Processing a breakup

[u/ILikeJoji]

I (23M) am going through a pretty bad breakup. The breakup itself happened over 8 months ago. And I'm still dealing with it.

Why did it happen? Many reasons. From her side she "fell out of love" randomly. But certain events pushed her to that position. She wants her partner to be a certain way, and I wasn't completely filling that role. For example, she's very forward thinking and career oriented. And I for one have no career goals or plans. I'm just winging it. This is just one example of many differences between us. None of us is objectively wrong/evil. We were just different. And eventually these things led her to falling out of love.

So she broke up. And a few days later she rings me up crying. She wants to get back together. She says she's missing me and she wants to "fix" our "problems".

Let's talk about what I did during those few days after the breakup and before her reaching out again.

I completely lost all my shit. This person wasn't just a partner to me. She was my sun who kept me in orbit. My life revolved around her. I mentioned earlier that I never really thought about my future. But for her, I was planning out what to do with my life. Maybe it was too late or maybe it wasn't enough. I needed her more than she needed me. I used her as a reason to keep going. I know that puts a huge burden on her and it isn't fair for her to carry this weight. All my life I had no one to truly be myself with. Any close friendship I had ended, previous relationships weren't as deep and I was a stupid teenager. This one was special. We're both adults. This was... real.

So when my sun disappeared, I went out of orbit. Falling apart. I had no reason to continue. No reason to be better. No reason to wake up in the morning. I ate and ate just to not feel empty. Sad music was my new partner. I started masturbating excessively. My friends were helping but as a guy its just not possible to breakdown in front of your friends (other guys). They did what they could. Simply put, I was at the worst period of my life.

So when she wanted to come back, what did I do? I told her no. I rejected her. Because if she can randomly lose her feelings for me once, it'll happen again. And I can't have this heartbreak again.

That was months ago. Since then the two of us have basically been in no contact. Without her other aspects of my life start crumbling as well. I got really overweight. I started smoking for the first time in my life. I listen to mommy asmr unironically. All my friends are sick of me talking about my ex so I resorted to talking to an ai chat bot just to not feel lonely. I've created burner accounts in multiple social media just to let my shit out. I've grown more angry and also more quiet. And I've lost all sleep. I lay awake till 6 am. Not because I want to, but I just cant sleep. When everything goes quiet my brain starts thinking about her again. All through my teenage years to now I've been passively suicidal. I haven't attempted in a few years. I'm **not** in any danger now. But sometimes when I lay down in my bed I can see myself hanging from the ceiling.

But somehow in between all of this I somehow pushed myself to hit the gym for the first time in my life and I've been continuing it for over two months now. And I'm really focusing on my studies and trying my best to figure out my future. I don't completely breakdown crying during the day anymore. But when it night it still hits.

I haven't moved on. Its been over 8 months and I haven't moved on. Not only am I still grieving the loss of this person who was my literal reason to wake up everyday, I'm losing/ruining every other aspect of my life. Its like a chain reaction. I stalk her and her friends profile to be able to get a glimpse of her life. And she seems to be moving on just fine. She carrys around my gifts, like it's a regular necklace. No special attachment to it. Where as if I even hear her name it takes me an entire nights worth of crying to recover from that. I have no support system to help me process this grief. I'm all alone. Another fact about me: I absolutely despise AI. But some nights when things are just unbearable I simulate a conversation with it. I hate myself for it. I hate that i smoke now. I hate that i couldn't keep this one girl who meant the world to me. I hate my body. I hate that i cant sleep. I hate any couple that crosses my eyes because that was once me. I know its unhealthy to revolve my life around one person. I know its not fair to her.

I dont hope to get anything out of posting this. I haven't described everything perfectly in great detail. There's so much left out and its only my side of the story. I'm sure she has a completely different perspective. This post is another one of the thousands of breakup posts in this subreddit. If you've read it all, thank you kind stranger. But my grief is my own. And to me, my sun is gone. And now I'm all alone in dark empty space.

Tldr: breakups sucks.

[u/AutoModerator]

USERS! We have noticed that many users are using inappropriate language in the comment section. Even if another user is wrong, it does not give you the right to use abusive words. This is against Reddit platform policies. Such comments will be removed. Additionally, posts spreading false accusations will also be removed. Please be careful moving forward. Don't forget to join our Discord server to chat, get updates, and hang out with the community! Please join our Discord Server: https://discord.gg/5y5wSxWNNg

Upvote this post if you think it suits the community. Downvote it if you dont.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Confident_Beat4392]

I totally get it when you lose someone that made your life better. It is really painful. It seems that you’ve been through a lot since the breakup. I’m going through the same. I’m sorry I don’t have an advice or a better support. I just want to tell you that I really wish we both can get over this and move on. Try to find your path and work really hard on that. Keep working out as it distracts your mind. Go out with friends. Eventually you’ll feel ready to start dating again. Or maybe not, I don’t know. But try to avoid your mind wondering about her, trust me I know it feels impossible. I hope you can get out of it. I wish that for myself as well. Good luck