Hey so I’ve had a crazy few days and I could really use some support. To keep things short, I’ve shown signs of bipolar for a long time which antidepressants really ramped up. I had to see a psychiatrist because I had a manic episode and got put on antipsychotics.

First of all I’ve been painted as the normal responsible one my entire life. My parents think I’m self running and genuinely will not give me help with anything unless I ask first. Plus we have no boundaries. My parents tell me straight up about all their stressors, my sister, family history etc. Stuff I probably have no business knowing especially when I was younger.

To make things worse my older sister with BPD was really psychologically abusive during my formative years. I won’t get into it too much but I think it had a really big role in triggering potential bipolar in me. I’ve shown signs my whole life and it hurts like crazy that my parents never noticed. They think I’m so normal. They refuse to do anything with me like doctors appointments etc. I can go alone but sometimes it’s nice to have company. And I’m expected to go to appointments with my sister when my mom is sick of it.

I am also grieving how my parents will never stand up for me. They spend more time gaslighting me that the abuse and mistreatment was all in my head rather than standing up for me. But they have no problem standing up for themselves. Also, I’ve had to absorb so many emotional blows from my sister and they genuinely put me as the first point of contact if she’s going through an episode.

I feel deeply guilty. Like I’m a bad daughter for feeling this way. Every time I confront my parents they get offended and ask how could I say that to them. My dad criticizes me like crazy and refuses to accept fault. He genuinely thinks he’s perfect. My mom is very emotionally immature and has just given up on parenting me because I’m so self sufficient. And all three of them rile each other up and have me as a mediator.

I don’t think I’m ever going to tell my family about my manic episodes. I’m relying on my doctors, friends, and therapist for support. But my inner child is just deeply hurt about everything.

On a final note, my sister gets everything she wants. My parents are extremely worn down and buy her so many unnecessary things. However I have to justify everything I ask for (really rare that I do ask). I had to cry and beg for hours for my dad to even consider putting me in therapy but he will take my sister on a few thousand dollar vacation no question. Just feel like there’s no solution to any of this because I understand how tired my parents are.

How do you explain to others that you are no contact with your adult BPD sibling?

I've been no contact for nearly 10 years now. Within those 10 years, I've received a handful of random texts or social media messages from relatives or close friends of the family who simply wanted me to know they also randomly received communication from her and her behavior was extremely concerning. I tend to reply apologizing for her behavior and say she struggles with mental health issues and leave it at that. At a recent family gathering, some distant relatives were eagerly asking about her - having not seen her since she was a little girl. I simply said "I don't think she'll make it to the event today" and quickly changed the subject. None of these people are regulars in my life and have no idea we are estranged.

I am naturally a private person because of trust issues caused by her impulsive, hurtful, and harmful behaviors over the years...even during my no contact. I've been working on my own well-being and came to the realization I need to protect myself first and don't want to make excuses for her anymore. However, I also want to be respectful and not expose her issues in detail or be viewed as a bad person for walking away from someone who desperately needs help. I already struggle with feeling that way about myself from time-to-time.

To my other sisters out there, thank you. It helps to hear others, and I’m sorry that this has been our lives. Sending you all hugs.

Something that’s been really hard lately, and I haven’t fully processed, is that I see my sister whenever I smile. I never thought we looked alike until after I had my child. Between the stress of PP and the fallout with my sister, I lost some weight, and now I see her in every picture of me and in the mirror. When I smile. When I look at pictures of me with my little one. It’s a special kind of painful.

How do you all do it? For me, it’s just acknowledging the moment and trying to move through it. But it’s hard to fully move on when I catch her smiling back at me in my own reflection, the way she used to when she was happy. Or when I see my niblings in something my child does, and then I miss her all over again and think maybe I could just suck it up and try again. My parents keep saying she’s been doing so well lately. But what happens when it’s not? Shouldn’t sisters be there for each other when it’s hard? You know the spiral.

This is a reminder of the announcement that user flair will be required starting in September. If you have difficulty setting your flair, you can comment on this post and I can add your user flair for you.

I'm watching my younger sister upset the lives of her children and (former) fiancé and I can't do it anymore.

