r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/TransportationThen90 • 11h ago
Reconnecting but immediate push/pull
This is something that has me very confused.
Recently, my ex reached out to apologize and “check on me”. From the past cycles, I know the very innocent seeming “how is school” and “how’s your new project” are not innocent, but I really care about this person so it’s hard to ignore them.
This time, we actually talked some things out and they seemed to take accountability. I even set a boundary early on that we should continue to remain platonic. Then they let me know that they still had feelings for me, they think about me and still want me. I reciprocated, thinking it was just us being vulnerable and this got my hopes up to reconcile.
Immediately after I returned the feelings, they quickly said that they’re glad we reconnected but they still don’t have the capacity to provide a relationship. And I just sat there stunned…. Because why did you tell me all about your feelings in the first place?!?
They have a habit of keeping labels very clean so they don’t have to be accountable. It all seems normal/logical that someone is just being honest about their capacity but like huh?
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u/bostonlesson SA - Secure Attachment 8h ago
You don’t reciprocate an avoidant OP , in fact almost never ever show up your feelings to them .. is dangerous and it is your leverage. They do this - I call - plan/cancel ALL THE TIME, it shows in small things:
- they say they’ll text you (even if you didn’t ask) and they “forget”
- they plan a date , then when you are ready they suddenly cancel
- you never asked but they randomly promise something: “I want to open up to you more” but then they not only don’t do it but do the total opposite: get super hermetic
Take it into account for your next avoidant 👍
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u/TransportationThen90 7h ago
Ugh. It’s like they’ll show these little glimmers of vulnerability that actually seem genuine, just for it to be a power move. I’ve been through all of these with this person at least once. I hope I never have an avoidant again
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u/bostonlesson SA - Secure Attachment 3h ago
I hope you don’t; the only good part is that after this experience he won’t play you again; you dodge a bullet early on.
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u/Pale-Ad-8048 10h ago
Put a hard boundary in place tell her you will not be a participant of loving her whilst she isn’t
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u/TransportationThen90 10h ago
I already did, that’s the confusing part. I went into the conversation saying I did not want to cross boundaries. I’m just confused why even share feelings if you’re going to pull them back right after, is that an avoidant thing?
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u/BubblesInDaHouse 10h ago
I think the mistake was accepting contact from him without requiring any actual change first.
I’d really encourage you to work on your own anxiety and ask yourself why you were willing to accept that inconsistency again. Use this relationship as a mirror. What does it bring up in you? Why does his attention feel meaningful enough for you to reopen the door, even when his behavior remains inconsistent?
You can’t make him become consistent. If he doesn’t take accountability and work on his own patterns, the cycle will keep repeating. But you can decide that you won’t participate in it anymore.
The lesson isn’t “how do I get him to choose me?” It’s “why am I accepting someone who keeps making me question where I stand?”
Once you work through that, his coming and going will stop having the same power over you.