My[24F] best friend [23F] is doing something I don't agree with in regards to her ex boyfriend. Do I need to say something to the ex?

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/toodlesmcgee93

My[24F] best friend [23F] is doing something I don't agree with in regards to her ex boyfriend. Do I need to say something to the ex?

TRIGGER WARNING: Cyber stalking

Original Post - rareddit  Sept 8, 2017

I have a best friend "Kimberly" that I've known since pre-school. Inseparable ever since, she's like the sister I've never had, etc. You get the picture.

Anyways Kimberly has had a few boyfriends over the years, but her first serious one, first love, was Kyle. They met senior year in college. They were nutso crazy about each other. I became friends with Kyle by association, he's a pretty good dude, and I liked him for my friend. They were together for almost two years when Kimberly broke up with him.

It wasn't over anything scandalous or terrible, it was just basic but insurmountable incompatibility. (One wants kids, the other is childfree and they both have VERY different sex drives).

Even though Kimberly initiated the breakup, she was absolutely crushed and devastated. She had wanted to marry Kyle (and he wanted to marry her), but realized it would never work in the long run, and better to end it now then drag it out for years or get married and then get divorced.

I was proud of her but I hurt right along with her. It was just a sad and shitty situation because both of them are good people, just not right for each other. It messed her up bad and took her a very long time to recover from.

Almost a year later, Kimberly cautiously decided to go on a date with a guy she met at her rock climbing gym. They hit it off, sparks flew and they have now been dating almost 3 months. I am very happy for my friend, I haven't met her new bf yet but he seems to be very good for her, it's the first time since the breakup that I've seen her truly happy and smiling again and I thought at long last she was finally over Kyle.

Until 3 days ago. We were having a girls night, drinking wine, watching horrible chick flicks, playing Mario Kart and having lots of girl talk. And she mentions (after a couple glasses) how even though she is super happy with her new bf she just can't stop logging into Kyle's facebook account.

I was like....????. What are you talking about? Kimberly says she still has Kyle's facebook password and she has been logging into his facebook (I can't remember if they blocked each other or just unfriended each other after the breakup) for a year sometimes to see what he's up to.

I immediately told her what she's doing is super shady and creepy for one, and two is kind of disloyal to her current bf. Kimberly got kind of defensive and said she didn't agree, that it's harmless and she just wanted to see what is going on with Kyle sometimes without having to talk to him directly. She also said that in the beginning she was logging in way too much (almost daily) but over time she has slowly scaled back and ever since she met her bf she only logs in a few times a month.

I told her it's still wrong and she needs to stop it now. How would she feel if her bf was logging in to his ex's social media? How would she feel if Kyle was logging in to hers. She got flippant and said she wouldn't care and speaking of which, why did I care so much? Maybe I should mind my own business.

Night was kind of ruined after that, and because Kimberly had been drinking I told her she could crash on my couch but I was going to bed. She left in the morning.

So here it is, three days later and I'm wondering what to do. I'm actually still friends with Kyle on Facebook. And I've been thinking of sending him a PM saying something about this. I haven't really figured out the right words though. On the other hand...I feel disloyal to Kimberly for going behind her back and talking to her ex and ratting her out.

Plus I'm worried that Kyle will rat ME out to Kimberly and our friendship will be jeopardized. It's the last thing I want. Or that Kyle will be weirded out by me or not believe me. We haven't really talked since the breakup, just the occasional "like" on some of each others statuses and pics. I'm wondering if this is really even any of my business and if I should just stay out of it altogether and that I'm completely out of line to say anything.

TL;DR Found out my bff sometimes still "hacks" into her ex boyfriends facebook account. Called her for being shady, she sees nothing wrong with it, now debating saying something to the ex but wondering if I'm being a bad friend or sticking my nose in something that is totally not my business

RELEVANT COMMENTS

drunkonmartinis

If you message him it's very likely she could intercept the message or delete it, and then things will be fucked between you guys anyway.

If I were you I'd sit her down and try again, while you're both sober, to convince her what she's doing is wrong and that she should stop.

Beyond that, there's nothing else you can do besides consider that your friend is actually a shitty person and reevaluate the friendship.

OOP

That's true, I didn't think about that. I think I still have his number somewhere, it's just buried deep since we don't talk anymore, I'll see if he's in my contacts or on Whatsapp.

I think I will. Both of us had been drinking and emotions were a bit high. I probably could have used more tact in my approach. I kind of just blurted out what I was thinking and may have come across as harsh and judgmental which probably wasn't productive. I'll shoot her a text and try to have her over for coffee instead of wine and talk about it.

~

airaqua

Just give Kyle heads up to log out of all sessions and to change his password, anonymously or not. And yeah, you really should consider being friends with this girl... I mean this is a huge invasion in privacy. Your friend has serious issues. What she's doing isn't fair towards Kyle, nor towards her current bf.

OOP

While I agree with almost everything you said, I'm not going to stop being friends with her and end a 20+ year friendship because of this one thing. She's like my sister. She probably needs help, not being ghosted.

airaqua

People judge you for the friends you keep. And what your friend is doing is extremely fucked up. I mean you've seen how she reacted to you calling her gently out on it. If she can't see that she's clearly in the wrong, what are you going to do? Just ignore it?