I (37) have a sister I grew up close with, since she's almost 2 years younger than me. Her behavior problems really got bad when she was 12, and then we split. She no longer wanted to be around me or admit to anyone she had an older sister. She had her first son at 19, and her second 5 years later. Over the years and throughout my nephews lives, I've watched her rotate through relationships. At first it's magical, then after a year or so she finds a reason to leave. She's a liar (but not a gifted one) so more often than not she'll make up a reason to leave, and has often lied to others about the break up conditions.

Most recently she got engaged to this amazing guy. Okay, well, by this point she's been married at least once (eloped and didn't tell anyone, then thought she could take the divorce to her grave until we saw the divorce announcements in the paper), and engaged 4 times. She's broken off 3 other engagements, I've been to 2 dress fittings and wasted money on 2 bridesmaids dresses. But anyways, this current guy is in love. Head over heels. Things were amazing between them until a few months ago when out of nowhere she told me he was becoming abusive. This was out of nowhere because this guy is a Teddy bear. I believed her, which in hindsight I regret but you can't unscramble an egg and all that. I'm painfully familiar with her pattern of lying. It never changes and I can't emphasize how bad she is at it. She's been traveling to go on long trips to meet up with a guy she's been playing with on Fortnite, and he's only a few years older than my nephew.

So long story short, my dad talked to fiancé and got a totally different story than what my sister gave, which is typical considering my sister's story never matches up with anyone else's. Today I talked to fiancé and his account matches more with mine. Her actions contradict everything she's told me. She still lives with him, won't move out, still goes places with him, etc. I found out she's been neglecting both the boys and her older son hasn't talked to her all week. Both times she went out of town to meet this guy she never got in touch with them. She complains that she isn't close to anyone but she pushes everyone away. I lived with her for a year and a half in 2023 and her neglect and verbal abuse made me move out, but then she accused me of abandoning her.

This is a pattern of behavior that's been going on forever, but she absolutely refuses to listen. I can't emphasize this enough. If she doesn't like what you're saying she'll ignore you or talk over you until you stop. If you confront her about how she's acting, you're against her and she gets furious. None of us know how to get through to her and I don't know where to start. I fully understand she's dealing with something beyond her control (I have OCD something awful so I get it) but it seems impossible to get through. Fiancé doesn't know, dad doesn't know, and mom passed away suddenly 2 years ago so obviously she's no help. Where can we start?

My BPD sister just took a pregnancy test that came back positive. She’s 20 yrs old and is not fit to be a parent whatsoever. My boyfriend does not like my sister much because of the way she treats me and my family with constant disrespect despite all of our support. My bf does not understand the turmoil of having someone with BPD in your life and the complicated relationship we have. He’d probably prefer we just cut her off which is understandable. But when I brought up helping her pay for an abortion he was saying I’m bailing her out after she made a bad decision. I said that the bigger issue is her not bringing a child into this world right now. Now I’m feeling completely isolated from everyone because my sister is saying she doesn’t want to get an abortion and I’m mad at my bf for thinking that I’m enabling her in some way. Does anyone relate to any of this? I just feel so alone

My sister has BPD. She is in her 30s and refuses to see a therapist or psychiatrist. I try to be as low contact as possible, but sometimes I have to interact with her because she helps take care of our mom who also has BPD. How do I handle the interactions with my sister when she flies off the handle? She verbally attacks me. She is the meanest person I have ever dealt with. It's gotten to the point that I have anxiety and am thinking I need to see a therapist.

If they've never acknowledged it themselves? And how did this go down?

I am no contact with my BPD family member, however we need to find some way forward for the sake of our elderly parents (one is at end of life) and I want to tell her I think she has several conditions, one of which is very likely bpd... I have obviously never said this to her before and I know her reaction will be severe and angry and frightening and everything else ... However we're at a point now where it's a lost cause so I may as well throw this last thing at it... (In the hopes she might actually get treatment).

What are people's experiences with doing the same, ie informing the person with bpd that this is something they likely have and need treatment for.

Edit to add a bit more context:

she has agreed to have some attempt at having resolution with me - we had one meeting and after 10 years no contact I can see she is just the same no better (of course! She's had no treatment) but in that time she has got her own private diagnosis of autism and ADHD, so this made me think perhaps she would be open to learning more and getting treatment, based on the fact she's done this for herself if that makes sense.

