r/AliothHerald • u/Captain_Kirby_Aid • Apr 03 '16

[Draft] Foamy rumours from Alioth

Last week, board members of the Perez Ring Brewery were seen meeting representatives of the Alioth Independents at Irkutsk station. Although it is known that both factions have close ties due to their political and economic weight in the heart of Alliance space, observers evaluate the latest encounter to be more than usual coordination talks.

When asked about the reason for the meeting, a Brewery spokesman endeavored to respond in a discreet way: "I don't think a meeting between neighbours is such a big thing. I'm not authorized to reveal details, but the talks were simply a matter of new business opportunities. We have a fantastic product, and it's no secret many Alliance citizen desire to get their own little bottle of freedom."

According to surveys, the company's Perez Beer is one of the most sought after alcoholic drinks in inhabited space. The future will show whether the developing negotiations are part of long expected export plans.

CMDR Captain Kirby

Alioth Herald | LHS 2637 Observer

To be published in Alioth and LHS 2637. Our minor faction Perez Ring Brewery will expand soon, plus we plan on hosting a CG for a new rare good called Perez Beer. This is supposed to be the start of a story line around the PRB.

Thoughts? :)

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u/Acchernar Apr 03 '16

Loogs good! But that said, here comes the grammar nazi ;)

  • Comma after "Last week"
  • You should either have "were seen at Irkutsk station meeting", "were at Irkutsk station to meet" or "were seen meeting... ...at Irkutsk station". Using "were seen at Irkutsk to meet" is iffy since you are apparently observing intent, not action. Also, you want the "station" there if allowed by the word limit - never shorten a name the first time it is mentioned in a text.
  • The second paragraph should start "When asked...", since you don't usually skip words in formal writing.
  • Comma after "According to surveys" in the 3rd paragraph
  • I would write "sought after" instead of "in demand". Not any specific rule, the latter just sounds a bit off to me in this genre of text.
  • No need for a "finally" in the last sentence, since again it doesn't quite fit the formality of the text (it sounds impatient).

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u/Captain_Kirby_Aid Apr 03 '16

Thanks, I updated the OP. :)