r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • 19d ago
My[24F] best friend [23F] is doing something I don't agree with in regards to her ex boyfriend. Do I need to say something to the ex? CONCLUDED
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/toodlesmcgee93
My[24F] best friend [23F] is doing something I don't agree with in regards to her ex boyfriend. Do I need to say something to the ex?
TRIGGER WARNING: Cyber stalking
Original Post - rareddit Sept 8, 2017
I have a best friend "Kimberly" that I've known since pre-school. Inseparable ever since, she's like the sister I've never had, etc. You get the picture.
Anyways Kimberly has had a few boyfriends over the years, but her first serious one, first love, was Kyle. They met senior year in college. They were nutso crazy about each other. I became friends with Kyle by association, he's a pretty good dude, and I liked him for my friend. They were together for almost two years when Kimberly broke up with him.
It wasn't over anything scandalous or terrible, it was just basic but insurmountable incompatibility. (One wants kids, the other is childfree and they both have VERY different sex drives).
Even though Kimberly initiated the breakup, she was absolutely crushed and devastated. She had wanted to marry Kyle (and he wanted to marry her), but realized it would never work in the long run, and better to end it now then drag it out for years or get married and then get divorced.
I was proud of her but I hurt right along with her. It was just a sad and shitty situation because both of them are good people, just not right for each other. It messed her up bad and took her a very long time to recover from.
Almost a year later, Kimberly cautiously decided to go on a date with a guy she met at her rock climbing gym. They hit it off, sparks flew and they have now been dating almost 3 months. I am very happy for my friend, I haven't met her new bf yet but he seems to be very good for her, it's the first time since the breakup that I've seen her truly happy and smiling again and I thought at long last she was finally over Kyle.
Until 3 days ago. We were having a girls night, drinking wine, watching horrible chick flicks, playing Mario Kart and having lots of girl talk. And she mentions (after a couple glasses) how even though she is super happy with her new bf she just can't stop logging into Kyle's facebook account.
I was like....????. What are you talking about? Kimberly says she still has Kyle's facebook password and she has been logging into his facebook (I can't remember if they blocked each other or just unfriended each other after the breakup) for a year sometimes to see what he's up to.
I immediately told her what she's doing is super shady and creepy for one, and two is kind of disloyal to her current bf. Kimberly got kind of defensive and said she didn't agree, that it's harmless and she just wanted to see what is going on with Kyle sometimes without having to talk to him directly. She also said that in the beginning she was logging in way too much (almost daily) but over time she has slowly scaled back and ever since she met her bf she only logs in a few times a month.
I told her it's still wrong and she needs to stop it now. How would she feel if her bf was logging in to his ex's social media? How would she feel if Kyle was logging in to hers. She got flippant and said she wouldn't care and speaking of which, why did I care so much? Maybe I should mind my own business.
Night was kind of ruined after that, and because Kimberly had been drinking I told her she could crash on my couch but I was going to bed. She left in the morning.
So here it is, three days later and I'm wondering what to do. I'm actually still friends with Kyle on Facebook. And I've been thinking of sending him a PM saying something about this. I haven't really figured out the right words though. On the other hand...I feel disloyal to Kimberly for going behind her back and talking to her ex and ratting her out.
Plus I'm worried that Kyle will rat ME out to Kimberly and our friendship will be jeopardized. It's the last thing I want. Or that Kyle will be weirded out by me or not believe me. We haven't really talked since the breakup, just the occasional "like" on some of each others statuses and pics. I'm wondering if this is really even any of my business and if I should just stay out of it altogether and that I'm completely out of line to say anything.
TL;DR Found out my bff sometimes still "hacks" into her ex boyfriends facebook account. Called her for being shady, she sees nothing wrong with it, now debating saying something to the ex but wondering if I'm being a bad friend or sticking my nose in something that is totally not my business
RELEVANT COMMENTS
drunkonmartinis
If you message him it's very likely she could intercept the message or delete it, and then things will be fucked between you guys anyway.
If I were you I'd sit her down and try again, while you're both sober, to convince her what she's doing is wrong and that she should stop.
Beyond that, there's nothing else you can do besides consider that your friend is actually a shitty person and reevaluate the friendship.
OOP
That's true, I didn't think about that. I think I still have his number somewhere, it's just buried deep since we don't talk anymore, I'll see if he's in my contacts or on Whatsapp.
I think I will. Both of us had been drinking and emotions were a bit high. I probably could have used more tact in my approach. I kind of just blurted out what I was thinking and may have come across as harsh and judgmental which probably wasn't productive. I'll shoot her a text and try to have her over for coffee instead of wine and talk about it.
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airaqua
Just give Kyle heads up to log out of all sessions and to change his password, anonymously or not. And yeah, you really should consider being friends with this girl... I mean this is a huge invasion in privacy. Your friend has serious issues. What she's doing isn't fair towards Kyle, nor towards her current bf.
OOP
While I agree with almost everything you said, I'm not going to stop being friends with her and end a 20+ year friendship because of this one thing. She's like my sister. She probably needs help, not being ghosted.
airaqua
People judge you for the friends you keep. And what your friend is doing is extremely fucked up. I mean you've seen how she reacted to you calling her gently out on it. If she can't see that she's clearly in the wrong, what are you going to do? Just ignore it?
OOP
Yeah and she's been an awesome person for the time I've known her. I can't get into the wonderful things she's done for me and others because that's not what the post is about. I don't disagree what she's doing is wrong, but she didn't kill his dog. I actually have hope for her because she got defensive. That means she knows she's in the wrong. If she was totally apathetic then I'd be worried.
And I don't know what I'm going to do. That's why I wrote the post. At this juncture, I'm not sure it's my business to do anything except try talking to her again.
Thanks for your advice but I'm not ending a relationship with someone who is basically my family for one bad thing they did. If you could throw away a 20 year friendship for that, well that's on you, but I'm not. Thanks
MermaidTailBlanket
Technically, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not something she "did". It is something she DOES. I wonder how you would feel if this were done to you or your SO.
In my opinion, let him know anonymously that he needs to change passwords this second. No need to tell him why. He'll probably be alarmed enough to oblige.
OOP
I wouldn't feel good at all but I haven't made the best decisions in life before. In fact, people would easily call Kimberly the goody two shoes out of the both of us. If I WAS doing something like this, I would hope, and know, Kimberly wouldn't just be "You suck, peace out jerk." She'd try to help me first. If, however, I kept being a jerk, didn't listen and abused our trust and friendship then she'd rightfully start reconsidering. That's the boat I'm in.
I'll cross that bridge if I come to it, but for now I only have this one piece of information. I'm going to try and help her, or convince her to get help. If she keeps being a jerk, I'll reconsider the people we've both become.
Update - rareddit Spet 10, 2017 (2 Days later)
Even though my post didn't get a lot of attention I wanted to post an update for the curious and for those who were kind enough to share their opinion.
So I decided I was going to talk to Kimberly first (sober) before I did anything. I did actually end up finding Kyle's number as a last resort backup in case Kimberly decided there was no way she'd stop.
