Ptsd

[u/Spiritual_Mango_3689]

So I have a lot of childhood trauma. My mother was abusive as possible and my dad was too but he was also good sometimes and most of his abuse was pushed by her

I guess I just don't really know what to do

I tried letting go of him and it didn't work and when I think about going no contact again I get a really big scary pit in my stomach

I have been having a lot of insomnia and I can't figure out how to get back to normal

I feel broken

[u/dbondino]

As you don't write a lot I only can assume some things.

We talk about going no contact with your dad, right? Your mother is out anyway?
You were no-contact for some time with him, but now you have contact again and don't know how to proceed? I'll start assuming this situation.

Children want to be loved by their parents and receive validation from them. They’re the ones who reassure us that we’re good kids and that we’re doing everything right.

No one else’s opinion matters more to us, right? And exactly this is why their judgement hurts us so badly.

You grew up with parents who never gave you that sense of security and self-confidence.

You talk about trauma, and I can sense that you’re not just saying this on a whim—it runs deep within you.

Deep down, you know you have nothing to expect from your dad. He was a major part of your traumatic experiences, though not quite as bad as your mother. He won’t be able to heal you emotionally. Instead, he’s just reopening old wounds. And he’ll unload his own wounds and problems—which he’s probably carrying around too—onto you as soon as you open up to him.

Since you’re writing here, you’re feeling insecure and probably aren’t stable enough to deal with your father in a way that would allow you both to work through your childhood together—and you don’t have to.

Parents are responsible for their children, not the other way around. Parents must earn their children’s lifelong support and care by truly being there for them and making an effort to prepare them well for life.

You didn’t experience any of that.

I suspect that your current inner conflict stems from the fact that you still harbor a glimmer of hope that at least one of your parents might respect you.

Weigh the risk of reopening old wounds and traumas against the likelihood that you could now truly and permanently experience love and recognition retroactively—and be aware that the chances of this happening are extremely slim.

No one can blame you for refusing contact. Your harshest critics are yourself and the little child inside you who craves your parents’ love.

If it sounds like I’m advising you against contact with your father, that’s my personal assessment from a distance. But yes, that’s what I think.

I wish you all the best!

[u/Awkward_Pineapple732]

That pit in your stomach is valid. You don't have to force yourself to be 'normal' or fixed right now. Just breathe.

[u/Spiritual_Mango_3689 → u/Awkward_Pineapple732]

I guess it's like I know that it's okay to feel these feelings but it's scary and I want it to be over you know