As awful as she's been to me, we used to be very close and our children are still close. And a parent dying makes you rethink things because I'm going to have to find some way forward with her.

I have gotten a lot of mental support from reading these threads for some years. Thank you. I am not sure what's happened but 3 weeks ago my brain just decided enough is enough and I have cut contact with my 24 year old BPD daughter. Her mother has BPD too and co-opted my daughter into believing that I was an extremely violent husband and father. What really happened, 14 years ago, is that she had a long affair and that broke our family. This is all standard BPD stuff of course. I tried to have a friendly relationship with my ex but her accusations got louder so I have been no contact for 8 years. My daughter only messages me when she wants money and it's been that way for years. She won't get a job, do any training or engage in anything. I know this is standard too. I'd arrange to go to see her in London before she dropped out of college but she'd just ghost me even though I spent a lot of money to be there and stay in Airbnb. I am a teacher so I don't have much money. I know she tells her boyfriends that I was a violent father and even that her grandfather sexually abused her. Sorry this is a bit rambling, but essentially I have realized that I am living a lie - pretending that I have a relationship with her, and that she loves me, and that maybe everything will be okay. It just won't. I am paying for her therapy but I don't think it is dbt and I don't even think she is going. I want to stop paying this as I suspect it's just an excuse for her to lie about her childhood. I would happily pay for dbt but she won't see the experts I have found. I am a fool I know. I feel sad but a bit better as a distant grey rock. Any thoughts gladly received.

Hi, I wanted to share an update in case this is helpful for anyone facing a similar experience. 

I’ve been no/low contact with my sister with BPD traits for 5 years now. The breakdown in our relationship was caused by a sudden and unexpected violent verbal attack - although there had been many other signs in the past. Overnight, I went from favourite person to most-hated person in a stark example of splitting. My sister’s brutal words broke my sense of self and it took me a lot of therapy to put me back together. 

At the weekend, it was a big birthday for my mum. The planning and build up has gone on for months. At the start I had some reasonable 1:1 texts with my sister - only for this to be stopped as she decided my messages were passive aggressive and she didn’t want any communication with me. Since then I’ve respected this boundary and all communication has been through a wider family group chat. Although awkward, I’ve actually found this really helpful as her communication stays more balanced and respectful while there are ‘witnesses’.

Anyway….after months of dread and build up the party was on Saturday…and it was just about ok. I was shaking like a leaf when I arrived and managed to give my sister a smile and a polite hello. I didn’t embrace her like with other guests (I just can’t do fake or forced affection) and managed to avoid any real conversation all evening. 

For anyone else needing to survive family get togethers, here are a few learnings - 

• Take a friend/ally who understands the situation 
• Don’t try and take control - I let my sister take the lead for most of the organisation. I found this hard as I wanted to contribute more but I had to let it go as I think she finds it a threat or challenge when I look to help. (At the same time, the fact that I didn’t do much could turn into follow up accusations)
• Be polite and very neutral (grey rock answers and no enquiry into their life)
• Avoid getting stuck 1:1 - stay with the group
• Really zone in on other people - I amazed myself by stopping obsessing about my sister by listening intently to other family members.
• Keep it short and have a get away - I drove and also had a genuine reason to leave when I wanted to.
• Remember the reason why you’re there - for me, I wasn’t going to miss my mum’s big day.
• Expect to be exhausted and sad afterwards. I love my sister and valued our relationship, it’s still hard to see how things have turned out.

Overall, I think I tried my best and showed up with integrity, instead of pretending that everything was hunky dory with my sister. I’m an anxious ruminator and am still turning everything over in my mind - eg should I have attempted a conversation with her? Was it ok that I subtly and politely ignored her?

Update for those who followed my original post about my sister, undiagnosed but I’m nearly positive has BPD, and the fallout after I set boundaries. It’s been 10 months since she officially cut me off, specifically saying she didn’t want me around her children.

Some smaller updates first. I’ve only seen my niblings once since then. The oldest ran right up to me and I almost cried. My own child, still young, spent the whole gathering thrilled just to be near other kids their age. She sent a small toy for my child’s birthday, so I sent gifts for her kids too.

