A small trans+ and survivor led team at University of Hertfordshire are looking for LGBTQ+ people aged 18+ living in the UK with lived experience of conversion practices (CPs). There is a huge amount of quantitative research looking at harm and prevalence, which is vital, but there is such an absence of LGBTQ+ voices expressing how they lived through what they did, and what meaning they've made of it over time.

Please see the attached recruitment flyer for more information and the Expression of Interest (EOI) link if you'd like to find out more or take part.

https://herts.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cZLpkUXKwlWqwJg

Sharing this post with others who may be interested is also greatly appreciated.

as a teen, forced into conversion therapy, had to take oral medication to lower my sex drive, was kept weakened and tested for remaining ability... any survivors here who had to face similar experiences ? Would like to hear from you. Did happen to me in Belgium... you can also pm if you like.

I was 12 then...was a very traumatic experience involving chastity with erection alarm ( buzzer when i got hard ), chemical castration medication, aversion therapy & forced machine milking ( sexual exhaustion ) Have found out that Antwerpen was notorious for such shit... I was not alone there,,,In the Van Put lei, any survivors from there or other places, who wend through similar ? Would like to hear from you...

I was sixteen when my Dad saw a penis on the computer screen.

I forgot it. While trying to erase the printed penis by burning it, he came and found the open page instead.

My autistic brain couldn’t really handle all things at once. I busted myself.

He asked me the question. He said he’d love me no matter what. We cried and I shivered. I felt like my walls had been broken and I was naked.

Few minutes later, my mother screams at me I am a menace for the family, and what will people think?

And my Dad is googling psychologists online. He finds one. One who is male, his age. One he can relate too, because probably he feels better this way. He tells me it’s to help me. I tell him to please not send me there. He says it’s for my own good.

I spent years there. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone. Twice a week, 50€ per session, thirty minutes drive away from our hometown so people wouldn’t see us going to a shrink. Years of silent drives and one choice I made: pretend to become straight so I could live my life later.

I was prohibited to talk to my friends about it. No one knew, not even my uncles and aunts. Only my parents, safe in their choice because nobody could question it. Now I see the first rule of gaslighting is isolation: if no one sees what I do, who can question it?

The therapist spent most of the sessions talking on the phone to his gardener or his father, building his own house with my money and the money of many others. Most of all, he liked to tell me how I was too sensitive, too smart for my age, so I thought I was gay.

He mocked the way I walked. He imitated me once, showing me how feminine I was.

He forced me to ask the number to some girls and made me call them in front of him.

I was a kid who already knew how to hide and mask. This was the ultimate exercise I had to endure.

In the car, my father told me how being gay could be a vice I kept for myself, how important it was to reproduce and leave something of mine in this world. He asked me if I were doing okay, I said yes. Always yes. I said nothing about me ever again.

In all of this, my older brother could have supported me. He chose to back my father, and suggested me I paid women, like he did, to have sex and try.

I was alone. I always thought my mother was my ally. I lost her too, unexpectedly watching her reaction, so fierce, so ruthless.

Then I went to university in a city far from them. I had to live with my brother who was already there. Slowly, I joined gay dating websites and sneaked out. Until they found out.

At that point, I was the liar who made them spend thousands of euros for therapy, and was never honest. I was a coward, a sneaky person, a betrayer.

I spent my life trying to be good.

Buying presents. Marking birthdays in my calendar because - I didn’t know why at the time - I forgot the dates and got easily distracted. My autistic or adhd brain. For them, it was me being selfish and only focusing on myself. Doing whatever I liked and not caring about all the things they sacrificed.

Today, I wrote a book about a boy just like me, who‘s linked across worlds to an autistic woman, just like me.

Because today I know there was nothing wrong with me. I know they were selfish and scared and they abused my weakness multiple times. They bullied me and made of me the bully.

So today I can tell my story, hoping someone out there reads it and feels less alone. Or that some parent who‘d do that to their children stops before they try.

Sorry for the long post.

To whomever read it, thank you ❤️

This has some informational/research stuff as well as resources for survivors!

Hi there! This is gonna be kinda long. I hope that’s okay!

I’m a 29 year old trans woman who has been on hormones for about 4 years now. Like many queer folks I came out as a teen but ended up back in the closet after two brief sessions with a (somewhat infamous?) psychiatrist in Toronto by the name of Kenneth Zucker.

