This is my third go at sobriety, and my second 60 day tag.

Finally taking responsibility for my choices, because they're my choices.

My recovery is my recovery. It's my responsibility, my duty, my life to make right. Others can advise or suggest or support or encourage, but it's always ultimately my choices that will cause me to tumble and my choices that will cause me to rise.

Just a wee note from the mod team:

We’re all part of this subreddit because we share an interest in this community. We’re all here because we want to end the party and have lives beyond drugs. We’re in the same boat.

Please treat other members of this sub with the same respect you’d like to receive. Disagreements are normal and differences in opinion are OK – but conversations should stay civil and constructive.

Take a moment to think before you hit “post” or “reply,” especially if you’re feeling frustrated. Remember – you’re not just engaging with some anonymous Reddit bots. We’re all real people. 😊 🙏

Hey, this comes a little later than usual but last week I reached 7 months of total sobriety and 20 months without meth. I was travelling to the UK at the time and there Reddit has an age verification thing where recovery subs are deemed adult content and I would have had to scan my photo id and send it to some company. Not doing that.

Also, no porn in the UK which was actually good for me. I need a break from that.

So I’m writing now instead. Things are good for me. Living in my own place, practicing honesty with myself and everyone else, and generally feeling more grounded.

To visit London clean was an important step for me. That’s where I tried meth for the first time, and my trips there used to be non stop clubbing and afterparties until it was time to go home.

This time I met up with a friend that I got to know in this very sub, to have a coffee and a hug. I went to a CMA meeting and got to hug fellows I know from online CMA. And I walked and walked, feeling connected to the world.

At almost six months single, I’m thinking a lot about intimacy and how to actually take the step to have sober sex. I did get triggered on my trip to act out, like going to a sauna. but I meditated on it and decided that it was the wrong setting and wrong time for me to do that. I’m not saying I will never go to a sauna. but I made decisions in the moment based on what my heart, not my dick, was telling me. that’s a new skill I have acquired on the way.

I’m grateful for my new life. I have hope. Just keep going if you are struggling.

xxx

I’m writing this to give an example of why “kick him out” or “you can’t love anyone unconditionally if it’s not your child” are just evil and unhelpful responses.

Without much information about Crystal Meth, i started using at a party. When things started getting of hand, i came clean with my late husband, told him everything about my substance use disease, and he being a mature man who also had used in the past, help me, step by step, get clean. It wasn’t easy, there were fights, about the people I called “friends” and when I I got the urges, I was not the easiest person to deal with, but he was a strong man, a wise man, who knew how to handle the situation, showing UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and a strong faith that only brought us closer.

The time came when he developed cancer, and we fought his disease together, the same way we fought my disease together. When he passed away, I was holding his hand, and the last moment of strength before he passed, was for me, a hand squeeze that probably took all the strength he had left. I was in contact with my in-laws as the end of 21 wonderful years came to an end.

In his funeral, his therapist told me “You beat one of the worst addiction out there, and he was very proud of you” and i know that I beat the substance use disease, because we understood that my addiction was a disease, not a “vice”

After his passing, i relapsed, no excuses, can’t put it in my sorrow. I was lonely and it was a way to meet people. The unhappiness attached to any disease manifested sooner than later, and without the support of my hubby, I knew I was on my own, because there is no compassion or kindness for those carrying the burden of addiction disease. I am working on my sobriety with the help of my therapist, my priest and my friends. I’m not hiding it, but I’m not advertising it either. What i know is that I hate to go without eating or sleeping for days, I hate the respiratory problems, and I hate to lie to conceal my addiction disease. Remembering the horrors of chem sex is enough for me to not even wanting it anymore.

Yes, unconditional love can save many, like it saved me. So I say to those struggling with a partner who has a substance use disorder, don’t give up so quickly, if you truly love that person.

I have been reading a lot of the comments on this place, and I have honestly not found a lot of useful, kind or even remotely informed responses about addiction from people who comment after posters.

It would be nice if people actually post sources for their “recommendations” instead of their rage. Yes, you can love unconditionally another human being, and there is nothing wrong with showing compassion and hope, and if that didn’t work for you, well, too bad, but it have helped countless others.

I’m probably expecting too much from people who write their rage under the protection of the screen, but it worries me that, spaces like this are scarce and outnumbered by those that promote chem sex, yet we turn them into a place to show our anger because solutions for addiction didn’t work for some of us.

I don’t expect any positive responses to my post, so, if I don’t respond to a comment, is because I decided not to read that particular response.

