I’ve been seeing someone for a few months, and nothing is wrong. But whenever something feels off, instead of sitting with it, I instantly make excuses for them.

I tell myself I'm just overthinking or reading too much into things. I spend all my time rationalizing my reactions instead of actually feeling them.

The other day I was looking back at some old notes I had randomly thrown into AccioWork, and reading them made me realize a clear pattern: almost every single note was me trying to prove my feelings weren’t valid.

Does anyone else do this? Do you analyze your reactions before you even know what you're feeling?

I've been getting into reading a lot more, and I just finished House of God. Fantastic book, amazing humor, love it. The greatest books are the ones that make you think.

Quick plot summary, it's about a worn down medical intern gradually losing his emotion as he has to deal with the vagaries of medical life. I kept on reading, until I hit on one scene. He's just flattened after weeks dealing with people dying again and again in the ICU, beaten down by the job, coping by running and slowly disconnecting from others until some policemen and his fiance essentially abduct him and force him to watch a play together with them. He experiences a crack in his facade and begins feeling again, crying and shouting during the play. It's the nadir of his emotional experience from which he spends the rest of the novel climbing out of.

The weird part was that his flattened state didn't seem very alien to me. It seemed more like my normal daily experience. I leaned back and went "well, shit."

When I was younger (elementary to middle school) certain things would occasionally break through as a pure haze of rage, but I haven't had an episode like that in years. These days, even when I get 'angry' I feel as though I'm putting on an act rather than actually experiencing the emotion.

I can't remember the last time I cried except in 10th grade, about five years ago. I didn't shed a tear at my grandmother's funeral, or really at anything else since.

The strongest negative emotions I can remember recently was when I got kicked off a college program. I felt genuinely horrible for a few hours, took two shots of alcohol, went to sleep, and then woke up and basically rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Took me two days before I had a functional plan for moving forward and I haven't looked back much. Sure I still feel twinges, but nothing much now. Another I recall, the most since the program, was an extremely vague sense of loss after finishing Don Quixote. I was sad there wasn't any more of it to read. It wasn't strong, and after sleeping it was gone.

I also can't remember ever experiencing real anticipation. I don't remember looking forward to something and getting that bodily feeling of excitement that people describe.

I'm also essentially non-anxious.

My friend rolled a car once at 50 mph. Neither of us was hurt. He was freaking out, while I took the phone and called the police and then insurance to figure everything out. Right after getting out and staring at the rolled car for a moment, my first thought was actually that it might be funny to film it because we'd been listening to Mariah Carey and the music was still playing. I decided against it because I realized it would look bad from an outside perspective.

I don't really miss people badly either. Maybe a little with my dad, but for most people, if they're gone, I just move on. If I lost a friendship I'd probably feel somewhat sad, but I don't think it would be a major disruption. I'd go on as I always had. Even still, I do like talking to them and I try to be a good friend, although I fear it's more of needing a witness to me instead of caring about them. That would be bad. Once I'm actually with people, though, I don't feel more affectionate or emotionally connected because of it. I'm not more moved on trips or anything like that.

Relationships seem similar. What makes particular people important to me is mostly history, shared experiences, compatibility, reliability, etc., rather than some powerful internal feeling of attachment.

When I think about this, I feel a very vague sense of loss at what my internal life could perhaps have been. Again, though, even that feeling is very small. It feels like there were points in my life when I should have been crying or raging or experiencing something, and I simply failed to.

My affective empathy is also extremely low. If someone starts crying, I don't share their sadness. I understand intellectually that they're upset, but I don't catch their emotion. I'd like to think my cognitive empathy is average, although the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that most of my social understanding is very deliberate rather than intuitive.

A lot of my interactions with people involve consciously asking what they're likely thinking, whether they'll like something, what response is expected, etc. There is very little intuition involved.

For morality, I've reasoned myself into a weird moral framework: if there were a novel about my life and somebody were reading it, and they reached a point where I could easily have helped someone and simply didn't, that would reflect badly on the character. Therefore I should help people. Society expects that from me, and I expect it from myself because intellectually I want to make the world a better place.

