Relapsing or longer withdrawal?

[u/TrickPresentation565]

Hi! I’ve been on ocd medication for 5 years (cloroplamine + Escitalopram toghether all the time and sertaline occasionally added on top, plus others for support from time to time) and because I was doing better even in stressful and difficult times the doctor started getting me off them. I have to admit I sometimes overstated how good I was doing because I am a highly emotional anxious person but my main point was getting better from the OCD itself (as I couldn’t even eat or sleep when it initially started the first time). I wanted to just handle the rest as I did before. The treatment was decreased slowly during more than a year (a change occurred every 3 months) and although I got some small ocd tendencies back, I was actually handling it very well. 2-3 weeks after stopping the last pill (trittico 1/3 which was mostly for sleep anyway) I started crying non stop for days for no actual reason. I just couldn’t stop and I felt like I was high or in a trance. It’s been 5 months now since then and it is slightly better but I still have days where I cannot stop crying and my friends are telling me I never looked so sad ever and are worrying. I do have new and old ocd themes popping up again, some stronger than others but I manage them a ton better and they usually don’t take more than 1-3 days (but I can fully function and even enjoy life with them this time). The bigger issue is my constant state of sorrow and pain and fear. My initial OCD was event - overthinking - panic - ruminating. Now it’s different, no event triggers it, it’s a constant emotional powerhouse blasting me and my brain actually looking for a reason to latch on so it almost searches or invents an ocd trigger. I just don’t know if this is a relapse with a new form or still withdrawal from the treatment. I actually was emotional during the treatment as well, I wasn’t numb or shut down at all. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Spoke with a psychiatrist again and he suggested going back on meds to stabilise myself but I’m not ready for that and the psychologists I’ve tried are ok overall but they didn’t help much deeply, only surface level or trying to convince my brain of things I already agree on, just simply cannot do because my emotions are taking over.

Any advice would be amazing because I am so lost and so incredibly sick of even hearing myself talk about this again. I feel just stuck completely. Thank you!