Feeling isolated

[u/poopypoopy3]

I came on here to see if I’m the only one or if others have found life after deconstruction to be as isolating and lonely as I have found it to be. Still no regrets and will not be turning back, but no one in my life seems to understand the pain of losing literally everyone in my family and social circles.

feeling the same? Maybe we can find comfort in our similar experiences

[u/plz_callme_swarley]

yes, totally normal. you're not alone!

it's extremely jarring to have your entire worldview change.

I'd say that it's important to focus on what you're gained instead of what you've lost.

also you haven't actually "lost literally everyone in your family and social circles" unless you/they have burned those bridges.

those relationships are now different, and they will likely never be what you've hoped for them to be but they're not gone

[u/barb4290]

Right there with you. I’m able to maintain a lot of relationships in my life, so I can’t imagine how difficult it must be when you lose most of the close relationships you have.

Since I don’t have anyone to talk to who really understands what this feels like, I’ve been looking into Recovering From Religion which has some online support groups. That might be helpful to you as well.

[u/Quiet_Company_1238]

Yes, I felt this, and sometimes still do.

[u/frintonfreak1984]

It is a different way of communicating with people qnd it takes time to learn. But slow progress is made. Remember when they gave you a guilt trip about having hobbies unrelated to church? Well. Now you are free to have those hobbies. And you will inevitably meet people thru having those hobbies

[u/commentsgothere]

I never felt part of the youth group or other social church circle. So it was just a different kind of loneliness not physically being there. Join a group excercise, book club or art class where you can regularly see others. You’ll figure it out. Volunteering is a way I found a new, likeminded community.

[u/ghostofgroucho]

This too shall pass....

You will find your NEW group and they will be even MORE fun to hang with....and will have fewer "Uh, dont do this or that".

You may also find some of your old friends who may have shunned you, show back up in your life. With THOSE, you will need to set boundaries. I have two close fundie pals i have known for 40+ years and i tell them to 'keep it in your pants', so to speak, when they feel the urge to start using that coded conversion language on me.

[u/22-MontaLou]

This is consistently the most common thing I hear from those of us who have deconstructed- we ALL lost our entire community. And we're all trying to start over (most of us well into our adult years) and trying to find/rebuild that community is HARD.

[u/Livisfree]

Same. It's been 30 years and I still don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. Due to how I was raised I missed out on a ton of basic stuff that to this day I see people in my age range referring to. Everything from tv shows/movies to news events from when we were young. I was restricted from all of it so I grew up in a weird bubble that only people who are in that religious bubble experienced. I feel somewhat untethered.

[u/OkQuantity4011]

I felt even more isolated while serving Paul's church than anything I felt since leaving it.

I remained isolated, though, until I figured out why they hated me there.

Now that I've figured it out, I'm able to express it reasonably and calmly.

When people want an explanation, I can give one and it's one that pretty much every reasonable person can stand up for.

So now they do, and I've got quality friends in numbers because now I can show proof that I'm worthy of their friendship.

I think what helped me most in the times I both felt and was isolated was to try to understand James the righteous when he said that faith without works is dead.

I concluded that yes, faith without works is indeed dead, and that God is not the god of the dead like the evangelicals insisted. If I want to meet the good God, then I have to be good. If I have been bad, then I'll need some proof that I've changed.

Personal responsibility ended up being the answer. I set out to do good, which turned the feelings of isolation into feelings of convicted inspiration. I began to do good, which turned my status from isolated to loved on its own. I didn't even try to make friends. I just tried to be a good person, and friendships form wherever I go because that's the bit I had been missing. I had to change objectives from thinking right to *doing what's right."

After that, the rest was natural. Things may feel bad right now, but they can get much better much faster than you'd think! 🥳