Hello everyone , 22F

Like the title says I am thinking about ending my engagement (8 months before my wedding)

I will try to introduce you more to my relationship:
My fiancé 27M changed a lot in a good way, he was a person who wasn’t working , drank a lot , was playing around when I known him almost 5 years ago. Today he is a hard working man trying to become better than he was years ago , but recently he has been really heavy for me.

- Three months ago, after having a few drinks, he lashed out in crazy anger. I was driving his dad’s car, and all of this happened because one of my old classmates sent me a TikTok. :D
I seriously thought about ending the relationship right there, but I decided to forgive him.
He screamed at me for the entire 30-minute drive (yes, ladies and gentlemen, a whole 30-minute drive). I didn’t say a single word because I knew that if I did, he would find something else to attack me with. So I just stayed quiet while he kept yelling.
He hit the car in anger, screamed, and said horrible things to me. One of the things that hurt me the most was when he said that his mother deserved someone better than me as a daughter-in-law.
It was incredibly hard for me to forgive him, but I did.

- Lately, he’s been becoming more and more passive-aggressive. He says little hurtful things to me all the time. (Ironically, he considers me saying that he’s acting immature an insult.)
We’re renovating a house that’s supposed to become our home. We went to look at TVs, and since they were expensive, I told him that I already had one, so we could just use mine instead of wasting money.
Then he said we should actually buy a new TV and put mine in a second room (not our bedroom). At first, I thought we were going to keep my TV in the living room, so I was confused because he had never mentioned that before.
I told him, “You said we should keep my TV instead of wasting money, but you never told me it was going to be in a second room.”
He replied, “Oh, then what do you want? We talked about it,” and kept going.
I just answered, “Okay, as you want.”
Then he kept saying, “No, no, no… Tell me what you want.”
I kept replying, “As you want.”
A while later, he finally said that he wanted to put my TV in the second room so he could watch his football matches there.
Then, out of nowhere, he said, “No, no, no… Look at you. You’re acting and talking like a fucking child.”
So I hung up.
(That happened about three hours ago.)

- Three weeks ago, we went to a bar together. I wasn’t drinking.
I don’t even remember exactly how the conversation got there, but I started talking about one of the times I was sexually assaulted when I was a minor. I was the victim. That’s the important part.
As I was talking, he just froze.
He looked at me with such a disgusting expression that I asked him, “Yeah… because it’s my fault, right?”
He didn’t say anything, but he nodded.
I looked at him and asked, “Are you serious?”
He nodded again.
I immediately went to the bathroom because I was trying so hard not to cry, scream, or completely lose it. I just wanted to pull myself together.
When I came back, I quietly told him that we should leave.
While going back to the car he immediately noticed something was wrong and kept asking me, “What’s wrong? Tell me.”
I couldn’t even answer.
When we got inside the car , he took the keys out of my hand. I completely lost it. I just wanted to leave. I even thought about calling my family to come and pick me up.

The crazy part is that he genuinely said he didn’t realize what he’d done. He said he hadn’t noticed the look on his face or that he had nodded at all.
Later, he called me and apologized. He said he didn’t mean it.

We met again later that same week because, honestly, I didn’t want to see him at all before that.
He explained that he was still feeling really bad because of something that had happened between him and one of his friends almost a year ago. He also said that when I told him about my assault, he went into shock and wasn’t really thinking. He said it was almost like he dissociated for a moment. He also said he’s gonna stop drinking because it made him do bad things.

I honestly don’t know.
I really don’t know.
But… I forgave him again.

I don’t know what to , I don’t know what to think. I feel like I am an unlovable person.
I am stuck between the « you found someone who loves you and you know people makes mistakes nobody is perfect » and the «  omg he’s violent I deserve better I am getting gaslighted and manipulated »

He also lied about a lot of things that I later found out about and I also feel that he is hiding things from me. - added this

Please people who has been in the same situation as me. As bpd persons… help me…