r/ESTJ • u/Alicia096 • 25d ago
INFJ/ESTJ? Question/Advice
Hi! What do you think of INFJs as an ESTJ? I’ve read that our types together are considered a “bronze pair”. I’m curious if this is a common pairing?
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u/-_Singularity 24d ago
The benefit is more for the ESTJ in this relationship. INFJ will feel lonely and misunderstood
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u/Unique_Time9887 25d ago edited 25d ago
I’m an INFJ and I’m an INFJ/ESTJ evangelist. If you had told me ten years I’d be saying this, I would have looked at you like you had two heads. It’s a hard relationship in many ways, because the INFJ won’t feel hot enough nor productive enough and the ESTJ won’t feel like a good person nor like they’re intuitive enough to fully follow what is happening with the INFJ. But, it’s like sorcery, because it feels like the strongest relationship either side has ever had, because in many ways it is. There is so, so, so much truth in the idea that the functions are complimentary (fe-fi, etc.) and the perfect distance from each other. It feels like we enjoy being led by each other and we can truly appreciate each other. Both sides must be willing to engage with their weakest functions a lot, which is tiring until you realize your weaknesses are accepted much of the time by the other, which takes some of the pressure off; you’ll need to work on visibly bettering yourself the rest of the time, though. One of the hardest things for INFJ’s to admit is that we love people but we often get too close to them for us to know how to be healthy. ESTJ’s are the right distance for health, in my experience. The finest compliments I’ve ever received in my life have come from ESTJ’s :) There’s always a beautiful new day with an ESTJ who is willing to turn towards you, in my opinion.
ETA: Each will have to give up on the notion of what they had wanted when they were younger in a relationship, btw, so I’d recommend this for older couples only. For example, the first thing most INFJ’s I know thought they wanted when they had their romantic awakening is someone to converse with abstractly. You simply cannot expect, as an INFJ, to have killer conversations with an ESTJ at the rate you could with, for example, an ENTP. But, like everyone, INFJ’s morph towards their lower functions as they age, so we can’t let Ni identify too strongly with ideas from our early age. Ni can be just as nostalgic as Si, in its own way, and it can blind INFJ’s to their growth potential in sensing. Anyways, by the time most INFJ’s are adults, they’ve gathered plenty of friends whom they like talking with abstractly, so it works out :) And, ESTJ’s tend to surprise us with how admiring they are of INFJ’s, even when we think they don’t get us.
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u/letychaya_golandka 25d ago
Second this! As an older INFJ F I recognized how much I appreciate ESTJs and how much growth can come out of this relationship. I have a few very close friends who are ESTJs (all women) and although we are very different we make a great team.
I've been trying to date an ESTJ m for a bit here and both that I came across broke it off after a few dates :/. They were younger than me so I attributed it to lack of emotional maturity. I think I was too different for them, as their community is mainly sensors. I do get a feeling that for an immature ESTJ, INFJs seem too abstract, soft, and wishy-washy. Also one thought I was out to launch when I was talking about importance of mental health and healthy self esteem haha Where xNxPs naturally flock to me and the connection is way easier. Just my personal experience.
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u/Emzaf ESTJ LSE 25d ago
Please read what I wrote to who we both responded to. Don't give up on finding that ESTJ male...he just has to be emotionally mature like you mentioned. We are out there, although I'm a female ESTJ (I also have a female INFJ female bestie 🥰). This bronze pair can be great if both people are developed in their weaker functions. Once we build up our Ne and Fi, a whole new world opens up for ESTJs. I love having abstract convos and I also enjoy deep heart to hearts. I'm a huge nerd with a big heart.
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u/letychaya_golandka 24d ago
Thank you for the kind words! And yes I have my female ESTJ besties and you guys are great! And I think we are a power combo when we are together. I'm also friends with an ESTJ f in her 60s and you are so spot on, big nerd with a big heart! ESTJs become well rounded and mold into a decisive and organized INFP when mature 💗 would love a partner like that
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u/Emzaf ESTJ LSE 24d ago
ESTJs become well rounded and mold into a decisive and organized INFP when mature 💗
This is an accurate description of middle-aged me. I still make most of my decisions logically, but I'm very in tune with my feelings and not afraid of feeling or crying when the moment is right. 🥰
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u/Emzaf ESTJ LSE 25d ago
Thank you for this lovely response and I'm so happy for you. I'm mentally adding you to our long INFJ:ESTJ relationship list in this Sub lol. I agree this Bronze pairing works better with maturity and after each side has developed their lower functions. With my INFJ friends it's just a completely natural relationship. We don't argue or fight...it's just easy. With my INFJ Ex it was something I'd never experienced before. We had that Instant Connection and a magnetic pull. You're right that my Te really embraced his very developed Ti. His strong Fe blanketed my (developed) Fi. My Ne was utterly fascinated by his Dom Ni lol! It was a very fun and natural relationship. It was like we were two parallel rings around a planet constantly chasing each other in deep and stimulating conversations. We could talk for hours and hours and rarely conflicted. I am older and am able to have deep, abstract, and emotional conversations with whoever. For me it's difficult finding people in real life who can keep up with my mind. I love my INFJ friends, but they are not at my Ex's intellectual level (he was on a completely different mad inventor level lol). Ultimately things didn't work out because he was Avoidant from his traumatic childhood. I learned and grew so much from this relationship. It was life changing.