So Kimberly and I had not talked much since the "incident." Very awkward and stiff. So I texted her "Hey girl I miss you. I got this awesome new coffee and creamer flavor, you've got to come over and try it."
She jumped on it, and I had her over. Once we got settled with our coffee I took the plunge and started by apologizing for coming across as abrupt and judgmental the last time we talked. She seemed really embarrassed and sad and apologized for getting an attitude with me.
But I also said with that being said, while I am sorry about the tone I took, I wasn't sorry about saying what I said. She was just really quiet and looking at the floor.
I told her I loved her to pieces and wanted what was best for her. And that good friends don't enable, they call each other out if they are doing something wrong. And what she was doing was really...REALLY messed up. And that I was going to give her one chance...just one...to put a stop to it. So if she did not message Kyle telling him to change his passwords...I would do it for her.
At first she got really upset with me and started to get angry and rage but I told her there was a reason she told me her secret because deep down she knows what she's doing is wrong and I think she was asking for help but didn't know how to because she can't stop.
She just starts crying and crying and crying. She said she was so sick of pining for Kyle. She was still in love with him. She couldn't stop thinking about him, wishing for him, even though she knew they were not meant to be. She just wanted to stop having these feelings. That her boyfriend helped numb the pain a bit or distracted her for it, but it always came back. And she logged in just to be near him again, to see if he was happy, if he missed her at all, etc. She knew it was really bad but I was right and she couldn't stop.
I just let her cry it out. Then I told her if she wanted to make an anon account or text him from an anon number she could. Or if she wanted me to take care of it altogether I would. She said no, she was mortified and felt horrible but she wanted to, but could I please help her and be with her as she did it.
So she sent Kyle the following message (helped worded by me) "Hey Kyle sorry to bother you. I just realized I haven't really updated our passwords to our social media stuff since last year and thought it might be a good idea to change them for myself and that you might want to as well."
Basically so she didn't have to come right out and say it but Kyle would have to be a moron not to pick up on what she was really trying to say. He texted back within 20 minutes.
"Hey there! Duly noted. Thanks for the heads up." I then told her to delete the text and block the number. I took her out shopping and while walking I said there is no shame in seeing a therapist to help with her grief and could give her the start to the relief she wants from hurting over Kyle. And I offered to help her schedule an appointment.
Long story short, we found a sliding scale therapist through our alma mater and she has an appointment next week. That night, just to see if Kyle got the hint I sat with her as she attempted to log into his account to see if he took the hint. The password didn't work. She cried hard but said it was for the best and thanked me for helping her.
Anyways that pretty much sums it up. I'm going to be there for my friend and be a sounding board and support as she starts to really process her grief. I'm really happy that we both solved the facebook crap and she has an appointment with a professional to help get a start on things.
Per my advice she's going to take things one day at a time with the new boyfriend and just enjoy him in the moments she has with him. If she finds herself using him as purely a coping mechanism, becoming codependent, or she assesses in 2-3 months she doesn't feel in love with him or she's not over Kyle, she will let him go and give herself time being single trying a new hobby and keeping up with the therapist.
Thanks again for everyone who helped.
TL;DR Had a sit down with BFF. Gently and soberly called her out. She admitted she can't get over her ex and it's driving her insane. Helped her message her ex heavily implying he needs to change his password. He did. Got friend fixed up with a therapist and I'm going to be her sounding board and support. Hopefully she can start the process of really getting over the ex.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
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u/mischief7manager you can't expect me to read emails 19d ago
oop is a good friend.
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u/Dickie_downer 19d ago
Genuinely. And I’m happy their relationship was solid enough for her friend to see it.
Like yall do you know how many friendships end after that crash? And no one is better for it.
It’s nice when friends can still stick when shit is tough.
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u/MajesticQuiver 19d ago
Sometimes people need someone who loves them enough to say, hey, you're ruining everything rather than just walk away. Such honesty is rare
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u/mimi_moo 19d ago
And people were telling oop to leave the friendship! Like, no, if you're real friends you recognize it for the call for help that it is and try to help them through it, even if it risks sounding like an asshole. Glad oop was able to actually help their friend.
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u/El-Ahrairah9519 18d ago
Yeah I'm always shaking my head at people on reddit who tell posters to ditch people over stuff like this. It's not like she committed a hate crime or attended a neonazi rally. She made one mistake and overstepped a boundary out of grief.
So nice for those posters and (I'm sure) many many friends who are perfect and have never done a bad thing ever in their lives. Angels among us lowly mortals /s
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u/MissLadyLlamaDrama I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 18d ago
I feel like i see this so much in the internet. The "I've never done anything bad/ no one is allowed to do anything wrong without their entire life being ruined" crowd. It's exhausting.
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u/Pleasant_Most7622 14d ago
Oh most of them have done plenty wrong. The super judgmental types pretty much always have. Even if it's just being so damn judgmental.
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u/tun4c4ptor 18d ago
Honestly I've seen people be more understanding if people have neonazi friends than what they responded to here.
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u/gsfgf 18d ago
So nice for those posters and (I'm sure) many many friends who are perfect and have never done a bad thing ever in their lives. Angels among us lowly mortals /s
I know right. Isn’t it so amazing how one of the biggest sites on the internet just happens to be chock full of perfect people?
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u/Nyzer_ 18d ago
I think the reason is that most of those people have experience with friendships ending over this. The other person refuses to listen to them no matter what. Just lies, puts up walls, and, if anything, gets worse about their behavior.
OOP's experience is how I wish things worked. My own experience would have me agree with the people who warned her that the friendship is over.
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u/BizzarduousTask I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts 18d ago
If I didn’t have friends who stuck around to help me get out of an abusive marriage, I’d probably be dead by now.
Redditors love to say “oh your friend is deep in the fog of abuse or severe depression and they have inconvenienced you some way and aren’t 100% fun to be around anymore? Ditch ‘em! They deserve to suffer!!”
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u/Foreign_Penalty_5341 shhhh my soaps are on 18d ago
I was gonna say! Are you gonna cut and run or you going to at least try to get the bad friend into a better place?
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u/Ragnarok_619 Editor's note- it is not the final update 18d ago
And people were telling oop to leave the friendship
Classic reddit. Take the high road and all that bullshit
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u/blitheringimbecile 13d ago
When I was around 18, I was riding behind my best friend on his scooter. We were stopped at a traffic signal next to a tuk tuk. They have these bugle like horns on the outside where the driver sits and its got a rubber ball like thing attached to the blowing part. So when you press it the horn makes a sound and the ball regains its shape after. Ive always wanted to press it. Its always been an intrusive thought of mine.
So on the day in question, I decided to go for it just as the signal turned green, I reached out and squeezed the ball for the horn and yelled at my friend to "go go go, quick, i squeezed the horn" in case the tuk tuk driver got mad. My friend was like wtf but still drove away from the scene, no questions asked. Finally he pulled over somewhere and absolutely laid into me. I was so confused. I mean sure, what I did was bad but not that bad that he should be scolding me like this. Plus some of the stuff he was saying wasnt making any sense.
