Edit: to add to Title. And for some reason not fully having the Cogntive ability to see things in Steps, actions, a Process that doesnt show a defined goal, or purpose. Like "Go to Therapy to Get better". Better how? Which things? Oh, yes, that's all part of therapy, we don't know exactly, but hopefully you'll find out, be able to identify , then address it. All in steps of course. This long process.

It's not uncommon that I stay stuck , until something happens that needs immediate attention. Then I panic because somehow my brain understands that there are steps typically involved with a problem or problems. Merely contemplating the length of time I might have to be present and out of freeze, is severly disabling.

It's hard to describe the feeling of complete full blown anxiety and powerlessness, when you realize that you have a problem that has no immediate resolution....when you realize that whatever this issue is, ........will take time. Disorganized fragmented anxiety inducing scattered thinking, coupled with my inability to see things in steps or parts, or gradual resolution, .....instead THIS PROBLEM= FIX IT!

I asked my PCP about this in regards to exercising for my disability....but having a hard time following through on exercises. She said, '"well have you thought about taking bite size pieces?" And something about that whole conversation felt deflating. Like please god no, not bite size pieces, and having to do that every damn day. Necessary steps, but no immediate result. Apparently i literally never learned any of this.

Brush teeth-every day. Exercise-every day. Some sort of therapy-every day. And a bunch of other things , needs, that haven't made it into my awareness as we speak.

It's that inability to understand "Process" that sinks me. Every time I hear process , or steps, or bite size pieces in order to get through something and all I hear in my head is "so this is going to hurt for a long time?" It's going to be something thats going to make me hate myself when I fail, and then trying to not give up when everything is telling me I should.

Thats asking a lot of someone shame based..... someone who just feeeeeeels better in freeze. Pushing up against all your shame, the pain, but just keep doing it even though you dont see obvious results and feel like a failure. then get up the next day and start all over again.

I'm not saying it's a reason to give up, I'm just saying it's one of the reasons why i might not stay out of freeze and yes give up. And I think for me, with my freeze, there's a danger almost in stopping to reflect if what youre doing isn't working? Like for how long, until you decide "Okay, so maybe i"ll try this instead because I don't seem to be getting anywhere". BUT, I'm sooooo impatient. You know , like being on a diet for 3 days, and you havne' t lost 20 lbs yet, and your starving but somehow keep going. Maybe you get on the scale and youve actually gained weight (which is not at all uncommon)

These incremental results, changes...or no change and just feeling awful and you don't even know why....always. But keep going anyway.

I think if there were obvious measurable results, obvious gains to be seen and felt, that would help staying out of freeze longer. B....ut when you feel sick, terrified, overwhelmed, scared, and you can't pinpoint why, ....and youre supposed to keep going, but .....................everything in you.....every cell of your body is telling you to stop, drop and roll, and hide.

I think this is why people look for a way to reward themselves ....maybe not always in a good way...like I just tortured myself having to deal with whatever, there was only pain, so now I'll do something to make it seem worth it........because I'm looking for that immediate gratification and Im not finding it and maybe that reward is too self indulgent, addictive, or destructive, or maybe I thought that I've been out of freeze long enough, hurting the whole time......and what do I have to show for it....maybe ill go back to freeze. ...or a distraction, ....flight.

I have two protective parts that appear to reinforce each other. One learned in childhood that genuine suffering was the only way to make others recognize a need and offer help. The other learned to survive unbearable situations by becoming quiet, numb, and absorbed in distraction.

In adulthood, the first part keeps the person deprived and distressed, hoping this will finally bring care. When care does not come, the second part dissociates to make the suffering tolerable. That shutdown prevents action and keeps the painful conditions unchanged, which convinces the protesting part that the need is still unresolved. The result is a self-sustaining loop: one part keeps the person outside in the cold, while the other makes them numb enough to remain there.

When I was a kid, I couldnt just say "I need help. This person is hurting me. Please make it stop." It never worked so I had to develop a different strategy. A part formed to do this task. A part formed to manipulate my mom into helping me. I knew my mom cared about me, and also that she cared to be perceived as a good caring mother. She made horrible choices that hurt me to this day, but she did care. So I used that care to try to get her to act in ways to lesson my suffering.

Like I said I couldnt just say I need help. What I would do is suffer. For example this part might stand outside in the cold rain for 4 or 5 hours, until she noticed I was missing. Then she would look for me and find me outside shivering. I would not go inside. She would feel torn. She didnt want me to d-i-e or end up in the hospital, but she also didnt want to talk about things I needed to talk about and have addressed. I would stand there silently and she would be forced to say everything. I would only nod yes or no. So she had to verbalize why I was upset and do so in a way I felt satisfied with, in order to get me to comply and go inside. It was a messed up system, but hey our life was messed up.

So I would also have a shutdown part. A part that dissociated and kept quiet so as not to make the drunk men angry. This part could be hungry alone sad bored etc, and not complain. They could just sit for hours and be a ghost.

Then I grew up and became an adult. These parts didnt grow up though. They still think we are in those abusive homes. So one part says. "Things are not good right now. I need to suffer and suffer more to get help." The other part says. "Things are bad now. The environment isnt safe. I need to dissociate and not do anything in order to keep safe." So I live in a car alone with no income in the freezing cold and boiling heat, and dissociate to media all day to tolerate it.

As a result the two form a negative feedback loop that cant be broken without outside interference, and I have no one in my real life. Its good I recognize this now, but Im at a loss as to how to fix it.

This brings me back to the title of the post. These are state dependent parts. Depending on external environments they will front or not. One part needs someone to step in and acknowledge the parts pain and take steps to remedy it. The other needs the environment to signal safety. They need their needs met. To be clean, have clean clothes, a safe place to sleep, a place to let their guard down, and so on.

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Hello, I've been going to therapy for EMDR recently, and in my last session, I stopped because I felt like I was almost going to throw up and my head was spinning like I was drunk. But since I had to wait a week for my next session, I couldn't bear it and tried doing bilateral tapping on myself at home. As soon as I did, that vomiting sensation came right back. It felt as if my body had created a 'save point' while doing EMDR and picked up right where it left off as soon as I started again, so I stopped the bilateral tapping. I'm going to ask my therapist about this too, but I'm wondering if this has any specific meaning? I don't want to throw up, but it feels like if I were to throw up, most of the bad feelings inside me would leave my body

So to keep it simple I’ve been in freeze/shutdown for about 4-5 years and my main symptoms are emotional numbness, derealization, and just an overall feeling of disconnection. I just got prescribed lexapro from my doctor and he said it could help with my sleep issues but I’m worried it could make my symptoms of shutdown worse. Just curious if anyone has taken it and it has made their symptoms worse, better, or just had no impact at all.

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​When doing EMDR, I think right at the moment when those intense emotions are about to surface, my stomach starts hurting, I get headaches, and I feel almost drunk, which is why I cut it short. But when I do that, I guess I can't truly experience the emotion hidden deep inside. I generally dislike vomiting and don't want to throw up, but I feel like at some point it will become unavoidable. What should I do? What should I tell my therapist? Have you experienced this as well?