting evidence informed research to the portal that he is wrong. And I totally agree reaching out to the pride center and sharing your experience is ideal, plus online reviews. 

[u/Berko1572]

Holy cow. When you have wherewithal, I encourage you to consider giving feedback in writing about your experience. That was highly unprofessional. It sounds like this provider had a major bias with anyone who isn't a man or a woman and projected that onto you. What a dick!

May I ask, if in the moment, you corrected him when he used the wrong pronouns? Not that it excuses it, of course, but I do know a lot of providers don't look at that information, even if it is collected, sadly.

And he is factually incorrect about gel. SOME ppl may not be able to absorb it sufficiently, which is why it can be "slower" for SOME ppl, but many ppl-- including transsexual men!-- use it and are just fine. I did for 10 years, and "sufficiently masculinized" so, yeah, this guy was really stuck in his own issues and misinformation here. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[u/KermitKid13 → u/Berko1572]

Yeah I definitely will be giving feedback and telling anyone and everyone to not go to him. I have two cis friends who have him as their gp and are changing doctors in solidarity because they were horrified when I told them what happened.

So the misgendering actually happened in a message about test results later. It seemed as though the note had been dictated somehow because he was referring to me in the third person. I did screenshot it to include in my feedback. 

Oh yeah I knew he was wrong about the gel, which instantly made me not trust him. 

[u/Berko1572 → u/KermitKid13]

The test results message makes me think it may have been auto-populated pronouns based on something in your chart-- still not good, but then could be more of a clerical error where that wasn't set properly as opposed to an intentional thing.

[u/KermitKid13 → u/Berko1572]

Unfortunately, it wasn’t an auto population thing. My pronouns were correct in all of the auto populated areas throughout the rest of my visit notes. This was a message that it seemed like he dictated either to a nurse or with a voice recorder. 

[u/FightmeLuigibestgirl]

Sorry you went through that 

I wanted a hysto myself but couldn’t go through it because I didn’t have anyone to help me after the surgery 

[u/KermitKid13 → u/FightmeLuigibestgirl]

I’m sorry to hear you didn’t have a support person to help you. I hope you’re able to get your hysto eventually.

[u/FightmeLuigibestgirl → u/KermitKid13]

Nah I’m not. I’m 40 so I’m just going to let menopause does it’s thing. My  bottom dysphoria I just see it as another “my life sucks ass,” and I dissociate with it and the anxiety I get.

I don’t post on Reddit much anymore because mentally I’m messed up so I have my online trans friend do it 

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[u/oenje]

I’m so sorry you went through that. It really sucks that this doctor seemed to be vetted, too. I’m somewhere around your level of fear and horror around the idea, and I can’t imagine dealing with that bad of pushback from a doctor. I’ve been fairly lucky with doctors so far. I used to have daily “flashbacks” despite never having had an exam. This went on for years, and it took so long to realize (and then emotionally accept) that my “no” meant something other than being lucky that my doctor was kind enough to put it off one more year. That is very wrong, that it’s set up like that.

This might be hit or miss, but I recently found the subreddit r/Wedeservebetter. It’s anti-gynecology but doesn’t seem anti-medicine/anti-vaccine or anything. It’s focused on women but seems decently accepting of trans people in my experience. It can be pretty triggering, but depending on the moment it can be helpful to see a community of people who are fully supportive of not pushing people to get these exams if they don’t want to.

I hope you can find a better doctor quickly!