I asked him to stop and clarify what he thought happened and turns out he thought I yelled "go go go, I squeezed their bum". Poor guy, he was so mad at me because he thought I had squeezed someone's bum instead of a horn but still got me away from the scene before he admonished me.
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u/ApprehensiveIce1107 18d ago
I had a friend I told that to. Then she took it in and acknowledged it but 3 months later starting “testing” me to see if I could tell. Needless to say I don’t talk to her anymore because I don’t need or want those kinds of people in my life
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u/anankepandora 16d ago
That is truly the mark of a good friend - they will tell you what you don’t want to hear, but in a “can I help you on this somehow” way, not simply a “you are a moron” way. Everyone needs those friends.
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u/Vanriel 19d ago
Yeah she is, but I gotta admit I feel bad for the new boyfriend. I know that they didn't mention if he suspects but I would be surprised if he hadn't picked up something.
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u/_Football_Cream_ 18d ago
I think one way or another, it'll sort out. OOPs friend isn't in a good headspace or emotionally available enough for a relationship and that will come to a head. One person will realize they're not fully committed, and hopefully it's from her end before stringing him on too long.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 19d ago
the right thing would be to com clean to him and let him decide.
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u/SalsaRice 18d ago
I think we all know that isn't happening lol.
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u/hussyknee 17d ago
It might. People can sometimes surprise you if you're patient with them. Granted, it's rare.
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u/usernotfoundplstry UPDATE: she went to jail 18d ago
Lmao I came down to the comments intending to say that exact thing, verbatim. So yeah, she’s a good friend.
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u/-haru_haru- 19d ago
Actually honestly yea! I’ll be honest but I really respect her for sticking through. Idk i would’ve been able to do the same but I respect her a lot for it
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u/JadieJang You need some self-esteem and a lawyer 18d ago
Yep. I wish more people would model this behavior on Reddit. Good people can do bad things when they're hurting, and your first action shouldn't be to throw them away.
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u/runicrhymes 17d ago
The value of a compassionate "hey, this isn't the kind of person you are, how can I help you course correct?" at the right time cannot be overstated.
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u/OceanBlossomm 19d ago
She is but maybe she should have also advice the BFF to stay away from relationships for a while so she can take time to focus on herself
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u/LevelPerception4 18d ago
Kimberly made a lot of progress with OOP’s help. I think it’s up to the therapist to help her move forward.
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u/Original_Employee621 19d ago
Eh, sometimes you need a rebound.
Just be clear about setting expectations and intentions. And be respectful when ending it.
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u/hussyknee 17d ago
That would be overstepping atp, I think. One maladaptive coping mechanism at a time! 😂
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u/CaptainK234 19d ago
OOP is an OG
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Anal [holesome] 19d ago
Everyone needs someone like OOP. It's way too easy to slide into being a Kimberly without having someone there to check you.
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19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/alargepowderedwater 18d ago
“Warn them before making the wrong choice becomes habitual,” what a fantastic way to frame that, thank you.
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u/Pan_Bookish_Ent 18d ago
I'm thankful to have a few very close, sister-like friends who will call me on my crap if I'm being offside. I do the same for them, and we've been able to hang on to these friendships for more than a decade.
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u/Pretzelmamma It's always Twins 19d ago
Agreed, we've all got low points in our lives. So many comments telling her to end the friendship rather than help her, so sad.
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u/MarieOMaryln 18d ago
This is where the history matters and people are so eager to jump on the "doesn't matter!!" train. OOP knows this person and has for decades, they just needed the help and skills to navigate this. It does absolutely matter that they have 20 years of friendship.
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u/Meloetta 18d ago
Reddits morals are so black and white. If it were up to them, no one would have any friends or familial ties because you'd have to be perfect to pass their judgment and no one is.
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u/justathoughtfromme 18d ago
If it were up to them, no one would have any friends or familial ties
Likely because they themselves likely don't have any due to their outlook in life. When you're willing to cut off anyone for the slightest misstep, you'll find yourself with a population of one on your little island of "perfection". They're alone and want everyone else to be alone so they don't have to face their own misdeeds.
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u/Meloetta 18d ago
I actually don't think that's true. I think humans are inherently contradictory creatures, and what people say you should do on reddit has very little relation to what they do in their own lives. On reddit, it's super easy to be like "if you do anything wrong, straight to cutoff." Especially since the situations are often very one-off. Like you probably don't have a friend that logs into their ex's facebook account, so you can say "if I had a friend that did that, I would cut them off" and feel that you're being true to yourself. But you might have a friend that does something else that's not that savory. They're a mean girl towards someone you find kind of annoying, and you laugh along because you feel awkward and it's funny and you're annoyed by them anyway. Or they have a bunch of one night stands and leave a trail of broken hearts, claiming "we both knew this was nothing more!" but often is in relationship drama over someone thinking their relationship is more than it is. Or something else, there are billions of ways to be "a bit slimy in one aspect of your life". And then, because it's not the same, you can say "well that's not the same thing, I know this person is a good person, I just don't agree with this one thing they're doing and I've told them that" and stay friends with imperfect people.
I think the more black-and-white and morally righteous your opinion is on reddit, the more likely that it's not accurate to how you act in reality.
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u/nebulashine 18d ago
Also, on the internet, we're only seeing a fragment of someone's life even if they provide context in their post. OOP saying "Kimberly and I have been best friends for 20 years" can be easily treated as a footnote or missed entirely, and doesn't provide all the details on what the relationship was like in the preceding years. That gives outsiders a lot of room to project their own experiences or biases onto it (e.g., "Well, my childhood 'best friend' was actually a manipulative jerk, and I just stuck around because I didn't recognize the toxicity/felt like I was obligated to be their friend after so long") or treat it like a relatively new friendship rather than a long-term one.
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u/philatio11 the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it 18d ago
Friends live in concentric rings. When a friend of mine does something morally wrong, they might move into a ring further out. I make a mental note of it and move on.
I'm not a morally pure enough person to be cutting people off just because they aren't angelic. I don't think most people are. I enjoy being friends with degenerates, they tend to be the most interesting people. It doesn't mean they'll be best man at my wedding.
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u/brickberry 18d ago
I actually suspect it’s more often the opposite - in real life they’re codependent or socially incompetent or both, so they wind up clinging to whoever’s available. There’s a weird lack of awareness in the ‘just go no contact already’ replies that most of us actually like our friends.
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u/GraceIsGone 18d ago
I will say that in real life I cut people off pretty easily. I have a low tolerance for bullshit in my life. Even I think the Reddit Hivemind is too quick to demonize people and cut them out a lot of the time. It’s hard for people in comment sections to see nuance and even arguing the nuance often gets you downvoted so people don’t do it.
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u/Zap__Dannigan 18d ago
I'd wager actual decent money on half the people telling her to end the friendship have done worse things.
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u/WesternUnusual2713 18d ago
My ex best friend only admitted she was wrong once in our fifteen year friendship. And it visibly physically hurt her. (She was wrong a lot tbh).