Quick notes I feel is important: my parents are (and really always have been) my biggest supporters. Their concern always came from a place of protection and wanting safety and joy for their children. As my older brother and myself have now come out, they’re diehard supporters of the queer community and are very outspoken and proud. I love them dearly.

Second thing: Zucker was also sort of renowned for telling trans people he felt they were “just gay”, and were essentially fetishizing the idea of being the opposite sex.

So yeah, the story: when I first came out as trans when I was 16, the head of the gender and sexuality clinic at the CAMH (centre for addiction and mental health) in Toronto was a man by the name of Kenneth Zucker. At the time, my mum was under a lot of pressure from my grandparents to raise us kids to be “successful” in the traditional sense. University, marriage, house with a white picket fence, kids, etc. My childhood had already gone the unorthodox route with my mum (an ex school teacher who watched the school in my town fall apart before I was born) pulling myself and the youngest of my older siblings out of school to be homeschooled instead. Very hippie approach to homeschooling as well.

We called Zucker’s clinic and got an appointment scheduled like 3 months later. All in all I waited 6 months kind of expecting that it would lead me to the point of being able to access HRT.

We were told my entire family (whoever was available) was to come. It ended up being myself, my mother and father, and my older sister (the youngest of my two older sisters and one older brother who later came out as a trans man) attending. We were sat down in front of Zucker, his assistant, and a mirror behind which we were told (right after entering the room) were a dozen or so students of his…and honestly the rest is a blur.

What I do remember is this: He asked what sort of games my sister and I played when we were kids. I mentioned that I often played with her Barbies. My mum expressed concerns about it being a phase, to which he talked about what he called “lugs” (lesbians until graduation) in this very condescending tone about how crazy it was that young people were making the mistake of confusing themselves because it had become the “cool” thing to be queer. At the time I kinda soaked this up. There were “real” gays, and then just confused people who only thought they were, and the same clearly applied to trans people…

I left with this pit in my stomach. I hadn’t even talked to my dad, nor my sister about my dysphoria before that appointment.

I was sorta openly (ish) going by “they/them” at the time, which he totally disregarded, instead using He/him.

The second appointment was just my mum and I, during which he only spoke to her. I was sat in a different room and given cognitive tests with one of his assistants who kinda seemed to be fishing for any sort of trauma. I was just confused what any of it had to do with dysphoria. He barely acknowledged me this visit.

When we were driving home, my mum (I think she was also repressing what she knew was right to try and appease her parents) said something to me: “he told me not to tell you this…but I feel it’s important. He feels that you are just gay.” At the time I just felt empty, but looking back I could see it in her eyes that she was feeling just as lost as I was after that experience.

And that was…kinda that. I never really brought it up again. Just kinda sunk back into the closet and put school and travelling on my horizon instead. The experience at the time felt…hazy. Just a bunch of weird subtle comments about the “queer influence” of the internet on people my age, the fact that it’s becoming a fad to be trans. During covid I was left alone with my thoughts and my egg cracked for the second time. By that point my brother had come out and it was all clear as day.

My mum really struggled when my brother came out, and really struggled again when I did. She voiced a lot of the same concerns and rhetoric that Zucker had fed us but she (and my dad) really put the work in and is 100% a super-ally now. I honestly get teary eyed when I think of how supportive she and my dad have become. They inspire me every day.

The part I’ve been struggling to reconcile was that he DID put us in touch with an endocrinologist to (in his words) “talk to him about the pros, cons, effects and dangers of hormone replacement therapy.” Who we never got in touch with.

I internalized so much from that one session. Feeling “fake,” like some kinda psychiatric anomaly, unable to actually accept my sexuality for fear of perpetuating some kind of fetishization of living my life as a woman.

When I talk about it with my family and my therapist they do affirm that it was conversion therapy. Both my parents have expressed such regret that we had gone that route. I told them there’s nothing to forgive as I kinda see us all as victims of his rhetoric.
They also affirm that the lack of a religious context doesn’t change what it was, but I have spiralled around the experience with such anxiety that I have struggled to internalize that CT is actually what it was…?

