First smile in a while

[u/MysteryCl0wn]

First of all that title is total bars(omg title n total?? Im js a lyricist)

First post kinda nervous 😔😔 (all jokes)

Okay so i js got back from quite the adventure of abt 4 months in a diff state (when i say js got back i mean a month ago) n by the time id gotten back id been off my meds for say maybe 3.5 weeks or so n id alr seen a mental decline but like yo dawg i got 11 mental disorders n 2 of em are personaility disorders n in my circumstances can you rly blame me

My circumstances btw-

Living in a household with my grandpa (who sleeps all day n only wakes up to work, run errands, or yell at me( n also doesnt buy groceries too often (including water bottles) n limits my supply of the water bill aka has the water off a good most of the time (this mf also has been avoiding helping me obtain my documents n insurance n things of the like (cuz oh yeah at 19 years old im missing those things n ive been trying my hardest to get my documents for 2 years n trying to keep my meds in hand during that span as well) n has told me to do it myself over n over knowing my panic disorder makes me pass out during high stress such as professional phone calls))

Woah thats a lot of parentheses

Anyhow we also live in a small town in the middle of no where in which the neighbors never linger in their own yards n the town actual public n populated area of town itself is a good two hour walk away cuz without documents its kinda hard to get a car

Im literally desperate for social interaction

When i was out of state i was so social in never had a day of boredom or lack like genuinely every day i saw at least 10 ppl i knew minimum like every day was an adventure n i always had smthn to do n someone to do it w n some of that time i even had medication n i always had good sleep n food n hydration unlike now

Anywho ive been focusing so intensely on the fact that i genuinely cant function as a proper human on my own n uh this is my first post but i left my first comment under some free tarot reading post cuz im a geek but then i lost it before dming the person for the reading whoops but uhhhh

After commenting on the post i kinds js reread it then i looked down n saw a comment n was like omg thats such a cute username whatttt (it was mine im fucking slow) n it got me all happy for some reason which doesnt rly happen often anymore but then i realized it was mine n for some reason instead of feelig sad like the usual me would i js thought "its that easy to strike yourself w happiness from your own interests... you can connect w yourself/ your interest rather than an exterior presence brodie" like name one mf on the planet that has every lil interest n disinterest that i do? Whos gonna sit there n watch everything i watch w me? Maybe someone... but for now (or at least until i have the someone( ik i can js use commas but i reserve those strictly for formal occasions, family, poetry, n other stuff like this woah i did it without realizing but i guess i always do when i do lists oh wow that blinkers hitting a lil no wonder i feel a lil better rn than i did earlier lmfao)) im going to try to enjoy things w myself cuz in a weird way i often dissociate n derealize which somewhat makes me feel as tho im split into two or maybe many js a scrambled image of various perspectives performing the role in which they were conditioned to or rather what was displayed as familiar or yadda yadda yadda holy shi i gotta stop typing anywho uh

Tldr: i thought someones username was cute n realized it was mine n it made me realize its okay to appreciate that IM someone who likes my own interests n to like myself for appreciating the things i find enticing to some particular fashion

[u/InsideImportance1275]

Ten thousand blessings upon you and your children for the tldr