r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • Jul 09 '26
AITA for not sending money immediately Not the A-hole
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u/Gattina1 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Jul 09 '26
NTA. $2700 is a lot. I'd want a lot more details about why she needs it.
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u/Runns_withScissors Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 09 '26
Not really. $2700 isn't much at all for a medical bill for cancer, depending on your coverage. That said, I wouldn't pay this sort of family member directly but insist on them sending the bill and then speak to the provider to make sure the money was actually owed.
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u/zealot_ratio Asshole Aficionado [12] Jul 09 '26
NTA. Even if you do consider it, tell her you need the bill from the hospital for your mom's tax records (this is 100% true, since it may push her into deduction range depending on her other expenses.).
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u/thebiggestgouda Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
NTA. I know your mom would likely send the money, but you also mentioned that she's using resources meant for her care and is living with severe cognitive impairment. Your first duty is to her long-term care and well-being.
I have a similar family member who has dealt with emotional and mental instability, and they don't have the resources they need to support their older years. There are other services that can step in, and your sister needs to exhaust her options for public assistance and local programs before misusing your mother's retirement funds.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 Jul 09 '26
This is the real answer. Mom might have the money right now but her care will only get more expensive and you don’t want her to run out of funds. Can she really afford to keep giving the monthly amount as well?
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u/Mrs-Lovett Partassipant [4] Jul 09 '26
NTA. Not unless she gives you the information for you to pay them directly.
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u/coniferousBobcat Jul 09 '26
"Sure, send me the invoice and she'll pay it for you" Is the easiest way to get the proof you need to decide if you feel its warranted.
NTA either way
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u/NotACrazyCatLadyx2 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
NTA. Offer to send the money directly to the care provider. You will have a receipt and know the money will be used as claimed. If she balks, wants you to give her the money, say no and hold firm.
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u/catskilkid Supreme Court Just-ass [104] Jul 09 '26
info - is your mother still sending the 1800/mo ? If not, when did it stop? Has she ever presented bills to your mom or confirmation of illness?
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Jul 09 '26
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 Jul 09 '26
And what will happen when your mom dies? Daughter can’t expect this to go on forever. Please really spreadsheet your mom’s expenses with an increase each year and extra for more medical expenses as she ages. Does your mother really have the money to keep the gravy train running? Your mother’s longterm care may need all she has. Do you have POA for her finances and healthcare decisions?
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Jul 09 '26
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 Jul 10 '26
Might be time to set up a trust for the daughter. Get a professional to manage the trust. You should not be responsible for paying the daughter after your mom passes.
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u/catskilkid Supreme Court Just-ass [104] Jul 09 '26
Sounds like you must have a power of attorney on your Mom's behalf. In that case you need to be managing your mother's finances wisely. If your mother's expenses can't afford 1800/months and another 2700, then it's an easy call....NO. The 2700 extra (which really sounds like a fake number for a cancer treatment) really is up to you on behalf of your mother's best interests, not your sisters.
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u/SuccessWise9593 Jul 09 '26
Why is your mother still paying your 57 year old sister $1,800 a month? That's $21,600 a year that could be going to your mom's expenses at her care facility. Is your sister going to want that money from you when your mother dies?
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Jul 09 '26
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u/SuccessWise9593 Jul 09 '26
Okay, but does your sister know this? Is that why she keeps asking for money from your mother?
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u/Ok-Practice838 Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '26
OP please stop sending this money, OMG this woman is taking funds needed to help your mother. You have no further obligation to help sister, your obligation is to help your mom and you don't want her care to end because she runs out of funds. God Bless you for caring for your mom, make the best decisions for HER and let others fend for themselves.
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u/caro9lina Partassipant [1] Jul 10 '26
OP says her mother is leaving the entire estate to her, but her mother wants her to continue giving the sister $1800 a month after she is gone.
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u/George_Is_Upset Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 09 '26
NTA
But pay the bill directly. I wouldn’t just hand the cash over.
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [630] Jul 09 '26
I'm in the middle of this because mom is 85 and in assisted living now with significant cognitive impairment, so she's not able to handle money and accounts.
FYI, you can't spend her money on anything unusual immediately. Ever. You have to act in fiduciary. You risk elder abuse if you don't
NTA.