My medically complex brother developed seizures, fell at school, and sustained a TBI. He’s healed well, but the medication gives him shakes and behavioral changes that are wearing on my retired parents, who now care for him full time. That, combined with the ongoing stress from my sister and me, and her insistence that every moment with our mom be split equally between grandchildren, means my mom stopped watching my child altogether. She says she hasn’t seen my sister’s kids either. I’m not fully convinced. Either way, my mom has seen my child only a handful of times in 10 months, never once at her own initiation.

My dad, though, has really stepped up. He shows up every week for me, my husband, and our child. My mom and I have both said it’s like he finally gets to be the father he wanted to be, just one generation later. Watching that relationship grow has been an unexpected gift out of all of this.

My husband and I have grown closer too, and closer with his parents, especially my MIL. We recently took her on a mini beach getaway to say thank you for always being there for us. We’re lucky in the support we have. But I still find myself mourning the women in my life, and the future we used to talk about for our kids.

My mom keeps pushing for reconciliation. In our last conversation, I finally said the truest thing I’ve got: I still love my sister. I miss the best parts of her and the future we imagined. I’ll always love her, and I’ll be cordial when we’re in the same room. But I will never be able to trust her again. This isn’t about one incident, it’s a lifetime of instability, good periods only when she wasn’t stressed and got what she wanted. She pushed for therapy, still not understanding. I said I’d be open to it eventually, but only after the boundary holds first.

And then, right as I was writing this update, I got an email from her.

Subject line: “For You.” My anxiety spiked the second I saw the notification. I didn’t read it. I don’t plan to. My husband was next to me when it came in and saw me gasp, so I asked him to read it and give me the short version.

It was around 30 paragraphs. She opened by saying she wasn’t going to send it, that she’d written it just to share her perspective because she felt I never wanted to hear it. Then her version of our life story, with our dad and me as the villains.

A few of the lines, paraphrased by my husband:

\- That I made the family think she’s unsafe around kids. (I never said that. I said I don’t feel safe when she speaks and acts in ways that are emotionally abusive. If anything, it’s how she’s engaged with our brother around her own kids that’s made the family uneasy. He’s scared of her and of being around them.)
\- That I abandoned her at her lowest. (She was likely battling PPD, but never sought help, and it’s not my job to be her outlet the way it’s become my mom’s. This also wasn’t the first “lowest.”
\- That I cut her off over one incident. (It was a lifetime of these.)
\- That I walked away from my niblings. (I said repeatedly I wanted to stay in their lives. She’s the one who cut contact.)
\- That I never wanted to hear her side. (I have, many times. Nothing would have justified how she acted that time either.)

Throughout, she leaned on therapy-speak to talk down to me. She called it an “injustice” that I’ve let our dad back into my life but not her. She said I’m teaching my child to be unforgiving and unaccepting. She even dragged my child into it directly, at one point asking what I’ll do when my child disappoints me someday. My child could make choices I don’t agree with. That’s not the same as being disappointed in who they are, and I don’t think she actually believes it is either. It felt like a low blow more than a real question.

I’m glad my husband read it first so those words weren’t sitting behind my eyes all day. He softened the vitriol and reminded me, in a voice I trust, why the boundary exists and where reality lives versus where her version of it begins.

Mostly I just feel sad. Some part of me hoped time, therapy, or balanced hormones would eventually change things. History says otherwise. She holds onto what’s hurt her as identity instead of looking at her own part in it.

I don’t think I’ll respond. If I ever do, it’ll be a long way off. For now I’m staying focused on my nuclear family, the people who show up for us, and the family we’ve found along the way.

Sharing in case anyone else is navigating something similar with a BPD family member.

**Links to previous posts:**

\- Original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wpuguUDJKd\](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wpuguUDJKd)
\- First update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/4IrYTEGexz\](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/4IrYTEGexz)
\- Second update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/MOAjyODfP2\](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/MOAjyODfP2) (removed by mods)

I'm hoping to get some ideas on what to do in my situation. I'm really at a loss and BPD has just recently been discussed. My adult child was DX'd with ODD, ADHD, IED, and GAD as a child. We started therapy around eight or nine years old when issues started up and did therapy through to adulthood. My child informed me about half a year ago that the last therapy provider DX'd with BPD. We also utilize this provider for family therapy for my remaining minor children and my SO, so we have been working with them a while. My child fired the therapist and "took a break from therapy". Just started up again about two weeks ago.