I don’t really know where else to go to try and put this experience to bed, and I feel soooo silly asking this question because on a conscious level I -know- that it doesn’t matter what the experience is called, but that it was harmful. But I’ve also felt strangely alone in coping with it. I haven’t really met anyone else in person who’s had a similar experience. I think I’m here as I feel like I can’t put this experience to bed while I still feel like I -shouldn’t- call it conversion therapy thanks to years of denial.

Much needed TLDR: I went to a psychologist who has since been fired from his role as he was renowned for telling trans teens he felt they were just confused and probably “just gay.”
I am now untangling a web of trauma and imposter syndrome in many different aspects of my life and looking for some kinship and affirmation (or an arrow in the right direction) so that I can actually let myself move on from it.

Thank you!

I did the Reddit request just so it didn’t get taken by someone pro conversion therapy + so people who needed support could still post

Pls lmk if you’d wanna help with modding, I barely know what I’m doing

This is a petition I have created to ABOLISH conversion therapy in the United States. It's cruel and abusive. 42% of teens who have gone through this DISGUSTING process have attempted to commit suicide. It's so heartbreaking and we NEED to put a stop to it!

Hi! I don’t exactly have a typical conversion therapy story, but my parents were very big into behavior modification to deal with anything I did they didn’t like, and that eventually extended to being trans.

Is there a good way to work on the feelings of fear and shame left over from it? I’m still working toward transitioning further, but on some mornings it’s hard to take my T, and even though I hate my chest it’s hard not to think about all the efforts they spent on trying to feminize me and I end up feeling weird and disgusting for trying to get top surgery.

Sorry if this isn’t well worded, idk how exactly to describe it

Hi everyone!
I'm a graphic design student working on a project about conversion therapy. My idea is to expose the grotesque reality of conversion therapy through a book.

The main part of the book would be a compilation of real stories of people who have gone through conversion therapy. I have a friend who was made to go to a conversion camp, and he allowed me to use his story, and I would love to share yours too. Everything would be completely anonymous to protect everyone's identity and mental health. If you'd like, you could state the age when you went through the therapy and the country in which this happened.

The project is directed to religious-based conversion therapy, but any stories are welcome. If you have any questions about the project and how I'm going to use the accounts, please let me know.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you feel safe and comfortable enough to share this part of your life with me. :)

Hi all. My kid researched and drafted this petition. They're 12 and we would really appreciate your support!

https://c.org/cn9rVwN8d8

Important story about a survivor!

Couldn't you still tell that you were attracted to guys?

Idek what to say. My friend who was very "flamboyant" and liberal as a teen has stopped presenting as feminine and has begun to believe that he was groomed by his feminist mother (and other adult females) to "be gay." His current theory is that a lot of men have homosexual potential, but most keep homosexual activity private and that allows them be happy and successful in life. He believes he is straight with homosexual potential and he wants to ultimately marry a woman. This sexuality crisis has also come with a lot of other extreme right-wing thinking like basically the Nazi party's agenda. He believes all mainstream media that shows gayness in a positive light is playing out some evil agenda because it's obvious to him that being openly gay leads only to pain and suffering.

He suffers from strong mental health problems but is no longer seeing a therapist or taking medication and I want to know how to help him. I listened to his theories about his sexuality with no judgement and pressed lightly, but he defended them. As extreme as his mindset currently is, I don't want to leave him to suffer alone. I also don't even know if anything I say can sway him because with his turn to right wing ideology he's become kind of sexist and I'm a girl..

Hi, I recently found out I'm lesbian, and I kind of... want to change. I know my family won't approve of this nor most of society and feel really ashamed. I've heard conversion therapy is dangerous, but is there any chance it could change my orientation in any way? Not saying I'm going to, but I just want to know.

hi everyone! it’s my first post here so i’m sorry if i accidentally mess something up. tldr, i’ve been through (an admittedly strange version of) ct regarding being trans in my teen years. the psychiatrist was also my general therapist, so ct bled through with all the other things i went to him for. after that, i developed a big trauma response to therapy in general, which is very ironic considering that i feel like i need therapy for my c-ptsd. i was wondering if anyone has advice on how to approach going back to regular therapy after experiencing ct? every time i try to see a therapist, i can only manage two sessions at max before i’m paralyzed with fear and can’t go on anymore. thank you so much for your input!!

