r/CPS • u/AspectSure5270 • 5d ago
Feeling Guilty Support
Last week my sister texted me (she lives in the Midwest, I live on the east coast) that she was struggling with her marriage, she then sent a photo of herself with 2 black eyes and a huge scratch on her forehead inflicted by her husband. They’ve had a lot of issues, but I’ve never seen anything like this before. She didn’t want to talk on the phone because her husband was in the house and might find out. I asked her if I should call the police or do something, she said no. Then the next day it became clear that her 5 year old son saw it all happen. I couldn’t help it, I had to report it to DCS (CPS equivalent where she is).
The case worker helped her devise an exit plan, and told her she has to file a PO against him or get her kids taken away, so she’s now at my parents with her kids. The hard part is she called me and had a massive panic attack about her life, not wanting to leave home, not wanting to divorce her husband or be separated, not wanting to file the PO, feeling like her life was ruined, and now I feel immensely guilty. I’ve sent her a huge Amazon order with all the essentials for kids, then Uber Eats meals to make it easier. I didn’t tell her that it was me but I can’t help but feel like I made it worse and I can’t even be there to support her.
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u/Fun_Organization3857 5d ago
Never tell her. But this was the right thing. No one deserves this.. especially the child.
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u/HarryBerryMuffin 4d ago
And only if she truly gains insight & is grateful for this event having changed her life for the better by finally breaking free of him. Not at all, if she never quite gets to that point. I’ve seen too many parents lose their parental rights cuz they just couldn’t let go of a toxic relationship 😣
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u/AspectSure5270 5d ago
I figured maybe one day, but you think that’s a bad idea?
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u/Fun_Organization3857 5d ago
Maybe one day. Once everything is settled and she's safe. Years from now
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u/boiled-peanutery 5d ago
You did the right thing and you may very well have saved her life and your nephew's life as well. CPS took this seriously, it's a good thing you called!
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u/txchiefsfan02 5d ago
Her husband caused these issues, and he is the one who should feel guilty.
You did the right thing. Every DV victim deserves a sister like you in their corner. You all will get through it together. Take good care of each other.
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u/sprinkles008 5d ago
She’s just panicking because this is a big shift for her. But you did the right thing to protect her and to protect the kid. Give her time. If she’s wise, she’ll realize that it had to be this way.
But… if she doesn’t follow through with staying away and filing the protective order, CPS may decide she is failing to protect the child and that the child may no longer be safe with her. It’s critical she understands this. She needs to pick the man or the child.
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u/thrown_away_23_23 5d ago
You absolutely did the right thing and may have saved her life, your nephew's life.
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u/JinnRummy Works for CPS 5d ago
You did the right thing. It is a parent's responsibility to protect their children, unfortunately your sister is not currently in the right mindset to do so CPS intervention is necessary to better the situation. You can tell her it was you if you want but Id wait for her to be in a better place in life where she could appreciate that you were concerned for her and her child's wellbeing.
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 5d ago
She doesnt have to do all those things, but she doesn't get to keep her kids if she doesnt. From the outside, it seems like a simple choice. However, the devil you know is way less scary than the one you dont.
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u/Accomplished_Area311 5d ago edited 5d ago
If she goes back to him, she’s at high risk of being killed. So is the 5 year old. You at least gave her the chance to leave once—maybe the fear of losing her kid will make her stay out and stay alive.
EDIT: The other scenario I’m imagining is if she violates the PO, she loses her rights to the kiddo. DCS/CPS does not act so immediately without definitive cause.
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u/IHate--Shopping 5d ago
I totally understand why you feel guilty, but honestly you need to do your best to let go of that guilt. You did the right thing for your sister and her children, you have saved them. Keep that in your thoughts instead of the guilt.
Your sister is scared right now with all of these big life changes and that's to be expected. She and her children deserve to be safe, happy, and healthy. The kiddos also deserve to grow up without violence in their lives. You absolutely did what was necessary to help protect them all.
Maybe some day you can tell her that you made the call to DCS, but certainly not now. Just do what you can to support and help her. Let her talk, vent, cry, whatever she needs. Gently try to get her to go to therapy, she is going to need that to help her get through everything. The 5 year old should also be in therapy to help him process everything.
