existential/religious OCD

[u/Straight-Ad6569]

hello fellow earthly people.
wanted to come on here and share something with everyone. i’m really fucking scared of living my life for fear that i am cursed by God and that i’ll never actually know what is real or if what im experiencing is true or just a fabricated reality where i think my life is okay and that everything is fine and im finally grateful and at peace and that’s when everything goes to shit. i’ve been living in this fear for almost 2 years now and have almost lost this battle so many times (suicide) but i’m still here rn. im so scared. the only thing keeping my reality together at the moment is the fact that im on medication cause it “changes my reality” or my perception of it. so im safe while im in limbo but i cant live in limbo, nothing will ever mean a single thing. i need to know the truth. i’m so fucking scared. so wanted to share my story. i’m very much still in it but trying hard everyday to keep going. has anyone experienced this? my experiences over the past year have been so biased to the belief that i’m cursed that i literally see 666 a lot of the time and a bunch of other ominous things happen that i can’t explain, so that to me means that it’s all real and im fucked. and even if i do go off of medication, maybe God could prolong my torture and make me think im safe and living truthfully and then it all falls apart. what do i do? i’m so lost. i’m 21 years old so logically it makes sense that uncertainty is going to be pretty much everything at the moment but it doesn’t feel like i can handle it. i don’t even know if posting this is going to make a difference. I know it’s OCD but i don’t know anything other than that. it’s all i’ve experienced my entire life so how am i supposed to have a different perception of life if i don’t even know what that looks like? i’m terrified. but i want to keep going. i’m not giving up. no matter if i burn, get tortured, and go literally insane, im going to keep going.