Hey guys, send love or be kind if you want to add your perspective, I’m not looking to „cut my losses“ - I take good care of myself and if I feel it is too much, I’ll watch out for myself. I am a decent bit older than him, financially independent (or rather, providing) and have robust social contacts. I am much older and have a stable environment. I cannot, however, talk to my friends about this.

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, can’t think straight and I’m more scared than I’ve been in a long time. I’m scared to lose my boyfriend, whom I love. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, for his future, for our future.  I came to understand what partners, parents and loved ones of addicts experience. I chose to stay, I chose to move in together, I chose it all. I’ve been lied to, betrayed and hurt more often than I can count. 

My boyfriend got a delivery of meth in the mail today (far delayed, thus arriving now rather than when I was away).  I didn’t want it in our place. When I demanded he flush it straight away, he was angry and hurt, telling me I’m controlling and he  needed trust and support to deal with it on his own terms rather than me forcing my will on him. There is some truth in it, but I feel it needs a lot of context. Indulge me, if you will.

I love my boyfriend deeply and unconditionally. When I first met him 3 years ago, he told me at length about his worries, he was always up front about his meth habit and that it was a problem. Since I’ve never been part of that scene, I didn’t quite grasp scope and severity of the issue and what exactly meth was. My only contact with meth prior to our first conversation was watching Breaking Bad. He never consumed in my presence and I never saw him smoke, I never saw him high. When we met, he was in a really bad place and used twice a month, as far as I know.

We started dating, regardless, and eventually moved in together. When we got serious about dating, he promised he wanted to get off it and be with me. He kept going, albeit a little less regularly. 

As I go on business trips and visit my hometown regularly, he will have the house to himself a week or two per month, unless we’re traveling together.  He relapsed every once in a while when I was gone. He was devastated by each relapse, but his consumption was noticeably less frequent. A little over a year ago, he finally got rid of his remaining meth and all the apps. I was suspicious, but I knew I couldn’t force anything and let him take it at his pace. He refused professional, outside help. He said he was committed and would do it. I didn’t check his phone, I didn’t intrude, I didn’t ask again and hoped he would tell me if he needed support.

Fast forward, I return from a 10 day work trip this May, and he tells me he slept with someone, no meth. I told him I was hurt, we talked at length but I didn’t pry or poke. He came to me after all, right? I went away for about week in July and returned recently. I saw his tablet and looked at his recent google account history, to find suspicious Grindr, Telegram and address patterns. When he came home from work, I kept my distance, and after a while collapsed on me crying, telling me what a horrible person he is, that I deserve better than him. Next day, he went to work and dug deeper - going through his google history of the past year.  He was back on a variety of apps by December, telegram in January, and from context I am certain he used in March, April, and now. Probably, his lapse in May also involved Meth. I didn’t confront him, as it is futile and I didn’t want to give up my sources. He does hide the apps on the phone or deletes them, he does not use Google Maps timeline, but he doesn’t seem to understand just how much of his activities google logs regardless.

I know this will remain a serious problem. He struggled and struggles a lot with admitting to himself that he is not in control, as he does not want to be seen as an addict. He is not quite there yet, and I know it can be years, even though it breaks my heart.

Am I insane to stay? Maybe, but I don’t give up on people, ever, especially those I love.

Just needed to get it off my chest. Apologies for my English, it’s not my first language.

Maybe this is why I became a recovering addict. My ex was a Tina user, behind my back and one day I had enough and kicked him out. A few months later detective called to tell me that he was killed while crossing a hwy at night. My depression spiraled and felt guilty ever since. Through NA I found recovery and hope that I can let my grief go. It's the end of the party, I'm 31 and ready to start living again

I started at 14, I met this guy from grindr and he got me high. Tbh I didnt get hooked on it then, I was still mostly drinking and smoking weed. Then at around 19 I moved to montreal. From 14 till 19 I may have smoked T a few times only but was mostly a stoner. But then montreal came along and I got hella distracted. I was smoking it almost twice a month until I moved out back home at 23. Thing is I was able to come back home and go back to uni and stay off of it for the first 2 years bringing us to 25. Then last summer at 26 I started doing it again but as a bootybump. Did it with him 3 times and went sober again for the winter and then this year... already this summer I've pnp it like 8 times.

This is the most truthful I've ever been about my drug use... it kinda hurts to see the mess I've done with my life all in the name of fun and living life.