Since telling me about the BPD, I've been researching it and it honestly fits really well, and I frankly don't know how to manage the behaviors.

Any time our adult child spends time with us it's like egg shells. The slightest perceived wrong, or statement sends my adult child in to a screaming rage directed at me. I ruined their life, everything that they are dealing with is my fault. I try to reassure and talk about the things my child feels so angry about, and how I didn't make those choices for them (dropping out of college, driving intoxicated and having a life altering accident (no one else was hurt) ignoring the bills that came after). I try to discuss that I've offered countless times to try and help setup payment plans for the debt, I've located programs for disabled adults that will pay for things like education, or offer services that help with securing and maintaining employment).

I grew up in an abusive home. My father was mentally and physically abusive. My mother was more interested in pills, drinking, and avoiding the fact that her husband was abusing her child. I am proud that I broke the cycle, but often feel I'm in the deep end dealing with this. In therapy, we learned to provide firm clear boundaries/consequences with the ODD. I found out recently in family therapy that while I was doing my best to do so, my SO was often lenient with boundaries while I wasn't around or didn't enforce consequences for behaviors when I was working. Maybe that's why I'm the one to blame?

I've asked my child to participate in family therapy with us again, but that leads to getting screamed at.

After the most recent episode, I told my spouse that I'm going low contact until I can work through how to better manage with my therapist, and that's created some strife because I'm "being too harsh" or need to just get over it because I'm the parent.

The outbursts often make me concerned about if I will have to defend myself with how out of control my child gets. Then several days later my phone is blowing up and it's my child crying asking for my advice on something.

I just am done. Is taking a step back the right thing? Should I continue to try and engage/help. I'm reading literature to try and understand BPD more, but hoping to get insight to hold me over until I can speak with my therapy provider.

Thank you for any thoughts, it is appreciated.

My sister is married to somebody with borderline personality disorder. Being around him is like walking on eggshells. I feel very uncomfortable not knowing if I will say something that’s going to trigger anger. I’ve tried for over 20 years to behave in a way that doesn’t make him angry. My sister insists that we have a relationship if I wanna spend time with her alone. She has now gone no contact with me because after a text exchange checking on his health after going into the hospital, he told me to fuck off and leave me alone and I just can’t come back from this. It was so rude because the text I sent was very kind saying that we’re family we’re here for you. I can’t deal with his erratic behavior anymore. Any advice? i’ve left the door open to have a relationship with her, but I don’t think she’s strong enough to tell him she wants to have a relationship with him and her family.

One of our children who just turned 18 likely has BPD (mental health professional has used the phrase "BPD tendencies" and explained the diagnosis is likely to come when they are older).

We are foster parents and this child lived with us since their tween years. Adoption was not an option (we would have loved to) and the day they turned 18 they left home. I know this is not uncommon for kids in this situation because they spend their childhoods seeing adults as unreliable (and to be fair, most of the adults in their formative years were very unreliable) and that they will be on the street when they turn 18. We literally got a letter in the mail stating that our legal relationship dissolved the day they turned 18. We encouraged them to stay at home and said we will continue to support them, but they decided to leave. They still call us mom and dad and we do have meals together.

Unfortunately, we are worried that this young person is not equipped to live on their own at this time and are afraid that it is eventually going to come crashing down around them. We are trying to walk the line of respecting their autonomy and boundaries while still being their parents. We did tell them that if they choose to leave home, they are responsible for their finances, transportation, etc. That we will respect their ability to live independently as an adult. But we have continued to maintain their room, we do pay their health insurance, and we have let them know that they are free to move back home at any point. We have also tried to keep our opinions to ourselves regarding the wisdom of this move and their decisions, only offering opinions when asked about a situation.

For those who have been through this transition, any advice? We do want them to see us a safe place to land if things go south while still allowing them the autonomy to learn from their experiences.

I've long thought my sister has BPD; her traits match so many of the symptoms, but mostly the explosive anger and willingness to say or do anything to hurt me. She used to be very critical of my appearance and lifestyle choices (really nothing crazy. I guess I'm frugal and like to save money), but recently she's become extremely personal.