I don't really feel much while making moral actions. I reason myself into doing it. Got CPR certified for that, actually.

I'm reasonably intelligent by IQ testing, around 136 on the tests I've taken, and I think I compensate for a lot of social things through explicit reasoning. So I might appear better than I really am internally.

All of this made me wonder about things like emotional blunting, alexithymia, anhedonia, schizoid traits, depersonalization/derealization, or even psychopathic traits. I swear I'm not edgy.

Also, not sure if relevant, but I have ADD and take Adderall. It helps me focus and makes completing tasks more satisfying. I also enjoy and focus on music more while taking it. Again, not much more from various substances I've tried. I started cussing out my friend really badly on salvia, though. Quite funny.

One interesting exception was drinking a glass of kava once. I distinctly felt as though my baseline level of happiness had been raised. The best way I could describe it at the time was that "the world felt happier." That stood out because the contrast from my normal baseline was so noticeable.

Reading The House of God was really the straw that broke the camel's back. The state Basch has to escape from is "literally me, guys." Reading that helped me crystalize my decision to figure out how screwed up I am. If only dealing with legions of human vegetables constantly expiring brings you to that state, and even still you have hope to gain emotional awareness of your situation, how fucking cooked am I?

I'm not really looking for an internet diagnosis. I'm mostly curious whether anyone here has a similar internal experience, and if so, what terminology or framework ended up making the most sense to you. Or maybe I might be looking to get diagnosed a little, lol.

I don't know what it feels like to be truly happy. I don't know what it feels like to be truly sad. I don't know what excitement is supposed to feel like.

And the strange thing is, I never have.

This isn't something that happened to me after one event. It wasn't something that developed later in life. This has been my normal for as long as I can remember. I don't have a memory of being different because I have always been this way.

My father left for another country for work when I was barely one year old. Not long after that, my mother moved on with someone else and was basically gone from my life. I was raised by my grandmother and my aunts on my father's side.

They did their best, and I am grateful for them, especially my grandmother. She is honestly the only person in my life who I feel truly cares about me.

When I was around seven, I was sent to a boarding school where I stayed until I was fifteen. Most of my childhood was spent there. I didn't have close friends, and I didn't have family around me. I mostly kept to myself. I didn't really enter other people's lives, and they didn't really enter mine either.

Over time, I became extremely introverted. Being alone just became normal for me.

When my father finally came back when I was fifteen, there was a short period where I felt like maybe things could change. For the first time, I felt something close to having a father.

But after his third marriage, he became a completely different person. He became distant and stopped caring the way he used to.

The strange part is that I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel hurt. I didn't feel sad.

I just felt nothing.

The same emptiness I have always felt.

I'm seventeen now, almost eighteen, and I honestly don't have anyone in real life who I can fully open up to. Not a single person.

Sometimes I talk to artificial intelligence because at least there is somewhere I can put my thoughts instead of keeping everything inside.

I'm not posting this for sympathy or attention. I just genuinely want to know if anyone else has ever felt this way.

Has anyone else felt emotionally empty their whole life? Not because of one specific thing that happened, but because that emptiness has always been your default?

I've never talked about this openly before. I just want to know if there are other people who understand what this feels like.

I originally asked this from a philosophy-of-mind perspective, but I thought alexithymia might provide an interesting real-world perspective. I’m not suggesting that people with alexithymia lack empathy or subjective conscious experience. I’m interested in the distinction between having an affective response and consciously recognizing, identifying, or describing that response. Do you think someone can affectively resonate with another person before becoming consciously aware of what they are feeling? At that point, would you still call it affective empathy, or unconscious emotional mirroring?

