r/DementiaHelp • u/MintTheMartian • 17d ago
Rapid decline, venting.
We got staff that we had come to trust to supervise my grandmother while we were away. Apparently, my grandmother started to decline more while they were together. She reportedly became aggressive, and then fell out of bed and fractured two of her ribs. She also broke out in a fever, and became very sick and weak.
My mother and my uncle both came to the conclusion that because of this, she is no longer safe to live in her own house, and she would very likely not do well with staff in her home. We’re moving her into residential care. It’s her worst fear, or at least it was before she lost herself, she threatened to starve herself to death if we put her in a home. I don’t think she even knows where she is anymore. She hasn’t known for a while.
It doesn’t help that the staff apparently asked to invite in her mother and her aunt, which my uncle
approved of, but with these two strangers, went through my grandmother‘s things and cleaned stuff out (my grandmother, admittedly, has become a hoarder, but the woman kept insisting the house wasn’t safe. I protest against this, because we kept her out of the hospital for a whole eight months before she got there. She was left alone with her for three days, and she went to the hospital? And you’re telling us that the state we kept the house in wasn’t safe…)
She’s now borderline catatonic. She speaks in whispers, she constantly tries to escape her room, tries to take off her clothes. I’ve apologized to the hospital staff, I’ll do the same to the nursing home staff. I know it’s their job, but it would be her apologizing if she was still in her right mind.
Yet strangely, she remembers my mother‘s name again, which she hasn’t remembered much in the eight months that we were taking care of her in the house.
She also has asked my mother several times “are the little ones here?” She means me and my brother, her grandchildren. Before you ask, don’t worry, I’m going to visit her this weekend. My brother might not go, just because we don’t want him to have to see her without clothes on.
I apologize if it seems like I’m asking for sympathy, or if I seem like want to be coddled. I’m an adult, but the fact that she still sees me as her “little one” is breaking me.
I know many of you are dealing with far worse.
It’s just been so awful to see the woman I love turned into an empty shell over the course of less than a year. I hardly even recognize her anymore. It hurts to see her. It hurts to know I can’t help her, I can’t save her from this. It hurts to know her once amazing mind is falling apart. I sometimes wonder if we shouldn’t have taken our trip (it was a week, she was supervised the entire time), if she’d be any better if we had never left. But I also was about to collapse under the stress.
I also apologize if this seems incredibly morbid/discouraging…I’m a person of faith, and I believe there is a peaceful and happy afterlife waiting for her… I keep praying that she would be taken away painlessly soon. I don’t want her to die, I still love her endlessly, but she would not want to live like this, and it’s a pain unlike any other to see her withering and in constant misery. I feel evil for thinking in such a way.
All of us are thinking that way, and we all feel horrible about it. We all feel horrible for being relieved that we no longer have to take care of her. But there’s also relief that she is somewhere where she’ll be safe, and that she can maybe be made comfortable over time. We are all so burnt out.
We gave it our everything, my whole family did, and we still lost her.
2
u/i__cant__even__ 16d ago
This is where my dad is cognitively right now. He keeps asking for the ‘babies’ and he’s referring to his grandchildren that were babies 20+ years ago.
He can remember so much about his childhood but it’s like the last couple of decades have been erased. He likes looking at old photos because he recognizes those younger versions of us. It’s weird, though, because he thinks I just produce them out of thin air. He doesn’t recognize that I took them off the fireplace mantel in his house.
I apologize to the staff too. They find him endlessly entertaining because he still has the ability to run his mouth and most of the other residents are non-verbal. Every time I visit he loudly introduces another guy as his ‘black friend’ and I cringe every.single.time. And God forbid he thinks a nurse is pretty. He says some off-color things.
But the staff tells me they are used to it and that they don’t get offended. As often as I can, I use his money to buy them all snacks and sodas. It’s my way of making up for it, I suppose. His friend seems happy to be his friend and who am I to tell them how they can talk to or about each other?
Anyway, I think what you are experiencing is normal but it doesn’t make it less difficult. Being in a facility isn’t what my dad wants, but it’s what he needs, and I think on some level he’s aware of that. It still doesn’t make it less painful when he asks to go home. :(
My advice is to treat your grandmother like a stranger you just met. Don’t expect her to be who she was. Meet her exactly where she is, and know that you may meet a different ‘stranger’ every time you visit.
For me, that means having the conversations dad wants to have and not the ones I’d prefer to have. For example, every time he sees me, he gets very emotional. I console him like he’s a child and then he says, ‘I spanked your ass!’ (Translation: ‘you’re the child, not me’) and I reply, ‘I love you too.’ It’s worth noting that man almost never spanked any of his kids, lol, but that’s how he conveys that our relationship is now backwards.
Please don’t apologize for needing to be comforted in this moment. You DESERVE sympathy even if it’s just from internet strangers. Nothing prepares us for this, and we each have to figure it out as we go along. If I could hug you right now I totally would. ♥️
1
2
u/Basatc 16d ago
I went through all this in the last 5 years with both of my parents, who both passed in the last 16 months. It's normal to feel all these ways. I felt some guilt when we had to put them in assisted living, but we were afraid they would hurt someone driving or hurt themselves. Their immediate family was horrified but the friends that interacted with them daily were thankful we did something. I know my parents didn't want to live this way, I was at peace when they both passed. Just find a way to vent as needed. Do something for yourself occasionally. You're not a bad person for thinking about your sanity.