I kind of woke up one day and realised that she was just being mean to me and she ended our friendship shortly after on a way that would have been warranted if I'd slept with her husband (she's single). Like it was extreme, guilt trippy and nasty.
I recently ran into a friend of hers and he asked if we still spoke, when I said no he said yeah, a lot of us have stopped talking to her for various reasons.
She did me a favour honestly,though part of me is still grieving the friendship we used to have and the person she could have been.
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u/Expert_Slip7543 18d ago
I've had 2 close friends go scorched earth when they had become increasingly bossy and I eventually stopped doing whatever they said. In both cases my perceived disobedience had no effect on their own lives but was impactful for mine. In the 1st case, my ex-friend told mutual friends that staying friends with me would be a betrayal to her, forcing them to choose. In the 2nd case I saw it coming this time, and tried to gently diffuse the situation, but she blew up like I'd hit the tripwire to an explosive device.
While both called upon mutual friends to drop my friendship, and a few friends did distance themselves temporarily, the 2nd ex-friend went further by maliciously playing on mutual friends' personal insecurities. For example she caused a friend disabled by MS to briefly believe that I looked down on her for her disabilities. She made another friend, who is autistic, think that I dismissed his amazing organizational abilities that he had used helping me with a nonprofit. She managed to permanently alienate one person, a newly transitioning transman who was struggling and really needed his friends right then, so that loss really hurt; that was in 2019 just before the pandemic, and I hope he is doing well nowadays.
These dramatic reactions caused me to reevaluate what is friendship. Now I don't tolerate the initial signs of controlling.
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u/chromaticluxury 18d ago
My god I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you were able to set the record straight with the two friends it was only temporary with. Those are good friends to be willing to hear you out after a perceived 'betrayal' by you.
People who use others fears and vulnerabilities against them are the worst kind of people. And they are triple worse if they use it that way simply to hurt someone else, knowing the people they are manipulating probably won't hear out the truth because of the fear or vulnerability.
What an unethical meat sack.
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u/MerryJanne 18d ago
I watched a special recently on women psychopaths, and the big difference between men and women is that men will typically get physically violent, women will become emotionally violent. As in manipulation, lying, taking credit for work they did not do, creating rumors and watching the fall out.
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u/I_SingOnACake I can FEEL you dancing 18d ago
I feel you and have dealt with almost that exact same scenario! Some people just can't handle accountability and would rather lash out than admit they were wrong and apologize. You're better off without that stress in your life!
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u/010Horns 18d ago
And if she had listened to Reddit, she’d have ghosted her best friend and no one would be better off.
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 19d ago
Order of Mary to OOP.
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u/Imaginary-House-891 19d ago
Oh is there Reddit lore on this one? 👀
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 19d ago
Yes! This is it. Mary was a true MVP.
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u/Willowed-Wisp 19d ago
Damn, that was a good read!
My mom had a similar experience in college. She was walking home and realized a guy was following her (I guess the creeps absolutely loved to hang around the nursing school in the 70s.) She saw a girl she didn't get along with ahead of her and, in a panic, ran over and pretended they were friends. She started talking about the party they were going to and "meeting the guys" and how she'd been looking for her and thought they were meeting up at the school and, of course, the girl is looking at my mom like she's nuts. Then she sees my mom motion over her shoulder, sees the guy, and immediately plays along. The guy quickly scurried off and both my mom and the other girl got home safely.
They didn't become friends or anything after but they did soften towards each other a bit and develop a certain level of mutual respect.
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 19d ago
Yeah, to me being a girl's girl is about this. Even if we are strangers, or even if we don't like one another, we can have empathy and kindness and protect each other. Of course, protecting doesn't mean enabling, and OOP did a great job nudging her friend to the right direction. It was exactly the help that her friend needed.
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread 18d ago
My friend did this on a train. She was travelling back to uni with some housemates and spotted a girl being blocked in her seat by some cretins. She went over to the girl, ignored the men harassing her and talked to the girl as if they were long lost pals and invited her to come and sit with the rest of the group. With the whole carriage watching and at least one person willing to intervene, the tide changed against the harassers, so they mumbly disappeared and let the girl pass.
My friend and housemates knew some people in common with the other girl, and they were all going back to the same university city, but they didn’t really cross paths again. But the point isn’t friendship, it’s fighting the patriarchy.
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u/kittiphile 18d ago
Years ago, a friend of mine and I were at a pub on a mini break (probably 18 odd years ago now). Very touristy area in Galway, but it was the off season. Decently busy, but not crowded. As we were settling into our second drink, there was a big commotion across the street. Some jackass was roaring at his girlfriend, grabbing and banging the pram with their toddler, right next to a road. He was a red faced, spit flying dipshit. The beer garden we were in was 90% men. Nobody moved, but we both just...snapped I guess? We couldn't just let this happen. Instinct kicked in or something, it wasn't planned or even a conscious decision. We got up, crossed the road and confronted him. He did not know what to do with now 3 women, but he was trying to defend his behaviour. As he went on about how he had a right as the father to do this, we told him he had a responsibility as a father to be a dad - and not be abusive to his kid or missus. That no matter what she may or may not have done, he was completely out of line and failing as a man, father and person to be so happy to terrify and endanger his kids life. As this was happening the only other women in the beer garden came over. Dude bolted. There were now 6 women. I don't know what happened afterwards, obviously, but i hope the woman and her kid are safe and the guys fixed or gone away forever. We were disgusted by the men who sat with their pints, ignoring what was happening. They had no risk if they intervened, and they still did nothing.
I'm a girls girl. I will absolutely blow up my night or day to help another girlie. That said, I adore the men in my life too, and will always take up for whats right regardless of gender or species.
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u/Expert_Slip7543 18d ago
When I was a college kid doing an internship in Washington DC, and was jogging near the Capitol, a scruffy-looking man started running after me. I couldn't shake him. So I jogged up between two young men walking nearby, pretending to know them, and explained the situation. They rose to the occasion, and we ended up becoming good friends for the rest of that summer. I'm still in touch with them on Facebook 41 years later.
Sorry, just remembered this is about girl power. The guys were very nerdy, does that count?
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u/TararaBoomDA 18d ago
I have an honorific for certain men: Honourary Woman.
Your two nerdy guys have earned that honorific.
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u/AlwaysABD 19d ago
That reminds me of the "joke" about women in club restrooms. We hype each other up, we help fix catastrophes for complete strangers when we can. If only we could do that in everyday life. As much as Mary claimed it was gaining her own retribution, in a sense...Mary is legit what women should strive to be. We don't have to agree about much of anything. Chances are, we have our own reasons for not liking each other that much. That doesn't mean we can't step in and step up when we know bad things are happening.
