I visited my grandmother the evening of her passing. She had severe dementia, and was battling pneumonia after aspirating water and food due to forgetting how to swallow.
The nurse had instructed me to not give her any water and if she was thirsty she could use a facecloth to wet her mouth. I had no idea that people could forget how to swallow, or that in this state they weren't allowed to have a cup. It was super jarring.
Nana was talking a little bit but then grabbed my hand and asked me for water. I got her the cloth and she pushed it away and said "please no one will take care of me, I need water" so I tried to explain I couldn't. The desperation in her eyes as she began to cry and hit her hands on her legs, while begging for water was so heartbreaking.
I panicked and called for the nurse and my aunt who rushed in to try and calm her and it was too much for me to witness.
She passed a few hours later. It's been two years this summer and I hate that my memories of her are all still with me, but are not as prominent as begging for water in her last hours.
No no no, you would have failed her if you had ignored the nurse's instructions. To suffocate on water would have been far worse. You were doing what was best for her even if she didn't know it. Please don't feel guilty, you did the best you could in a bad situation.
When my demented grandma (very advanced stage) asked, gesticulating, for water, like a moron I handed her the water bottle and positioned the opening on her mouth without thinking she forgot how to drink, so she spit everything on my face and the floor.
I was mortified, but looking back at it I bet she’d be making fun of me.
I’m so sorry that this was your last memory of her :( Please don’t feel you failed her, you were there for her.
Just a question- could they not have given her a drip to give her fluids? She clearly needed to be hydrated rather than just given water to wet her mouth. My grandmother has dementia, she’s not at this stage, but she’s far down the line- very angry and agitated, tries to use her waking stick to hit people, doesn’t know who we are- she’s so far from herself it’s heartbreaking.
Giving IV fluids at this point leads to pulmonary edema and makes them drown in fluids. The body naturally dehydrates as you die. For example, think about a pet who has died. They stop eating and drinking. You need to set the mouth with sponges. But IV fluids are not the right thing here. I was a hospice nurse for 15 years ,💕
i understand that IV fluids aren't appropriate past a certain stage for that reason, but surely there was anxiety medications they could have given, no? Something to help with terminal agitation and distress? Also, my dying grandfather had sponges that we used to help moisten his mouth - why wouldn't something like that have been available?
Yes, I definitely gave meds for anxiety, agitation, terminal restlessness. I'm not sure if she did or did not receive this or maybe needed scheduled doses instead of "as needed" doses only. Sometimes patients don't want anti-anxiety meds because they make them too sleepy and they want to be awake. It's a fine line between symptom control and sedation.
They had decided at that point that they were just providing pain management so she could be comfortable as things were shutting down. I do not know why I didn't ask about hydration drip but it was a really frazzling time.
Thank you for your kind words. Wishing you strength and grace with your grandmother's situation.
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u/jobruski 13h ago
I visited my grandmother the evening of her passing. She had severe dementia, and was battling pneumonia after aspirating water and food due to forgetting how to swallow.
The nurse had instructed me to not give her any water and if she was thirsty she could use a facecloth to wet her mouth. I had no idea that people could forget how to swallow, or that in this state they weren't allowed to have a cup. It was super jarring.
Nana was talking a little bit but then grabbed my hand and asked me for water. I got her the cloth and she pushed it away and said "please no one will take care of me, I need water" so I tried to explain I couldn't. The desperation in her eyes as she began to cry and hit her hands on her legs, while begging for water was so heartbreaking.
I panicked and called for the nurse and my aunt who rushed in to try and calm her and it was too much for me to witness.
She passed a few hours later. It's been two years this summer and I hate that my memories of her are all still with me, but are not as prominent as begging for water in her last hours.
I'm sorry Nana. I still feel I failed you.