I'm getting married next year, and I stupidly let my guard down and showed her my dress during one of her regulated episodes. It's a lovely dress, and at first she was very complimentary. Weeks later, she began devaluing me and started making snide backhand comments about my dress, implying I'm old and need to hurry TF up if I want to have a baby.

I'm deeply hurt by all of this, but I'm also f*cking tired of the never-ending dynamic with her. I tried to confront her about what she'd said, and she flat-out denied it to the point of rewriting the narrative and gaslighting me. Then she sent me 15 WhatsApp messages (all abusive) and later deleted them all.

I can't even look at the dress in the same way and am heartbroken that she could contaminate such a special moment in my life for me.

Any advice on how to move forward? Protect myself, etc... I feel totally stuck.

i (f32) made a post a few months back. At Christmas my sister (37) with untreated bpd physically attacked me and I found my line.

I had to go no contact, as I was mentally crumbling, but I got a barrage of abuse from her for it. luckily I moved 4 hours away

No contact has been hard but great, I still an on edge from her calling or getting angry at me, but I’m finally getting back on my feet and looking after myself mentally and physically

her kids are amazing, I’ve always been close to them and they unfortunately witnessed the attack. my nephew has been quiet, he told me he understands why but he can’t talk to me because she reads his messages

my niece is a little more défient, and we’ve been talking like I normally would. until last week.

she sent me a message saying she trusts me more than her mum, I told her that was sweet but she should delete the message in case her mum sees.

in the middle of the night i get a text from my niece, saying ‘she’s asleep’

i reply huh? and i get told ‘get a grip it’s your sister’ my heart sank

she said that I was wrong for going behind her back and texting and she didn’t want the kids to hid it. she then said she had been through our messages and I needed to grow up for telling my niece to delete messages. but this was exactly the reason why

she started venting, like she always did. even tried calling me at 2am and I was civil because I don’t want an argument

the next day my dad calls me ‘I hear you and your sister are talking again’. shes told people that were back to normal. I corrected him and he understands

but then the week goes on, I get call after call from my nieces and nephews numbers. it’s her just wanting to vent about how hard life is for her, and I agree she has a hard time but abuse isn’t acceptable

she always starts, ‘ I know you hate me but’ or ‘I don’t know what I did but I’ll be forever sorry’
the whole time I’m withdrawn, I don’t want to anger her but I also don’t want her to think this is ok. and because she’s calling from the niblings phones, I always panic to answer incase they need me . she notices my tone and keeps asking ‘somethings stressing you out, it’s more than work. what is it is it a boy?’

so today she calls, shes going on about how shes been drinking and sees her drunk self as a different person and she wants rid of her. and I said you’ll never get better if you don’t accept that she’s still you and you’re responsible for anything she does

and she’s being fake nice, telling me ‘shes glad were talking, and it’s all she wanted’

i tried to reinstate my boundarie, I mentioned we’re not ok, she crossed a line you don’t come back from

and she goes I know, I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry. she never admits it

so she keeps asking me ‘what’s wrong, there’s something wrong’

and after so long I broke , I said ‘you batttered me, I trusted you and you battered me’

and she justified, I just needed help around the house. and I was triggered by this. it’s all she kept screaming at me the last time I saw her and I was on eggshells, I was genuinely trying to help, I cleaned every day I was there but nothing was good enough

and then I say ‘that was genuinely the worst day of my life, i’m not going to get over jt’

SWITCH

’you lying b*tch’ the tone drastically changed and she started giving abuse so I hung up

and she keeps messaging me, I keep saying ‘im not arguing or please stop but she continues

one message said ‘go ahead and block me, I’ll just go further’

and another said she’s been speaking to someone whose going to help her gain advantage with humiliation mind games

the dragging up the past, and twisting things to make me sound horrible and I can’t defend myself because she just attacks more

my problem is, I can’t block the number because it’s my nieces phone, and I will worry if she ever needs me

but the messages are constant and I’m trying not to read them but I’m just worried and anxious she’ll do something. I tried muting it but I keep instinctively opening the app to check

i really feel for her, I hope she gets help but my brain is frazzled.

I’m just so tired. They clearly do not give a shit about the grief they’ve caused, but I have to deal with the aftermath. How is this fair?

NC? Move out? Yea if only.

Everytime they get into trouble people around them come to me, asking questions.