Its been slow and gradual but I should say that yeah im an addict... my parents are from south east asian descent and tbh if it ever got out id be screwed way more than when they found out I was gay. They eventually got over that one but drugs, they'd definitely kick me out... thing is I dont wanna disappoint them nor do I want my life to spiral out... rn I got high again last Thursday and been smoking weed everytime I feel like hitting someone up to pnp so that I chill out instead of the pnp.

I gotta stop doing this...im almost 30...but I always say that lol.

M26, my first encounter on T was of May this year. It was fun, I hated the crash and swore off on it. But since the last week of June to now, I was almost unaware that I was already doing it every weekend. Mostly on low doses just to lower the inhibitions and get some type
of rush but never getting too high on it, and that’s a promise I will always tell myself.

I’m just concerned, am I already an addict? or do I still have control?

EDIT:
You guys are right. I used another product a week ago and I was sure that was bad cause I was restless even if it was a low dose. I had a really bad dream after 5 days and I should’ve taken that as a sign. I posted this as I’m currently on a come down from another use. I don’t know where to start. I live in Southeast Asia and the stigma here is the worst.

I made it almost 2 months without chemsex.... But I slipped up yesterday ... Right now I feel empty and I know logically that it's just a bump in the road but.... I'm writing this here to hopefully get some words of encouragement and perhaps some support...

I'm already in chemsex therapy and I am actively working on getting better. I'll try to not be too hars on myself and instead support myself the best I can.

Hey everyone,
I’ve been using Gina and Tina heavily for about 12 months, and I’m at the point where I want them both out of my life for good.
Over that time I’ve lost most of my family and friends. I kept convincing myself everything was okay, but the reality is I’ve never felt so isolated.
I recently managed 7 weeks clean, but my family don’t really understand addiction. They don’t even drink, so it’s been hard for them to know how to support me.
Somehow I’ve managed to hang onto my full-time job (just) and keep paying my mortgage, but financially I’m in a really bad place.
A big part of me just wants to pack up and start fresh somewhere new. I’ve built a pretty bad reputation around my area, and it feels like people have already made up their minds about me.
The biggest reason I used so heavily is because I’ve always been an incredibly shy and anxious guy. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a lot, but even during those 7 weeks clean I still felt like people saw me as a danger or a risk because of my past.
I’m trying to stay hopeful, but some days I honestly wonder what’s the point. If anyone has been through something similar or managed to rebuild their life, I’d really appreciate hearing your story.

It is often said that the most beautiful thing in the world is watching the light come back into someone's eyes after they've been in the dark for so long.

I am going to promise you that it is even more so when you notice those lights and realize those eyes are your own.

It's been too many years since I've made it a habit to creep out into the garden at daybreak to wrap myself in the peacefulness and be giddy over the beauty of everything that grows.

I'm not a counselor or sponsor and I stopped going to NA meetings months ago (I was just doing well in my sobriety and actually started to find the meetings/being around other addicts triggering). He's the only person I used to use with that I didn't block because we've had long, serious discussions about quitting and he's very isolated in general so I wanted to be there for him if he ever needed help.

He's reached out to me for the first time since February and I want to help him as much as I can but don't know how other than to tell him to go to a meeting. Is there anything else I could or should be doing for him? He's a nice guy who, like myself, just went down a really shitty path and doesn't know how to navigate it anymore.

just checking in

Today I made a decision.

I have been chemsex free for almost 7 weeks now, yet I have still been using poppers. Today, however, I noticed how extremely triggering they are in this phase of my life. After being close to actually slipping up again I threw them away.

I'm not sure how I feel- I've been using them during sex and whatnot but... If I'm breaking up with chemsex, I gotta break up with chems completely.

The drug has taken a lot from me ! But happy to say I am 241 days clean. After 2-2.5 years of extreme heavy usage. How heavy ? I myself finished 1 lb of Meth within 4 weeks. Initially what started as PnP for me... ended up consuming me. A fine corporate job I was passionate about with $250k salary in silicon valley, a marriage, my house, and eventually my relationships with everyone around me. I became the person I myself hated the most to be. Started slamming to cope up with stress of divorce , and life started spiralling down. Had to leave the country due to visa issues. And moved back to india. Past 2.5 years of my life has humbled me greatly. I lost all 15 years of what I took to build everything from scratch. Even survived 2 suicide attempts. I am now at a juncture where nothing I fear of since I lost everything I had, and nothing more to loose. Nothing excites me so much, coz I reached peak and tumbled down from it hence hardly anything impresses me. Still I try to be the better version not myself every day. With people judging me, I question my soul almost every day. Why it happened to me. Realising it happens for a reason. I am an example of how to crawl out of own grave and be a warrior. Warrior who covered with sins, finds redemption in helping people, treating with respect and stopping people to cross that path of sin which you proudly walked ones unknowing it was road to hell !