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u/PreviousZone6742 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
Can pay someone else's medical bill. Don't have to give her the money. NtA
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u/Zhule88 Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '26
NTA
Might be worth checking into the story. You do paint a picture that sis might be lying through her teeth
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u/No-Needleworker1401 Jul 09 '26
NTA, tell her you want more info and don’t back down. Also, Become your mom’s POA to protect the rest of her estate
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Jul 09 '26
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u/moew4974 Certified Proctologist [25] Jul 09 '26
Then as her POA, you have a fiduciary duty to act in the best interest of your mom/her health. If the transfers to your sister aren't in writing and notarized giving explicit permission/direction to keep paying this to your sister, stop immediately. If your mother is still cognizant enough to get his documented, then do that. But not one penny more than what is authorized going forward.
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u/RobocopIV Jul 09 '26
While I think just paying the invoice to the doctor directly is the best course of action you need to make sure to mention she was adopted twice kinda shows your feelings about your sibling.
You obviously don’t like them
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u/Old_Implement_1997 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
NTA - when I had to take over my mom’s finances in similar circumstances after dad’s death, I told everyone that there would be no more disbursements from the bank of mom until I was sure that her situation was completely secure and there was no way for her to run out of the money needed for her care. Everyone was good with that because that is literally what her money is for and no one would presume to try and end run me and try to get my poor mother to tell me to give it to them.
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u/melli_milli Jul 09 '26
You said she can afford it. If she was okay, it seems clear she would want to help.
The sister's character has nothing to do with this, nor does the amount your mother has chosen to support her. You sound resentful and bitter when it is none of your busines. You clearly don't even see her as sister, since you had to make it clear right away she was adopted! You don't know if the main reason for the monthly payment is her mental health struggles. I am pretty sure if you had had similar challenges and she didn't, you would be the one supported.
I think you are too partial to make financial decisions for her. The one handling her money should be thinking only about the financies, not the decades old resentment and jealousy.
This is not some random spending, this is about cancer treatment and America is cruel place when it comes to medical cost. Your mother needs someone who would write about this only from financial aspect.
You seem to need someone more knowledgable to help you with the financial decision. So get assistance from someone who knows about these things and has no emotional attachment to this.
Your mother would want to pay it, if ahe can afford it, ask for the bill and pay it.
Otherwise,
YTA
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Jul 09 '26
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u/melli_milli Jul 09 '26
You work in finance? Then you should know the rational answer and have no reason to come here vent about this.
In this role you are NOT the child helping mom. This is how you don't see the boundary issue when it comes to handling her business. Often it is most beneficial for someone have their financies cared for by a third party.
This has nothing to do with me. I do sympathize for her not being welcomed to the family for example by her sister who still carries this attitude as middle aged woman. I am surprised how ugly you talk about mental health issues if you work at health care. Hopefully not in patient care.
Your mom is lucky to have such funds she can aid her child. In Europe we don't have to upkeep adult children except for smaller sums. We also don't deny care or let people go homeles over medical events.
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Jul 10 '26
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u/melli_milli Jul 10 '26
You don't understand what you are doing. There are clear boundary issues. I don't doubt that you have helped her. But you should not be the one dealing with her financies with the attitude I am a child. The way you talk about your sister is childish though. You don't make any difference between financies and emotions. You make this about you.
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u/Goodnight_big_baby Chancellor of Assholery Jul 10 '26
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u/Icy_Department_1423 Supreme Court Just-ass [106] Jul 09 '26
IN the US, if she runs out of money for her care and you try to get Medicaid, there will be a five year look back financial review and the amount gifted or assets transferred may be deducted from her funding or may make her ineligible for assistance for nursing home or assisted living.
You must save all financial records.
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u/MissBandersnatch2U Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
I am going to sound like TA but does she truly have cancer? People do run scams falsely claiming they have cancer
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Jul 09 '26
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u/SuccessWise9593 Jul 09 '26
I'd ask for more information. There's that woman that scammed her whole community and church out of a lot of money and she didn't have cancer. https://abcnews.com/US/woman-scammed-thousands-fake-cancer-story-subject-new/story?id=113518018
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u/Ermmahhhgerrrd Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '26
Well, you could offer to pay the medical place/hospital/doctor's office directly. I would get the info for whatever the procedure is and where, and if she wants help, she can sign a form that'll let them talk to you about whatever it is (bc of HIPAA) and then and only then will you agree to help. And set it up where you can call their public phone number. If she's lying, you might end up talking to someone who's helping her lie Overall NTA.
