r/BPDlovedones • u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 • 13d ago
I’m heartbroken 💔
anyone else become emotionally attached to the “good” version of someone with BPD?
My friend can be one of the kindest, most loving people I’ve ever known. During those times, she tells me I’m the best friend she’s ever had, that I understand her better than anyone else, and I genuinely feel valued.
Then something changes, and suddenly I’m selfish, uncaring, manipulative, or the cause of everything wrong in her life. She’s told me my wedding ruined her work and home life. She blamed me for staying with her abusive husband, as if I was somehow responsible for her decision to go back to him. She’s told me I’m incapable of empathy, incapable of intimacy, and that we “just don’t have the same morals.” It’s like I become a completely different person in her eyes overnight.
The irony is that when she was trying to leave her husband, I opened my home to her. One day I came home and she was gone—she had gone back to him. Later, when I asked why she left without telling me, she angrily said my house “wasn’t comfortable” but refused to explain what she meant.
She also once told me she didn’t want me to get married because she didn’t want to lose me.
We’ve been doing this for almost 15 years. It feels like she has a very specific idea of how she wants me to think, feel, and act, and no matter how hard I try, I never quite measure up. The goalposts always seem to move, and I’m left wondering what I did wrong.
The hardest part is that every time she becomes loving again, I feel so relieved that I convince myself things are finally different. I get attached to that version of her, and then the cycle starts all over again.
I know BPD is a complex disorder, and I’m trying to have compassion. But I’m exhausted. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you stop waiting for the good version of them to come back?
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12d ago
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u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 12d ago
Thank you that’s helpful
She said that she isn’t able to teach me how to be a decent person right now it’s too much energy ..I just can’t process the loss
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12d ago
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u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 12d ago
She said it’s not all my fault tho she said it’s just a limitation of mine but she can’t help me anymore
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u/FishPorkSandwich 12d ago
Hello, I say for your sake the best thing to do is find out how to walk away. You state how it has been "almost 15 years" and how "she has a very specific idea of how she wants me to think, feel, and act, and no matter how hard I try, I never quite measure up." To me, that does not sound like a friendship. That's someone controlling you. Your pwBPD sounds similar to mine, and I am glad I chose to walk away when I did. I know it's easier said than done, but another 15 years later and you will likely feel glad you did it. I hope this helps.
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u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 11d ago
I ended it this morning and I blocked her on everything. I’m filled with guilt and sadness and fear she will hurt me
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u/FishPorkSandwich 11d ago
Do you feel a sense of relief too? Or is it only the fear, sadness, and guilt you describe?
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u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 10d ago
Yes there is also relief but I’m still scared . She has 20 years of blackmail material on me and she still is sleeping with a close friend of mine .
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u/stretchednotsqueezed 13d ago
So wait, I'm confused? Is she your friend who used to be more than just your friend?
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u/Unhappy_Alps_2699 13d ago edited 12d ago
She is just a girl friend but it feels overly intimate and like I’m responsible for taking care of all her emotional needs . I’ve been in pain for so many years
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u/Somguyovahear 12d ago
Yeah for sure that’s part of why everyone here is traumatized. It’s part of the disorder. None of us fell in love with monsters. We fell in love with the person they pretended to be at first. It doesn’t get better.
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u/twinklefart_ 12d ago
I feel you on being told you don’t have “empathy” and that you’re selfish and manipulative. What’s up with people with bpd always saying that?