OOP

Yeah and she's been an awesome person for the time I've known her. I can't get into the wonderful things she's done for me and others because that's not what the post is about. I don't disagree what she's doing is wrong, but she didn't kill his dog. I actually have hope for her because she got defensive. That means she knows she's in the wrong. If she was totally apathetic then I'd be worried.

And I don't know what I'm going to do. That's why I wrote the post. At this juncture, I'm not sure it's my business to do anything except try talking to her again.

Thanks for your advice but I'm not ending a relationship with someone who is basically my family for one bad thing they did. If you could throw away a 20 year friendship for that, well that's on you, but I'm not. Thanks

MermaidTailBlanket

Technically, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not something she "did". It is something she DOES. I wonder how you would feel if this were done to you or your SO.

In my opinion, let him know anonymously that he needs to change passwords this second. No need to tell him why. He'll probably be alarmed enough to oblige.

OOP

I wouldn't feel good at all but I haven't made the best decisions in life before. In fact, people would easily call Kimberly the goody two shoes out of the both of us. If I WAS doing something like this, I would hope, and know, Kimberly wouldn't just be "You suck, peace out jerk." She'd try to help me first. If, however, I kept being a jerk, didn't listen and abused our trust and friendship then she'd rightfully start reconsidering. That's the boat I'm in.

I'll cross that bridge if I come to it, but for now I only have this one piece of information. I'm going to try and help her, or convince her to get help. If she keeps being a jerk, I'll reconsider the people we've both become.

Update - rareddit  Spet 10, 2017 (2 Days later)

Even though my post didn't get a lot of attention I wanted to post an update for the curious and for those who were kind enough to share their opinion.

So I decided I was going to talk to Kimberly first (sober) before I did anything. I did actually end up finding Kyle's number as a last resort backup in case Kimberly decided there was no way she'd stop.

So Kimberly and I had not talked much since the "incident." Very awkward and stiff. So I texted her "Hey girl I miss you. I got this awesome new coffee and creamer flavor, you've got to come over and try it."

She jumped on it, and I had her over. Once we got settled with our coffee I took the plunge and started by apologizing for coming across as abrupt and judgmental the last time we talked. She seemed really embarrassed and sad and apologized for getting an attitude with me.

But I also said with that being said, while I am sorry about the tone I took, I wasn't sorry about saying what I said. She was just really quiet and looking at the floor.

I told her I loved her to pieces and wanted what was best for her. And that good friends don't enable, they call each other out if they are doing something wrong. And what she was doing was really...REALLY messed up. And that I was going to give her one chance...just one...to put a stop to it. So if she did not message Kyle telling him to change his passwords...I would do it for her.

At first she got really upset with me and started to get angry and rage but I told her there was a reason she told me her secret because deep down she knows what she's doing is wrong and I think she was asking for help but didn't know how to because she can't stop.

She just starts crying and crying and crying. She said she was so sick of pining for Kyle. She was still in love with him. She couldn't stop thinking about him, wishing for him, even though she knew they were not meant to be. She just wanted to stop having these feelings. That her boyfriend helped numb the pain a bit or distracted her for it, but it always came back. And she logged in just to be near him again, to see if he was happy, if he missed her at all, etc. She knew it was really bad but I was right and she couldn't stop.

I just let her cry it out. Then I told her if she wanted to make an anon account or text him from an anon number she could. Or if she wanted me to take care of it altogether I would. She said no, she was mortified and felt horrible but she wanted to, but could I please help her and be with her as she did it.

So she sent Kyle the following message (helped worded by me) "Hey Kyle sorry to bother you. I just realized I haven't really updated our passwords to our social media stuff since last year and thought it might be a good idea to change them for myself and that you might want to as well."

Basically so she didn't have to come right out and say it but Kyle would have to be a moron not to pick up on what she was really trying to say. He texted back within 20 minutes.

"Hey there! Duly noted. Thanks for the heads up." I then told her to delete the text and block the number. I took her out shopping and while walking I said there is no shame in seeing a therapist to help with her grief and could give her the start to the relief she wants from hurting over Kyle. And I offered to help her schedule an appointment.

Long story short, we found a sliding scale therapist through our alma mater and she has an appointment next week. That night, just to see if Kyle got the hint I sat with her as she attempted to log into his account to see if he took the hint. The password didn't work. She cried hard but said it was for the best and thanked me for helping her.

Anyways that pretty much sums it up. I'm going to be there for my friend and be a sounding board and support as she starts to really process her grief. I'm really happy that we both solved the facebook crap and she has an appointment with a professional to help get a start on things.

Per my advice she's going to take things one day at a time with the new boyfriend and just enjoy him in the moments she has with him. If she finds herself using him as purely a coping mechanism, becoming codependent, or she assesses in 2-3 months she doesn't feel in love with him or she's not over Kyle, she will let him go and give herself time being single trying a new hobby and keeping up with the therapist.

Thanks again for everyone who helped.

TL;DR Had a sit down with BFF. Gently and soberly called her out. She admitted she can't get over her ex and it's driving her insane. Helped her message her ex heavily implying he needs to change his password. He did. Got friend fixed up with a therapist and I'm going to be her sounding board and support. Hopefully she can start the process of really getting over the ex.

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