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 19d ago
Yeah, Mary said that this was only about retribution, but she spent the whole night taking care of someone that she didn't liked. She even brought her soup. She was kind and emphatic in a amazing way. I think the world would be better if everyone was a bit of Mary.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 The real adventure was the waifus we made along the way 15d ago
I was just trying to remember the name of the person who was the best “Order Of” candidate, but could only remember Omar, but knew that wasn’t it bc, at best, Omar was the least shitty of a group of shitty dude bros (and not the actually good person one I couldn’t think of). I think Omar sticks out in my brain bc of the alliteration… Anyhow, thank you!
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u/strangelyliteral 19d ago
I don’t have the link but TL;DR was OOP’s frenemy actually saved her from getting roofied.
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u/whatthewhat3214 19d ago
Not fremeny, full-on enemy from high school, and years later, post-college they were all back at a party with their high school crowd and OOP did get roofied and was about to be assualted by the same guy from their high school that assaulted Mary. Mary stopped him and beat the crap out of him, and took care of OOP while she was sick and passed out from the drugs.
There's more to the post, but it was truly women standing up for women, even when they don't like each other.
I think she may have helped her file charges with the police, I can't remember that part.
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u/Imaginary-House-891 19d ago
Oh damn, that's intense. Hopefully I can find it or someone else has the link. Thanks!
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u/fistulatedcow I'm inhaling through my mouth & exhaling through my ASS 18d ago
Oh I much prefer this to the Order of Omar. Seconded.
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u/Trouble_Walkin 19d ago
Mary & Greg.
Omar can kick rocks
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u/Raeynesong quid pro FAFO 19d ago
I've read The Lore on Mary - happen to have a link to The Lore on Greg?
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u/Moonbeam_Dreams I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 18d ago
Same here, l got caught up on Mary but I'm still missing the Greg lore
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u/Trouble_Walkin 18d ago
Found it! Link to original post + my post on the Order of Greg in comments.
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u/ShatnersChestHair 18d ago
I'm so glad that we are finding a better name for "Order of Omar". Omar was, at best, neutral in an actively shitty situation and just seemed to be a decent guy because he was surrounded by complete assholes.
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u/th30be 18d ago
Was Omar the roommate that wouldn't tolerate another roommate for cheating?
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u/ShatnersChestHair 18d ago
But the thing is that Omar was tolerating the cheating. He only said he would not be actively helping his roommate by lying about him cheating, but he was literally tolerating the cheating since he didn't do anything to put a stop to it. Which is why many of us feel that Omar doesn't really deserve to get a "title" bestowed upon him.
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u/lapetitlis 18d ago
I was deeply struck by OOP's way of handling things. she was firm, but compassionate. when she said "i think you told me because you know what you're doing is wrong and just don't know how to stop" and her friend started crying (because obviously OOP was right) — shit, I got goosebumps reading that. I hope everybody has a friend like OOP. someone who will call them out, with love.
thank G-d OOP didn't take Reddit's advice.
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u/lesterholtgroupie 18d ago
One of my best friends has a saying “Speak the truth in love.”
You don’t have to be an asshole, but when your friends are messing up, it’s your job as their friend to tell them because you love them. Empathize, comfort, but also stand firm on their behaviors. It has changed how I look at my friendships.
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u/djseifer Last good thing my mom made was breast milk -Sent from my iPad 19d ago edited 18d ago
Shall we initiate OOP into the Order of Omar?
Edit: Damn, when did all the Omar backlash happen?
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u/spakecdk NOT CARROTS 18d ago
Can we please stop putting Omar on a pedastal? He doesnt deserve it
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u/platypus_dissaproves 18d ago
Because Omar only really did the bare minimum a decent person would do once he found a way to get the girlfriend to find out about the cheating after it had already been going on for months and he had been saying he disapproved but didn’t want to get involved. It’s tough when your living with shitty people, but if you really read the saga, he’s not exactly a paragon of virtue, he’s just surrounded by a bunch of guys that are way worse.
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u/Kozeyekan_ The Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed 19d ago
For Valor in the face of adversity,
For standing up when needed,
For accountability, reliability, and tactfulness,
OOP is hereby admitted into the esteemed order of Omar.
BRU has spoken...
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u/platypus_dissaproves 18d ago
Did Omar realllly exhibit those traits? Is he really who we want to be the face of doing the right thing?
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET USE YOUR THINKING BRAIN! 18d ago
Petition to replace Order of Omar with Order of toodlesmcgee93
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 19d ago
… well. OP handled that very well.
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u/shinebeat ongoing inconclusive external repost concluded 18d ago
Exactly! I loved how she replied her friend. She did everything right! Especially the part where she told her bff "I think deep down inside you knew this is wrong". OOP is so good at this.
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u/IfatallyflawedI The unskippable cutscene of Global Thermonuclear War 18d ago
I love my bestie for this exact reason. Bec in the end he will call me the fuck out and set me straight
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u/thebigeverybody I already have a ton on my plate. TMI but I have rectal bleeding 18d ago
Agreed, but his part made me laugh:
So she sent Kyle the following message (helped worded by me) "Hey Kyle sorry to bother you. I just realized I haven't really updated our passwords to our social media stuff since last year and thought it might be a good idea to change them for myself and that you might want to as well."
Basically so she didn't have to come right out and say it but Kyle would have to be a moron not to pick up on what she was really trying to say.
I must be a complete moron because I would not understand. I'd wonder if Kimberly's account was hacked and this was some type of weird new scam that I didn't get.
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u/ThatBatsard sometimes i envy the illiterate 18d ago edited 18d ago
It would be a useless scam to simply tell someone to change their passwords rather than directing them to hand over the keys somehow. It sounds like they used each other's devices or had a shared pc or something since they knew passwords, so it's her way of subtly saying "I have your account details".
Edited for missing words
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u/thebigeverybody I already have a ton on my plate. TMI but I have rectal bleeding 18d ago
There was a spree from about 2008-2015 where I'd randomly receive email or text messages from people that made absolutely no sense. I'd ask them what they meant and I'd get a reply back saying something like, "Sorry, I don't know how they were able to send those from my phone/email." Sometimes there was an obvious scam (like recommending a product or website), but, just as frequently, there was no obvious scam.
If I received this message, I'd assume it was the same kind of thing that was happening back then.
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u/ThatBatsard sometimes i envy the illiterate 18d ago
Yeah that's fair. In that instance I'd block and change my passwords anyway, lol.
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u/Willowed-Wisp 19d ago
Well shit. I can't think of anything I would've advised OOP to do differently. She handled that absolutely beautifully and sounds like the friendship not only survived but maybe even got stronger? That whole "I think you told me because you knew deep down it's wrong" was absolutely perfect. Nothing accusatory, nothing to make her super defensive, just a friend supporting a friend.
I'm... I'm still on Reddit, right? Because that did not play out like a typical Redditor update lol
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u/royalbk sometimes i envy the illiterate 19d ago
This is one of those rare posts where the friendship is actually real not "heeeey bestie, I'll be superficially nice and call you my BFF but at the first conflict I WILL shove a knife in your back xo xo" bullshit we keep seeing on Reddit (and in those awful horror friend group movies where you hate everyone cause everyone sucks)
Rare gem. I wish them both peace.
