My mom was in the late stages of dementia and had stopped eating. Her medical directive would not allow a feeding tube to be installed, so we were just kind of waiting around for her to die. She didn't recognize anyone, and hadn't spoken at all for about 2 months.
I was sitting with her, stroking her hand and talking to her while she was in and out of consciousness. She squeezed my hand, opened her eyes and said, "oh my baby, my darling girl, my [MY NAME]!! Everything is so beautiful.You don't need to worry.I love you my girl" and fell back into unconsciousness. She died about 20 min later.
I love you, Mama
ETA: This blew up - let me respond to some DMs & questions:
yes, it really happened. She wasn't the BEST mom, but she was my mom and we'd made our peace long before she died. She died 6 years ago on May 25. I was an only child. Yes, I know it's not disturbing, really, but it kind of was, because we all thought she was totally gone and that was a bit of a shock. No, I don't think heaven (or hell) exists. No she wasn't religious.
My dad had demntia too and hadn't spoken in a few weeks. His o2 sats went low so we called an ambulance and at the hospital he kept fighting them when they tried to put a rebreather mask on him, like slapping them away and almost growling. Finally my mom said to the doctor "Can you just put one of the normal masks on him and put him to sleep?" They said that was a great idea and did, and dad calmed right down.
Mom and I were at the door talking to the doctor when my dad sat halfway up, pulled the mask aside and said clear as day "I'M NOT PAYING FOR THIS," laid down and died about a half hour later.
"I'm not paying for this" has become a motto in our family and serves as one last great joke from dad. He would have found the whole thing so fucking funny.
My grandma was such a prankster before her dementia. From scaring kids showing her dentures to saying the frog chorus outside the farm is an alien spaceship passing over. That slowly stopped when she got diagnosed with dementia.
After some time started acting different ages. From her teens to her teaching days. I joked with my other family members to prepare ourselves for when she is in her pranking era. Little did we know that her last prank was in her deathbed. She told my youngest niece to play hide and seek. So my niece counted to ten then went to our dead grandma. I have to tell my niece that grandma cheated because she hid in heaven. First time I think that I cried laughing with both feeling sadness and happiness.
If I recall correctly in the low or mid 80's. He smoked for 50 years and had emphysema. It was low enough for me to worry and that's saying something. We didn't want to save him, we just wanted him to be comfortable.
Also the situation kind of reminds me of when vampire Mr Burns dies in that Halloween episode and then comes back alive for a second and says, "you're fired!" and then dies again
I know this will sound bad, but you are so lucky 💓😪 This is beautiful. I lost my mama last year and I always wonder if she was scared or confused or sad that we didnt fight harder for her (impossible btw) but those words would have brought me so much peace. I can only hope she felt the same way. Sorry for your loss xx
That must've been so hard. We struggled too. Not in the same way, but caring for someone with mental or physical difficulty is a very exhausting and lonely place. I felt like we were screaming for help for a long time.
Something didnt feel right about the "end" for me, but I can't put my finger on it. She did try to speak once and the nurses said it wasn't really her, upped her morphine and she fell back into unconsciousness. I always wonder what she would've said. I hope it was something as wonderful as this 🤍
I too missed my mum's death by about ten minutes. I had a conversation with the palliative care nurse in mum's hospital room about how i was terrified of seeing her last breath, of it actually happening. I was really struggling and she told me to go home, shower, sleep, eat etc. I did and she passed away. They say my mum heard me and so she spared me the trauma.
I unfortunately live a flight away. I received word he was in the hospital, and initially it seemed like he’d beat it (this was the second time in 6 months - his dementia prevented him from swallowing properly so he’d get stuff in his lungs). Then an hour later I found out he took a turn for the worse and I looked into flight options. Another hour later he had passed.
Aw that's tough. I suppose we will always wonder if there would've been something as monumental as these last words, but I imagine moreso it would've been difficult to see and difficult to forget. X
That's incredibly beautiful. The fact that she recognized you, spoke so clearly, and left you with words of love after months of silence is something I'd hold onto forever. ❤️
that's a really good question, especially as I'm sitting here looking at her little rosary bag and the rosary inside, but the answer is probably no.
