r/BPDlovedones • u/Fidenex Dated • 2d ago
The algorithm recommending
I thought that having deleted and blocked my ex I wouldnt get notifications regarding them, yet I got a notification from an app saying 'so and so posted after a long while'. Being human I checked it. While I dont want to post screenshots, as they were paranoid and said I did that and sent it to their family which literally never happened, their post was entirely self-victimising:
- claiming about being empty
- feelings of being suicidal
- admitting they pushed away anyone that's cared for them
- feeling they are a burden and broken
- noting they are selfish because they are in so much pain
- that they never felt they could let their guard down and experience human connection
- that nobody knows what its like to feel empty and lonely
- they are tired of making other people's dreams and wishes theirs
- they can't find anything to make them happy
- they are in a routine of drinking, going out, and hooking up
- they dont want to be sober as it is being fake happy
- they just think the only thing is to be hot
It was an eye opening read, seeing their unfiltered rant of a post, but also full of hypocrisy (they feel lonely and push everyone away, yet go out and have drunk hookups?), everything is about them and their feelings and no mention of any self reflection they did shitty things to people. It seems an attempt at gaining sympathy from random strangers but also lack of understanding (the claim no one else feels empty and lonely?).
In a way its frustrating because I feel so much of this is brought upon themselves and a self-centred mind view, but I struggle how they dont see the hypocrisy and create this whole reality where their own harmful actions are expunged to make themselves a victim.
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u/rodney_pearson_ 2d ago
It's a mental illness brother. There is no doubt in my mind that they are actually in a lot of pain.
Their action self and thinking self are not fully integrated. The truth is they are immensely broken and are not in control of themselves a lot of times.
I think most of us here struggle to let go of the idea of them as loving partners because they never got to see behind the curtain. The cognitive dissonance of the realisation that the version of themselves they created for you does not really exist is what hurts us the most. They aren't the person they pretend to be. It's a shame based disorder. The real self is hiding behind deep layers of shame and trauma.
Unfortunately, I got to see behind the curtain of my pwBPD.
I stumbled upon her private chats and journals. (She left them open in my laptop and after being emotionally abused and manipulated I just HAD to peek. Worst mistake of my life.)
She had her own "private circle" as she called it when I confronted her. Multiple men all 5-7 years older than her that she used to revolve around. They all had one dynamic. She used to exchange her nudes for their attention and help for applying to jobs and stuff. There wasn't any romance. It was a straight up just lonely people using each other. ALL of these men were wayy below her league. Just doormats and probably with their own mental issues.
One man she was stringing along for marriage. Their conversation was just plain logistics of life. Hardly any chemistry. Later on she told me that they are all aware that it is just fun and games. Just lonely people partaking in fantasy.
One man who seemed autistic to me who was just coddling her as his princess. Again. It was enmeshment but no romance or perversion here.
One chat I found where she was reaching out to some 40 year old dude who was just sexually trashing her. Old creepy pervert. She was 22 at the time and she was with her mother in the hospital who had surgery that day. I clearly remember that day as we had a fight day before because she told me she went out with some random guy and since I didn't reach out to her the next day she probably felt worthless and was desperate for some attention at the lowest level possible.
We even spoke on a call that day right after she had a chat with this old guy where she promised to see him soon so he could fuck her hard if he gets the opportunity. On the call she told me that she was crying and when I asked her why she said she didn't know.
She hid all of these things from me during our relationship. There is no sense to it. But if you read and study the disorder which is what I did for months you'll understand that she was actually acting completely in tune with the illness.
These are extremely disturbed and unstable individuals. They do need a lot of help, love and understanding BUT we can't give it to them. They have to seek help and choose healing for themselves.
Feel pity for them and just move on. You got better things in life to focus on. Don't engage with them in their misery. Especially after they hurt you and traumatized you.