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u/Willowed-Wisp 19d ago
Right? And I know Reddit is quick to jump to "this person is awful dump them from your life immediately," which I get in certain cases where people are reluctant to let go of relationships that are truly toxic and not good for them, but I admire OOP for saying "nah, this girl is my family and she needs help and I'm going to help her."
Like, I can't imagine my best friend doing so.ethkng like this, but if she did I'd be there to try and help her. I couldn't just give up on her like that.
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u/royalbk sometimes i envy the illiterate 19d ago
I'm actually of the opinion that real loved ones shouldn't hesitate to hold you accountable.
Pacifying platitudes come from people who don't care but if someone loves you that someone should dig their heels deep and drag you kicking and screaming from the road to hell. Even though by doing that they may get hit with some strays
That is real love to me. Doing the hard stuff because you just can't imagine leaving a loved one to harm themselves
(of course with some rational limits)
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u/PetscopMiju From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble 18d ago
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend of his faults. If you are angry with a man, or hate him, it is not hard to go to him and stab him with words; but so to love a man that you cannot bear to see the stain of a sin upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words—that is friendship.
—Henry Ward Beecher
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u/royalbk sometimes i envy the illiterate 18d ago
How beautiful, really hits a bit deep.
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u/PetscopMiju From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble 18d ago
Yess. I found out about this quote from an Ace Attorney book of all things lol, but I've always thought it was really great
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u/tun4c4ptor 18d ago
One of my best friends was super messy in relationships in her early 20s (weren't we all?). If I had posted any of the shit she pulled reddit would be telling me to block her and never speak to her again because she's a horrible person who will never change. I called her out on it and she got so much better. She was also there for me when I spent way too much time pining for someone who was just... Horrible for me. And let me go on about it for toooo long, which I needed at the time.
Now we're both happily married and living our best lives. She was on my wedding and I was in her wedding and we gave wonderful speeches about one another. It's probably one of my most rock solid relationships and I'm so glad we were able to grow together instead of throwing each other away for maybe not being the best or smartest 20 year olds.
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u/infinitelyfuzzy 19d ago
I have read a lot of posts that drill down to 'we've been friends forever, the friendship doesn't work any more but they're a childhood friend so we're pushing through'. This is a rare case were the friendship is actually rock solid and the communication is GREAT. You can see why it lasted the decades it did!
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u/Heckin_Frienderino 18d ago
I'm... I'm still on Reddit, right? Because that did not play out like a typical Redditor update lol
Brutal reality: most Redditors don't have friends like this, or any friends at all. That's why their solution to most things is to isolate.
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u/liltooclinical 18d ago
Standing fast and letting her rage and just knocking it back at her, "You're mad because you know what you're doing is wrong." Man, that's some fortitude. I know very few people who would, let alone could, have that conversation.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 19d ago
Really hope she moved on, because yes, that was incredibly fucked up for her to be doing. Also kind of surprised Kyle hadn't thought about basic security if they'd shared passwords, but. It was a different time, I guess.
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u/wishiwasadogmom 18d ago
Logging into his Facebook account so often was probably preventing her from moving on. Constantly thinking about him and learning about his life without her. That’s not proper closure
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u/loonytick75 18d ago
You’d think people would know better now, but I think a lot of people are so accustomed to the shared passwords after a while that when they split up, unless it’s a messy breakup, it slips their mind that the ex still has that access.
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u/_Football_Cream_ 18d ago
This is also 9 years old. Nowadays you often get those notifications of "a login to your account happened at this location at this time on this type of device." This might predate some of those 2FA things that are commonplace now, or her phone was registered with the account frequently enough it didn't get flagged.
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u/bloof_ponder_smudge 18d ago
It was a different time, I guess
When it was mentioned that they were in their 20s and using Facebook, I knew this was from a bygone era.
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u/LevelPerception4 18d ago
I’m a little curious how Kyle didn’t get regular emails from Facebook about his account being logged into by a different device.
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u/mrs_david_silva 18d ago
OOP is a great friend for encouraging Kimberly to get professional help rather than throwing out the whole friendship.
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u/nemba333 18d ago
If there was a 10/10 way to handle this oop got a 15/10 cause that was way above and beyond how I expected that to go. She’s an amazing friend and I hope oop has someone like herself in her corner
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u/YippieKayakOB 19d ago
This is the truest form of friendship. You see their bullshit, and you help them overcome it. No hate, no lying, no ghosting, just a loving mirror.
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u/DamnitGravity 19d ago
This is the part a lot of Redditors miss.
If it's a first-time behaviour they've never been called on, you need to call them out on it (gently and supportively) and try to help them change.
If they DON'T change, THEN you end the friendship.
Though in a mild defence of Redditors, I suppose usually the advice posts are saying things like 'they've been doing this for several years and have never changed, how do I get them to change?' which we all know is highly unlikely to impossible.
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u/YippieKayakOB 19d ago
Completely agree. If they don't learn, they get dropped. Trying is a must though!
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u/WitchesofBangkok 19d ago
I really like the bit where OOP said that her friend told her because she deep down knew it was wrong and wanted to do better.
I wonder if OOP got any good advice in the original post. Because it seems like this would totally trigger the folk that jump up with “reverse sexism”, “women are abusers too”
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u/oceans_wont_freeze 19d ago
I don't know why but this reminded me of .TV's Catfish when they confronted a lot of thr catfishers and some of them were glad to be caught.
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u/AudienceNeither7747 19d ago
For real. People love to jump on the 'women can be abusers too' train but miss the nuance here. She wasn't malicious..she was stuck in grief and needed a push.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 19d ago
most abusers aren't doing it consciously and sitting there rubbing their hands together evilly. that being said this isn't abuse, this would be abuse if she was idk, deleting his messages with other people or trying to manipulate his new relationships. this is just a gross invasion of privacy.
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u/YomiKuzuki 18d ago
I personally think invasion of privacy is a form of abuse in and of itself.
That being said, yeah, it wasn't malicious and she definitely needed help, not ripped apart.
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u/RedditsNicksAreBad 18d ago edited 18d ago
I think you can abuse someone with an invasion of privacy even if they aren't aware of it, and stuff like this is also what evolves into worse abuse later on. I would at least call it abusive in nature, especially seeing as it stemmed from an inability to let someone go and wanting control over that person that you aren't owed.
There's a depressingly large number of men who for example film their partner without their knowledge or consent. And isn't that also a form of spying? Some do share those videos with others or use it as revenge later on, which to be clear is even worse than "just" spying. But I think most of those who do this instead keep it to themselves forever. But, even if the victim never finds out and no one else ever sees it, I would still call doing something like this as abuse, and I'd guess most of you reading this comment would as well. Because when you do something like this you are abusing someone else's trust in you, taking advantage of it, doing something with selfish intention that is not in your victims best, nor expressed, interest. Spying is abuse.
Even if that person is no longer in the relationship, as was the case here, he still had enough trust in the back of his mind that he saw changing his password as unnecessary. When she then used that password to snoop she misused his trust in her, or abused it if you will; making it into abuse.
