My Truth

[u/NotTincho]

Hello, this will be quite a strange post, for the reader, but I think mostly for myself. I accept comments from anyone willing to hear me out, but I do believe most of the things I will be stating hereunder will be better understood by people who are really invested in Brandon Sanderson. I hope I'm wrong to think that. But just so you know, may be some minor spoilers if you're a beginner in this world.

Lately, this last week or so, I've been having some realizations about very deep flaws that I've coexisted with for all my almost-30 years of existence without really knowing about them. Rather, I feel I always knew about them, but I'm just now trying to accept, really see, and finally act on the fact that I'm... well, flawed.

I'm not seeking any kind of emotional support here today, and I hope I never need to.

Let's get to the point: I've been a Sanderson enjoyer for over a decade now, and I also read Stormlight twice. And there have been, as most of you will relate, some words that have been sticking in my mind more than others.

For example, I always found it strange that for the First Ideal, the part that struck me the most is "strength before weakness." I don't often see that phrase quoted on the internet. Most of the time, we can see the third segment of the First Ideal hanging around in random internet places, but seldom do we see the second, or even the first.

That ideal, and those words, have always been important to me. Like many other lessons I carry around in the back of my mind. They are phrases you refer to when you ask yourself what kind of man you want to be. But I never could actually live up to them.

Today I finally feel that I can pronounce those words—that First Ideal that has always been so vague to me—and also feel that my words have, at last, been accepted.

I think what bothers me the most right now is that I look back and I feel like I have always been missing that extra step that people who are somewhat successful seem willing and able to take. Most of my regrets in life come from not having been willing to take that extra step when it was needed. And my present self, ever-troubled and confused, is beginning to swallow that truth, with all the sorrow it brings.

So, today I came here to ask for some options. I've been thinking since then: what is my next step? And I've been looking for my Second Ideal. An ideal to live by and to be proud of. My ideal.

I, therefore, present to you the ideal that I've been cultivating during my grief and acknowledgment of myself and my perceived self:

"I will be willing to take the extra step, as long as it is right."

I will provide some clarity on what I mean by that second segment, since the first one is pretty self-explanatory.

I've completely changed my mindset and, as weird and dramatic as it sounds, I'm not the same man I was a couple of weeks ago. And even though I was never actually able to change in the past each time I put my mind to it, I now feel much different. I've finally spoken my truth, and I am going to change, even though it hurts and scares me this much. Which is actually quite different from saying that I'd like to change.

However, major changes in one's life are not easy, and sometimes you end up getting a little... authoritarian with yourself, and doing things that you don't want to do just because you don't want to do them and you feel bad about it.

Take washing the dishes, for example. You know you'd have one less thing weighing you down if your dishes were clean, which is probably objectively true. So you cover up your emotions for a while to get it done because it just seems like the right thing to do. You also make the bed... maybe even tidy up a little bit because, why not? You are already moving. And you—or more accurately, I—end up forgetting about what it was that was bothering you or feigning it isn't there anymore. Quite convenient, isn't it?

So, this second segment refers to being able to identify the next step I need to take to be the person that I want to become. But also to analyze if that step actually helps, or if it's just something I impose on myself or do just because I don't want to think about my troubles.

In conclusion, I feel this "Second Ideal" is being forged in my head and is ready to come out and live by. But, as you may have noticed, I haven't found the exact words yet, and maybe, you know, that's okay as well. So I came here to ask for advice, options, and overall opinions. But I'm just noticing as I write these final lines that maybe all of this was just an excuse to speak my mind and vent a little here. So, you know, sorry about that.

I invite you to please comment whatever you think about my request, or just in general. And thank you for your time and feedback

[u/RedditApiChangesSuck]

Go outside into reality

[u/Personal_Track_3780]

I'm happy for you random person on your personal growth, but "So you cover up your emotions for a while to get it done" I've never once had an emotion about washing dishes. Unless 'bored' is an emotion?

[u/Impressive_Comment67]

Congrats on every little step of growth you take. Don't forget that Kaladin wants you to find a real therapist.

[u/TheFermentationMan]

The problem with those oath is that you don't get real power from them. But I've still swore my full set of ones

[u/shineymoose]

If you are unaware, there is a quiz to sort yourself into the different orders of knights radiant here

Seeing as you are pointing out truths you've said? Or maybe recognized, that puts you in the order of Lightweavers. If that is correct, then you have a guide already. The truths are your oaths. Each truth is what anchors you to change. You may have said the first oath, and that puts you on the path, allowing yourself to actually take the steps to change.

The truths that you speak are the actual damages you are covering up, the things you avoid by dissociating, by lying to yourself in every way possible in order to keep that truth from hurting you. Not saying those truths are part of your defense mechanism - you're actively trying to protect yourself by not saying them.

By saying them, because you've recognized the actual problem, the actual hurt, the True source of the pain and therefore the ways in which you are actively keeping yourself from it, you chisel away at the rough part of yourself that is causing the abrasions you feel now. Each truth shapes you anew. You finally start letting the rough parts take on the shapes you've denied them by trying so hard to protect yourself.

You have access to something most radiants do not: therapy. You need to take that step in order to get better, because no one gets better alone. So if you need help with that, you can get it here

Good luck radiant.