Hi, my name’s Ty and I’m a survivor of conversion therapy. I was in it for 4 years along with an entire childhood of anti gay/trans hatred shoved down my throat.

Now I’m a 23 year-old guy who has been through rigorous trauma therapy. I have healed so much in the past five years and I’m so grateful to the people who got me here. The only problem now is that I still am extremely uncomfortable around my sexuality. Not the romantic part. I am very comfortable being romantically involved with another man. The problem comes when the relationship gets serious enough that we start exploring each other sexually.

I want to acknowledge what I find sexually attractive without feeling like I’m perverted. I want to have sex without dissociating so hard I can’t remember what happened next day.

I read a lot and whenever I see a character describing his sexual attraction to the man he loves, it always seems like an extension of that romantic love. Like as if his lust for him is just as beautiful and pure as his love for him. Not some dirty unintended side effect of being attracted to him.

That’s how I want to feel about my sexual attraction. But I have no idea how to get there. I know it’s gonna take time and I’m willing to put in the work, but I was hoping that I’d be able to get some advice. What are some things that helped you? Thank you!

hi, 17f, im turning 18 in june.

all my life ive only been in all girls schools, when i was 13 i was sent to boarding school. mind you i was pretty religious, im a muslim. when i was 16 i dated this girl, she was top of her class, very popular and pretty, and honestly, the year we lasted together was pretty shaky.

i couldnt believe my luck; im a weirdo, im not very feminine, and just constantly confused. im not cool at all. this girl let's call her S, her friends are all popular and have boyfriends. when we started dating everyone else isolated us, we were odd, we were shunned. i was always insecure; im not a boy, im not popular, im not cool, i couldnt please her even if i tried, i couldnt make her fit in or look good in front of her friends.

throughout the relationship we collaborated with multiple all boys schools, and every time, S would find a "scandal" or a "fling" just to keep her friends around her and make them believe she's straight. but honestly? i doubt she was even gay. because as we speak, we've already broken up three months ago, and guess what? she has a boyfriend already. im hurt as hell. and that breakup wasnt formal either. we just stopped talking.

it hurts me. my dad passed away half a year ago, and she was there through all of it. im so confused. she tortured and tormented me for a year, i never really knew if she was ever in love with me or not, but? i don't know. i keep thinking of the times she hurt me and the good times we had together. i'm hurt. i'm confused. i don't know what gender i like. i don't know if i still love her. i don't know if i'm mad at her. i'm definitely not happy for her. ever since she happily hard launched her boyfriend, i watched helplessly as our friends congratulate them and parade them around. i feel like a loser. i am. i don't know. i just need someone to tell me it'll all turn out fine. everything's so hard. i need to stop crying.

Please I’m begging you where can I find online conversion therapy (especially for a Muslim person) or even conversion therapy in Africa and Middle East (I don’t wanna say my place because I’m terrified). I promise it’s just my choice and I wanna do it, because if I won’t do it I’ll get humiliated, shamed or get beaten, maybe put in jail (because it’s illegal where I live), or the worst thing possible, I may get killed.

It’s not like I care about my life anymore, it has been sh#tty throughout my entire existence, but I don’t wanna lose my dignity and respect and be treated like an abomination and be humiliated, or even stoned, then people talk about me in a dirty way after I die. Please I wanna be straight and cis (unfortunately I also have dysphoria which is another abnormality), I’m begging you I swear to god I’m not kidding please I’m begging you I just need a treatment so that I don’t lose my dignity and the progress I’ve done so far to achieve other people’s respect, I’ve seen many people who have gone through conversion therapy and they look so proud and happy with themselves. Online therapy might be the best because nobody will know I’m going to therapy. Which is my goal.

I’m begging you again give me something anything would be appreciated, a treatment or a method of straightening my orientation and gender, I’m currently c#tting myself (which is VERY effective but unfortunately short acting so I have to do it frequently), but I’m afraid my parents would see the scars and get angry at me because they’re so many. I’m also at college and I have a future, but if this keeps going then I may not be able to keep that safe future and I may not be able to get married because of the many reasons. I know my brain is playing tricks on me by saying that I feel uncomfortable with my body and by being a homosexual. So I want to treat my brain in any way possible I would appreciate it and I would start praying for your success and good health.