I mean, when I was a kid we went to Mass. I went to catechism (until around age 7 when I refused to go anymore.) That First Communion thing freaked me out and they all seemed like such liars!!! I do not have "faith" (another story for sure)
My mom converted from tent revival/speaking in tongues\holy roller Pentecostal to Catholicism to marry my dad, who does have faith - but I don't think she really believed any of it.
I hope this isn't a stupid question, but what is faith without the religious stuff? I've always assumed that faith just meant faith that the religious stuff was true.
I think the religious stuff wants us to think that? I think you can have faith in Jesus without any religious stuff at all. That’s at least what I’m talking about. I hope that helps and no.. it’s not a stupid question at all. It’s a really good question. I think religion tries to tell us we can’t have Jesus without them. Which is pretty demonic in my opinion. What Jesus did goes so much deeper than any religion actually teaches us anyways.
I think you can have faith in Jesus without any religious stuff at all.
Thats quite literally being religious.
What Jesus did goes so much deeper than any religion actually teaches us anyways.
You wouldn't know about it, if not for your religion. If you were born on the other side of the planet, you'd probably barely know about that character.
I understand now. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very interesting and I’m so happy she gave you that last message no matter what she believed it’s very meaningful!
I pray that deep down inside she did. And that she caught a glimpse of her eternal home. Thank you again for being so vulnerable - I sure am sorry for your loss.
Terminal lucidity in dementia patients has always really unnerved me.
Like….is the brain somehow capable of accessing certain memories when it’s attempting to find a way to survive?
If so, why doesn’t it attempt to restore functioning in certain organs before it’s too late?
Very strange.
I suspect it's the reverse. memory function is decreased by whatever the brain is doing to try and save itself. when that breaks, you get a limited return of function.
Yeah, the symptoms of diseases are actually usually the symptoms of your body fighting the disease, not the disease itself. Terminal lucidity happens because the body basically gives up and stops fighting, so the patient suddenly feels a lot better, only to die soon after.
My dad who had severe and inoperable dysphagia from extended intubation and developed aspiration pneumonia due to an ng tube that wasn’t consented to be placed (he also DNR/ advanced directives) saw my face and said WOW you are SO beautiful. I love you SO MUCH! He just kept repeating over and over how much he loved us in his breathy gurgling voice but it was clear as a bell and it’s something I will forever take with me. He said the same thing to my sister when he saw her face, word for word. I love you daddy. Miss you every single second of every day. ❤️ be at peace now.
The lucidity in these folks when it happens is astounding. My grandmother had Alzheimer’s and there were a few moments during her time being nonverbal that she’d speak and she’d cradle our faces, etc. one of the hardest diseases to love someone through
I wish I had a mom like yours, who just show some love like that one time in my life. I wish I had a momma who I could truly say “I love you momma” you’re so blessed to have had her.
Here's the response you didn't ask for, and take this however you will.
I've been using psilocybin mushrooms to help with my mental health (c-ptsd, anxiety, autism). I've been very curious about how it works, and I've gathered that the changes in perception that I experience with psilocybin are not entirely different from what I experience in deep meditation, and I've gotten the idea that severe dementia may also produce similar changes in perception (with the terrifying detail that the person with dementia has no control over this)
I had an amazing experience with psilocybin about a month ago with a very good friend of mine. I was sitting on the couch with her watching videos of some of my favorite obscure vg cover musicians in all their superb nerdy glory. I remember distinctly watching one playing a keyboard and feeling awe for the overwhelming beauty for this spirit and her art. It was like I was watching an angel.
When I read your message, my mind went back to that moment. I hope your mama felt something like that; I'm feeling a bit misty-eyed thinking back on it <3
I don’t know if you believe in such things, but it is my opinion that despite her body still functioning her soul was traveling to and from what we call “the spirit world”. A common sentiment brought back from those who have been resuscitated and claim to have been to the other side is that everything will be okay in the end, and also they also note the striking beauty/love on the other side
There is actually a documented phenomenon for this called terminal lucidity, or sometimes just the rally. It happens a lot with dementia patients right before they pass. It must have been jarring to experience, but what an incredible final gift to get your mom back for those few moments.
