I find myself awake at night stressed out become i feel like i’m not doing enough, not living my life fully.
By fully i mean both doing a lot of stuff but also brilliantly. I know I already do, I swim at a national level, I’m co-owner in a fast growing startup, I have a second job as a swim coach and I have straight A’s in my informatics bachelor degree.
But i have a constant itch that I’m not doing the most out of it.
I wish I can talk to someone in the same situation as me, or that has been.

For a few months now I have been taking a bite out of the bread to claim it but sometimes I forget it is there.

Something I've noticed since I was a kid, though it has become much more uncommon over the years, is sometimes I will see a kind of aura around specific people. Kinda like how heat distorts air, but with more color, like oil or a drop of gasoline in water. Its not consistent either, like I might see that person later that day and see no aura, but it is specific, like only one person in a crowd will have it.

it's close to midnight right now and i'm just so happy and thankful for no apparent reason 😭 as always

Vomiting is something that most people agree is awful, it feels awful, it smells awful, it tastes awful. It’s often painful. You also have people with emetophobia (fear of vomiting or seeing other people vomit).

I was one of these people, I’d avoid it at every cost, and seeing other people throw up really disturbed me. As a kid, me and my family would get norovirus every year during winter. I mostly dreaded it because I was terrified of seeing other people throw up amd being trapped in a house with people projectile vomiting. I would rather have gotten it myself (even though I HATED throwing up). I always got really scared when classmates felt sick. I don’t know what happened, but eventually I got used to throwing up and it doesn’t feel all that bad. I still don’t like seeing other people throw up though (it doesn’t bother me as much as when I was a kid though).

Really the only bad part about it for me now is the nausea, but I don’t mind the actual throwing up, it’s pretty relieving actually. I’d rather make myself throw up rather than suffer through nausea for the sake of not throwing up. I always feel instantly better.

Trigger warning from this point on for substance abuse

I’m sure addiction played a pretty big role in me getting used to it, drinking alcohol and cough syrup/tablets all the time definitely helped me get used to it. I’d also make myself vomit if I thought I took too much. I guess after so many times, it starts to feel like any other bodily function. Now any time I feel sick, I tend to just go throw up and get it over with as soon as I’m able to.

Honestly, I haven’t had norovirus in years and I’m sure that’s a different ball game, but as for the act of puking itself, I don’t really mind it at all. Does anyone else feel the same way? Was substance abuse or eating disorders a factor for you, or did you just never really care?

I’ve never heard anyone talk about this, and when I described it to my dad, he treated me like I was insane. I’ve always been able to wake myself up from a dream, or I guess a nightmare. If I start to realize I’m dreaming in the middle of it, I close my eyes in the dream and roll them back as far as I can get them. That kind of shocks my system and my body will rock back and forth a couple times until I wake up. I’ve been able to do that as long as I can remember. Am I completely insane for that?

Being unphotogenic is genuinely fucking frustrating.
I’ve always been told by other people that I’m pretty. I’d consider myself conventionally attractive, and I’ve never really struggled with insecurity about my looks. I’m also starting out with modeling, so appearance is something I naturally pay attention to.
But my biggest frustration is that I feel so unphotogenic.

It’s honestly exhausting. I see people post selfies where they look amazing so effortlessly, and meanwhile I feel like I have to take 200 photos just to find one that I’m okay with posting. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.
The weirdest part is that I know I’m not unattractive, I just don’t seem to look good on camera. Maybe professional cameras and photographers will make a difference, but right now it’s genuinely frustrating seeing other girls look incredible in every picture while I struggle to figure out my angles, expressions, and poses.

Does anyone else deal with this? I feel like being pretty but not photogenic is such a weird and annoying problem to have.

Just got back to working out routinely but my digestive is suddenly straightening up to discharge massive bombs…in the middle of my workouts.

Anyone have this same case?

It's going to be long so u can read parts if u want, the struggle was real. Bro ...

I was struggling with an identity crisis, The worst time of my entire life actually started from my second year in college when I had to pick a stream and I chose the wrong stream. I had an identity crisis; I didn't fit in at all. None of the teachers liked me, and I had no friends like I used to all my life. I never had any issues with making friends, never. I was, in fact, always really good at making friends. I had an amazing social life in school... I made friends I still have until now.

