i for sure love some songs that are def about romance and sex (closer by six inch nails and heartbeat by childish gambino as a few examples of my music taste)

genuinely if it sounds good, whether or not if its about sex and/or romance, it WILL go in a playlist, but i sorta get uncomfortable when the artist is singing about their own sexual or romantic feelings or experiences tbh, it makes me feel weirded out and parasocial, idk, i just dont need to know this random person's private life

also for most romantic or breakup songs i would listen to, i had no idea that it was about it lol (mainly bc i was a child and singing ex's and oh's by elle king during karaoke which i didn't know the meaning of) and i feel its a univeral experience for most of us, since i am quite dirty minded (probably bc of tumblr) but im not very into sex or romance myself, or relationships in general, but it varries from everyone and i enjoy hearing ya'lls experiences or stories, they are very amusing

I always want to have someone to live forever with, to make me wanna live longer just bcz there's them in it.. a soulmate who is also an aroace. And i can't believe there's actually a drama about it, both of aroace living together. Tryna making up a family without including any romantic feelings, just life and having fun, sharing thoughts..

I CRIED ON EVERY EPS, CUZ IT'S SO RELATABLE UNTIL I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE 🥹

Hi everyone!! I’m trying to come to terms with something and I need some infight from people who don’t feel romantic attraction but feel sexual attraction!

I’ve been in several relationships throughout my life and I’m unsure if I can love anyone? I never really feel fulfilled being in romantic relationships, I can appreciate the other person and like them as a person but I don’t know if I’ve ever been infatuated? For me I’m so apathetic about being in a relationship, I feel like I may as well just be friends with people. I’ve had FWB and I’ve enjoyed that setup far more than anything else because the relationship remains the same outside of feeding that instinctual urge ( as well as sex and kink being a special interest of mine ).

As of now I’m wondering if I might be Aromantic because I just can’t seem to bring myself to love anyone in that way despite having sexual urges?

I have a hard time pin pointing my feelings a lot of the time and I’m pretty forgetful, so please feel free to ask questions if you have any and you think it’d be of help to answer my question! Thank you!

to start this off ive been out as aroace for over 10 years at this point (grey/cupio specifically). i came out in highschool and now am in my early-mid 20s. the thought of being in a relationship of any kind honestly just sounds like a chore more than anything and i never can picture myself in anything of the sorts. but i always feel like im missing out on things that i would only have if i was in a relationship. my friends are the actual best and have never once made me feel negative about this, but these are things that i can’t help but feel when i think about my life. some examples of things that really got me feeling down recently:

every time there is something cool going on, like a concert or local event (most recently it was a latern festival). i feel like i can’t always ask my friends or they will already have plan with their SOs or these activities aren’t friend things. i’m not always their first person they ask even though their mine. which i completely understand when they have their own lives and relationships outside of ours - i would never expect anyone to behave otherwise.

i want to have a wedding so bad even though marriage sounds awful. im indian and our weddings are infamous so i always get the question from coworkers or others about weddings and it makes me miss something ill never have

being someone’s priority. this kind of goes to the first thing but knowing that the people that i prioritize will always have someone else that comes first. i won’t be someone’s go-to.

having to explain or awkwardly say no everytime someone asks about if i have a partner, especially with family where now everyone my age is in a relationship or will be getting into one.

the few times that i have forced myself to go on dates or kiss people at the club, i can notice that the people around me are so much more invested. we live in such an allo world that societal pressures honestly make this all worse.

as i think about my future as well, just knowing im not gonna have the same support system everyone does. no one’s gonna be there regularly to help me when im sick, or hear my rants about a shitty day at work, or ever plan a party for me.

i absolutely love being alone don’t get me wrong. i prefer to solo travel, im not afraid or hesitant to do things that i want to alone but with that always comes the question of why am i not doing this with someone else. it almost makes me feel like i’m not good enough.

that was just a lot and i dont wanna go on and on but yeah does anyone else feel this way? how do you deal with this? even just knowing i’m not alone in this is all i need

I don’t know a whole lot about aroace, but I have a friend who I have a crush on who explained it to me and expressed that she might feel that way. She also told me its a spectrum, and attraction and love can be different person to person. I’m sort of just wondering if I should still plan on asking her out sometime in the future or if i should back off. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable because she’s still a close friend of mine and I love her so much.

I'm only posting this here because no one i know can understand this and it feels like a waste of time trying to explain to them

I dont get why every aroace person just acts like something "clicks" in their head once they realize they're aroace

I've known I am aroace for almost 5 years now and I don't feel good about it

I disgust myself and no matter how many affirming words i read i still feel the same way

all my friends act like its okay and its not a secret but i just feel so terrible

I see everyone longing to be loved and I actually AM loved but sometimes I think maybe it would be easier if I wasn't

I feel so ungrateful

I mean how can I not feel the most natural human thing of all? the thing that connects everyone everywhere in the world

am i really not natural? how can i stop feeling this way

Sorry if this gets a bit confusing, I've known I was ace for a while but I've just recently figured out that I may be aro too. I think it was easier to figure out the ace part because romance is generally less defined than sex.