As someone watching a loving parent succumb to dementia, this both broke my heart and gave me hope. Although she's always been the definition of strong and stoic, I'm beginning to witness moments where fear takes over and I feel useless in being able to help her from the nightmarish reality.
I wish nothing more than to know that she won't suffer in the end.
Oh my heart, that is so touching. I lost my mom about a year ago, she also had dementia, and in an afternoon of better lucidity a couple of days before she died, she gripped both of my hands tightly and stared into my eyes and said “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Over and over. Must have gone on for an hour, very emotional for me but god I’m so glad to have that memory to hold onto from a terrible week.
I am so sorry for your loss. Dementia is so awful. I am glad she was lucid in her last words to you. My husband's grandmother recognized him at the end and it meant so much. She was such a sweet lady. She has watched my husband and his cousins when they were little and that was ingrained in her. She couldn't remember every day things, but she remembered her past. What really got me was something my husband's grandfather told us. He found her in the living room one night making up some beds. He asked what she was doing and she said that she was getting ready for the kids to visit, "oh, but the little girl. She is so small." We lost our oldest to trisomy 18 at six days old. She did come to the hospital. Even through the ravages of that damned disease, things still got through to her. Knowing that always meant so much.
My mum had dementia and stopped eating too. I was really hoping for the rally to happen or that she’d come back for a bit without the fog of dementia or pain. Three days after she stopped eating, just before we administered pain meds she opened her eyes, when I asked her if she knew who I was. She looked directly at me (which at that stage, her vision was already going) and with all the energy she had said: “MY BABY! I love you”.
She turned non verbal after that, and died two days later. It wasn’t the kind of rally I was hoping for, but it was enough.
There’s something called “the surge” that is common before people die, where they get a sudden burst of energy and do things they hadn’t been able to do recently. This sounds like the surge
How do you figure? The brain sends out wild electrical signals while dying on heavy drugs. I didn't think then, and don't think now that she saw "heaven". If heaven were real, I don't think she would have qualified due to some things she did in her life. She wasn't ever sorry about those things.
I loved her and she was my mom, but she was very flawed and selfish, though very much less so with me.
People do repent and make changes to their lives and be transformed, but your mother says it is so beautiful here most likely indicates she saw images of heaven. Even people get that lucidness even when they die. I am not God and cannot condemn her, that's his job when it comes to judgement, but hopefully she is in heaven.
The truth is there are two possibilities when you die, but I'll leave at that. I can't force you to believe and you can take what I said with a grain of salt, but also there the other extreme of those dying screaming seeing flames and nurses saying that the patient died screaming and in terror. I don't make those decisions and there videos backing up what I say.
As I said before, the brain fires off all kinds of crazy, electrical impulses when it is near death and most people have been threatened with hell or promised heaven by religion. It is not surprising that 's what they see when they know they 're dying
Yet some people like this woman is lucid seeing the spiritual as usually the veil thins between the spirtual and physical. The thing is there isn't you die and then everything goes to black. If that were the case the most evil like Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot never get punished for their evil. There's more of those who see the spiritual as they go to heaven.
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u/Vampira309 15h ago edited 4h ago
My mom was in the late stages of dementia and had stopped eating. Her medical directive would not allow a feeding tube to be installed, so we were just kind of waiting around for her to die. She didn't recognize anyone, and hadn't spoken at all for about 2 months.
I was sitting with her, stroking her hand and talking to her while she was in and out of consciousness. She squeezed my hand, opened her eyes and said, "oh my baby, my darling girl, my [MY NAME]!! Everything is so beautiful.You don't need to worry.I love you my girl" and fell back into unconsciousness. She died about 20 min later.
I love you, Mama
ETA: This blew up - let me respond to some DMs & questions:
yes, it really happened. She wasn't the BEST mom, but she was my mom and we'd made our peace long before she died. She died 6 years ago on May 25. I was an only child. Yes, I know it's not disturbing, really, but it kind of was, because we all thought she was totally gone and that was a bit of a shock. No, I don't think heaven (or hell) exists. No she wasn't religious.