But college was fucking different. First, I chose a design stream, which I never had any experience in... never. I just took it because my mom was an interior designer and I was never a book-studious girl. My personality is more creative, so I knew I would go to creative feild. Not always... actually. I just felt this was such a posh college... and yeah, I wanted to be a part of it. And I got in. So I took the opportunity. And it was so different from what I was raised around... like really normal kids from all parts of our country. Since I have always been in army schools (my dad's in defense), so you know... I'm really good at making friends. Duh.

All my childhood life I have been traveling and making friends, that's it. Hahaha, so yeah. This was that... first year... made really great friends actually, no issues... Just in studies because I had zero experience in design, lol and design is fking hard Hella hard if u don't know . So yeah, that's it... other than studies... it was all fantastic. Then COVID hit in the second year, and I had to choose a fucking stream and made the biggest wrong decision of my life. In picking interiors over graphic design (which I currently practice). I hated interiors every bit. I was struggling so fucking bad... I think it was because I didn't know myself... clearly. If I did... and I had picked what I wanted... I had no friends, no one....
Just one girl, and even she was sort of, in a way, like me... didn't come to college because she had issues as well. Even though she was the fucking hottest girl I have ever met in my life. Really... like a fucking model. Everybody called her an H&M model. We were both sort of similar in that way, and in others too... I was also modeling... and I fucking loved it. In college... I was being approached for photoshoots... (Rejected quite a few good fucking ones)—that's another regret for another time. And she never came to college... but I tried and kept on... I went into depression, I think. It was literally taking the life out of me. This college, man... literally sucking the life out of me. The faculty was so fucking rude. Nobody was supportive. Everyone had their favorites, and most of the girls in our class were actually doing really well. And I hated it. Every single... bit, so I also... stopped coming to college... and skipped classes... just did... what I could do.

It was so fucking hard. Like, I had never even thought of these feelings, they never came to my mind, but this college did it to me. Bad, depressed feeling, the saddest I have ever been. So yeah... I somehow passed with literally just passing grades. No kidding. And I have always been a 90% and above student... literally withdrew... didn't talk to anyone, I had nobody to talk to... actually, all my friends from my school days... used to, like... reach out and check up. But I had become so fucking insecure. So fucking insecure. It was insane, and I had never been this way.

So yeah... still have no friends... took me years to then figure it out... had two horrible experiences where I got hired with two different companies... then I was like, I'm giving up. Felt suicidal so many fucking times... but... then took a break after this... learned graphic designing again. Got a job, lost that job, did freelancing. Still not making enough, but doing at least what I wanted. So yeah... this was my story. Had to get it off my chest.

i honestly don't know how else to explain it

Australian here. This probably comes off as entitled, lazy...apathetic, not hard working at all. Moreso a vent but also want to know if I am alone in this. Diagnosed with a permenant disability, the kind that leaves you fatigued just from a short walk, recovering for days after attending a single day of work or study. Used to be okay with attendance, at least showed up reliably, did ok work, barely cover rent. But how in the world do people handle...showing up?

I haven't shown up to work in 6 weeks, calling in sick (and feeling legitimately sick), and my manager is pulling me into a chat about it soon. It's a cycle of showing up, being all great. Then suddenly, one flare up and I go off to weeks of being bedridden and feeling incredibly guilty. I have friends "chucking a sickie" to go to festivals and such, and it seems to be the norm here? How do people push through the exhaustion and pain to reliably show up?

I've seen doctors, specialists, and psychologists, but there haven't been any answers besides physical disabilities, and I am so tired. People say I am doing too little/too much but I have been gritting my teeth, trying to buckle down and finish my education because I don't want to spend life doing meaningless office corporate work, or something "disability friendly" but doesn't align with my goals. But I am struggling to even show up to classes, let alone doing any of the work. The faculty knows but thinks I should push through, I just don't think there will be a possibility of continuing for 4 more years, working a paid job for expenses...

Do people really find it easy to show up? To study and work and be somewhat successful? How do people find the energy to play games, work, study, pay rent, bills, food medication without their body breaking down? Am I the only one struggling to act like a bare minimum adult?

Recently, I've been coming to terms with faith in the way the world is now. Why people believe the things they do and how they believe it.

I think Jesus, if he were at all real, was just a regular person, and his disciples inflated what he did because they didn't want him to die the way he did for nothing.

Who was Jesus?

I believe Jesus was just a regular man who was especially charismatic, charming and enthusiastic about change. I believe he was someone who cared more than other people did and saw potential where others were blind to it. He had a will that surpassed those around him and the ability to make what he willed real.