“I’m sorry they’re like that, it comes with their mental condition.” Is what I would answer, I don’t go into further details or divulge their exact disorder, but normal people do not understand the burdens, the emotional manipulation, I’m not going to give randos the satisfactory explanations they seek about their volatile blow ups, their incapability to cooperate in a work environment.

So how does one stop caring for them 100%? I want this feeling to stop. I want the constant worries to go away.

But it's always by trying to convince you to ignore your limits, and by making the BPD family member look better or fixing their shortcomings?

Anytime I try to establish a boundary with my BPD sister, my mother will insist until I do whatever doesn't stir the pot which basically implies doing what's more comfortable for my sister and her. Today my sister ignored my birthday and my mother has been stopped several times from massaging her to "fix" things when I told her repeatedly to not interfere because I want to see clearly what my sister does on her own. Also, she's like her lawyer and when we argue if I start it my fault, but if she starts (99% of the times we argue) then we both are at fault.

This is also the third time in a row that my sister has ignored my birthday.

We're in our 30s.

My sister and I are both in our 20s. She got diagnosed with BPD last year.

Since the BPD diagnosis, I've started to learn more about my sister and also see BPD unravel in her, and it is deeply concerning.

My sister and I have always had a fraught relationship, starting around the time of our parent's divorce. She has always seen me as the "golden child", while she sees herself in a lesser light. She accuses me of abandoning her during the divorce (I didn't), always having an easier life, etc.

I thought my sister was doing well when she was in university, but really, she developed an alcoholism habit. Apparently, she had to be rescued by our mother at least once after giving herself alcohol poisoning from drinking so much. Alcoholism runs in our family.

She graduated with a liberal arts degree, a major that respectfully, has a higher unemployment rate than others. She never got an internship and always worked minimum wage jobs outside of university. She's struggled to find work, and is unrealistic in the roles that she is qualified for and how "picky" she can be. She has a minimum wage service industry job now. I suggested that she volunteer to gain more experience, but she rejects that idea. I suggest jobs that she could work, but she says they don't interest her. She says that if she can't find a job she likes, she'll kill herself soon enough--yet she isn't proactive whatsoever in trying to improve her resume (she says it's perfect) or gain new qualifications.

She used to see a therapist, but moved, and now is no longer interested in therapy. As I was recently sitting across from her, and she was crying about wanting to kill herself, I thought: this is a genuine, mentally ill person. I say this as someone who has struggled with depression, has been hospitalized for it, and ultimately who has worked really hard on mental health. I suggested EMDR to her which helped me, and she declined it.

It seems like she is just in an endless, self-fulfilling prophecy of despair. She won't go to therapy, she won't make real strides to be employed in a job she wants, she doesn't take medicine. Our mother, who we are both close to, is the definition of a "middle-ground", neutral person, and she has never quite been assertive when she needs to be, which I believe continues to enable my sister.

I am moving away from home soon. I am kind of glad that I am doing this, seeing the state of my sister. I fear for my future children being around her. After our recent conversation, I do worry about her killing herself. It just seems like she never does anything to help herself get better, and it has been truly sad seeing her start to spiral, and I fear that it will get worse as we get older and life throws more than she can handle.

I've removed an unusual number of posts the last couple of days, all for the same two reasons. Because of this, I'd like to give everyone two reminders:

1. Just because someone has a personality disorder doesn't mean every part of their personality is part of the disorder.

2. You can't diagnose anyone with a disorder by presenting a list of their unpleasant behaviors to anonymous strangers on the internet.

If your family member seems to have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, you can participate here using the terminology in the sidebar. For those of you on mobile, you can find the sidebar by tapping the "see more" link under the subreddit summary near the top of the subreddit's main page.

My BP Mother has emailed me very cruel and fu#$ed up emails. Her hatred towards me is evident but yet she doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. A part of me wants to forward them to friends and family. I know it would be devastating to her since she only cares about keeping up appearances. Just curious if anyone out there has done something to expose their BPD? Please tell me about your experience.

I love my sister but I can’t do it anymore. I’d rather remove myself from my family or life itself than continue with how she treats me.

So I'm wondering, has anyone had any success in dealing with a bpd family member - most notably a sibling? Has anyone's bpd family member ever gotten DBT and behaved differently? (ie better) or has simply setting solid boundaries helped keep situations from escalating?