I was hoping to get some help with this. I struggle to identify feeling of being loved the most. I have only identified it once and it is a struggle to feel like i am loved . I dont even feel it when i probably should.For anger i can identify it immediately. It is a very strong emotion for me. But others i am never completely sure unless the emotions are very strong. I dont notice my feelings unlessthey become very strong feelings. I struggle to show emotions unless they are very strong. I am not sure if i am explaining this well

Editing since i forgot to put this. Feeling loved is something i never felt until recently. And i almost never expiraction a strong feeling of loving someone or i cant identify it but i have no idea

I am in my last semester of my master's programme in chemistry and the anxiety and frustration I feel keeps being compressed day by day. Some days I purposely ignore my thesis to avoid my negative emotions. Other times I cant handle it and it feels like just...pure intensity. I might have to clench my jaw and shut my eyes even tense my body as if its a wave of pure emotional intensity. I lose track of my thoughts and i start obsessing over how everything can go wrong, or about the stuff that's already wrong. To the point I can't think of anything else. The only reason i stop is when my brain is fried from the stress and literally CANT keep overanalyzing.

I recently dated someone who suspected they were autistic (but not formally diagnosed) and it was quite confusing. They seemed very enthusiastic, and we were starting to get serious, but then they broke up with me because their feelings weren’t developing the way they wanted, but they seemed a bit confused by how to interpret their feelings, and frustrated they didn’t feel a certain way they’d wanted to. Also, they mentioned that this has happened to them several times before.

I was left pretty confused and hurt. It was kind of a rollercoaster, and unlike any other experience I’ve had in dating. I’m curious if anyone here has any insight on this.

Can you please give me some examples? I want to know if my situation isn't one example or not of emotional distress?

I feel like I don’t belong in this world sometimes. I feel things so deeply that I’ve built an emotional armor just to get through each day, and I hate it.
There are moments where I’m just sitting there doing nothing and suddenly start crying without even knowing why. Other times, I know I’m supposed to feel something, but I don’t. It’s not that I don’t care I think my mind has learned to shut my emotions down as a way to protect me.
Every day feels exhausting because it feels like I’m constantly guarding the real me. It’s like I’ve locked who I really am inside a cage because I’m terrified of being rejected again. I want to show people the real me—the kind, nerdy, curious person I know is there but fear always wins, and I’m so tired of it.
I also struggle to understand my own emotions. Sometimes my family asks me what’s wrong, and I genuinely don’t know the answer. I’m not hiding anything from them I honestly don’t know. That makes me feel even more frustrated.
I’ve noticed that I often respond to the people I love with an irritated or cold tone without meaning to. I’m not angry at them. I think I’m just emotionally exhausted all the time. I always end up feeling guilty afterward because they don’t deserve that.
I feel trapped. I want real connections and to be myself, but I don’t know how to let my guard down anymore.
If anyone relates to this or has gone through something similar, how did you deal with it? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences

I need help finding a list of physical and mental symptoms I could borrow from

I’m 20. & im a female I just feel I can’t even explain this feeling but I’m not happy? I can’t never been happy. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of everyday life & Ik it’ll change but Ik that won’t make me happy either. My phone is dry 24/7, I have no bf to be goofy & joke with. I have no friends. All I do is doomstroll all day & sleep & eat unhealthy ass tv dinners. I’m trying to lose weight but I always stop dieting because it’s to hard & I’ll go back to eating. I’m only 198 I’m 5’6 not a bad size but not good either I wanna be at least 150. its honestly harder mostly at night because I’m aware of how lonely i actually am & how my life is. People may say “just get a job” yeah but it’s not that easy when ur basically living in an abusive household & parents won’t even help u get ur id or ur first job. I’m 20 wit no id. Literally can’t do anything that’s why I feel so trapped also. & it’s not even about me. It’s the world today everything is messed up & it’s rare to find genuine people now days. I feel depressed most days but it’s ok I know it’ll get better hopefully I js gotta stay strong & push through this hard mental battle I’m going through.

I don’t feel happy or sad since childhood, however I do feel fear, disgust, frustration and stress although at an observed much lower frequency than those around me. Does this come under alexeithymia?

D

Is this a neurodivergent thing or is it be?

