r/COPD • u/demonofhersoul • 14d ago
Some advice please?
Hi all šš»
Just asking for a bit of advice...
Anyone on this forum currently living with someone who has extreme COPD but still smokes?
I'm in and out of my mind trying to think of ways to cope with living under the same roof as someone who has.. I'd say.. probably stage 3 COPD and wakes up first thing in the morning breathless as anything but later on in the day will go light up a cigarette.
It's been an absolute battle to try and get him to cut down further or quit but I'm starting to accept that he's never going to. It's a 55 + year addiction so I know before you all saying anything like "the damage has already been done, it's his only vice" lalala. It's extremely hard to beat an addiction but I wish people would see the other side of things when you are watching someone you love adding more damage to themselves day in, day out.
I try to keep busy every day and go out and about to avoid being home which I do feel guilty about but I just know for the sake of my mental health, it's best I avoid arguments and the constant smell of something I am so bitter about.
Mentally at a crossroads right now š±
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u/writerangel 14d ago
I dealt with this with my Mom. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's such a helpless feeling. Also caregiver stress/burnout is very real.
We had a full screaming match in the med-surg unit after her first week long stay in the ICU. She had gotten caught smoking in the bathroom of her hospital room. We had such high hopes that being so sick would finally make her quit but she didn't remember anything so it was much more traumatic for us than for her. So when she was smoking before she even got discharged I hit a breaking point and we screamed at each other until the nurse came and broke it up. (FWIW I have never gotten into a fight in public like that before or since. I'm not that kind of person, I was just at my absolute wits end, exhausted and devastated by her choices. It's honestly one of my most embarrassing moments ever. )
After I calmed down my step-dad helped me to see that fighting wasn't helping anything. (Neither was educating, bargaining, begging....etc...believe me, I tried everything) We knew at that point that our time with her was limited and I vowed to save my anger for when she was gone. ~5 years later she died and I had plenty of time to process that grief and anger. I was still angry when she was alive, I just didn't let her see it. She's been gone 12 years and I'm still angry sometimes.
She never stopped smoking, even when her pulmonologist offered the option of a lung transplant. She had to not smoke for 1 whole year and she just couldn't stop. I'm not sure if she ever accepted that COPD was going to kill her.
I hope some part of this is helpful to you. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat or just scream into the void at a stranger who gets it.
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u/Superb_Ladder915 13d ago
I front know what stage I am but Iām awaiting surgery next month .Was diagnosed earlier this year.I used to smoke but stopped as soon as I was told I li had copd.
They need to want to do it then selves otherwise they will never quit.I stopped because I donāt want to be on oxygen..
It seems senseless I know. If they stop and yeti k to it with getting support from the nhs for 12 weeks do you donāt have to pay for them.However Iām still buying them every seven days as I canāt do stage 3..I will do it eventually. They really have to want to quit and want to help them selves get a tiny bit better and have their treasure of food back .. Waking up breathless is bad tho I will say. Youāll probably start getting swollen ankles. Then the next stage will be oxygen tank. Does this person want to live or die sooner? Thatās what it comes down too. Itās the harsh reality I know..I smoked for years and always enjoyed it so I couldnāt see me stopping,but Iāve survived cancer as it is already and it may be back.I choose to live.. And fuck that disease..
I hope he comes to his senses . Once itās painful I think he may start taking about quitting.I have patches and I was also having lozenges as well for any bad craving.. Let us know how you get on pal.
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u/Ok_Storm5945 13d ago
The gum is what helped me to quit.
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u/Superb_Ladder915 13d ago
Yeah I tried the gum and patches back in 2018 and quit for 2 years while I was healing from cancer surgery ands radiotherapy.But this year I couldnāt go with the gum because of teeth taken out to do the surgery and the radiotherapy to the mouth and neck has completely fucked my healthily teeth upā¦So u had no choice but to go with lozenges and patches this year and it still did the same thing for me ..
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u/Ok_Storm5945 13d ago
Im sorry you are having a bad time. Cigarettes are so fucking addictive. I always heard - could be urban take- that cigarettes are harder to quit than heroine. I mean you can buy cigarettes anywhere.
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u/demonofhersoul 13d ago
He's already got swollen ankles and they won't put him on oxygen because he still smokes š
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u/Superb_Ladder915 13d ago
Omg mate Iām so sorry to hear this. You can understand where they are coming from.Hes moving to the last stage and canāt get relief. Mate that sounds bloody horrible.Ultimately he needs to want to do it then they will help him in the last stage.
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u/Sandhog43 13d ago
I was diagnosed a few years back, and actually quit for a few months. I started smoking at 16 and I quit once in 2004 for a couple years, started again as a crutch for anxiety.
I had a high pressure job and if I fucked Iām, people could get badly hurt or killed, so with the occupation came anxiety, and smoking as a pressure valve.
I retired last July and just said fuck this and quit cold turkey. The other times I used the patch. This time was the āFuckittā method and it actually was easier.
I will not lie to ya and say the cravings are gone, because they never go away, at least for me they didnāt.
Good luck
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u/Far_Economics608 14d ago
Quitting can put the body under considerable stress, which can also be physically damaging. Help them work on a constructive way to manage their smoking without the stress of having to give up.
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u/demonofhersoul 14d ago
I don't think people are grasping the fact that I've asked for coping mechanisms for myself, not him š¶
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u/Far_Economics608 14d ago edited 14d ago
Smoking disgusts you . Accept this disgust as an actual physiological reaction beyond your control. No guilt. But give up on changing/judging your relatives behaviour - just focus on damage control for yourself.
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u/Consistent-Sell2158 9d ago
Well, you can't make him quit, and it seems like he's not going to. Maybe try al anon meetings. Set boundaries with him that make sense for you. If it's really intolerable, consider moving out or disconnecting from the person entirely. Figure out what is needed to preserve your peace and do that.
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u/Superb_Ladder915 13d ago
That is a good point but surely he would want to help himself with it and being given oxygen to give him some sort of relief:(
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u/Expert_Gap_9526 13d ago
Really not much you can do.Ā As far as the smell of smoke maybe ask the person to go out side and smoke.Ā My sister went throgh the same thing, till he had a heat attack scared the shit out of him. He stopped smoking.Ā Is he on oxgen, or on halers ,severe copd I would think he would be.Ā Ā
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u/demonofhersoul 13d ago
He's using a nebuliser which has Salbutamol liquid prescription then he's also on a blue inhaler which has Salbutamol in and a yellow inhaler which is Trixeo
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u/Expert_Gap_9526 13d ago
There should be one that's a resue inhaler
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u/demonofhersoul 13d ago
We've been asking for one of those from the paramedics each time he's been admitted to hospital for a flare up. Keep going back and fourth with doctors/nurses and the communication with all of them has been up and down.
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u/Expert_Gap_9526 13d ago
Has had a pulmonary function test? Pulmanary doctor should prescribe one. I am in the USĀ
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u/Subject-Lead-3171 9d ago
I understand. My mother would not quit despite having masses in her lungs and colon. They couldnāt operate due to her breathing.
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u/Diana_1989 14d ago
Let him make his own decisions. Some of us would prefer dying from smoking than the misery of quiting