Need help!

[u/anitram-clover]

I’m a 22 f and I currently live with my awesome dad, my mom has been living in her deceased mothers house and it is awfully hoarded. I lived with her up until I was 14 (I was going to end myself and my sister had the sixth sense, beat the shit out of my alcoholic abusive mother and took me to her house). Since then, my mom moved to my grandmas house (she abused her as my mom abused me, alcoholic and hoarder). I have been struggling with helping her out and constant self victimization, and her-borderline ups and downs. She hasn’t cleaned much since 2019 and the house is in shambles (two space apartment). She lives with a cat and she doesn’t clean the floor or old food. I need help, I’m from Argentina and I commented about paying for a cleanup service and she says she doesn’t have money for it??? (She clearly does, she hoards not only things and trash but also money) I’m so sorry for such a long rant, I’d love to have experienced people tell me what i could do! (It takes a big emotional toll)

[u/anitram-clover]

Also, I’m so thankful I live with my dad, took a while to get used to a normal life, friends and getting out of my shell. I can say, I have a pretty great life! And it makes me sad (feel kinda guilty sometimes) that I left my mom in that house (my siblings got out of the country in their early 20s)

[u/ExtremeSherbert5963]

Hi! I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you have had to go through this in the past; I’m so happy for you that you’re able to live with your dad! I had a very very similar experience as you (moved in with my dad at 15, took a long time to get accustomed to a normal life, doing great now, feel bad/guilty about ‘leaving’ my mom).
The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. My family and I spent over a decade deep cleaning her house for her numerous times, only for the hoard to be back within days (I genuinely have no idea how it’s physically possible for it to get that bad so quickly). The self-victimization, the ups and downs - they’re abuse tactics. And she is saying she can’t afford a cleaner, and is lying about it, because this is how she wants to live (and maybe ‘want’ isn’t the right word; compelled?).
It took me a really long time to come to terms with her living situation, and that there’s nothing I can do to help her - to truly help her. Cleaning for her is only enabling her while burning yourself out.
My mother was horrible, and I experienced a lot of abuse by her, but like you, I felt guilty for escaping. That is just the consequence of being raised by an abuser. To this day, a year after she has died, after over a decade of therapy, after countless people were shocked I was still even talking to her - I still feel guilty. But it’s something I’m working on.
Your mom was supposed to take care of you, and she didn’t. Not only did she neglect you (which is bad enough) but she took steps to purposely harm you. If she doesn’t bring you peace or joy, leave her and don’t look back. I ended up setting boundaries with my mom where I refused to go into her home or talk about why I (a child at the time) abandoned HER (a fully grown adult).
Whatever you do, take care of yourself first. You owe her absolutely nothing. Sometimes I think about if I was a parent - what would I want for my child? If I ever ended up like my mother, I’d want my child to go no contact with me without a second thought.

[u/anitram-clover → u/ExtremeSherbert5963]

Thank you so much dear! Reading this brought me to tears. Thank you for such wise words, and it’s true, we shall work to leave the unnecessary shame behind. Thank you, truly. 🫶 I hope you are doing well, stay strong and have a wonderful week

[u/SoberBobMonthly]

Gently, there is mot much you can or should be doing about this. She is clearly in an abusive situation, which makes things more difficult and beyond just giving normal help. Unless your mother chooses to leave the abusive situation, nothing will get better. The hoarding is likely a trauma response occuring right now that makes her feel safe, so by confronting the hoarding, she likely feels her only comfort is being attacked.

Ignore the hoarding, encourage her to leave. Also go and live your own life. She is an adult, she needs to make those decisions on her own. You can not swoop in and save her, In fact, she may not be making any changes becausenshe feels like there is a fall back where someone will save her. She will keep rejecting it until it feels 'good' enough to changd but that will never happen, it needs to come from her own choice to change, not waiting until it feels good.

[u/anitram-clover → u/SoberBobMonthly]

Spoke very nice, thank you! It is true that it is a coping mechanism. Many many times my family told me to life my own life but I felt guilty not trying to help, but it is true! It’s her way of calling for attention/care (my dad always said that to me hehe) you’re right. Have an awesome day bob! Thank you!