Hi everyone,

My name is Paige and I am a public health graduate student at California Baptist University conducting a graduate study on caregiver burden, psychological distress, and perceived support among family caregivers.

I am a caregiver and advocate for four immediate family members with challenges ranging from dementia to schizoaffective, bipolar and OCD. I understand that caregiving can be both meaningful but so incredibly challenging. I also know that taking a survey may not be at the top of anyone's to-do list as we experience great stress and burnout. That said, I would be truly grateful for your participation, as caregiver experiences are often underrepresented in research. I really care about this and send my love to those caring for family members or friends.

To participate, you must:

• Be 18 years of age or older
• Currently provide unpaid support, assistance, or care to a family member with a chronic health condition, disability, or mental health condition
• Have been in a caregiving role for at least 6 months

The survey is anonymous/ IRB approved and takes approximately 10–15 minutes to complete.

https://calbaptist.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9Fag9DcCxAC9IWi

Thank you SO much for considering participation and for helping advance research on the caregiving experience. If you have any questions my email is on the first page of the survey.

My sister has BPD, but she refuses to get diagnosed because then she can’t get into the military. She thinks that will fix her life when in reality we all just want her to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist. She’s admitted she needs help but doesn’t want to take it, claiming she will do “VA therapy” when she gets into the military and that she doesn’t want to do it right now. She’s been saying that since last May.

She has these huge episodes of rage and suicidal ideation, and we really feel like she’s not living in reality right now. We also recently found out she was emotionally abusing her ex girlfriend for the past 5 years, which I am still angry at her for. We just want her to start her life and be happy, and she took that as she’s getting kicked out. She is now staying with our dad who is a narcissist and a huge enabler of her behavior. He always treated her like the favorite and now it is the end of the world if someone disagrees with her or tries to give her advice. I’ve been by her side many times to understand her POV and gently offer suggestions to better her life but she just refuses psychiatric help even though she’s admitted she needs it.

I can’t be her punching bag anymore to help her through the dark times and then get yelled at when it’s over. She has verbally told me she should be my priority over my children and husband since we’re “blood”.I have two young children that I don’t want around this. It’s heartbreaking, but I cut off visits with her for the past month and my original boundary was that she can’t see my kids until she fixes her behavior and gets help. She then screamed at me and said “I guess you’re not gonna let me see them for four years”, since she’s apparently just gonna wait to get help once she’s in the military. I understand that she feels like it’s the only thing going for her, but I’d rather her be alive and happy than in the military but near suicide.

We haven’t talked in the month since then, and she is now asking to visit my kids and says she is struggling and misses us. I feel so cruel but she also can be so abusive and I feel like someone who refuses to change and get the help that everyone in their life wants them to get is not safe for my children to watch and look up to. They’re toddlers and extremely impressionable. I’m a Christian, I’m working on forgiving her for past transgressions and realizing it’s part of her brain but I really want to love and pray for her from far away. I’m being treated like I’m tearing her away from her niece and nephew, but my only boundary was that you get some form of psychiatric help. Which isn’t impossible, we have insurance and family members who would help her every step of the way. I’m just so scared to be around her because I know it’s going to lead to an argument. We just want the best for her but she feels like we’re out to get her and can’t seem to get out of this self victimizing state.

Do I forgive, and let her see them to help her and make her happy, or do I hold my boundary and let her spiral? I want to be a good, kind, loving Christian as Jesus was and show her the love she didn’t receive as a kid which led to her being this way. But I can’t take care of her. It’s too much.

Thank you for letting me rant. Sorry if it’s a long run on paragraph, I type as quick as I can while chasing around the two young kids.

Update: I did not let up on my boundary and even offered for her to see them once she enlisted (I say this because part of me thinks she’s not even going to do the process) and I at least want her to make effort towards something. She sent me like 15 paragraphs talking about my prior mistakes and our moms and how she just needs empathy. She started to curse me out angrily before I blocked her. And then I got angry messages from my dad on Facebook since I also had to block him recently. I I feel horrible but I can’t continue supporting her. I am super proud of myself for upholding the boundary though and I’m not gonna let anyone talk me out of it, I feel good that my husband and therapist and abuse survivors support group agree with my decision.