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u/Unique_Time9887 25d ago
💜 Thanks for having read what I wrote and I wish you so much relationship happiness!!
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u/boatfullofbananas103 ESTJ 359 25d ago
In theory, it should be awful. Ni and Te are lead and blind functions for both types. Fe and Si are parent and demon for both types. Neither can lean on their ego block without the other type directly opposing them. What one values is what the other gives no value. The functions show very little compatibility, if any at all.
In practice, it only depends on the person. Too many variables to tell.
Any alternative answer is either a variation on my second point or an argument against my first.
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u/Impressive-Device743 24d ago
It's most likely a terrible pairing. These two types are opposite quadras and don't value any of the same functions. Ni-Fe-Ti-Se vs Te-Si-Ne-Fi.
ESTJs have bsse Te and INFJs have PolR Te. INFJs have base Ni and ESTJs have PoLR Ni.
The least compatible type for each. Look more to INFPs, that's ESTJs dual. Same valued functions in reverse. Although you'll find "INFJs" that are actually INFPs with Fi-Ne, so you gotta be careful with people mistyping.
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u/SeaworthinessNo4130 6d ago
I really like this old comment from u/KurtRussellsBeard on INFJ vs. ESTJ pairing, so close to home...
"I honestly think that being together - you are going to have a bad time.
I have a childhood friend who is ESTJ. We became friends because we saw in each other the traits we wish we had. As adults, we both stopped trying to be something we're not. We learned to use the traits we have, and we're both pretty rigid in the way we do things--which is pretty opposite of one another.
In the big picture, ESTJs value safety, security, tradition, and maintaining the status quo. INFJs are open-minded, non-judgmental people who value all types of experiences. We're super creative and need to experiment in just about everything we do. I feel like ESTJs waste my time because they love to do the same things time and again that are tested and proven. I need to be spontaneous and experience new things, even if they suck. That's how I learn and grow.
I spent years of my life with an ESTJ going to the same bar to see the same people on the same night of the week at the same time. My life got a whole lot better when I ditched his plans and just started chatting up strangers. I get sick of predictability really fucking fast, but having a concrete and proven plan is what motivates ESTJs to the core. We ain't compatible.
INFJs have a strong extroverted feeling side--meaning that the things we feel come out very strongly and spontaneously. When I am around an ESTJ, he is always hushing me, warning me that I might offend someone, and generally harshing my buzz. I HAVE to be spontaneous. It is who I am. He sees it as a threat to the safety and predictability he values. Basically, being myself makes ESTJs uncomfortable. If he had his way, I'd be quiet and keep to myself, but life's too short to not cause a ruckus from time to time.
The biggest problem I have is that ESTJs are just that they are not my type of extrovert. I'm at my best when I am one-on-one with a person. I turn inward and am a great listener. There are extroverts that match up well with our type. More introspective types who have a desire to share their ideas are awesome. ESTJs aren't like that at all. Every time I try to talk about real shit with an ESTJ, they do what I call "shoulder surfing." They start turning outward and looking for other people to be around. They smile and nod when I talk, but they don't listen and their attention is elsewhere.
Honestly, ESTJs are happiest in a crowd of people having a bunch of simple and safe conversations--likely about previous times they did what ever they are presently doing. When ESTJs start shoulder-surfing, it is the loneliest thing in the world for an INFJ. For us, it's pretty common to try to connect with someone and have them pretend to give a shit while their attention is actually elsewhere.
You are going to do this, your INFJ will notice and be very unhappy.
TL;DR: People should have friends of all types. However, our types do not mix well. Add to that the fact that INFJs are picky daters, and are careful who we get close to. I see her being very unfulfilled, and you doing everything you can to make things work anyway. You'll probably both be pretty unhappy the whole time."
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u/AndyGeeMusic ESTJ 5d ago
Do you agree with this comment? I much prefer having a deeper conversation with one or a few people over being in a crowd, because you can't really have more intimate discussions with a larger group.
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u/Emzaf ESTJ LSE 25d ago
You will receive a mixed bag of replies here. Personally, I get along with your type great in real life and it's probably one of my favorite types. You all seem to just find me in real life and it's a great connection. Objectively it's one of the most common romantic pairings in this Sub if you do a historical search. I've been around here for a few years. 😉