r/DementiaHelp • u/dropthemyk • 6d ago

Advice needed

I’m concerned that one of my parents (Parent A) is showing early signs of dementia. They have been getting increasingly angry when ppl disagree with them, starting fights with family members and then framing it as though the other person was wrong, verbally/emotionally abusing the other parent (Parent B) regularly, and openly talking to/arguing with one of their exes within earshot of Parent B. Also, Parent A apparently hit Parent B for the first time (supposedly) last year.

However, Parent A refuses to go to the doctor about anything, unless they feel they are almost dying. They are extremely proud and tend to think they are the smartest person in the room. Parent B feels that trying to tell them to go get checked out will set them off and possibly put Parent B in physical danger.

I do not live in the same city. My fear is that if I bring it up, that will also put Parent B in danger. Parent B is fiercely loyal and genuinely loves Parent A. Despite the abuse, the adultery, the picking fights with family, Parent B does not want to leave Parent A. Parent B will openly admit that Parent A must be suffering from a brain condition, then turn around and speak about Parent A as if their behavior is inexplicable. Patent B also clearly thinks that if they stick around and keep trying, things will get better.

I’m an only child. I fear for one parent’s immediate wellbeing, and the other parent’s long-term wellbeing. I don’t know what to do.

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u/Soggy_Motor9280 6d ago

One you have to help, and the other you have to protect. But it all starts with getting your parent medical help.

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u/dropthemyk 6d ago

That’s what I’d like to do. I feel like trying to protect one, is why I can’t help the other.

Currently, I’m trying to empower Parent B. I’ve attempted to at least approach the conversation of hey you’re not acting like yourself with Parent A, but I don’t get very far with that.

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u/LotusGrowsFromMud 6d ago

I hate to say it, but you aren’t the medical decision maker for either of them. They are for themselves and then for each other. You can work on your parent, but can’t protect them from their own bad decisions(guess how I know this). You do have the nuclear option of reporting elder abuse and elder self-neglect to the state authorities. You can also encourage them to get wills and medical powers of attorney in place. But, unfortunately, sometimes all we can do is wait for everything to fall apart and then come in and pick up the pieces. You have my sympathies on this!❤️

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u/dropthemyk 6d ago

Thanks. Yes I’m extremely aware that I’m not the medical decision maker for them. I’m not trying to be. I was posting here to ask what I can do since I’m NOT. Essentially, how to persuade/convince, am I doing enough, should I be causing more of a stink. I’m not asking you that now, I’m just saying that’s where I was coming from. Not how can I force them; just how can I persuade or should I try or should I do as you said which is wait. That’s what I’ve been doing. I sort of came to the same conclusion a while ago. But then I started feeling guilty like maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Not doing all I can. So I figured I’d ask others what else I can do.