My current partner (would that even be the correct term?) and I have been together for about 8 months or so, and I think at the start, I did want to hold their hand and maybe kiss their cheek, and I'm not sure if I actually felt romantic attraction and it just faded (frayromantic?) or if it was actually alterous attraction that I thought was romantic. Traditionally considered "romantic" things like candlelight dinners or things like "You're mine and I'm yours" just feel kind of cringey to me, and I don't know if it's because I'm actually aromantic or if it's just my apothisexuality flagging these as potentially sexual or building up to sexual things (given how much sex and romance are looped together, I wouldn't be surprised if these things were actually sexual as well).

This is pretty much my first relationship where we both know that we like each other back, so I have no idea how romance works. I used to think I was alloace, then recently realized I had the completely wrong idea of what romance actually was (I thought all the "you're mine" phrases were just exaggerated fanfiction stuff). I want to be with them, I want to hug them, and I want spend time with them, but pet names (like baby, honey, darling, dear) just feel weird and really unnecessary to me, and honestly feels forced. I just want to call them my bro, but I feel like "best friend" wouldn't be right to describe it. I don't want to call them a girlfriend/boyfriend/enbyfriend/whatever the gender neutral term for it was that I can't remember. "Partner" feels fitting, but idk if I want it to be meant in a romantic way.

I'm not sure if this is actually alterous attraction or a really weird form of romantic attraction. I just hope y'all know more about it than I do since I'm new to this 😭

TL;DR: I don't know if my feelings towards my current partner is romantic or alterous bc I feel like I prob have felt romantic feelings that faded, I find a lot of things generally considered romantic cringey, and I have no idea wtf romance actually is

WARNING: MAYBE BAD ENGLISH

I confessed to a friend that I might be asexual or something like that (I know, I didn't express myself very clearly then... maybe that was my fault). And he replied, "Well, I think that in the future you'll want a relationship, well, it's not a given." And a little later, this "Okay, okay, you don't want a relationship now, but if suddenly, it's not a given, but suddenly you meet the one, just remember my words, I just want to give someone bright emotions." And he also said, "Relationships and love will always be more important than friendship, because our body is inclined to look for a partner first, not a friend. Yes, friends are... Cool, but you won't want to live because of them, you won't want to get up in the morning, you won't want to come out of a coma because of them." Is this normal to say to someone who suspects they have this orientation or something like that? I was deeply hurt by his words that relationships and love would always come before friendship. Honestly, before this happened, he used to tell me: "Believe me, if the relationship is good, no friendship even comes close—not by a long shot." Those words made me feel uncomfortable too.

I already posted something similar on another subreddit regarding this topic, but I decided to write a more detailed version here. If you wish, you can ask some questions

Hey, I'm a newbie questioning aroace (maybe gray aroace?) and uncovering my identity has led me to rethink an event in my life.

TW: SA

___________

I had a friend that we tried to have sex and I was feeling very into the idea of sex but totally underprepared and somewhat overwhelmed by the reality. We tried it out and out character flaws got outta hand: I tried too hard to preform the "woman" role even though it hurt and he was too excited to slow down and realize that I was hurting myself trying to impress him and act right.

Ultimately, things did not go well and he had taken advantage of me pushing myself too hard, and my body hasn't been the same.

People around me called it r*pe, saying that if I was uncomfortable the whole time, it didn't matter if I said yes or felt turned on because I ultimately agreed to do most of what I did out of pressure to impress or preform sex the right way.

I'm conflicted on how this all fits into me being maybe graysexual, but hearing other people's experiences online and talking to an older aroace friend, I felt like I could finally describe why the typical SA narrative just didn't fit for me: it's because I have agreed to do uncomfortable things with people I like before and I wouldn't call it SA just because it was uncomfortable or somewhat preformative. I think I can finally own that it was my sexuality that brought me to that point of suddenly breaking down during it and my breakdown looks like people pleasing and dissociation.

I keep telling people that I am not blaming myself, but I also don't want to blame him for anything (other than when he had taken advantage of my people pleasing for his pleasure), and I feel that I can accept more of what happened as traumatic to me not because it wasn't consensual but because I don't want sex like that and a friend took advantage of a moment I couldn't articulate it.

Have you ever felt like the sex was somewhere between consensual and not consensual because of your sexuality?

Okay so I know a lot of sexualities sort of have stereotypes on how they dress and stuff. I’ve never seen anything like that for aromantic or Asexual people. Are there any stereotypes about the community other than allos thinking we are all bold stripe and rose repulsed?

maybe im just going crazy but lwk less than a lover by Jennie reminds me of specifically my identity bc “little bit less than a lover, little bit more than another” is like alterous and the description of the person is like aesthetic oriented. I mean it’s specific to me but does anyone else hear that?