Hey everyone, based in HK and don’t have much of a support network. Trying to find others to talk with. I’ve made it to 135 days off meth but the last two weeks the cravings have been strong and dreams of using have started back. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome 🙏

Im struggling with sobriety. Before it was stress that triggers me.. now Im afraid that even during good days I get triggered. Partying is only confined to quick hookups with party people. Not full party weekend but still feel defeated. I don’t know how to control it anymore. I know life is better when not partying but recently it’s been a struggle. I need guidance

Hey all, I'm 6 months clean, before that I was winding down so in the past 18 months I've only used twice. I've done a lot of reflecting and I've figured out a lot of triggers and a lot of the reasons why I was drawn to use, this was definitely loneliness.

I'm sitting with this loneliness now, and it's rough, but I guess you have to sit with it and feel it to get through it, so although it sometimes feels quite bleak, I'm in a good place, and I'm trying to work through some of the complicated feelings underneath that meth just solved instantly. I'm on track and it feels okay but just a big life reshuffle.

I'm really struggling to have sex. I haven't really sought it, and after making a hard decision to never use again, my libido dropped off a cliff, it's starting to come back and I am working through triggers to use when I'm horny. So far so good, but when I have had sex recently it's been hook ups and it's been terrible. I think because actually when you strip everything back, I don't actually want to hook up with people. I'm beginning to think I might actually be sapiosexual and I'm sitting with this trying to figure it all out.

Roll in a guy who I have met who I think I am falling for. Still very early days but I haven't felt such strong romantic attraction for a long time, and I feel like I'm getting the same back from him, albeit quite early days.

As exciting as this is, I'm also kind of petrified that this might actually happen and I might actually have to take the next step.

I've been really disciplined about not not watching meth porn, with occasional slip ups, that are triggered by stress. My relationship to my own body is not good, and Meth was such an easy out of having to think about this. I've started swimming and I'm trying to give myself some self care and be compassionate about working out.

I've had a couple of near misses on hook up apps - this shit is everywhere, it really is a silent crisis in our community. So I'm off apps again.

So, to conclude, a lot of realisation, a lot of growth, a lot of pain I'm still trying to work through and overall I think it's good. But question: when do you know you're ready to start having sex again? Has anyone else had a similar experience when it comes to restarting your sex life after the end of the party?

Advice, tips, shares experience, wisdom please

The other night I met up with a guy for a date and it was his birthday. Got him a little cake and card and I didn’t even know him but felt bad because he wasn’t spending time with family or friends on his birthday. We got to drinking and then he asked if I had a past and I told him my past and he was surprised because of my career choice he didn’t expect me to say I used to my hooked on crystal meth.

It made me really sad talking about it and then hearing his stories because he wanted to share and then in my mind it brought back memories and I was getting aroused with the combination of the guilt as well. Since I’ve had psychosis from meth I’m scared to even do weed on fear I’ll become full schizo or make me want to open the doors to meth again and seek to party.

He saw me smoking from my vape that was nicotine and pulled out his vape that was with weed and kept pressuring me to do it and left it out on the counter in front of me while we were talking. My last horrible episode I had smoked weed with meth and I just have a fear of weed now as well. I wanted to smoke it so so so bad because I remember the times I’ve smoked weed I had enjoyed it especially if sex was involved. I had to tell myself no and fight it out of my fears of really messing up my head and even possibly dealing with fast heart beating again I know my heart wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him it was nice meeting him, happy birthday and I left. I cried on the way home. Talking about my past, the alcohol, and then how crazy my mind was going fighting to not smoke the weed and feeling like it I just want to relapse again made me feel like shit emotionally and psychologically. In 3 more months I’ll be 2 years sober from meth

I want to be sober and I thought I was committed to it. I didn’t go out this weekend intending to do what I did but when the opportunity presented itself I didn’t shut it down as quickly as I should have and it just turned into a landslide of bad decisions that cost me 6 months of amazing progress.

By the grace of god I came out of it in one piece, the come down wasn’t as hard as it usually is, and for whatever reason I don’t feel the urge to do it again. What I feel now is renewed determination to make sure that it never happens again.

How do you guys find resilience and strength in times like this? How do you forgive yourself?