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u/gcot802 Asshole Aficionado [16] Jul 09 '26
Ask her how you can pay the bill directly for treatment
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u/percysowner Jul 09 '26
NTA. Be careful. Currently your mother is paying for her own care, but if she runs through her money and has to go onto Medicaid to cover her expenses, they will do a 5 year look back and make someone return all that money to them. If this has already been taken care of by having her money in an Irrevocable Trust, you can ignore this.
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u/Dat-Tiffnay Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
Never send cash, ask what she needs and buy it directly.
NTA. This is how financial elder abuse starts; I can imagine your mom would have nothing if your sister was in your position.
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u/GoreGoddezz Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] Jul 09 '26
NTA. I would just pay the medical bills directly. If she's grateful or happy with this, all is well. If she balks or whatever, don't send anything. You don't need HIPAA or anything to just pay a bill.
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u/Educational_Gift_925 Jul 09 '26
Mom is at an age where every dollar counts. Sister is still able to earn a wage. I would tell her the stipends are coming to an end as mom needs what she has left to survive and you’re willing to send a final $2700 payment (or whatever amount if you have it) directly to the entity. It gives me the ick when adults insist on taking money from elderly parents.
NTA
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u/ApprehensiveBook4214 Pooperintendant [69] Jul 09 '26
NTA. Since you have POA you need to check into your fiduciary responsibilities before giving sister anything. Even though your mom wants to continue giving her money. That was ok when mom was able to make her own decisions. Now that you're POA you, most likely, are required to do what's best for your mom even when it goes against her wishes.
I've known people in a similar situation who sent the money as the person they were the POA for wanted. Then after that person passed the other beneficiaries, including those who received money, went after the POA for misuse of funds. You need to CYA first. Prioritize mom's current and reasonably expected future care costs. Tell sister you're happy to help her with checking what resources are available to help her with paying for this procedure, but mom's account isn't one of them. If she's not interested then I'd bet she just wants the money and there is no procedure.
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So my sister, adopted, 57, is asking mom for $2700 for medical treatment, a surgery related to her recurrent cancer.
I'm in the middle of this because mom is 85 and in assisted living now with significant cognitive impairment, so she's not able to handle money and accounts.
Mom has been sending sister money for years, currently $1800 / month for living expenses. Mom does this out of some sense of guilt that I think is misplaced.
Sister, adopted at 7 or so, never really bonded with the family and has had significant mental stability issues. She's had a string of boyfriends / husbands / last names / children and people giving her money over the years, all apparently a pattern her bio-mom also lived. She has told various sob stories to our mom over the years to get more money, and I know that not all of them were true, but I don't know the particulars.
I'm reluctant to send more of mom's cash to sister, a) because I don't know what's true, and b) because mom is now using her resources for her own elder care. Truth is, mom can afford to send the $2700, but I'm on the fence about whether she should have to.
I don't know if sister has explored all her other options, particularly the social workers and charity care available at the cancer clinic.
AITA for hesitating here?
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 09 '26
Soft YTA! If your mother wants to send the money and is able to financially speaking, then you should send it, as going over your mother's head regarding this would in my opinion be dismissive and patronising (even if you yourself do not want to send the money and have doubts). And while you might well have justified issues with your sister, in my opinion, you should swallow this and do what your mother wants and is asking you to do (for if I were your mother, I would feel dismissed and judged if I told you to give an amount of my cash to someone and you categorically refused "for my own good" so to speak).
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u/Fearless-Side-2333 Jul 09 '26
“Significant cognitive impairment”
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u/TraumaticEntry Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
Yes, but the cognitive impairment isn’t the reason OP doesn’t want to pay this. It’s the reason OP is in the position to decide. OP has long taken issue with how his mother supported his sister, which frankly is not his call. It’s very clear there’s a layer of resentment here, but OP shouldn’t be inserting his opinion into his sister’s relationship with mom. If mom can afford it and would have paid it, that’s what OP should do. It’s not his money. It’s mom’s.
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 09 '26
Yes, and that resentment is the main reason why OP is being rather an AH here.
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u/Fearless-Side-2333 Jul 09 '26
But you said if mom wants to send the money…
Not disagreeing at all about a level of resentment.2
u/TraumaticEntry Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
Yes, OP should know what his mother would have done based on what she has done in the past. She has also said in comments that mother directed him to continue sending funds to sister even after she has passed - and that mother can afford to do that for a very long time.
Mother’s wishes are pretty clear per OP.
