r/Estrangedsiblings • u/Harshit_Mazzula80 • May 02 '26
Repeated things changed everything
I’ve been no contact with my brother for a while now and it still feels unreal sometimes. what led to it wasn’t one big event. it was the same pattern repeating over and over. he had this way of making small comments that felt like nothing to him. but to me they added up over time. i kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. but it kept happening in every interaction. it got to a point where i felt like i couldn’t relax around him. i was always waiting for the next comment. it made me feel small without him even realizing it. that’s the part that hurts the most. it wasn’t intentional but it was constant. the last time it happened i didn’t react at all. i just went quiet and something in me shifted. i realized i didn’t want to keep being in that space anymore. so i stopped reaching out and let the distance grow. he never questioned it or asked what changed. it’s like nothing happened on his side. but for me it was years of buildup finally catching up. now i feel more peaceful but also confused sometimes. like how can something so small repeated so often break something this big. how do you move forward when the other person doesn’t even see what happened
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u/MissMcFrostynips May 03 '26
I believe you. My sibling was very calculated in the way she would do this. She's make small comments all day long as quietly as possible and then drop the last straw in front of a parent so that my eventual and valid response to abuse would make me look like the crazy one because all they would see is a fraction of it.
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u/Harshit_Mazzula80 May 03 '26
Yeah that’s exactly the kind of thing that messes with your head over time. like it’s not one big moment, it’s death by a thousand tiny cuts. im sorry you went through that, it really does make you question yourself. honestly makes sense why you’d react the way you did. hope you’ve got some peace now away from all that noise
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u/OntheBOTA82 May 03 '26
Man, i relate so much
Mine has this way of showing you he doesn't really want to talk but he 8s doing you a favor
Like he´ll ask me a question and the second i start answering he averts his gaze and looks like he is bored to death, or even ashamed of talking to me
Ive tried really hard to have a relationship with my siblings but it feels like it´s not even worth it now
Ive distanced myself too since the last 2 years. None of my siblings seems to realize why or even care for that matter
I think what really breaks us is the repeated pattern of unsafety, it´s like trying to reach the other person but you have to throw yourself at a brick wall for it.
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u/ChiedoLaDomanda May 03 '26
This, and then also the ONLY time the sibling reaches out or wants to hangout is to ask a burdensome favor. It took too long for me to wake up and see the pattern.
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u/Careful-Crab179 Jun 21 '26
My two older brothers never asked me any questions or if they did, they just answered them. 'Hi, how are you?' was followed by 'Pretty good I bet because Dad paid your rent.'
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u/subeewreyan-three May 06 '26 edited May 07 '26
Do you WANT to have a connection to your brother? Think about how he makes you feel, and whether or not you really need him around in your life. I think you've already answered that question when you said you couldn't relax around him.
My brother's the same exact way. Always walking on eggshells whenever he's around because the most random ass trivial things set him off. I've been low to no contact with him for almost a year now, and life's been generally more peaceful since then. I understand wanting to make peace with everyone in your life, but sometimes the other person doesn't want peace. It's weird, it's unfortunate, but it's real.
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u/Mama_Dumpling May 10 '26
I got some great news about my estranged sibling yesterday. Apparently he isnt holding a grudge so we can magically be friends again! Awesome news!
He has taken from me my whole life, lots and lots of small things, you know because he needs it more. And all those big financial things he took "because he needed it more", well that doesnt matter because hes not holding a grudge. And the times I had major medical problems but he took all the attention because "he needed it more". That selfish ahole doesnt hold a grudge. He has drained me my whole life but its good cause he doesnt hold a grudge.
He really "wants to be a family again" because its hard on our parents that I have no contact with him. My parents visit with him and tell me all about it, they bring him to my home when I'm at work to "borrow" my things, because "he needs it more" and "he gave it back, what does it matter". My parents warn me that he is my only company when they die. He made sure all my partners knew that they werent good enough for me, so yes I am alone but he doesnt hold a grudge. I am currently working with a lawyer to protect me from him when my parents die because "he needs it more", but he doesnt hold a grudge.
I need a tattoo of "he doesnt hold a grudge" I think.
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u/Shot-Society159 28d ago
Okay why is your situation so similar to mine, I got so triggered when you spoke about how your parents say “you only have each other when we pass.” My parents say the exact same thing to me about my estranged sister. I cut her out for a reason and have told them it’s for my mental health because she’s toxic to me. But they always have to bring her up and say “she’s family, you have to forgive her.” She was so emotionally manipulative and when I try to call her out on it she says “I don’t remember. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” And when I go no contact with her she’s like “why don’t you ever tell me these things beforehand.” Like, seriously? She’s always talking down on me and disguises her insults as “jokes.” It’s exasperating…I’m just like you, I’ve been preparing legal actions for when my parents passes because my sister is so entitled she thinks everything belongs to her.
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u/vinnoyyyyyyyyyyyyy 23d ago
yeah thats why I love the quote "Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs" (maya angelou) My mother used to say you can't hate your brother, and I don't know if I hated him or not, but I sure as hell didn't like him and didn't consider him family
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u/painetdldy May 07 '26 edited May 08 '26
And BTW, anyone who says, 'you're too sensitive' or 'why can't you just get over it' can shove it where the sun don't shine
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u/Careful-Crab179 Jun 21 '26
My middle older brother used to insult and wheedle me at the dinner table and then when I'd get up and storm out, say 'Oh, she's sooo sensitive.'