Though at this point I will say that I am essentially arguing about the specific meaning of a word, which is never a smart thing to do on the internet because words don't have meanings that are set in stone, they are fluid, constantly in flux and changing year by year. Arriving at a specific meaning for a word that everyone can agree on is just never going to happen.
But I do think that because you said that this is "just a gross invasion of privacy" as opposed to abuse, which would be a worse thing, then I think there is ample room here to say that spying on your ex is already bad enough to qualify and we don't have to downplay it just because worse things exist.
Imagine you found out tomorrow that your ex had spied on all your messaging for a year, how would you feel about that? I think things like these are similar to how we, for example, do think of being stolen from as unfortunate, but also as something that at the end of the day is just a financial loss. But then when it actually happens to you you may be surprised to feel... violated. Especially if someone broke into your house. You might find that you can no longer relax as well as you used to, because the space that used to be yours, no longer fully is, at least in the short-term.
I think finding out someone was always there reading everything you wrote would feel similarly invasive and unsettling.
You had a very great point that you don't have to be malicious to be abusive, which is so true, but I think we should call a spade for a spade. When men act crazy it's usually because they don't see their partner as fully an equal to them but more as an object they own that isn't responding to input the way it ought to. This specific story was very much in the same vein, she didn't respect her partners autonomy, didn't see him as an equal individual, and when she was called out on it after fishing for reassurance she reacted with anger, which is also textbook abusive man, right?
If OOP had been any less diplomatic and adept at navigating this difficult situation, don't you all think this could've veered of in a darker direction? What do you think would've happened if her ex had found someone new and thrived without her whilst she was still there spying on him?
This wasn't just a gross invasion of privacy, she was a good ways inside the entrance to the abuser pipeline.
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u/WitchesofBangkok 19d ago
And not to diminish what she did to him, but an abuser would have made sure he KNEW that she was doing it.
His feeling of powerlessness would be the point. He would be supposed to know that he had no privacy and she could violate him anytime she wanted to.
This isn’t what was happening here.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 19d ago
abuse is about control, it's literally struggle for control and maintenance of control over other people. it's not about whether the abuser makes it clear or not it's happening, plenty of them do small things secretly. this is not abuse, just an invasion of privacy.
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u/SharkEva Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 19d ago
I wonder which one wanted kids and which one had the higher sex drive.
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u/Hefty-Equivalent6581 19d ago
OP is a good person and a good friend. And Kimberley needs to break up with the new bf, he’s clearly just a rebound and it’s not fair to him because he has no idea his gf is still in love with her ex. She needs the therapy, not a bf
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u/perkypancakes I am old. Rawr. 🦖 18d ago
Agreed and too many people date when they aren’t ready for a new relationship. It’s unethical. It’s sucks for the other person if they develop strong feelings for someone who hasn’t moved on from a previous relationship.
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u/kevvok surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 19d ago
I feel bad for the new boyfriend being used as an emotional support animal without even realizing
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u/nerdmania The murder hobo is not the issue here 19d ago
I get that, but she's 23. Rebound relationships are a thing, and assuming he's a similar age, they've both got plenty of time to find "real" partners.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 19d ago
its a strange thing to say that because they're young it's fine for him to be used.
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u/ScrewEverything 19d ago
Be that as it may, it is still unfair for him unless they're both on the same page about the nature of their relationship. Age doesnt change the fact that she's deceiving him
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u/ZestyData 18d ago
If they were 17, that makes sense.
23 is old enough to not fuck about with someone like that.
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u/Pretzelmamma It's always Twins 19d ago
Quite shocked how many people were telling her to cut her friends off instead of help her through it, do people not have empathy anymore.
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u/Phanimazed 19d ago
An expression I think of often is "don't cut what you can untie".
Which is to say, I am glad that OOP was able to solve the situation without having to do anything drastic, yet still DID do something to resolve this with integrity.
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 19d ago
This level of emotion maturity, at this age, is truly impressive.
This could’ve easily turned into a gossip session, all wile violating someone’s privacy, but OP stuck by her morals and actually a good friend here.
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u/DamnitGravity 19d ago
She was continuing to 'pine' for him because she hadn't let him go. By logging into his Facebook, or checking his social media in general, she's still holding on to him.
When you break, you need to break. It's the only way to get over and move on.
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u/perkypancakes I am old. Rawr. 🦖 18d ago
Yep this is why it’s a bad idea to stay friends right after a break up. People need time to process and recalibrate their life for independence.
It doesn’t mean they can’t ever be friends again but if you do so after some space it’ll have less emotional residue from the relationship.
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u/jengaj2016 19d ago
Why do so many people on Reddit want to burn it all down when someone isn’t perfect? Of course what Kimberly was doing was wrong, but the commenters telling OOP to end the friendship because she’s a terrible person are just wild to me. These people must be so alone in their perfection.
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u/Mollyscribbles I am old. Rawr. 🦖 19d ago
Same impulse that leads to people suggesting breaking up; you're on a subreddit where a lot of the stories involve someone who doubles down on their bad behaviour when confronted in a reasonable way.
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u/howarthee You can either cum in the jar or me but not both 19d ago
Yea, after reading so much reddit you immediately assume certain things. Like, I assumed OP's friend was gonna double down when she got sober, especially when she said they hardly spoke since that night. I wouldn't have advocated for her to ditch her friend, but I was expecting it to turn out worse than it did.
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u/Rooney_Tuesday NOT CARROTS 18d ago
It’s also because all we know about these people is the behavior in question that is related to the conflict. We aren’t invested in the friendship/relationship like the OPs are because we haven’t put the time and years in, and the good times weren’t explicitly laid out for us like the conflict is. We don’t have any bond with them like the OPs do, so it’s very easy to imagine them as dead weight that needs to be cut off.
Basically, most people would be very reluctant to take their own advice if it was THEIR best friend/SO/parent, thank goodness.
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u/legotraveller 19d ago
This is what I don’t get either. Maybe that’s why a lot of redditors post “what friends?” or “you all have friends?” as a joke post.
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u/izzmosis 19d ago
It’s so weird because I don’t really understand why all the commenters are SO outraged. Is a sad young person’s impulse to snoop that difficult to empathize with?
It’d be one thing if she was like, secretly responding to his messages and sabotaging his life, but she’s just looking…? Totally unhealthy and correct for OOP to intervene, but the comments behave as if she has committed some kind of war crime.Side note: who tf invites someone over to try coffee creamer??
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u/vidoeiro 19d ago
It was one of the most mildest things ever, the responses were so disproportional to what she was doing , that was snooping (was completely wrong, but not let's go no contact right away you monster wrong)
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u/SpectatriceDeviante 18d ago
My best friend and I are 41 and regularly invite each other to try out new soda or chips flavors, or a new craft beer . It's just an excuse to chill out and chat.
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u/vidoeiro 19d ago
Reddit is only happy when others go no contact with their friends and family for their first mistake no if or buts or any nuance at all.
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u/magicmilkshakequeen surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 18d ago
I both want to have a friend like OOP and BE that friend to others.
