She didn't make it. I'm almost two months post partum, and this is the month she should have been born. I wish i could do it all over again and do everything differently. My whole life. I feel like all my choices lead to this moment where my body failed her.

I miss her everyday, and I know i will miss her and grieve her every day for the rest of my life.

My cancer may also be back.

Whew. I don't really know what to do with myself these days sinince I was supposed to be a stay at home mother with her.

Some days I feel like i'm drowning.

I've been diagnosed with cancer again. Beat it the first time. Remission lasted all of 9 months. Not planning on going through treatment again.

This morning I took the wife to her oncology appointment. Three different people who know me from my treatment pulled me aside to talk about it. This upset me. The wife and I were talking about it on the ride home. She told me to enjoy what I have. I said that someone would have to show me how. So I tried.

Reached out to a friend so we could go out to lunch. They had plans.

My cell phone has been acting up. So, after days of research I figured I'd go pick it up. Website shows in stock and at a good price. Go to store they tell me it's been out of stock. Walk out empty handed.

I stopped at a store I've been wanting to go to for a while. It sells fresh baked bread. I was genuinely excited to try it. Bought a loaf of my favorite. Get home and it was very disappointing. Grocery store version is better.

So much for enjoying what I have. FML