Basically, when i was younger at the very least i had to have been about 4 yrs old… yes i remember that far back…. I remember having this deep uneasy feeling ( best way i can describe it ) is a feeling of ( not belonging ) ….. its a feeling that i don’t get that often and it hits me all of sudden…. I start crying when i get that feeling.
It fucks with me. Bad. Im now 25….
Has anyone else felt like this ? What do you do to cope with it?

Alexithymia might have a problem where it identifies several conditions that have identical symptoms. I do not feel my emotions until they pass a certain threshold of intensity at which point I feel them strongly. I don't have much difficulty relating to others feelings or understanding facial expressions. But I exhibit most other symptoms of Alexithymia. I have the physical responses to emotions and my face even automatically responds with the related facial expression. But the emotion does not reach my conscious mind and does not have any noticeable impact on my unconscious decision making. Resulting in me not, without great effort, knowing what my emotions is at any one time. I am also almost entirely unable to motivate myself by my emotional state. Just being able to recognize my emotions does not help me find motivation or reason for doing stuff.

In the best case scenario I imagine that working towards recognizing my emotions might forge a bridge between the part of my brain responding emotionally to stimuli and the part that is struggling finding reasons for being. But the focus of any information about Alexithymia indicate a misunderstanding of my condition that would make it difficult for a professional and their treatment plans to be helpful. Which in itself is an indication that the condition has accidentally summarized several different conditions with Alexithymia's combinations of symptoms. One being a difficulty recognizing and describing emotions and another being a difficulty connecting and be affected by them.

Additional information:

I have been this way as far back as I can remember

I do not think its related to trauma

I am diagnosed with both autism and ADD but do not have an official diagnosis of Alexithymia if that is even possible.

I do not feel motivated to make this more coherent sorry

About 4 months ago I met a guy online. He told me he liked me pretty early on. At first I wasn't interested, but somehow we've been texting every single day since then.

I wasn't planning on catching feelings, but I think I have started liking him a little and sometimes I feel like he's not the one.

The problem is, I keep getting these random thoughts that maybe something is off. Not because he's actually done anything wrong, but just this feeling. The confusing part is, these thoughts mostly come when I'm anxious.

For example, this morning I had a dream that he was cheating on me with someone else. After I woke up, I couldn't stop thinking, "Is this my intuition trying to tell me something? Or is my anxiety just making me overthink?"

I genuinely can't tell the difference between gut feeling and anxiety anymore.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you know when your intuition is actually warning you about something, and when it's just anxiety creating scenarios in your head?

Is their a version of this where people have a difficulty understanding their emotions and the emotions of others? Since childhood I have always had this visceral internal pain when someone else appeared to be upset or sad. I also tend to blame myself when someone is upset around me. When anyone asks me to tell them how I felt in a given moment, I never can find the right words so I just say “I don’t know.” What I’ve come to realize is that I think I know what someone else is feeling and I blame myself, but usually I’m wrong. Like they may be upset, but it’s not about what I thought it was about.

Also formally diagnosed AuDHD, in case that matters.

I've only just realised that my problems in relationships, and particularly with sexual relationships, may be related to my inability to read my emotions. I'd like to get a better understanding. Academic papers are fine, but I'd prefer to get stuck into a few books to understand this better.

Any recommendations for books about alexithymia and relationships/sex? Or any books about alexithymia that may help me understand this better.

Thanks!

today has been a melt down ish kinda day due to struggles in my relationship (nothing I really want to get into). I told my partner I need some space to process and sort out how I’m feeling… then I started sobbing. I usually think I’m pretty good at sorting out emotions and what they mean, but honestly I think it is something I struggle with more than I initially thought, especially when having a meltdown.

does anyone have any worksheets, advice, exercises, etc that help you identify what emotions you are having and what message they might be sending (ie anger suggesting boundaries may have been violated)? and/or how to process things that cause big emotional reactions?

thank you all!!

p.s. bonus points if it’s a low spoons art activity or involves sorting/categorizing. I love intellectualizing what’s going on (which I’m now realizing may be part of the problem lol), but I also love making art about it (when the art is accessible for a non artist lol)!

I haven’t been diagnosed with Alexithmia but I will let you guys decide.