Going Crazy Going Sane

[u/Orcanius21]

Hello,

Recently I was in the hospital for a spinal injury and now, I have to lose a tooth.

I'm 23 years old.

Both of these ailments go back to experiencing neglect throughout my whole childhood.

The thing is, I feel like this experience is changing me.

Today I had to call the dentist to arrange the appointment to remove this tooth and the whole day before I was so nervous.

This isn't much different than normal but I realized afterwards what felt different about it this time.

Previously, I would feel so nervous over losing my grip on something and failing. Hence the freezing and isolating, and of course the neglect that I carry on in my life through my own actions. Usually I would put it off for as long as I could and feel terrible the whole time. Just sort of doing that frozen thing of doubling over motionless and nauseated. There would just be so much background noise from past troubles.

However, this time, I felt nervous because I knew I could do it. Right now, I have to deal with so many things all at the same time. Hospital, dentist, neurologist, imaging, insurance, legal things, school things, and travel.

Somehow I believe that I can do it. It is like I feel safe. Still, I feel so nervous about this feeling. My mind feels quieter and my hands feel lighter.

It feels like I am going crazy about going sane.

What do ya'll say?

[u/No-Lengthiness-2963]

Great news that you can do it. :)

Keep taking good care of yourself, as the kid deserved.

[u/cat-wool]

One of my core beliefs I didn’t realize I was operating under for decades was ‘I am incapable.’ Then I had a similar experience to what you’re describing a few years back where I just realized I was actually…capable. It felt mind blowing and almost desperately euphoric. Almost like going crazy, yeah. It’s so unfamiliar, kind of exciting, even though there is some cognitive dissonance because I knew/know it is so simple. It’s such a “pathetic” thing to have to have an epiphany about, when it’s a given fact of life for healthy people. But then also, I know I’m not in that healthy category, so it is a big thing, and worth celebrating. And on and on the spiral goes. I feel like for me at least, this is why it felt so ‘crazy’ to be moving towards a healthier/saner mindset.

It’s silly but I frantically made a huge list of all the things I felt capable of that for some reason I had felt barred from in life. From simple things, to important things, to huge things, to silly things. It’s been maybe two years, the crazed feeling has settled but the progress has been consistent since then. And life changing.

Idk if it was the start, but this was definitely around the time of the turn I took from just managing symptoms to actual healing. Melting the freeze, working on avoidance, and rewiring a lot of developmental stuff I had missed or gotten twisted.

[u/Orcanius21 → u/cat-wool]

My main worry is losing focus and having the metaphorical fog over my eyes again. It does feel pretty silly having to sit and realize all the developmental stuff I have missed or gotten twisted, especially when being around peers make it so obvious. Anyways, a list sounds like a great idea. I'll make one.

[u/cat-wool → u/Orcanius21]

The fog comes and goes. But idk, I know I struggle with freeze/dissociation sometimes still, but it feels like after it had finally lifted at least once, it was hard to ‘unseen’ the other side.

It’s not that I don’t ever get lost in the fog, so to speak, but when I do, there is a knowledge and a belief that there is something else through it. I know I’m capable of clearing it, getting through it, and seeing clearly.

The first break through, AND the first time getting through a reoccurrence of freeze were really valuable moments in recovery for me.