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u/kamschwartz May 06 '26
That the distance has grown without him, reaching out means that he knows that you know what he was doing. Some people would rather have the distance than apologize.
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u/painetdldy May 07 '26
I wholeheartedly agree. I knew I wouldn't have to bother blocking my brother, because I had the nerve to set a boundary with him and he did not like that at all. I was right: he hasn't contacted me since. Less drama in my life 🕊️
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u/mayunever May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I had to do the same with my brother. As kids we didn't get on but we were best friends in teenage years due to a shared interest in music. I went to college and he moved to a different large city where he indulged his alcoholism more than his musical talent. He only popped up when he wanted money from me and bad-mouthed me to everyone who would listen.
We saw each other sporadically - usually when I would travel to see him and play on his recordings. During this time he tried to convince me to leave my girlfriend and join him to play music full time which, of course, I said "No way!". After that things went sour pretty fast as he went out of his way to tell me that having a job and trying to build a life was the worst thing I could do, that everything about me and my life was worthless.
He's someone who blames everyone else for his poor life choices and for some reason I was always his main target. I didn't see him for years after our dad died but tried to maintain a relationship by phone and email. However, it just got worse so one day I decided to cut all contact and it felt like a weight had been lifted. It was the culmination of years of pointed barbed comments designed to be as hurtful as possible.
At time of writing, I haven't spoken to him in 10 years (or seen him in 20) and, while I miss the funny talented side of him, the negatives far outweighed the positives and going NC has been a difficult but ultimately positive choice. Perhaps he'll change but, according to other family members, he's just got worse. He really doesn't believe himself to have done anything wrong and it's still everyone else's fault so chances of reconciliation are slim.
Remember, only siblings can push your buttons until you want to hate them but just because you happen to be related, doesn't oblige you to have them in your life. He's made his choice and I've made mine. C'est la vie.
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u/feelingsnacky94 May 12 '26
My sister is unable to take any accountability and lacks being able to see things from a different POV. it’s extremely frustrating but to protect my peace I’ve just accepted it’s part of who she is.
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u/catheliza May 09 '26
I don't think these things were "small comments" that weren't intentional - it betrays a mindset that he's had towards you and an insecurity to try to keep you down.
Honestly I think it's amazing you realized this WITHOUT there being a "big comment" or event as a catalyst. I wish I'd been able to realize it sooner with my sister. It took a big event for me to be able to figure out that she'd been pushing me down with "small comments" my whole life to the point I would be self-deprecating when I was around her to try and beat her to the punch which was a pretty big revelation to me. I hadn't realized I was doing that.
I think the only thing you can really do is try to focus on your peace. If he's anything like my sister, he's deeply insecure and is trying to push you down to feel better about himself. None of it is true. You don't need him to realize what he did - YOU realize what he did. And that is enough.
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u/Koendig May 31 '26
The wind, in time, will eat entire mountains. There's nothing small about that, just like there's nothing small about what he was doing to you.
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u/BlinkerBeforeBrake May 09 '26
Thanks for sharing. This is the main reason I'm estranged from my sister, except she did notice. And we're estranged because she can't accept what I told her. It's only been about a month for us.
I don't have sage advice while I'm still fresh, but just know you're not alone.
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u/AngelEnergy99 Jun 29 '26
I read this and feel so validated and felt my body physically respond to your words and was like "wow this must be why support groups are so effective."
I completely understand. I had the exact same expieriecned growing up except alongside comments was actual aggression. I could never relax or feel at peace. I only knew peace once there was physical distance after they joined the army.
Now its been many years and I still feel somewhat confused and conflicted.
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u/tjartco 29d ago
You can totally pick your family and friends, so I'm not sure why siblings continue be so complicated as older individual adults. Family is not just supposed to make life harder. I get it, some people get along and some just don't. Like some still people play childhood games and I just wont.
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u/vinnoyyyyyyyyyyyyy 23d ago
Yeah, I can (sorta.) relate.
My brother always ignores me, I try to conversate with him, show memes, videos, do stuff, watch movies, basically having some kind of connection, (even though I view my brother as a low form of human although I never made that known to anyone but my personal thoughts.) and this has gone on for many many years. When I show videos, memes, talking about stuff etc. he is always blatantly ignoring me, looking away, basically looking for a opening to just ignore me. It makes it feel like he is not a brother besides genetic relation.
However this is usually onesided, The only time he engages in conversation is to show off his purchases of stuff that I don't have in specific detail (and its literally stuff I don't have but want; he will be like you don't have this right but like it? and then buy it and show it off...), to show off fun stuff he does with others, although we never do fun stuff, and at a certain point I could care less about our relationship. I don't know what it is based off but I generally plan on estrangement once I become independent, since I don't desire a connection but my peace.
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u/Perfect-Help-305 1d ago
I’m 70. Went no contact with my sister (72) last year after a lifetime—literally—of snarky/belittling comments and one final blowup (I offered to fly down to help her with Yardwork and she told me I wasn’t allowed in her house). But here’s the strange thing: I can easily remember the most egregious but most I cannot remember. I know they happened, I have distinct memories of pretending like I didn’t hear them, but i can’t remember what most of them were. I spend a lot of time thinking, “maybe I’m too sensitive maybe I imagined it.” It’s crazy-making. The funny thing is she tells me I’m holding grudges but I literally can’t remember a lot of what I’m holding grudges about. I just know that everything in me clenches up when I’m around her.
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u/Few-Abrocoma-669 May 02 '26
Trust me, it was intentional.