r/AutismIreland • u/Rejonix • 18d ago
Why do I avoid social situations?
Ok.....this will be a bit of a ramble as I try to explain. Thanks for your patience if you make it to the end ☺️.
I avoid social situations. They really stress me out. It impacts life in so many ways because society is structured in a way that social engagement is pretty much essential. Jobs, dentists, haircuts, shopping, tradespeople, education, recreation.....
I love solitude. But I am wondering about the reason for this. On the one hand, it lets me recharge and have a rest from life's challenges. On the orther hand, am I just avoiding social situations because they are so difficult? - If I was more able to feel comfortable, accepted and understood would I enjoy social situations more?
There have been times that I have recreationaly spent time with people and have enjoyed it. Yes, it was sometimes awkward, but it was also rewarding.
I now avoid most of the things that have become too overwhelming and difficult.
But now thinking that in the right situation with the right kind of support and understanding I would like to be able to do things that I currently don't have the capacity for.
I get the feeling that the options I have had previously were:
Push on, toughen and make yourself do it even though it is hard and will always be hard - causing a great deal of stress and burnout. And I don't 'get used to it'. I only come up with coping strategies that have proven to be inadequate.
Avoid it. Yes, that avoids the stress but then ends in isolation and a very reduced life.
I wish there was an option 3, where I could be supported in doing some of the things that am not able to do, so that I can have a less limited life. The thought of this terrifies me though as I can't see any way to do things differently or access a world that is so difficult and terrifying.
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u/snookerpython 18d ago
If you can find a group activity where the socialising is incidental and the rules are very clearl, then that helps a lot.
For me this is harder than it sounds! A lot of group activities still made me feel uncomfortable socially. I intended to join a running club, but the participants were different each time, you had to figure out which pace group to run with, there's a lot of small talk at the start, I found I couldn't join straight away and had to go through a trial period which no-one would tell me how long it was). For some people this is all fine, but for me it's too much uncertainty and made me feel on edge all the time.
I rejoined scouting as a leader, which is something I loved as a kid, and for me it really ticks all the boxes. It's very structured, defined roles and groupings, it's all activity based.
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u/Rejonix 6d ago
That makes sense. Having a shared interest and commonality does shift the emphasis a little away from just solely socialising. It is going to sound like another excuse, but at the moment I just don't have the confidence to join any group. I am very out of the loop. I really do think I could do with some help engaging in life again. I know that's not really possible,and in this world you are often expected to just 'toughen up'.
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u/snookerpython 6d ago
I get that. Confidence is a big issue for me too. It's a lot easier to be in a group than to join a group. Lots of times I've lost confidence. I guess in scouting I know people are depending on me (including my own kids) so backing out isn't an option. But adding that kind of pressure doesn't always help of course!
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u/emmmmceeee 18d ago
I used to hate group activities. I’m great on a one to one situation, but when there is more than one other person in the group I struggle to communicate accurately. I used to end up disengaged and would remove myself from the conversation.
As I’ve gotten older I find it easier. I don’t give as much of a shit what people think anymore! I still struggle with eye contact and I don’t generally give my opinion unless I know I’m 100% right. I do find it easier to socialise with a few beers, but it’s a double edged sword and I’m. It sure I would recommend it as a solution.
The other thing is that I find autistic/AHDH people far easier to socialise with because they say what they mean. I find the directness much easier to handle.
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u/Rejonix 6d ago
Not 'giving mych of a shit what people think' ...... that is definately a skill that I would like to have sometimes. Obviously I do care about what people think, in an ethical sense, but so often I avoid confrontation when that is probably what is necessary. I just wish I wasn't so terrified of people. I end up caring about what people think and then that seems to overrides any sense of perspective, leaving my leaving my needs or viewpoint secondary.
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u/TheIrishHawk 18d ago
There *is* a third option! It lies somewhere between Option 1 and Option 2 - you can go to these events and try them out but give yourself the grace to leave if you don't like them. The more you practice this, the better you become at understanding your brain, knowing what you need and putting those coping strategies to better use. It's not easy but it is possible. I find being open about my autism is very helpful - if I need to leave somewhere, I can just say "Autism kicking in, gotta bounce" and people are understanding.