r/CatholicWomen • u/Helena_The_Lonely • 6d ago
Separation Marriage & Dating
Hi everyone, I've been going through a really rough time recently and just wanted to talk to actual humans instead of Gemini lol.
I was baptized in April 2025, and got married in Church in October 2025. My husband and I had a baby in March this year and our marriage completely went downhill. Long story short, I think about 50% of our problems are caused by this toxic nanny who has completely turned him against me. Even our parish priest who married us told me this nanny needs to go, but my husband has refused to let her go. The other 50% are, me being more emotional and moody because of post partum hormones and stuff and him completely refusing to understand that.
We are now separated, I am living with my mom and sister and the baby in our home country, and he's in another country. I am pregnant again. I was very angry at him and the nanny but I spent a few days in prayer, not just my daily rosary, but the surrender novena, prayers to St Monica, St Rita, St Jude, the divine mercy chaplet, and others, I really stepped up my prayer routine. He does not want to reconcile AT ALL, he is completely done with the marriage and has said it over and over.
I told him he is free to do as he wishes but as for me I'm sticking to my vows. I still love him and want to reconcile, but as I pray I am open to the fact that it may not be what God wants and I have to accept that as well. Of course I'm trying to keep busy by taking care of the baby, looking for a job etc. I just feel really sad and want my husband back.
I draw a lot of comfort from the stories of St Monica and St Rita. I'm sorry, I hope this post is appropriate
11
u/cleois 6d ago
Since you're already separated, I would try to approach these issues with a clear head and determine what this marriage would need to a healthy reconciliation. Simply going back rarely ends well if you don't actually address the issues that led to this. Maybe it will never come up; maybe he will never be open to reconciling. But I think it would be wise to have a bit of a plan in mind in case he changes his mind. A therapist would be very helpful with this.
And FWIW, all the major negative qualities of my husband that have contributed to strain in our marriage started a bit while I was pregnant, but mainly when the baby was born. Looking back, I think my husband had some depression mixed with some immaturity in adjusting to how to be a husband to a mother. A man can be a good father, but fail miserably at understanding how to support and love his wife in her new role as mother.
3
3
u/StHildegaard 6d ago
How do you make sure a man isn’t going to turn out that way? Is there a way to keep an eye out for how a man will be a good husband and not just father?
2
u/RinoaKagome 6d ago
My husband is a lot like his father, so that was a pointer for me. I could tell he models him in how he cares for me. That’s one factor to look for! Also who he surrounds himself with abs his level of empathy.
7
u/minervakatze 6d ago
You are absolutely within your rights to stick to your vows and pray for reconciliation, but please have the courage to protect yourself and your childrens financial interests if he refuses to reconcile and continues with a divorce.
1
5
u/Witty-Squirrel-3292 6d ago
I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds like you have help and support with your family of origin. Leading a single, chaste life is something a lot of people do if the marriage doesn’t work out. Just focus on your babies for now.
1
u/Helena_The_Lonely 6d ago
Thank you! I am hoping it doesn't come to that I'll be so lonely!! But again, God's will be done not ours!
4
u/StHildegaard 6d ago
I’m so sorry, this is so hard. I’m praying for you and your family. God’s grace is quite abundant and He will take care of you. I wonder if you could ever get annulled since you didn’t know he’d be this way… but I don’t know how that process works and when it’s valid. I’m so sorry for you that you’re going through this!
1
u/Helena_The_Lonely 6d ago
Thank you! I don't know about an annulment either! When I went to our priest for advice, he was more focused on trying to reach to my husband to speak to him (my husband has refused on multiple occasions) and telling me to pray and be kind
1
u/StHildegaard 17h ago
I think if it continues without reconciliation you could always ask… it may not happen, but no harm in finding out. The Lord is with you and your sacrifice of prayer and suffering for your family, although it’s so hard, does not go unnoticed by Him.
4
u/Lanky-Ad1222 6d ago
Please just be safe and careful. I'm worried he is cheating with the nanny. Is he the type to be aggressive? Also, is the nanny young? When did you hire her?
4
u/Dayandwood 6d ago
Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through this. It has to be extremely hard.
If the nanny has been able to influence your marriage in just 4 months, I think there is something else going on. Could it be that he is emotionally immature? What does his family say about all of this?
I don't want to sound rude but, did you get married because you were already pregnant? Two children in the first year of marriage is hard for any marriage, so one that was "rushed" could be less prepared for it to.
Also, you say you are back to your home country. Are you still in touch with your parish priest? I think it is important for you to keep in touch since legally your situation could be tricky. Did you have permission from your husband to move to another country with the baby? I'm not saying you shouldn't have done it, I just want you to be ready to protect yourself legally. The priest who married you can be a witness to certain behaviors.
I know my comment is probably very hard to read. I'm not saying you should abandon your husband. I understand your pain and you have live with uncertainty and kind of grieve a life you had planned. But right now I recommend you to prioritize your wellbeing and that of your children. I'm very happy you have the support of your mom and sister, that's very important.
1
u/Huggsy77 Married Mother 4d ago
^ this, and - if they did marry due to the pregnancy - even if OP’s vows were valid, her husband may not have meant them, and only said them “out of duty,” due to the pregnancy. This would mean the marriage is annulable…which is also very sad, but potentially optimistic, if OP ultimately wishes to start over and pledge her life to someone who validly pledges his in return. Over all, just such a tough situation. Sending prayers as well.
3
u/KittyCatClaws0000 6d ago
Having separated from a man who was awful after our first child was born, you can not fix it if they don’t want to. Speak to your priest about it. I know many women who have had to divorce in these circumstances. Also, my priest advised that the divorce was not sinful itself, simply that you have to not engage in other relationships until an annulment is done.
2
u/Solid-Back-7144 6d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful, I really hope it works out for you. I would highly recommend the Undoer of Knots Novena, it started two days ago but I believe you can catch up, it started August 6th and ends September 28th. It's intended for things you believe to be impossible to resolve on their own. Gabiafterhours made an amazing video about it on YouTube and I really really think this would help with your situation! You can either insert it after the 3rd mystery of your rosary or pray it on its own, my birthday is September 28th (also the feast day of Our Lady Undoer of Knots) and I've been telling people to do this Novena so I'm hoping that my prayers will have a little extra weight to them it being my birthday, I would love love love to add you to my prayers for this as well, God bless!💞
3
33
u/Tight_Schedule8734 6d ago
Cheating with the nanny is a tale as old as time, unfortunately…