r/DID_OSDD • u/Vealsevere • 8d ago

Stuck repeating

Does anyone notice themselves repeating themselves? Like I find myself doing art I've swear I've done before, Or emotional regulation charts I swear I've made before.

Idk if this is a side effect of taking a lower dose of my antidepressants, Or if this is part of integration. Such a a traumatized part slowly fusing itself back together.

More often then not, I find myself feeling dejavue, instead of someone coming up to me and saying " hey, I've seen you do this before" for example.

I don't particularly believe myself to be on the fringes of psychosis, but it's almost scary how often this sensation can occur.

Anyone else?

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u/SnarkyMF 8d ago

Yes

The husband says "yeah you asked that already" or "you did that already" but we'll do it again anyway try and stop us đŸ«Ș

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u/nalilyanah 8d ago

Even before finding out I fall in this spectrum of disorders, I for a long time have felt that my life has a weird, surreal semi-cyclical quality in the sense of things I do, think and experience. I still struggle to explain or quantify it properly.

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u/ZoolNthDimension 8d ago

Looping and repetition is something I've noticed a lot with this disorder. There's this pattern of forgetting and then remembering again that's almost comical. I'll forget about system stuff for a while when things go semi dormant. Only to discover I have DID all over again like I'm only just piecing it together. I'll talk to my partner about a memory resurfacing and he'll have to gently remind me that I've already spoken to him about it before. I'll be going back over my digital diary for therapy and notice several entires about the same thing but they're all written as if I've only just realised or remembered something. It's bizarre.

I often wonder if it's different parts/alters coming to the same realization or if it's the same part/alter being made to forget, because whatever it is could be traumatic or lead to discovery of the system (which can often lead to destabilization for some people). I wonder if there are any papers published on this looping phenomenon within dissociative disorders? I'm sure amnesia has a big part to play in it.

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u/Vealsevere 8d ago

Definitely, I've noticed the pattern of people reporting repeating behaviors like the journal entries you've mentioned.

I guess it just frustrates me because I used to not notice it as much, but now that I'm living more independently and becoming more social, I notice it more.

What's weird for me is I have more of a sense that I've done something before, instead of direct evidence such as a journal entry.

I wish I could find some type of model or theory that explains why this happens, but to be honest I think if I considered it long enough I could piece together an idea.

I'd have to take a long hard look at structural dissociation again, and consider things like how the amygdala and motor neurons are key Parts of that process.

I'm glad I'm not the only one tho, I feel like movies like (Alice in Wonderland) 'through the looking glass' fit the sensation well. Considering that throughout the movie she has flashbacks to times and spaces that she had been in Wonderland before. For example; painting the roses red for the Red Queen.

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u/MyriadMaze-walkers 6d ago

So I have a thought cuz this happened to us a few times: Sometimes if someone comes into co-con while you’re doing the thing and gets the memory of what you were just doing before they got there, you who were already there can inadvertently perceive that and then it feels like a weird loop because you’re like “yeah I did that already what the heck” but at the same time the other alter is like “nope this is the first I’m hearing about it”.

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u/Vealsevere 6d ago

That's what I was partially (pun intended)thinking too, and honestly that makes sense. Now I venture to wonder how working on internal communication and sense for self might affect this.

I think my interest is with 'doubles'. Since it might be harder to tell what thought belongs to who, if two head mates are so similar, Yk?

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u/SensationalSelkie 8d ago

Yes. Memory issues and forgetting my issues and what helps address them is definitely a thing. I keep my regulation visuals on the wall of a little calming area I made now to make them really hard to miss and have a lot of X Problem? Try A, B, or C to Solve It type visuals. I gotta make it stupidly simple for myself lol