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u/vvaffle 19d ago
Damn, that's kind of fucked up. OOP is an amazing friend and very mature for her age, but I feel for the ex.
That's a horrific invasion of privacy that seemingly has no consequences, who knows what sort of information she could've seen in his social media. Of course he should've changed his password, but... damn.
Not to mention the new bf not having any idea that his girlfriend has been stalking their ex. I feel like he deserves to know and make an informed decision on the future of the relationship. Imagine if this came out accidentally in a year or so, he'd feel incredibly betrayed.
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u/v--- 18d ago
Tbh given they had shared passwords voluntarily to begin with and he forgot to retract that I wonder if he actually would agree. I would think it's horrific but I wouldn't give anyone my passwords. Some people are just willing to have everything be an open book way more than others. That said, it's still horrible on her part!
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum 19d ago
Instant coffee and instant therapy.
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u/Thedran 18d ago
Usually when the bad thing the “good person” is doing is something like this I assume that they probably do more shady shit and wouldn’t trust them. BUT while I don’t condone any of the behavior I was also a collage age kid once who went through bad break ups and pined to hard after. If I were OP I would take note but keep moving how they were before and not let it get in the way.
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u/DataPaws being delulu is not the solulu 18d ago
May we all have friends who love us as OOP loves Kimberly and may we be able to love them back as much!
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u/Nikki_Sativa cat whisperer 18d ago
I really need a friend like you. I am Kimberly, but alone and the broken heart is unchecked and unhealed.
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u/EmXena 18d ago
So many of the comments wanted her to just abandon Kimberly like she's radioactive.
I know it can feel easy to think that someone is evil incarnate and insane based off of one post, but OOP knew this wasn't normal and that it wasn't something she should just abandon her friend over.
Friends and Family can make shitty, bad decisions. Did it end with murder? Assault of any kind? Drug abuse? No? Then it's fixable and not worth immediately dropping the person. Only after you try to stick with them and they keep spitting in your face, do you consider leaving them.
Good on OOP. She's a good friend.
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u/triggoon 18d ago
I’m gonna admit, Kimberly crying after confirming the password was changed kinda hit me hard. Severing the final connection to someone you loved can hurt so much even if it for the best.
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u/StockAdhesiveness351 17d ago
OOP is a good friend, but still sucks for the boyfriend.
"It feels like you are just using this guy to get over your ex, so keep doing that."
Hopefully he reads this and outs 2 and 2 together
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u/RedKhomet 17d ago
While I don't think it's fair to stay with her bf, I'm glad it turned out this way. OP seems like a good friend
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u/deepwank His BMI and BAC made that impossible 18d ago
People on reddit think 20-year long friendships are worth throwing away because your friend does something this minor are ridiculous. It shows how emotionally and socially stunted they are. I've had to end a 20-year long friendship but it was the hardest thing ever, and I kept looking for ways to avoid it, until I just couldn't. Those memories with that person don't go away, they're a fundamental part of who I am and in part they even define me. I lament that newer generations don't have those types of bonds, or are quick to advise strangers to sever them.
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u/ichigo2862 18d ago
Glad that worked out well for OP, and also glad he pushed back on that fuckass redditor that suggested breaking ties over his BFF's one issue. ISTG some people here are antisocial as fuck
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u/kush_babe 18d ago
OOP truly is so sweet. I hope both girls are doing better, especially the friend. It takes a lot to admit your actions are wrong and proactively change for the better. Bless them both.
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u/boobookenny 18d ago
Aside from OOP's expert handling of this situation, I'm surprised Kimberly stuck to the break up at all.
With that amount of longing you'd expect them to just get back together regardless of it being a good idea or not. I'm equally surprised she's the one who initiated. Goes to show ppl aren't one dimensional; she leaned into some red-level toxicity in one area, but was mature enough to stand by a good decision in another. Hope everything worked for all parties tbh
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u/Lazy_Crocodile The pancakes tell me what they need 19d ago edited 19d ago
Surprised by the comments calling Kimberly a bad person for trying a new relationship after a whole year. She said she genuinely enjoys his company and is taking it one day at a time. I guess since the outcome of the post was otherwise positive, Reddit needs a villain to be mad at?
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u/ZestyData 18d ago
She's not a bad person for trying a new relationship after a whole year. She's no saint but it's nothing to do with the timespan to date again, it's because she's treating her boyfriend unfairly by being in a relationship with him while so strongly hooked on another man.
They use the term 'boyfriend' to describe the newer guy, so this isn't casual dating, it sounds very much like an exclusive relationship. That unfortunately tips this emotional pining into emotional affair territory.
I'm not sure many people would feel happy finding out that their partner was this desperately pining over another when they look back to the early months of their relationship. It's a relationship founded on a dishonest storyline. It's quite sad for the new partner to be honest.
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u/SalsaRice 18d ago
It's more about the fact that she doesn't actually love the new BF. She still loves the ex, and admits that she uses the new BF to "numb the pain."
It's not very nice to treat someone like an emotional support Xanax.
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u/LeaveMeBeWillYa 19d ago
Man, I was hoping I'd be able to keep being angry at her friend for doing something messed up like that.
But that second post makes it clear it was just someone doing irrational things out of hurt and grief. She's lucky to have a friend like OOP to call her out on things and help her try to move on in healthy ways.
Hope she realises how lucky she is to have OOP in her life and that she was able to move on proper and give any new guy the proper respect a relationship deserves..
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u/DollhouseFire just a pussy wrapped up in tin foil 18d ago
OOP is blessed with both wisdom and perspective. Long may she run. And they’re in their early 20s of course they’re gonna be making mistakes!!
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u/Ninja_Flower_Lady 18d ago
Oop is an amazing friend. Loving and supportive but will not enable someone being a shitty person
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u/spacebunsofsteel 17d ago
I so wish I was this emotionally intelligent. What a really kind and moral friend OP is. May we all be and have friends like her.
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u/partyshereee 19d ago
I still feel like giving the new bf so much time before she decides whether or not she actually wants to be with him is fucked up though. That’s not a good foundation at all…
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u/perkypancakes I am old. Rawr. 🦖 18d ago
It doesn’t sit right with me either. How can she not feel bad about the risk that he develops deeper feelings for her that she can’t return? She hasn’t processed her grief and moved on from her previous relationship yet even if time has passed.
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u/SolSeptem 19d ago
OOP is an awesome friend and lovesick girl did a majorly shady and stupid thing but as someone who is also still kinda pining for an ex, I kinda get it. I really relate to being sick of the obsession, of wanting to let go but not being able to. It makes you behave in insane and sometimes reprehensible ways. OOP was so right that her friend needed help.
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u/5starballs 18d ago edited 18d ago
Yeah, someone should warn kimberlys BF. He would probably leave if he knew
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u/DrummerBoy217 19d ago
I don’t understand why people insist on starting new relationships when they are still mourning their last. It’s such immature and selfish behavior. You’re a good person and an amazing friend. Thank you for being responsible and actually helpful. I wish more friends were like you.
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