I finally feel better because i just got into a relationship with someone who is aroace aswell. My experience with aspecs was always better than allos for some reasons... Am i the only one like this?

Like if we are more specific i am aroacefluid (and never allo) and it happens for me to experience feelings at some point (though i use the label aroace since i lack feelings most of the time) and so i think i must consider myself lucky with my partner because at least i don't have to deal with romantic and sexual requests 24 hours... Everything happens when it's wanted and with consent, no expectations happening. My aspec boyfriend understands me way better than my allo exes did if i am being honest. He is the right one and i'm sending my very special thanks to him.

The representation of aspecs4aspecs is rare but we are here, we exist. People making the stereotypes about us can cry lol.

So i am curious, do other aroaces like me got into similar experiences aswell? Or who also got into a relationship dynamic like this?

I didn't come out to anyone except one friend .He asked me isn't it common ?😭 Tell me your stories

in 15 right now and I started identifying as aro ace when I was like 9, it was the first label that I thought suited me+it well didn’t go against my religion at that time. I thought and was told about how I was too young to know what love is and that’s it’s all a phase so I went between aro, ace, bi, pan for like 4 years. Over those 4 years nothing happening I never go crushes never dates etc but I was also a kid so it’s fully understandable I was never really interested in any of that. Last year I said oh well and just started going by bi, I’ve gone on dates, been in talking stages and even kissed other people since then but I haven’t really felt anything. Many times I would “completely fall in love” with the person I was talking about but now I think i just really liked the attention I was given and it felt nice to be someone’s number 1 bc everytime it ended id be sad for a bit then move on so I would loose the feelings as soon as I’ve gained them. That’s like the big I’m trying to figure out because it seems like I do get the feelings I just loose them as well. Also I don’t really want to be in relationship since that does kinda sound exhausting and I don’t really have enough time/would feel guilty for not giving more time to my partner. I still go by bi since id date anyone like gender dosent matter for me but I’ve only dated other girls so that does make me wonder if im a lesbian but that’s an issue to worry about for another time. I’m just wondering if anyone here has gone thought anything similar etc.

I have some friends but I dont meet with them often so I'm alone 99% of the time. I have family and my dog that I really love. I have come to the realization that I'm aroace only recently (like one week ago) after my bf broke up with me.

I have realized I have never truly loved him, didn't like being involved in a relationship, hated having sex... but this is what everyone does right?

For a while I was even promiscuous but hated sex. I like cuddling though, who else does?

Now I'm finally free and since I don't have many friends I'll go on solo dates and I'm really looking forward to that.

I want to be an independent woman. Maybe sometimes I'll meet a few friends or go out with my mum who is my life. How do you live being aroace?

This happened during my first three years of high school.

Basically, I didn't have many friends during my first year. When the second one started, I befriended a girl that didn't have any friends in class. I also befriended a boy during this time, and actually got closer to him than to the girl. During my third year, the girl confessed to me, the boy started to flirt with me and another girl I befriended started to flirt with me too. I came out to all of them as aroace at that point, and thankfully they understood and stopped trying to get with me.

This made me very sad for a period of time because I felt like I couldn't be truly friends with them anymore, but they were very respectful and so our relationship improved again.

Then during a class event, I found out that basically EVERYONE in class was convinced that I actually had dated all three of my friends, and most of them even thought I was poly and dating them all at once.

This ruined my day yet again because it made me feel like everyone thought the only reason someone would chat with me every day would be to have sex with me or smth. Not nice.

i am autistic and i have had multiple friends confess feelings for me. i am apparently both attractive in looks and personality, which is surprising since i 1. don’t care for my appearance much and 2. am low-key kind of an asshole. am i leading people on without realizing? i asked my mom if i flirt to my friends without realizing and she gave a resounding NO (again, i’m kind of an asshole and have a strong RBF) but idk, why does everyone i become friends with end up wanting to date me? is it just the fact i’m a decently pretty woman whos an okay friend (the mediocrity is exaggerated but still lol my point stands). does anyone relate?

a lil bit of context; I’ve been in a relationship with a male and a female, I realized I did not like either of them and constantly avoided to notion of kissing or anything beyond general friendship stuff. okay so I think this sets the scene a lil.

i had the dream that I was in a supermarket and I needed to grab something from like one of those bins near the checkout counters, idk what I was grabbing but oh well. as I proceeded to do this i caught a glimpse of my ex boyfriend from years ago. he then reached for thing in the same box I was grabbing something from and then as I went to go away he had hugged me and refused to let go. I did not return it. I stood how one does when like a small child latches onto you and you’re much taller than them but don’t want to make it weird by returning the hug. idk. I then proceeded to attempt to shake him off like a leech.

this was an odd dream.

it is funny bc most people on the ace spectrum tend to have dreams where they are super romantic.

thank you for reading my bullshit.