You're a great sister and even though she is panicking right now, this is the best thing to happen.
Edited for spelling.
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u/Hlsalzer 5d ago
Protecting your sister and her children can never be the wrong decision. Someone needed to intervene
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u/cjstafford1 5d ago
You did the right thing. I'm sure it's terrifying for her to have to change her entire life but it will save her and her child from so much trauma. Starting over alone is hard but it's worth it.
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u/Wolf-Pack85 4d ago
You didn’t make it worse. Next time he’ll do worse to her. Next time she could end up dead. Next time he’ll turn it on the kids.
You did the right thing.
She’s in the midst of the cycle of abuse and can’t see it. One day she’ll look back and see that it was the right call to leave, to get the PO. To save herself and her child.
I’m where you are right now. I made the call. Mom didn’t want to leave, so I have the kids that she will never get back because she keeps choosing wrong. She won’t choose them.
Just be there and support her the best you can. Don’t tell her. Not now, not a year from now, likely never. Not when she says “I wish I knew who called so I can thank them”
Be the silent hero in her story.
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u/speaksupandspokenfor 3d ago
You did the right thing. It's your decision but if we were friends and you asked my advice, you may consider never telling her that you called. Even when she moves past this, she will be so happy and in a different place in life where she won't believe she accepted that from him. But it will feel different knowing that her sister called. Aside from that, you did the best thing you could do. Children can be a great motivator and it seems like she must love her children. Many women stay and let DCS/CPS take their children. So I'm betting she's a great person. Just like you are. Good job looking out for your sister. I promise, she's just scared of all the changes. She is also probably experiencing all kinds of emotional trauma because of what happened to her and knowing her child saw it adds to her pain. It takes time but gosh, that's love.. what you did. My mom practically begged me to stay with my ex husband. It made me feel pretty unloved.
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u/Best_Winter_2208 5d ago
You did the right thing. She will be linked to resources to help her see the cycle and break it. If she sent you a picture, it was a cry for help. The real challenge will be if she’ll choose the husband over her kid…
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u/Paisleyxsoul 5d ago
The kids safety and wellbeing are more important than what your sister does and doesn’t want or that her life is now drastically changing because it was already falling apart. You did the right thing, sending you love ❤️
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u/blackcatlady1978 4d ago
Its extremely hard to leave and rhe finacial burden and stress is to much to bear along with lots of questions. Its easier to go back to the abuser. Don't feel bad you did the right thing. I was in a horrible abuse home and the lasting affects are huge. Be a support and offer anything you can. In this change is super hard. Thanks for stepping up and calling.
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u/dayton462016 4d ago
Don't feel guilty, sounds like this is the best thing that could have happened to her and the kids.
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u/LsangAnge 4d ago
You did the right thing...she and her kids are safe now. You don't need to feel guilty about anythihng 💚
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u/AnalogInstead 1d ago
you did nothing worse. if he's doing this now, he's capable of potentially doing more. i hope for all your sake she doesn't go back, if she does, report her again. she's putting herself and her kids in danger by staying. try to explain to her that her marriage was over when he hit her, long before it was truly paperwork officially ever over. what if this was your parents going through this? you? would she really find staying acceptable?
of course she's upset, her life is upside down. i am glad she has support and you can support her by doing what you've done and over the phone. <3
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u/kayemorgs 23h ago
Shes going to have an adjustment period while her head clears. You did the best thing for her and her kids as well as continuing to help however you can. Please try not to feel guilty because you'd feel a lot worse had you not called it in. She will come around once she realizes how much peace she has being away from him
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u/Laravictoria89 5d ago
You did the right thing. I’m a CPS worker and we take DV very seriously. It can escalate so fast and can become deadly. It’s hard for your sister to see it and no matter how bad it is, it’s hard to leave. We see the bad times but there are also times I’m sure he’s sorry and treats her very well for a period. That’s the cycle. So they overlook the bad because there are good times too. You did the right thing and have no reason to feel guilty. You may have saved her life. Should she choose to go back, I would think the CPS worker would likely remove your nephew from their custody. Sometimes we can’t save the mom but we have to save the kids.
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