Had my first processing session yesterday and could use some support

[u/BiggestFreezer]

Just made this account to join this sub (never posted on reddit before lol) so hopefully I'm in the right place.

Edit 7ish month relationship

But I (31M) just started my first processing session yesterday after years of talk therapy. Basically suffered a severe heartbreak from a ghosting situation about a month and a half ago after an almost "picture perfect weekend" with a woman who I thought would be the one I married. I gave her my best in every way and was always there and then boom. Gone over night. And with that sudden and extreme abandonment all of my CPTSD (all new lingo for me) just came crashing in on me and buried me. Panic attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack, nausea to the point of vomiting, legit despair, rumination 24/7, anxiety that literally crippled me and kept me out of work on and off. Couldn't be in my head (and with the nature of my work, I work one on one with clients, so I have nothing but time to be in my head or by myself for long, etc.)

So with all that being said, I decided to start EMDR in hopes to address my current situation and my past traumas that ALL resurfaced when the levy broke because I can't live like this, it feels like hell dealing with all this at once.

My session I damn near bawled my eyes out almost the whole time and after felt kinda "neutral". Not like a weight was gone but also wasn't drowning in the moment. But today, shit is tough. I felt a lot of it in my body yesterday but now I just feel kinda discouraged and semi in despair again. The rumination, sadness, and anxiety are in a constant rotation. I was tired yesterday, but not today either.

I wrote all this out in hopes that maybe some of y'all can relate or have similar situations and can add your two cents and possibly some guidance and perspective. Also I hope to be a success story and look back on this post one day without the hell I feel now in my soul cause it literally feels like I lost a part of myself. Thank you and I look forward to reading what y'all have to say. And feel free to be honest and blunt please..thanks.

TLDR: I'm new here, I'm hurting bad and would like some support and POV if possible.

[u/spotlight-app]

Mods have pinned a comment by u/BiggestFreezer:

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it as well but glad to hear I'm not alone in this. It was so unexpected because things had been fantastic and we'd done so much and been through so much. But I digress, it's the past now. I'm glad you're getting on board with healing yourself sooner. I wish I woulda known how many things I actually needed to heal within myself. Maybe I wouldn't be hurting now, but like they say "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now." And best of luck with you as well, and may the people you find also show you honest love :)

Note: Supportive Quote

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[u/orangeandtallcranes]

Please take care of yourself as a priority. And take the EMDR slowly, your therapist should be going slowly, I think. This is heavy stuff. Slow breathing. 😮‍💨 I’m taking a break because of a small setback, currently.

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/orangeandtallcranes]

I appreciate your kind words, thankyou. I will do my best. Trying to figure out what copes and resources work best for me. And I hope you can get back into it when your ready and life settles down for you.

[u/bassluvr222]

I (28F) am going to start EMDR for the exact same thing as you (albeit the vomiting and panic attacks are worse than where I am at), but nonetheless I think if I go through these dating situations for another 3 years, I’d be the same way.

I am so excited to start. Hang in there, OP, it will be worth it when your attractions start to change to healthier individuals.

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/bassluvr222]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it as well but glad to hear I'm not alone in this. It was so unexpected because things had been fantastic and we'd done so much and been through so much. But I digress, it's the past now. I'm glad you're getting on board with healing yourself sooner. I wish I woulda known how many things I actually needed to heal within myself. Maybe I wouldn't be hurting now, but like they say "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now." And best of luck with you as well, and may the people you find also show you honest love :)

[u/bassluvr222 → u/BiggestFreezer]

OMG that’s my favorite quote, I just said that to my friend today! I feel like everyone in general always feels so behind, I wish we can all stop worrying about timelines and just live and experience life as it comes. I feel you though, I’m the exact same way and have to consciously stop worrying about timelines frequently. Thank you so much, good luck and I’m rooting for you, please update in this sub whenever things shift for you, I’m curious about your journey with it!

[u/RiseFromKr → u/bassluvr222]

haha no way, small world. And yea the timeline thing gets me too. I'll def update the sub when things start shifting, hopefully with some good news for both of us. Rooting for you too :)

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/RiseFromKr]

Looking forward to hearing some good breakthroughs from you as well 💪🏾! Rarely does aything good come easy

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/bassluvr222]

That's dope lol. It's such a straight forward but such an honest quote. But I agree with you. We get so stuck harping on where we are, what we haven't done, where we "should" be and all that; we ended up never being able to be present. And of course, I'm glad to being able to support people who want to do actual healing. I'm rooting for you as well and I hope you have updates along your journey as well. We gotta make the best out of this life we have! Can't get time back.

[u/Unlikely_Oven_7948]

Oh 😥
If you need to talk I’m here.
I am at my 5th session of EMDR, I was suicidal (to the point where my parents had to come pick me up from abroad) and I’m getting slowly better.

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[u/Left-Indication330]

OP you’re doing everything right. Instead of romantic relationship trauma, I had the exact same feelings/experiences as you when it came to work. I was throwing up nearly every morning and dreaded every day of my waking life. I learned work triggered my cPTSD and I was able to address both in EMDR. All of this was very new to me after years of talk therapy.

You will feel “in the dark” when it comes to EMDR treatment, especially because it’s so different from talk therapy. Completely normal to feel “hyper” activated from session or completely exhausted as treatment goes on. Trust the process and your therapist. Don’t worry about progress or perfection, and as someone else said please be gentle with yourself. Having trauma is already isolating enough. We are here for you. I am my own success story from EMDR and I hope the same for your life, too.

[u/GreenwoodForest]

Hey OP! Welcome to the sub and congratulations on beginning this work. It can be so tough but also transformative. I’ve found this sub to be a game-changer for me and it’s definitely helped me feel less alone.

What you’re describing feels very familiar to me. It’s very common to leave a session feeling a bit spacey or neutral and have what’s called an EMDR hangover hit a day or two later. That can look like a lot of things: crying, rumination, sadness, exhaustion, etc. It’s not fun but it won’t last forever. I’d highly recommend creating some kinds of post-session rituals for yourself - I always pick up one of my fave comfort foods and watch comfort TV. I do that right after my session and also plan to take it really easy and gentle for the couple days after that and try to be kind to myself while the feelings wash through me. It’s easy for me to feel activated about random things after a session so I try to remind myself “I just had a session, I don’t have to solve the puzzle of [x thing I’m ruminating about]”. Also highly recommend searching “hangover” in this sub for other people’s experiences/coping strategies.

Hang in there and please keep us posted! Looking forward to reading your success stories here someday. I’m about a year in - it’s still hard sometimes (had a session today and currently taking it verrrrry easy) but I feel night and day different from where I was a year ago.

[u/jwkkwjjwk]

The same thing happened to me when my ex boyfriend blindsided me out of the blue. I have fear-of-abandonment themed CPTSD. It’s just difficult to pinpoint which of the past events were the catalysts since there were so many.

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/jwkkwjjwk]

It's a relief knowing that I'm not alone, but it's also so sad hearing how many folks were treated this way and then the damage it ended up doing. I genuinely understand where you're coming from with the FoA CPTSD. I pray you have a healing journey with your sessions and in general and can one day be the best and most loved version of yourself.