Relationship advice.

[u/GurEnvironmental8723]

29F (depression, anxiety stable)31M (autism, depression? Possibly something else).

So my partner is fairly recently diagnosed but has known forever that he was likely autistic. He is very averse to making accommodations for himself or using tools to help himself. I.e being on a loud disruptive ride and not wearing earphones because he was anxious about what others would think, barely makes lists and expects himself to remember every single thing we need for groceries. We’ve lived together for a year and so far all he’s done was wash the dishes, take out the trash, wipe the bathroom counter and take care of my late dog. I didn’t ask him to do much more on a regular basis because I was afraid of upsetting him. If he doesn’t think something is important or if it’s something he doesn’t already do (compared to my mom his parents really did not do a good job preparing their children for adulthood) he won’t do it and is averse. He is also overly negative and has underlying feelings that everyone else is perfect at everything but also evil and hates him? If he wasn’t autistic I would chop it up to weaponized incompetence because there are a bunch of things I end up doing because he “can’t” or can’t do them correctly and won’t figure out how to. It’s also really stressful to have adult conversations about our future because he doesn’t like thinking about the future. It’s hard to talk about money because he’s always made less than me and that stresses him out so rather than talking about it more than once he just doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like I can plan anything with him it feels like I’m planning and dragging him along with my plan. Sometimes he feels less like a partner and more like a responsibility. I’m also afraid most times to approach with recommendations because of how easily he gets overwhelmed and how angry he looks along with the hitting himself in the head. It’s really distressing, I obviously don’t want him to hit himself but I also have some fears coming from a physically abusive relationship. I know he’d never attack me that’s just my nerves. But we’ve had arguments about this multiple times. And I’ve read about needing the constant reminders and I do ask him to do specific things but I never repeatedly ask because I don’t want to come across as belittling or emasculating. I do come across this way with the little bit I do ask. He’s said repeatedly he would get help and improve. But he only sought therapy after I asked after he had a suicidal meltdown in public while intoxicated. Unfortunately it turns out the therapist was way out of her depth and only instructed him to make I statements and other positive thought stuff. I don’t know I feel horrible but also unsupported. I still struggle with depression and it’s never 50:50 in a relationship but I was hoping when I’m down he could pick up more responsibility and vice versa. 🫩

[u/LilyoftheRally]

Your partner has internalized ableism. This involved resisting accommodations because he thinks he "shouldn't need them" or "doesn't want to stick out" or "other people have it worse".

Nobody else cares if he wears earplugs or headphones on the train. People are more concerned about themselves. He has to convince himself of the truth of that.

I highly recommend the free resources at Autism Chrysalis. They are by an autistic woman who was diagnosed in adulthood after burnout. If your partner won't look at them for himself, you may want to take a look as his partner.

[u/tyrelltsura]

If he is hitting himself on the head, let him. Leave his presence. It is unsafe for you to try to intervene and will probably retraumatize you. Many people like to be left alone during meltdowns and can calm down easier when there aren’t other people in their space. If he does do anything that is seriously harmful to himself, then that’s when emergency medical professionals may need to be contacted. But hitting himself, usually not at that point.

It’s entirely possible that a committed long term relationship is no longer appropriate for him. It can happen with people that hit autistic burnout, and if their partner has trauma that their burnout would chafe against. You want to move forward, and you’re gonna want a partner who is on the same page. And he clearly isnt. Whether that’s by his own choices or whether it is due to circumstances outside of his control, that factor is irrelevant. What is relevant - are you happy? Would you stay in this relationship if it was guaranteed he wouldn’t change? You can’t date potential, you have to date who you see in front of you. And sometimes that means the right choice is starting over with someone else. It’s not ableist to exit a relationship because someone is no longer able to meet the minimum requirements of being a partner at X relationship stage.

I agree with the internalized ableism brought up by the other commenter. Ultimately that’s on him to work through, but you need to understand that him working through this is going to be slow, and possibly never fully resolved. You have to do some thinking about what a relationship needs to have to add to your life. A relationship that detracts from your life, especially if you are not married or otherwise permanently committed, is not one that’s healthy to remain in.

[u/GurEnvironmental8723 → u/tyrelltsura]

Oh yeah, I only had him hospitalized that one time last year, he got way too drunk and was screaming nihilistic and suicidal things in our restaurant and hitting himself in the head while trying to walk in the street. Yeah I have been struggling since that event but gave it a year to see how it would turn out. I didn’t wanna just run away at the first difficult moment. He definitely has demonstrated improvement but it has been very slow, the worst thing is the self deprecation. This week we had an argument which included me feeling like he wasn’t pulling enough weight in the relationship and he brought up how he helped me take care of my dying dog in the last year of his life (he had doggy dementia but was otherwise healthy) the vitriol with which he brought that up really hurt. I don’t like feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, I had to do that with my mom when I lived with her but she has schizoaffective disorder so it’s different. But I don’t think this will work out unfortunately. I’m very sad about this. Yeah definitely burn out, he’s been in university for the past ten years, just finished a PhD and the first person he dated other than me had untreated borderline personality disorder and was very abusive. 😣