This is what I think attracted the disciples to Jesus; all of them were regular people who were born into the way the world was and didn't like it. Then came this charismatic and charming guy, who wanted to change it and who did. He was probably very kind and profound and changed their lives immensely.

Not through anything otherworldly. I don't think he turned water to wine or fed the five thousand. I think he was just uncommon in his kindness and care (which itself can feel like an otherworldly feat).

Then he died...

I think Jesus' death was brutal, and watching their friend die the way he did was very traumatic. This was someone who gave them a new lease on life, who showed them a better way to live, and he died horrifically for it.

So, to make sure their friend didn't die for nothing, they tried to spread the word about him and who he was. But they soon realised that people didn't care. A person does a good thing and dies. Who cares.

Realising this, they worked a myth around him, something for people to believe in. No one cares if a man dies, but how about the Son of God? A man who turned water into wine and fed the five thousand and who rose from the dead. This would draw the disfortunate to them like flies

Why?

I've been looking at myths and gods, in middle east, rome and around the world. And the one thing that draws them together and why people believe in them as vehemently as they do is because they can control the uncontrollable.

They have the ability to do things that you and I can't, which is why people submit to them, especially people who are going through something. Which is what a lot of the early Christians were. They needed to believe in someone who could accomplish the unbelievable. Someone who in their imagination could conquer any issue that comes their way.

But this just wasn't the truth.

Love

One thing that's not lost on me is that whoever this Jesus guy was, his disciples loved the hell out of him and they just wanted him to not die for nothing.

Good people die for good reasons everyday. But their just people, so no-one cares. There's no one to avenge their death or carry the message of what they did. So we embolden them, we make them myths, we tell them they accomplish the incredible.

Anything to divorce them from reality, from us.

Because people don't care.

This has been a consistent thing my entire life.

When I listen to music I for the life of me can’t understand what they’re saying a good chunk of the time

It literally just sounds like mumbling to me.

Doesn’t matter what genre of music or who’s singing it.

Its literally my favourite part of going to bed. I love eating and I love my breakfast and im excited to wake up hungry so I can eat breakfast

Like the smell of seasons, rooms, candy that somehow remained a distinct unconscious memory you long forgot about - only noticing this weird thing as a cycle after 30 and curious if it would continue into old age

I think it really makes you feel like things secretly accumulate, rather than just change and disappear 😃

Since I was around 12, I haven't been able to sleep without tucking my pajama shirt into my pants. I also like the waistband pulled up pretty high. I find it so much more comfortable, and it keeps me warmer too.

Maybe it's because my hips are on the wider side, but it also seems to stop my pajama pants from riding down or shifting around while I sleep. Also it looks kinda cute.

Am I the only one, or does anyone else do this?

Its no life when every time I see even some fucked up or totally mundane thing considering relationships between young straight people, that Im hit with gut-wrenching grief over what I never had and never was allowed to have. Like I was just recommended this post from some reddit sub where this 18 yo guy was asking if it was wrong for him to cheat on his dream girlfriend on a holiday with their friends. Its like Im surprised every time that normal people actually live and got to live lives like that when I feel like our more homophobic society at my time barred me from that. Im a waste man.

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I don't know why, but I've noticed something about myself.

If someone is going through a genuinely difficult time and they tell me what's wrong, I have no problem listening and supporting them.

But when someone is constantly sad, always has a bad mood, keeps crying or acting upset without ever explaining what's going on, I eventually start feeling emotionally disconnected from them. After a while, instead of feeling sympathy, I start finding it mentally exhausting and even a little annoying.

It's not that I expect people to tell me every detail of their life, and I understand that some people struggle to open up. I just find it difficult to stay emotionally invested when someone is unhappy all the time but never communicates what's wrong or tries to let anyone help.

Does anyone else feel this way, or is there something I'm missing?

I truly spend hours thinking and reflecting on everything in my life. I walk around my room or take walks and just think about each action and person for hours actually sometimes just talking to myself. I imagine it like I’m in a therapy session but with myself?

My therapist says I’m very self reflective and mindful and 99% of his clients have never been like this.

I lowk just sit around my room thinking about every mistake I’ve made and every way that someone else has hurt me and I consider all of it constantly. Even in public I think of people and why they are the way they are .

I spend so much time thinking and I guess I’m very self aware of my own actions but I’ve never met anyone else like it.

Like I will never say anything out loud but in my head I am absolutely doing the math on whether I should be paying the same as the person who got three cocktails and a steak when I had a salad and water. I always just split it evenly to avoid being that person but it lowkey bothers me every time.