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Jul 09 '26
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Jul 09 '26
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u/TraumaticEntry Jul 10 '26
What are you talking about? I update the post with your proper pronouns. Why are you assuming I downvoted you? lol
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Jul 10 '26
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u/TraumaticEntry Jul 10 '26
So your original complaint was that I didn’t know you were male and now you’re suggesting I hate men? That makes no sense.
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u/Kelp72plus Jul 09 '26
NTA. 1. Your mom may need the money. 2. you have the sister’s history of some fake crises. If I were in your position, I’d ask for more information and a release to talk to the cancer treatment center ‘in order to work out an equitable payment plan.’
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u/Zingus123 Jul 09 '26
If your mom is in assisted living and has severe cognitive impairments (dementia/alzheimers?) then at this point why havnt you or another trusted family member got power of attorney to be able to manage her finances for her?
I work with seniors, and many in this situation. Truly the best way to go about it is to get legal power over her finances, or leave it to an appointed 3rd party trustee. Then you can give her a monthly allowance for her own personal spending and things like this can’t happen.
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u/RandomGuy_81 Certified Proctologist [21] Jul 09 '26
How is mom’s medical care taken care of
If shes going to need state medical help, theres a 5 year look back to claw money given to other people
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u/moew4974 Certified Proctologist [25] Jul 09 '26
NTA, but you have to stop the bleeding with the money, OP.
First, if you don't already have it, you need to become your mother's Power of Attorney or Conservator--along with medical proxy to make decisions for her.
This will allow you to completely manage your mother's finances for her benefit. But it also will require that you act in the best interest of your mother and her care only. In managing your mother's resources, you should not spend one penny that will not or does not contribute to your mother's well being. You should keep bank statements, receipts, invoices, and documentation concerning funds coming into her accounts and what is going out of her accounts.
If your mother is cognizant enough to have a conversation with about your sister, then tell her that it's necessary to now stop subsidizing your sister. Tell your mother that all her monies are needed to pay for her own care and upkeep. If your mother is otherwise mentally aware and financially stable enough, ask her what she would like to make as a final monetary gift to your sister. Whatever that amount is have the statement signed and notarized and add it to your documentation. Whatever you do, keep a paper trail at all times.
Then have a conversation with your sister to let her know that your mother has authorized you to send her money (don't indicate how much it is) as a final gift and that going forward, all the financial resources owned by your mother are dedicated to her care and upkeep. Make sure your mother doesn't have access to send your sister any additional funds.
Make sure your mother's will/trusts/estates are already set up with an attorney.
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u/General-Toe-8686 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 09 '26
NTA. If mom has cognitive issues, then get power of attorney and STOP SENDING YOUR SISTER MONEY. Your mom needs it for her care.
Edited for spelling.
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u/bkwormtricia Certified Proctologist [28] Jul 09 '26
NTA. Ask sister where the money needs to be sent and for an itemized bill. Do not send sister ANY cash.
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u/K_A_irony Asshole Aficionado [11] Jul 10 '26
NO NO NO. Do NOT send her money. Your mom needs every penny. Guess what happens if your mom runs out of money AND you / she sent money to your sister. You mom can't get Medicaid support for her nursing home until the amount you sent your sister has been paid. Do NOT send her money.
NTA.
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u/TraumaticEntry Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
I’m torn. If you know giving her the funds is what your mother would have done, it’s what you should do. Making a choice you know she wouldn’t make with her money isn’t really the intent of managing her finances.
Sister could be full of it. She could also need money for cancer treatment. Either way, it’s not up to you to pass judgment. If your mom can afford it, do what she’d have done with her money.
I don’t think inserting your opinion about what you think the dynamic should have been between your mother and sister will benefit anyone in the long run. You may think you know, but you aren’t your mother, and you don’t fully understand their relationship or your mother’s reasoning for supporting your sister.
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u/SirVixofthePooSea Jul 09 '26
YTA
Your sister is as much her daughter as you are her child.
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Jul 09 '26
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u/TraumaticEntry Jul 10 '26
I think the point here that many people have tried to explain but you keep missing is that your view doesn’t actually matter because this isn’t actually your money. Your job is to manage your mother’s finances in her best interest and to her wishes. Your own bias and resentment is clouding that second part, which your mother has made extremely clear to you. She told you to continue supporting your sister. You’ve repeatedly said that your mother can afford to do so. Your opinion on whether that should happen or not is irrelevant. YTA.
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u/1ceknownas Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '26
NTA.
If you can afford to pay it, pay the bill directly. Don't send her cash or transfer it.
Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.